Father Terry's Spiritual Stuff

A Purpose

2012-02-17T05:22:00.000-07:00

Running is good for living. Every run should have a specific purpose, not a general purpose such as good health, or ability to fit into your clothes. I have to listen to both my body and my mind each morning. Today, my body was ready to go and do interval speed work. My mind, my spirit was bored with running. Today's goal changed from intervals on my usual course, to a focus on enjoying my run. I ran a steady pace, but in a new direction. I explored a route that I had not run in a long time. I ran out onto a long pier and when I turned back toward the city I saw the skyline all lit up in the early morning dark. Later in the run I saw the dawn sky beginning to show some colors ahead of a rising sun. When I finished, I was refreshed. It was a "good" run.

When you make plans for your day, do you listen to all parts of yourself? Who won out in your decision to do what you are doing today? If you are restless, irritable and discontented, I suspect you are ignoring some signals. Plus, you may not be very likable today. If you do not like you why should anyone else?

False Perfect

2012-02-16T05:36:00.001-07:00

What if your parents tell you that you are wonderful and perfect or at least shower you with praise on how well you are doing, while all the time you are trying to hide imperfections so as not to burst their bubble? What if your teachers give you good grades when you know that your work is mediocre? By the time you are into your late teens to mid-twenties, you sense that your life is a lie. Who knows the real me? And who would love me if they knew me as I know myself, warts and all?

God gets a bad rap too. The preacher says that God loves you if you are good, and punishes if you are bad. Your problem is that you know that you are imperfect and don't really have any models to tell you, (a) God loves you as you are, and (b) How to move from you character faults, bad habits, mediocrity, to become all you were made to be. No one teaches a life of transformation in all this.

A Treadmill Life

2012-02-15T17:28:00.002-07:00

Did you know that when you run on a treadmill you do not use all your leg muscles? It is a good anaerobic workout. Plenty of calories are used up. You are doing physical exercise. BUT if the ground is moving for you, then the leg muscles that you use when running on the road to propel yourself forward, are laying dormant. It is not a full running workout.

A treadmill life is where you develop one part of yourself but leave another part undeveloped. For a while you might feel good, but eventually you will see the imbalance. Some people spend a lot of time on physical exercise and zero time on developing their inner life. They may think they have no inner life, but it is there. We are body, mind and spirit you might say. I know people who read or pray a lot, who are physically a mess. They ignore their bodies. So what is ignored in your life today?

Valentine's Day

2012-02-14T18:28:00.003-07:00

I remember when this was an important day for me in terms of relationship with someone. When I was rather immature, I would do special things for my beloved. Why? So that I would get something that I wanted. I never saw it then. People who are self-absorbed usually don't know it. I said that "I was in love." But with whom? I was in love with me getting, having, being something that this person could or should provide me. This person did not know it was their job description. I would never admit it.

You say, "Shocking!" Well, why are you involved in religion or God-relationship? You want to please God? You want to sacrifice your wants, comforts, priorities, for God's will? What about those dark times, "dark nights" as mystics call them, when God seems to be absent, or not caring about your predicament. Do you stay in the relationship, continue to show up, stay committed? Let's wish God a Happy Valentine, and ask for nothing but God's will.

Perfection?

2012-02-13T18:23:00.002-07:00

I read something recently about seeking perfection. It was suggested that I seek God rather than perfection. "Come to me all you who are wearied and burdened," says Matthew 11:28-30. So I find it a bit less daunting to seek God with all my faults instead of working towards perfection. At my age I don't think perfection is going to happen. Even my friends will tell me that. So why exhaust ourselves with trying to do everything perfectly? Leave somethings alone, and undone, and spend time with God, in all your mess. My God does not mind. Does yours?

Soul Breath

2012-02-12T18:31:00.002-07:00

When I think God, not about God, just God, as an awareness, it is when I am noticing that my soul breathes, apart from my lung's breathing. When I go outside at 3:30 AM and look up at the sky, moonless, no street lights, I see all these stars, and say, "Oh my God!" At that moment I am simply aware. Once I begin to think about God, with my mind, that is, to critique, ask for things, question cancer and war, I have moved away from that simple soul-breathing awareness.

Now if I can just rest in this awareness, say with a cup of coffee or tea in my hand, still in the middle of the night, this resting is what can be called "vibrating" with the Presence, the Awareness. Jacob Needleman might be worth reading in this area of thinking God.

A Dwelling Place

2012-02-11T12:41:00.002-07:00

King David said that he would not rest in his own palace, while there was no permanent house or temple for God. God was OK with no permanent house built by our hands. God already dwelled in each of us. God is the uninvited one. When I wake, God is with me. Do I bother to tidy up God's place within me? Or do I postpone this while I fix up and tidy myself for the day's activity? Prayer would be a way so saying, "Hello, welcome." Then God becomes the invited One. At this moment of your day is God still the Uninvited One?

Minimalism

2012-02-10T13:44:00.002-07:00

I sometimes run in shoes that have very little substance to them. The theory is that less is more. The feet have to do more work and the balance of the body is better is these "thin" shoes. I believe they are good for running for my body. But do I do the same thing for my soul? Minimalism in the spiritual life is not a good thing.

"How little do I have to do" for the exercise of my soul? If I am asking this question, then more is better than less. If I run for an hour, and pray, read the bible, for a quarter of that time, and occasionally pick up a book about the interior life, then I am out of whack. My body will deteriorate with age, but the interior life will never grow much in the first place. Get a balance, no?

Alone Or Together

2012-02-09T16:13:00.002-07:00

Today I saw dog walkers in the park. Each had six dogs all walking together. These are dogs who would not get out much with their owners, who might be old, busy, or lame. So owners hire out people to walk their dogs. A dog who does not like to be around other dogs would not make it into this group. Such a dog would be left with a minimal life around the house, neighborhood or backyard.

These dogs I saw had to like or at least be patient with their kind because they walk right up alongside one another in a pack, smelling the same smells each day. These are communal dogs. I have met people who would rather isolate and be miserable, than join a group and maybe get out of themselves. I see it in churches all the time. They put in minimal effort to the communal worship service. They would be just as happy if no one else were there but them. A community of one suits them fine, or at least the misery of one is better than the fear or effort to become part of something bigger than themself. They are part of the body of Christ, but it is a stretch. They prefer the outer extremities. Do they think no one else will be in heaven but them?

Gift of Time

2012-02-08T09:59:00.002-07:00

The first gift I can give God in the morning is time. It is really a return of God's gift to me. I woke up. I did not die in my sleep. It is the gift of another day. If I take a few minutes to thank and be in the presence of God, I am giving God "My" time. During the day I can give more of this gift now and again. God has given me this day. It is a gift. Return a bit of it to God. To do it with Love is a double return.

Crazy

2012-02-06T20:52:00.002-07:00

If you are crazy, you really don't know it, right? I mean that is part of being crazy. You think you are making good decisions and you are not. Crazy people tend not to ask for second opinions. They think that they know what they are doing. Example: you decide to marry someone. Your friends say, "Are you crazy? That guy is all wrong for you." You don't listen. After the marriage, you say to yourself, "What was I thinking? This guy is all wrong for me." In fact, you were not thinking. You are crazy when you decided to marry the fellow.

The people I have met who are aware of their craziness, are people in recovery, in therapy who have accepted a diagnosis of their craziness. I always know when I have passed through a period of craziness. When I come to the realization that I made a dumb decision that at the time did not seem so dumb. Had a asked for some advice from someone who knows me, I would have heard a second opinion that turned out to be correct.

When I told my friends that I was going into the seminary, they did not say I was crazy. They said I would not last, because they knew me and my wildness. I needed to grow up which is an issue of maturity and not so much of craziness. Being wild is not the same as being crazy. Crazy is making decisions that have no chance of working as you think. So, if you have an inkling that you are crazy, get some friends and listen to their opinion when you are "thinking" about "making a change".

Whiners

2012-02-05T21:44:00.003-07:00

In the Hebrew Scriptures, Job becomes a whiner, filled with self-pity. He sees himself as someone who kept the rules, but his life is not working out free from suffering and misery. Isn't it the good people who become whiners? I mean if you are really rotten then you would not expect good things to happen, so you would not whine when misery comes. You expect misery as part of the payoff for being a rotten person. But good people, those who think themselves good, expect God to pay up for their being good. God owes. Whining comes for these people when God does not seem to pay up.

I am sure this happens a lot, but I never hear people confess whining or self-pity. It is so embarrassing to admit that you are a whiner. I am a whiner! No one gives whiners much sympathy. If you lie, or gossip, or are impatient, or disobey authority, people might find these faults acceptable in the sense that they might still accept you with your faults and encourage you to keep trying. But whiners are just told to grow up or shape up. Being a whiner is lonely. You have no friends. Even whiners do not like to be around other whiners.

What to do? Well if there is good news in all this, it is that God knew Job was a whiner filled with self-pity, but God loved Job anyway. Nothing, even embarrassing and shameful whining could turn away God's love. I like that.

Saying and Doing

2012-02-04T07:34:00.001-07:00

I hear people speak about what politicians say versus what politicians do. We tend to look at their actions. When actions contradict words, we believe the actions really define the person and their viewpoint more so than what they say.

Now look at Jesus. He says that he did not come to break rules. Keep the smallest letter of the law. Then he goes and heals Peter's Mother-In-Law on the Sabbath. She gets up and waits on him, on the sabbath. All this rule breaking contradicts what Jesus says. I look at what he does. If he is really human, then he lives a contradiction. It is part of the human condition. It is not a sin. It just is. What Jesus says, are things that work in a perfect world. We don't live in a perfect world and neither did he. What he does, his actions, are a response to an imperfect world. Do as he does until you come into a perfect world. Of course if the Giants win the Super Bowl we will be moving into a more perfect world!

Map For Living

2012-02-03T20:27:00.002-07:00

Maturity means that we know how to live as adults. Some of us need a map for living. We do not know how to move from birth to adulthood without doing a lot of silly, destructive, useless, hurtful things. Religion ought to give us a map. Does it? Well, if the religion is all about sin, guilt and rules, I doubt that we will have much of a useful map.

Think of getting into a car to go someplace. Suddenly, you are focused on all the possible things that could go wrong, or that you might do wrong while driving. "I might go through a red light, and get a ticket." "Someone might hit my car." "The car might break down on the highway." So you decide to not go anywhere in order to avoid all this possible calamity. It seems silly right? But if religion is so full of sin, guilt, and rules, we are focused on all that could go wrong if we do anything. A good map is to take us from where we are to someplace else.

Full Cup

2012-02-02T15:02:00.002-07:00

If I am holding a things or two all in one hand, I tend not to add a full cup of coffee to carry. I might take a half cup so as to limit the possibility of tilting the cup and coffee pouring out onto me or the floor. If I were cold and shivering, I would not pour a full cup of hot beverage so as not to spill some.

A full versus half cup is a good metaphor. If I have too many things going on in my life all at once, an overflowing calendar, you might say, I am likely to make a mess of my life. So I try to keep my schedule as if it were a cup. Don't fill it up all the way. There might be "more" things I could cram into a day, but I would just make a mess of the day. Why should I become a mess? Jesus already saved the world. Leave a bit for the Holy Spirit to do unaided.

Home?

2012-02-01T18:19:00.002-07:00

I am back in San Francisco as of this afternoon. I flew in here from Vero Beach, Florida. Am I home? Just the fact that I have to ask myself this question tells me that life is getting complicated. One of the Paulists said, "Welcome Home" when he saw me.

It seems that it takes me a little while to feel "home" here, but it comes. I have been away. Is it not like this when I pray? If I have been away from prayer, then it takes a bit to feel at home, comfortable in the prayer space. This tells me that I have been traveling away from prayer. Not good. What about you?

Endure, Not Change

2012-01-31T13:16:00.002-07:00

An absolute monarchy is geared to endure, but is not really open to change. It lacks creativity. The church is the last absolute monarchy. It is geared to endure. It is by nature defensive and not open to criticism. It no longer speculates in theology, or tries to find new ways of explaining the faith to new, or modern cultures. But it sure knows how to endure.

The question is, can something change and still endure as an institution? Will it become so completely different that is becomes irrelevant to its purpose? The Church endures to proclaim the Gospel, the Good News. If it does not change, or adapt, it might have a message, but one no one can hear or comprehend not because we have all become non-believers, but because we have all, well, moved on.

The Ryans

2012-01-29T18:58:00.002-07:00

I just said good bye to my two sisters. One will return to LA and the other to South Florida. I will go to San Francisco. We had a reunion in Florida. It seems that the Ryan kids never had a strong desire to stay where we grew up, around New York City and White Plains, NY. Many of our friends still live around where they went to grammar and high school. They never left. It was important for them to stay close to home. We were never like that. It was never our first priority.

I think this is why I could adjust to being in a missionary religious order. I could move to a new place. I could uproot myself. As I grow older I do not care much to move to a new place. I prefer to be around friends I have. I like my routines. I do not seem to be the missionary I once was. I don't much care to travel, except to see friends. I can be very active in this world that I know.

I am much more drawn to a chance to meditate, to the open time that routines allow for. When everything is new and different, there is too much busyness and chaos. The interior life suffers. It has taken me a long time to get to this space or place in my life. I still want to grow, but not see so many "new" things. I am not bored by my life. There is plenty of stimulation within me, with the connection to a deep place in my heart. Jesus never went to far from home, so why should I? Neither of us are running from anything. He never did, and I no longer care to.

My Opinion?

2012-01-28T17:54:00.002-07:00

When someone tells me how they think that a conversation or a scenario is going to play out with someone, and I think that might be off base, I can be useless to them by saying:
"That is stupid, the way you think."
"You don't know what you are talking about."
"Man, it is not going to be that way. You are way off base."
"Are you crazy?"

Now all of these responses on my part will simply close the person off from anything I might be trying to say. I am sounding judgmental, opinionated, and superior. What I might do is say, "Would you like my opinion?" If they say no, then that is the end of it from my side. Say no more. More often though, people will respond positively to my asking ever so gently, "Would you like my opinion?" Try it sometime.

Whose Language?

2012-01-27T07:00:00.001-07:00

The Church decided to retranslate the mass from a vernacular that is common in the USA, to one that comes from the Latin, more common to people who used to or even now use Latin. Will it take? Young people seem enthrall edgy it because it is "different" special, unique. It is like being in a special club. How long this will enthrall them I don't know. Is it open to evangelizing? It seems to me that if you want to evangelize, you adapt or inculturation somehow to the culture of the indigenous people. Dowe really want a special language. We are not an occult group with special handshakes.

The events of our faith took place in the middle east or what we might call the orient from western Europe. The dogma, the theology that explained the events come out of Greek and Latin thinking. Why? Because we were talking to Europeans. Use thei language and way of thinking. So why not do the same for the USA?

The News

2012-01-26T05:29:00.001-07:00

This morning I noticed a report in the news that said a football team won a game because the Quarterback led them on a final drive for a score in overtime. The quarterback is portrayed as a hero. Well, I saw that game. The Quarterback was thoroughly beaten by the other teams defense. He could not do much of anything. The reason for the win was that the other team made two very bad mistakes and lost the football, called a turnover.

Why was this not reported? Why was the story tilted toward the heroics of the Quarterback on the winning team? How many other events, that I do not witness, are tilted in some direction that does not reflect what actually happened. I think of world events, including news of what the Catholic Church is doing here and there. The Internet does not improve things at all. It just gives more places to look, and look sooner, for inaccurate reporting.

The Plant and the Pot

2012-01-25T15:24:00.002-07:00

When a plant or seedling is first put into a pot of soil, the seedling is nurtured and protected. This is necessary. Yet the pot will define how large the plant can grow. At some point the pot becomes too small, too narrow, too shallow for a plant that wants to keep growing. If the plant is not moved to a larger venue, it will become stifled, will not become all that it is meant to become.

The catechism, and a set theology, dogma, that is precisely defined is like a pot. A child or someone new to the faith is planted in it. This is good. The person needs to be nurtured, to have some sense of the whatness of the faith. An inquiring, expanding mind however will continue to grow. The catechism and the precisely defined body of doctrine may not be able to contain such a person who is growing in their faith. Tradition prefers to act like a pot with a ability to nourish within a set boundary. But it is always a boundary. The relationship between God and creature cannot be confined.

Things become even more complicated when we try and take our western pot and place all of Asia into it. Even the Asian bishops are saying we have to come up with something new. It is not the soil that is the problem. It is the pot.

My Hair

2012-01-24T07:10:00.000-07:00

I was trying to grow my hair longer than usual in order to keep my head warm in the cold. Plus, it covers bald spots. But there is a problem. I wear ski caps or knit caps when I run or just go outside and walk about. When I take the cap off, my hair is going all over the place, maybe from static electricity. I look like a did a bad job of spiking my hair.

So I cut my hair back shorter. I feel a bit chilly now and again indoors. But I can wear my caps and don't look so funny or weird when I take off my hat. I guess you cannot have it all, huh? I think about this when I try and wedge in all my plans in the 24 hour day. Usually, something has to be cut out.

The Memorial

2012-01-24T06:49:00.000-07:00

Toward the end of the last calendar year, I read about a memorial for all the animals that had passed away that year. The thought came to me that here was a memorial to beings that are not human. It was a memorial without controversy. Now, many people think that fetuses are not human. Though I disagree, for the sake of argument, if you think a fetus a not a human being, like a dog is not a human being, why not have a memorial for all the fetuses that passed away this past year?

I don't think that memorial would go over without a lot of comment. Why is it that some people have no problem memorializing dead animals, but would be uptight about doing the same thing for dead fetuses? Maybe a dead fetus would bother them more than they would like to admit. Or was the fetus an inconvenience, whereas the animal was a comfort, a friend, a companion? I don't know the answer to this.

I do know that when there is a big rally, or march for the protection of the fetus, which to the marchers is a true human being, it does not get very much coverage in the media. Well, the animal memorial got very good coverage in the media. The poor fetus, even if you don't think it is human, gets ignored. I am thankful for those people who memorialize a dead fetus each year. Someone has to stick up for the little guy.

Exercise

2012-01-23T06:43:00.002-07:00

Many of us take ourselves to a gym or exercise club several times a week, or we walk or bike as our routine of exercise. We sometimes plan our day around this activity to stay fit. When we die, we won't be taking this body with us. What carries on? Our out of shape soul goes on. So why not exercise the soul, our spiritual innards, each day?

Prayer is the act of taking our soul to the gym or exercise club. There are no dues or fees, no membership to keep up. It is simply a commitment to ourselves to care for that part of us that is, well, the real us! This morning I could have gone off to the club to exercise my flesh. I would feel good all over, for a while. But I decided to put it off and exercise my soul, in prayer, right here in my room. I feel good all over, and I think it will have a more lasting effect.

Be Prepared

2012-01-21T16:21:00.002-07:00

The Boy Scouts always teach "Be Prepared." The newspaper says snow tonight and into the morning. Everything outside says summer in January. But what if? So I changed my mass assignment from a mountain parish to which my car cannot go in the snow, to mass here at lower altitude where I don't have to drive. I may look like a fool in the morning, but better that than no mass in the mountain church.

Things look pretty calm in Mother Nature in general. I make plans for a future I fully expect to arrive. What if it does not? Second coming? Earthquake? Hundred year flood? Am I prepared for my end? I am a fool every day if I am not ready for plans other than my own.

In Perspective

2012-01-19T07:42:00.002-07:00

Well, I survived the night of the big winds that are still blowing here in Boulder. Our fence was not so lucky. It fell. I am not too upset. I am still here and not blown away, yet. Disaster is a matter of perspective. If the fence fell apart in some freak accident, I could see myself all whining and feeling, "Why me?". After a night of continuous chinook winds, the loss of only a fence seems a small matter. In fact it is always a SMALL matter. It is all in my perspective. My skinny little Newpaper was on the porch. A bonus for sure. Come to think of it, I never really liked that fence anyway.

Counter Culture

2012-01-18T09:55:00.002-07:00

When people look at the monastic life, they often think it very strange. Monks do not talk a whole lot, nor watch TV, listen to radio or have a whole lot of sound in their solitude. But we who look at their culture as strange, might be even more strange, especially to a monk.

During the time set for work in the monastery, a specific task that helps keep the monastery clean, or derives income for the monastery, or an administrative task, suddenly a bell chimes. It is time to stop the work. No work is so important as to trump the bell. Stop what you are doing and go on to whatever is next, usually prayer or meals. Why? So that we do not let anything become too important in the day as to forget that God comes first. The monk does not fool himself the way we do ourselves. He does not say, "I must finish this task and then I will pray." "Later" never comes to the fool.

We see all of our tasks as too important not to complete. Our spiritual life is always in the shadow of our task oriented life. When you go to your grave, do you think anyone will care so much about whether you finished or accomplished something? Someone will come along to take your place in the task world. So then, who is living a "strange" life?

Don Bosco

2012-01-17T10:45:00.002-07:00

Our dog, Don Bosco, seems not to want to be left alone to roam through the house. When alone, he chews on things, such as furniture and bedding. He barks at the window that looks out across our alley onto a ledge where the neighbor cat often sits. Even if the cat is not there, Don Bosco barks, on and on.

We made a discovery. Put on talk radio, NPR, and Don Bosco seems to quiet down. He likes the sound of voices. He is pretty good with Gregorian Chant too. It is the quiet that makes him uneasy. In his cage he is fine, but I don't want to lock him in there during the day. Maybe our dog is part of this trend among young people. Many of them do not like silence, or being alone with silence. Wow! Looks like there is no future for monastic life in this culture.

Then again, silence, and solitude could become a counter-sign to the modern Western world's need for noise and activity. As you read this, what is going on in your background? If we cannot be in silence with just ourselves, if we find this boring, then why should we expect anyone else to want to be with "just me?"

Golden Globes

2012-01-16T07:43:00.000-07:00

I might need new life. I am watching the movie and TV award show with all the glamour. I know little to nothing of most of the movies. I know nothing about the TV shows or the people winning all these awards. I used to know all this stuff. What happened to me? Am I irrelevant?

Well, I spend summers in a monastery. I read. I go to bed earlier than I used to. If one goes to bed early they cannot be looking at much TV. Oh, and I don't have a TV. If you know all these Tv shows and movies, have you read any books lately? Getting enough sleep? I think maybe I will keep my life.

Acceptance

2012-01-15T19:39:00.002-07:00

The local parish pulled up all the carpet around the sanctuary and revealed a beautiful floor. Then they cleaned off all the glue and residue from the carpet. It all was looking very good and bright. Then they put a big carpet back down on a considerable portion of the floor. I was told that the carpet is beautiful. It is not.

But I am not in charge. I can go crazy or become resentful. I can say many more mean things. Or I can be into acceptance. When craziness goes on around me I do not have to respond in kind.

Hate and Love

2012-01-12T15:29:00.002-07:00

I was watching a "Count of Monte Cristo" movie one night. Alexander Dumas was the author. It is a story of Love conquering Hate. The Count, Edmund, was thrown into prison for life. He was framed or set up. His best friend then married the Count's girlfriend who was pregnant with Edmund's child and to protect the child, entered into the marriage. Edmund escapes from prison, finds a treasure, and plots revenge on his ex-friend and his old sweetheart, who he thinks did not wait very long to marry.

Edmund is driven by hate. At a certain point his old sweetheart, Mercedes, tells him she has always loved him. He tells her not to ruin his hate with her love. But she does. A kiss from Mercedes melts Edmund's hate. Eventually, Edmund decides to use his wealth for good rather than for evil, or revenge. I thought of Jesus on the cross. He was surrounded by hate and indifference. It was a rathe heartless scene of people who did not care much or at least did not care much for him. He accepted all this hate rather than to plot some revenge. Jesus forgave and loved his enemies and those who were just doing a day's work of crucifying convicted people. The centurion stabbed Jesus in the heart and then proclaimed that Jesus was the Son of God. Hate and indifference can be overcome by love. Jesus believed this and Dumas tended to agree.

Acceptance

2012-01-11T12:57:00.002-07:00

it is snowing. It is supposed to stop at 1 PM. That is about 2 minutes from now. It is snowing in a way that says it will not stop. I wanted to send all the children home two hours ago. Could not do it. Why? Lawsuits! If we let them out early and they get into an accident then we are libel. If they go home at the usual time and get into an accident on the way, we are not libel. Go figure. So I have to accept that at 3 PM today there will be chaos in the snow filled parking and pickup area of the school with students and cars sliding all over the place. But we will not be libel. And I was thinking of the students. Acceptance.

Becoming

2012-01-10T19:09:00.002-07:00

Some people do alcohol or drugs to become the person they want to be. I use prayer. If I want to deactivate my worst faults, and be loving, kind, and serene, I find that quiet, meditative prayer seems to work for me. A couple of time outs each day seems to interrupt or keep the craziness away. Sometimes the craziness is so crazy that I ignore prayer. It is best for me that I introduce quiet time into my life earlier rather than wait for later each day.

At times when I am at the beginning of my quiet time, I am anything but quiet. Rather than be still, I seem to feel an intense desire to jump out of my skin. This reveals to me how tense I am, how preoccupied I am with energized thoughts. Stress can hide until I try and be still. I wait with a short prayer, even a word thought quietly two or three times. I don't jump out of my skin. I begin to relax. Maybe there is a spasm or two of tension as it leaves my body. Then I am at rest, or as the bible says, "Be still, and know that I am God."

God's Body

2012-01-08T20:55:00.002-07:00

God does not want to have a body. The old time gods wanted bodies but could not have them. They were gods. That is why they like blood sacrifices, so some tribes thought. The gods did not have blood so we gave them some of ours.

But the Abba God of Jesus is satisfied to remain Spirit and invisible, but would like to experience human life through a human body. My body is a gift from God so that I can give it back to God in the way I live. My life can give enjoyment to God if I live it in a loving and giving way. If I am not too sure of how to do this, I have Jesus as an example.

When I have the gift of friendship is is because my friend wants to enjoy life through my uniques gifts and talents and personality. If I am selfish, self-centered, unkind and generally whining, I am a gift for no one. I seem to behave better when I think this way, and worse when I focus only on me.

Statements

2012-01-06T10:51:00.002-07:00

When rich people want to make a statement about themselves, they build 18,000 square foot homes with water falls, and gardens. They buy expensive cars. What do poor people do, or young people who don't have a lot of resources? What do they do? Well, they have their bodies. They tattoo them and pierce them. They try and enhance their status, or make some statement about where they belong in some social circle.

Sadly, for some, they think it makes them more, whereas their body from God makes them less. God's creation simply isn't cool. Change something about the skin and become more comfortable in that skin. Anything less is too ordinary. But we are never really ordinary. God is delighted with us as we are without all the additions. We are enough for God. Why are we not enough for ourselves? Maybe we need a second opinion. But don't ask your tattooed friend.

Disguise

2012-01-05T11:32:00.003-07:00

There is yet another "Sherlock Holmes" movie current. Sherlock specializes in disguises. He is trying to solve some mystery, and the disguise might help him to get to the solution whereas the normal Sherlock would just get in the way.

I believe that God shows up in disguises. God is trying to help us to know the mystery of ourselves. God knows, but we do not. If God were to show up as just God, we would be overwhelmed by the Presence, and not be able to see much of ourselves, beyond the fear or awe.

We try to get rid of most of God's disguises. God shows up as our moods, or as unexpected events, or as people who are strangers to us. Moods we might try to change. People we might try to ignore. The unexpected simply irritates us. It just might be the Presence saying, " Why not take a look at yourself without judgment or action in each of these situations." Some of our own mystery might then be revealed to us.

Cat Eyes

2012-01-04T10:57:00.002-07:00

A black cat sits on a ledge across the driveway from my room. I watch cat. Suddenly cat turns around on the ledge and looks intently into the neighbor's yard. It sees something. I look too. I see nothing. Nothing is moving. How can cat see and I cannot? Cat has better eyes. And cat is looking for something.

My soul has cat eyes. Soul is searching and can see what my body eyes cannot see. I fail to "see" my soul's hunger for God. I only feel a certain dis-ease, unsettledness. My soul sees the presence of God and tries to focus on that presence, while my body goes about doing this and that activity which fails to satisfy the hunger of the soul.

Soul cannot directly speak to me and say, "Look". The language of soul is silence. I am blind until the emptiness of food that does not fill bothers me too much to ignore it any longer. But by then I am a wreck. What a silly way to live. Busy and empty at the same time.

Change

2012-01-03T11:07:00.002-07:00

I am here in Boulder again for the Christmas season. I am the only priest among three Boulder parishes. The others all left town. Last year it was the same scenario. I like to spend Christmas in Boulder, but why not think about a change of venue for this time of year? What stands in the way?

Routine. This is what has happened. I have several reasons for wanting to be here, but the one that seems to hold a lot of pull is routine. I think that routine is the enemy of change. To do something different is to do something new, without knowing how the "new" will work out. Routine seems to have the pull of a "guarantee" to it. I know how things will work out. That is why I call it a routine.

So just to make sure that routine does not rule my life too much, I think that I will be someplace else come next Christmas. But one never knows.

New Year

2012-01-02T10:46:00.002-07:00

This is the time for resolutions. Well, a resolution is just a decision, a matter of the mind. No action is taken. The will is not engaged. a resolution will take on some flesh when we begin to drop one thing to replace it with our resolution. Or we shift our priorities, but I suspect something is going to be put off of our daily activities if this new resolution is going to be acted upon. No one has free time to just add something. So what are you dropping? you could try and fool yourself and say you are simply adding something and still going to do it all.

Forgotten

2011-12-29T10:30:00.002-07:00

My experience is that there are three stages in the life of a a priest and a community. It might be thus for all people. The three stages are, beloved, missed and forgotten. While the priest is living in the community he serves, he is beloved. This assumes a lot of competence of course on his part. I will assume it for the sake of my example. Then he goes away. For a while he is missed. If he is replaced by an incompetent, he will be missed as long as the incompetent is in place. But if he is replaced by a competent person the missing time is significantly shortened. Then he is pretty much forgotten.

I have gone back to communities where I used to work. The forgotten stage is when it is no longer a big deal that you are visiting. Competent people are doing the job. Your presence will no longer change the pattern of peoples' coming and going lives. This has helped me to realize what effect the "beloved" stage has, or how real it was in the first place. I no long take my "importance" so seriously. I can and will be replaced quite nicely by others over time. To make a great effort to keep people in the "missing" stage is really quite silly and a poor use of energy.

When someone dies, who misses them and for how long? Wonderful things are said about them at their funeral. It is a bit like a going away party. They are missed for a while by the general community and then pretty much forgotten. At an anniversary we say, "Oh, it has been that long since so and so died?" The only people who keep in the beloved stage and the missing stage are family relatives. No one will replace your mother on the family staff.

Let's stop taking so seriously how important we are, think we are, or people tell us we are outside of blood family. Relax. If you have some inkling of doing some new and different things, changing some patterns of how and where you spend your time, don't worry so much about your fans or co workers, community. Believe me. They can adjust. You might ask which stage you are in with relation to God. Forgotten? Who moved on?

Disruption

2011-12-26T03:42:00.000-07:00

When Jesus came he did not disrupt anyone, except for political and military power. Jesus did not even throw anyone out of the Inn so that he could have a room. He took up space in an empty manger. Caesar Augustus wanted to make change and he disrupted the whole world of his empire to make the conquered peoples travel for a census. Who really made the greater difference and greater change? Rome as an empire is gone. Christendom of the Middle Ages is gone. Genghis Khan is gone as is his empire. The little mange baby is still around, still making change for those who are open to a little disruption in their self-imploded lives. Jesus started out small. So can we in allowing our lives to be changed by the infant in the manger. If you can sit still for five minutes a day without any outside stimulus or noise, that little baby might have just enough space to start something.

Deliver Us

2011-12-25T15:31:00.002-07:00

Jesus came to deliver us from lawlessness and other things. I saw pictures taken of delivery people tossing packages over fences and across driveways. It seemed like they wanted to get rid of a lot of packages. It was the week before Christmas and they were overwhelmed with deliveries.

Jesus does not want to get rid of me. He is never overwhelmed by the lot of us. His delivery is so gentle that we can resist being delivered. Some of us don't really want to go anywhere. We stay like wrapped packages, meant for someplace or someone, but never getting there. I like the idea of being like a wrapped package, a gift, that when delivered by Jesus will make someone happy. How would that work?

First, I am chosen by God to be gift. Then the inner tissue wrapping is that of forgiveness. Then boxed in acceptance. Then outer wrapped in love, with a ribbon of joy. As someone receives me, they feel joy, then love and then acceptance and then forgiveness. Some of us just don't want to be a gift. We would rather stay in old regrets, resentments, memories, prejudices, pride and judgments. What a lost opportunity Christmas becomes.

Snow amount

2011-12-23T10:16:00.003-07:00

Boulder was measured at 14.6 inches of snow yesterday. Where was that measured? I shoveled more than that and waded through more than that trying to walk the sidewalks. My measurement is 18 inches. It all depends on where you measure. Each of us measures from our experience of snow where we are. There is an "official" measurement, and then there is the reality I experience.

So it is with religion, an "official" experience of God, versus an individual's experience. Is there a correct answer for everyone? No. Religion through its theology and scriptures tries to convince you of an experience, though it may be at odds with your experience. God is not bound by theology. Mohamed had an experience. It was not mine. Jews did not have the Jesus experience of Christians. Theology might work with atheists. It did so for C.S.Lewis. Read "Mere Christianity." I think theology works very well with people who have not given the God idea much thought at all, including many a baptized Christian. Nothing but a life crisis will overcome laziness.

So, if someone says they have had an experience of the Divine, the Numenous, and it influences their life in a more deeply human way of living, why try an convince them that your experience is better? Maybe ask yourself how your belief has effected your life for the better.

Tie and Untie

2011-12-21T16:46:00.002-07:00

When I wake up in he morning, if I begin right away to fret, plan, worry about the day, it becomes as if I am tying myself up with a rope. I then go through the day struggling to get things done. I am in knots and not comfortable and at ease with events as they arise.

Prayer is when I allow God to free me, loosen my bonds. I become more relaxed and at ease as different situations present themselves. The earlier I pray after I awaken, the less tied up I am likely to become as the day unfolds. These holidays can wrap you in love or in knots. Choose life.

Expectations

2011-12-20T10:08:00.002-07:00

Sunday was a glorious day of warmth and sunshine. I ran in bike shorts. The temperature was in the mid 50s. Monday dawned cloudy and cold. Snow began to fall. It snowed all day. I was upset. Why is this such a miserable day! Well, it is mid-December and it is Colorado at 5000 feet altitude. It is supposed to be cold and inclement in December. Why did I have this attitude of disappointment in what should be the norm?

I mistook the gift of a beautiful day, for the right to have every day be just as pleasant. I turned a gift into an expectation. Whenever I do this, I am setting myself up for disappointment. Today I get another chance. It is sunny and the snow is beginning to melt. It will be warmer today than yesterday. Enjoy today. It will snow again later in the week. Enjoy today and do not expect December to become April everyday. Soak in the gift for the moment. Life is passing all too quickly. Enjoy what I have now. I cannot control tomorrow anyway.

Mother Mary

2011-12-19T05:00:00.000-07:00

When Mary looks at Jesus, like many a mother, she sees something of herself in him. I am baptized. I am a brother of Jesus. Plus, the Church is the Body of Christ. At my best, I reflect this image, this life of Christ. Sacraments help to keep me at my best. I think Mary's maternal love for us all is based upon this Christ connection. Fortunately, her love, patience and acceptance of me do not disappear when I mess up. She still sees the image, the reflection, no matter how I try and dim it.

My Eyes

2011-12-18T11:11:00.002-07:00

God made me to see God's world, creation and enjoy it through my eyes. God became fully human only once. Yet, in each of us God wants to enjoy through our human faculties. So I have a job every day. Keep the lens clean, open to wonder and hidden mystery. When I turn in upon myself, center the world on me, I cloud the lens. It is as if I were to put my hands in the way of God seeing and enjoying Creation .Maybe this is why sin makes God unhappy.

The Guitar

2011-12-16T10:02:00.002-07:00

The soul is like a guitar that is meant to sing a song of praise to God. God is the one who strings and tunes the soul so the song will be one that is in tune. We must wait each morning for God to retune us. Sometimes, we jump right into our routines of prayer. This is a bit like taking the strings and arranging them as pleases us. If the strings of the guitar are not properly arranged, no effort on our part will ever play a song in tune. Try as we might with our routines, our efforts alone avail us little. Sit quietly and be tuned. It only takes a few minutes. If you are used to being in control of your spiritual doings, a few moments will seem like a tedious forever.

Prayer is not meant to complete one more task for the day. It is for the building of relationship. Who wants to listen all day to someone who is out of tune? You don't waste time listening to such music. Why should God?

Moderation?

2011-12-15T11:36:00.005-07:00

I hear the "wise" saying, "All things in moderation." It sounds like a reasonable statement, except if you were, say, drowning. To swim with moderation is to swim to your own peril. You swim all out to stay above water, and move to safety wherever you find it. That seems to be our instinct. When life is threatened, we go all out.

When my spiritual life is sinking into an abyss of staleness, due to neglect, I don't think that prayer in moderation works very well. I am dying within, not to union with God, but to mediocrity at best. I need to go all out to begin to breathe in the Spirit again. The monastery is a wonderful place for me to go to climb or be lifted out of mediocrity. It is not excess if it is a struggle for survival. It is hard to breathe under water, but many of us seem to accept living at this "depth."

Surrender

2011-12-14T06:19:00.002-07:00

What does surrender mean? For me it means that I begin to see that the paths of my routines have an end. I do not try to push beyond this end. I wait, but a small, brief moment. Something new opens before me. It is the same me on this new path, yet there is a lightness about it that overcomes any anxiety. It is a bit like switching from coffee to brewed tea leaves. It is the same cup and the same lips that touch the cup, but it is no longer coffee that I am drinking.

The Light

2011-12-13T06:12:00.002-07:00

The nuns used to tell me that when I sinned badly, Jesus left my soul. God was gone from me. Later in life, I heard that God is always within me, within each of us from conception. What gives here? Tagore the poet helps make a distinction. I am meant to reflect the light of God that is within me. God's plan is for me, in love, to absorb, accept, and reflect the Light. When I do bad things, am selfish, unkind, act inappropriately, the Light does not leave me. I now no longer reflect the Light to the world around me.

The person we call holy, or an adept, is like us in having the Light, but they relflect it so much more brightly and clearly than us or at least me. Is the Light reflecting out from you today?

Good Deeds

2011-12-12T14:51:00.002-07:00

Whenever I do a good deed that is not necessary or part of some job I do, it always seems to pick me up. I got a call to go 24 miles to anoint someone who was in the mountains and dying from cancer. The local parish had not yet called back. The caller cried with relief when I said I would come. I put down my really good cup of morning, dressed and drove up there. I felt uplifted that I had a chance to be of some service, to bring a sense of God's love to a dying woman..

When I saw the woman in bed I knew that she had very little time left on this earth. She was still able to talk to me some and answer a quiry or two. I chatted with her, took my time, held her warm hand in my cold hand, anointed her and gave her communion. As I was leaving her daughter said she wanted to make a donation to the church where I live. She wrote out a check for a $1000. As she was writing out the check, the local parish called her. Good that they called, but it turned out to a $1000 too slow. Sometimes my instant "Yes" stumbles into surprising things.

Chanakah

2011-12-10T14:36:00.002-07:00

December 21 begins the Jewish feast of Chanakah. It goes for eight days. This year it will continue through our Christmas. There is no effort in our secular culture to keep God out of Chanakah, to diminish it to days for eating special foods with friends. But there is a big effort to keep Christ out of Christmas. People get offended if we make much of a religious display of Christmas. No holy Christmas carols in the malls or on the radio. And how much do Catholics allow this to happen? Do we avoid a big nativity scene in our front yard because it might offend someone? Do you think the Jews hide their menorah?

I wonder if the "No Christ" energy comes from people who used to be identified as Christians/Catholics, and now have decided they no longer believe or don't want to be part of this Church? When a Jew stops believing or practicing, they are still Jewish. They cannot be not Jewish. So they don't get all upset about Jewish ceremonies or belief practices of fellow Jews. When someone goes from the Christian label to atheist or non-Christian, they seem to leave with an edge to them. They don't want anything to remind them of those Christmas years where Christ was present or coming. They want to shop though. Consumerism is the religion of the secular culture. Right after Christmas these people are exhausted. They are so over the excess of it all, the shopping, the wrapping, the dinners.

For us who keep Christ in Christmas, the joy is just beginning. How do you keep Christ in Christmas? I am going to start playing some Christ Chrismas Carols right now, and sing them too!

Second Chances

2011-12-09T08:52:00.002-07:00

We are a country known as the place of second chances. If you mess up or fail in one endeavor you can try all over again. Mary as the Immaculate Conception is the patroness of our country. Under this title she is part of God's second chance. Only four people have ever come into this world free of sin. Adam, Eve, Mary, and Jesus. Adam and Eve were part of the first creation, sin free.. They messed up. So God begins a new creation, our second chance. We say that we baptized people are a new creation.

Mary is the new Eve if you will. She is a person without sin, the Immaculate Conception. She is our mother in this new creation. We mess up but she never gets angry, throws a fit, makes us take a time out. She does not sin. She is always giving us second chances when we seek her comfort. Jesus does this too. He gave us confession. Peter is the first pope. He needed a couple of second chances. We are a church of second chances.

Eucharistic Miracles

2011-12-08T05:37:00.000-07:00

What is all this interest in miracles and relics that I read about? They have always been here, but it seems as if they make headlines in the Catholic Press. My take on this is that we have given up on trying to dialogue with the postmodern world. Our old arguments don't seem to be moving a lot of people to take our faith seriously. The pope says that our faith should appeal to reason, but we don't seem to be able to do that very well as far as many outsiders see it. Our moral stance on some issues seems not to be very convincing when we give our reasons.

Rather than live in some state of feeling irrelevant in the secular world, we turn inward. Thus the focus on miracles. It is not to convince outsiders who see us as irrelevant, but it does give a boost to our own faith. I think that the internal changes we make, such as liturgical language, are part of this inward look. When it comes to social justice issues we cannot agree amongst ourselves much less convince others of any stance. Conservative Catholics politically think we need to be at war. Others seem to disagree with this stance. For some of us, helping the poor is a matter of the virtue of Charity. For others of us it is a matter of Social Justice. Miracles seem to be the one place or issue upon which we can be in some agreement.

There are many miracles that give us great joy and hope. I see them in people recovering from various addictions. Bu then these miracles have to get out and make the world a better place. They are not looking inward all the time.

Time Out

2011-12-07T10:30:00.002-07:00

why is it that some people cannot take some time off for themselves? "I have so much to do," is one thing I hear. "I think of all the things that still have to be done and no one else will do them,? is another thing I hear. Is there some guilt in this? Some control issues? Whatever it is, try thinking about God in the following way.

Now God can do all things and is all powerful, we say we believe. God did thane a day off in Genesis, to rest. The world got on without God at work for a day. God does not seem to have a need to solve all problems. Look at all the good people that suffer from maladies, hunger, disease, cruelties of one sort and another. God does not seem to fix this. So if God is not going to fix everything and do everything that we think needs doing, then why should we? Maybe God is trying to tell us something. maybe some things just don't get done by God much less than by us who are far less powerful.

I am going home to read a book.

To Rest

2011-12-05T21:42:00.002-07:00

How do we know when it is time to rest the soul? I suspect that when we wake up from sleep and still feel weary within, then it is time to step away. At this point, if we try to keep going and not to rest the weary soul, we will drag down those around us. We are not called by God to be slavish in our service, but to pace ourselves. Even Christ stepped aside and went off alone to a quiet place. The world managed!

There is a time to work, a time to play, and a time to be your own best friend. Sometimes I get to be of service to another weary soul. I say, "Take the day off and I will take care of things." What better gift can we give to someone in this busy season? So be good to yourself. You never know when your lightness of being will be a service to a dry and soul-burdened friend.

The Wilderness

2011-12-04T19:51:00.004-07:00

I think of the dying process as a wilderness. It is not a place in which we have been before. We generally do not get to do a dry run for the dying process. We might feel alone, berift, anxious and fearful among other things. Who will be that comforting voice to tell the dying person that God is with them, and will not abandon them. The voice of comfort says that you'll not die alone. God will lift you up from this wilderness. Someone who provides palliative care, deals with pain management. But that person may have no hope in a loving and present God, or any belief in anything after death. That person will not be the comforting voice for we people of faith.

The believing, loving, hopeful care giver, with their gentle and calm voice, will the "Voice in the Wilderness" about which we hear in the Advent readings. Some people who feel like life is a wilderness journey need the voice of John the Baptist, saying "Watch and Repent." But most of us need someone gentler and more comforting. To know that there is a God who walks with me and loves me will bring me eventually to repentance. It will be a repentance due to gratefulness and not to fear.

Drained

2011-12-03T14:52:00.002-07:00

I looked out the window this morning. It was snowing. I was to give a workshop this morning. My mind began to race with "first thoughts." No one will come to help make coffee and set out the treats. Few people will come to the workshop. I will have no income. I will go to debtor's prison. My life is in ruins.

These are "first thoughts." We don't control the first thoughts. They just come. It is what we do next that tests our spiritual condition. I decided to lay there in bed for a bit and be with God. I did. Then I got up and poured some coffee, studied my notes, prayed, and said my Holy Office morning prayer. I went over to the hall where I was to teach. There was someone there to make the coffee and set up the food which I brought out. We smiled. I rejoiced that Barbara was there to help. "It will be what it will be," we said. I set up some chairs. I did not get crazed. I thought maybe five people might come. Whining and self-pity were ready to take center stage. But they did not. Grace was center stage this morning. "All will be well," said Julian of Norwich.

Over 40 people came. There was plenty to eat. The sound system did not work, but everyone came up close and I did not have to shout. The morning went well. The snow stopped in time for everyone to drive safely at the end of the morning. Are you testing me God? I am not that together! So now the workshop is past and I feel drained, not from the teaching so much as from all those messy feeling and behaviors that were trying to break through to have their way. I love Grace.

C Note

2011-12-01T19:59:00.002-07:00

When we sing the Amen at the end of a prayer, we generally end up on the C note. No matter where we reach for the "A" in Amen, the "Men" of Amen goes for the comfort of the C note. Why? Because a prayer of this type is to bring us to a place of rest for what comes next. So we reach for a higher or lower note just prior to the C, but the final note will be C.

I find chanting to be a mirror of the spiritual life. We stretch and then we rest. We cannot always be one or the other. In this season of Advent we stretch ourselves to get into a "Waiting" mode. Waiting for God is not natural to us. We can do westerners do not wait well. Waiting takes some effort and preparation. We have to smooth out the path for Christ. We have to work on ourselves. Then we have to rest. Hopefully, The Christmas season is a rest time. Daily we must rest. There is a C note place in all of us that calls us to rest.

The Cloud!

2011-11-30T16:00:00.002-07:00

I am trying to switch my MAC computers over to a new operating system called "The Cloud" which is cloudy to me at this point. My printer seems not to have been taken along in the transition. I am making a change and for now things are not going so smoothly. I have moments where I long for the older system. It functioned well enough for me. What to do?

I could get angry, and resentful, all of which would change nothing about my computer issues. I accept this situation as it is right now. I made an appointment at the Apple store to see someone who can enlighten me as to what to do next and how to do it. Maybe the problem will get fixed right there. I know from the past that all these electronic issues do get resolved. I also know that anger and self-pity never contributed one bit to the solution, but sure did give me a lot of stress.

When there is change in your life, caused by you or others, what is your response? You are not responsible for your first thoughts. They just come. The second thoughts are where the solution lies in order to live a life of some peace in the Presence of Truth. If my computer problems are my worse event today, I am having a good day. I am just not getting my way.

I believe

2011-11-29T21:46:00.002-07:00

Why did we drop the "We believe" and now say "I believe" if we are in a communal mass setting? Good question. The creed is what was said for me when I was baptized. I was baptized into a community. I go to mass to pray with the community, the Body of Christ in the local church. But I was not baptized at the same time as anyone else. We are all baptized one by one even at an Easter Vigil of adults. So here at the mass when I profess the creed I am placing myself at the point of the baptismal font. Here I am saying that "I" do believe. It is said for the individual infant baptized or said by the adult when baptized. It is my recommitment.

When I say "I believe" I say it for myself, my commitment. I cannot speak for anyone else. We may be the Body of Christ, but we are individual believers in that body. The hand does not speak for the eye.

Updates

2011-11-28T14:18:00.002-07:00

I have been away from my office computer in Boulder for two months. I am trying to update it. It seems that I am getting a little lost in what is new and what I can use and what I cannot use due to the age of my computer. So far I am a bit confused, but being patient. The battery in my wireless keypad corroded. So I had to get a new keypad before I could do anything on my computer. Patience. I don't seem to have control in my office here in Boulder.

When I am away from God, is it not the same results? I try to get updated with God, but God may not be cooperating with my life style. If I ignore God for several months, or even days, stuff happens in the relationship, no? My soul corrodes, get stuck. I think I need a new soul! It is better if I stay in touch with God and my computer on a more regular basis. It is not good to be out of touch with God that is for sure. I may have to travel and be away form my office computer, but I am never away from God in my travels...unless I choose to do so. Then I suffer.

Waiting

2011-11-27T17:09:00.002-07:00

On the airplane I wait for the attendant to come along with the peanuts and ask if I would like something to drink. I wait with some expectation. I look forward to it. I know that it will happen any minute now.

On the other hand I wait for the church roof to be repaired. I do not wait with any expectation. I have no idea when it will happen. I dread the inconvenience it causes while we are unable to make use of the church for our worship services. I expect the worse. I expect endless delays.

Which one of these two ways of waiting approximates my waiting for the return of the Glorified Christ? I mean, I am waiting, yes?

Church Speak

2011-11-26T06:00:00.000-07:00

In the monastery when we pray the psalms in chant, we are not seeking information, or moral instruction or even a good feeling, though any one of these may happen at any one prayer. The wording of the prayers are not in the ordinary syntax or cadence of our rather blunt direct way of talking. That way of talking gives information or conveys a mood. Psalm chant is to transform me. Our communal way of praying is to open me to God's transforming grace that will bring forth my potential to be another Christ.

At it's best, this is what the new prayers and actions of the revised Roman Missal are trying to do. The prayers are at times more poetic, less direct, and more of them are chanted. "But chant is not natural to our way of praying," we say in rebuttal. Precisely. The mass is group/communal prayer that is supposed to be different from the way we pray privately. Communal prayer in the mass is part of this attempt to be more open to being transformed by grace. You do things that you don't normally do. You chant.

I go to the monastery to pray in a very different fashion than when alone or at a parish mass. At first it is a stretch, but day by day I grow into it. The words are not all that logical in their patterns. Some seem archaic, and they are. They are from Latin prayers. I am praying to God in a certain pattern that is supposed to open me to being moved by how they are chanted and in what tone. God already knows what I need. Our monastery prayer is not "chat time" with God. I can do that alone.

All the monks buy in to this prayer. Everyone chants together. This is what makes the process work. If one monk leads the prayer but everyone else stands there mute and disliking the process, it won' t work. There are a bunch of conspiracy theories about why the Church changed the mass. Who knows? I simply give the reason why I buy in.

Hugo

2011-11-25T20:19:00.002-07:00

Go see the movie "Hugo" in 3D. It is wonderful. Each of us is necessary. Each of us has a purpose. Grace is at work to help us find our purpose even when many things seem to be working against us. God is a grace in my life, who has made me with no unneeded parts. All of me has a purpose as I am now. If I am open, I will be shown my purpose. Maybe I am supposed to fix someone or some situation? Go see "Hugo."

Being Thankful

2011-11-24T21:45:00.002-07:00

Today is a day to focus on being Thankful. It is a good day for gratitude. All was going well until I found out that my great clothing buy yesterday was trumped by an even lower price on Black Friday. The problem is not price, but rather greed and control. I have greed, but not control. As long as I need these things to be satisfied, I will never be in a place of gratitude or thankfulness.

The good news is that God points this out to me. We have a laugh. I hope God is laughing and not keeping track of my ongoing shortcomings. So now I am thankful that my faults do not ruin the day for those around me. We enjoyed a wonderful family dinner. I made delicious gravy. Turkey without gravy, now that would make for a bad day! If I wait for everything to go my way before I say "Thank You God" I will never say thank you. A life with no gratitude is pretty miserable. Are you grateful today? If you got the really best Black Friday deals, I hope it was a Christmas present for me!

Red Wednesday

2011-11-23T22:20:00.002-07:00

The department stores made no money from my purchases today. There were great sales. I saw some clothes and said, " This is so cheap, I can't NOT buy it." Every great while I go to these chain clothing stores and they are practically giving it away. Today is that lucky day for me. Who needs Black Friday? But I need to have hope and a willingness to go to my mall.

Is this not what prayer is all about? Every day God is ready to give me a great deal. I get love for free. All I need to do is show up. Take time out to pray and I may experience this love, presence, companionship. If I had spent as much time at prayer as I did at Century City Mall in LA today, I could have bought heaven! For free. The Kingdom is in my midst. I don't even have to travel freeways to get there.

Airplane Community

2011-11-22T18:32:00.002-07:00

I am going to LA to have Thanksgiving with my sister and her family. Southwest Airlines you choose your seat when you get on the plane. I chose a seat by the window,but had to climb over an elderly woman who sat on the aisle. There was a middle seat between us. She began to mutter to herself. She fumbled with the seat belt. The belt was winning. She got into a coughing fit. She complained to a fellow passenger that her "hat" had been mussed by that passenger. She wanted water before we even left the ground. She grabbed for the peanut and pretzel tray as it passed by.

I made a judgment. It wasn't nice. Then I realized that she too is a child of God, loved by God. She is doing the best she can with what wits she has about her. I reached over and put on her overhead light that she could not reach. I prayed for her. We are fellow siblings of God our Father. When we got off the plane she stood, stooped a bit, in the jetway. There was no wheelchair waiting for her. When I got out of the jetway I told a Southwest attendant that an elderly woman in the jetway needed a wheelchair. The attendant thanked me and said she would attend to her.

With the right attitude we can be kind. Judgments help no one.

Creation

2011-11-20T19:10:00.002-07:00

Creation was something new for God, a first time event. Before creation, nothing could hurt God. God decided to birth the world and give it freedom. God became vulnerable. I have fee will. I can disobey. I can ignore God. Do my own thing. God will still love me. God became vulnerable by giving me birth.

When I was younger I was told that God could not be hurt. God did not suffer. God was not supposed to be the least affected by my bad behavior. How could God love me and not be vulnerable, hurt by my ignoring God? To love someone who has free will is to open yourself to being hurt. A parent knows this. Do we not call God Father? Or if you prefer, Mother? I tend to feel more sorry, contrite about offending God when I think that God is actually affected, becomes sad, has the God-heart pierced by my willfulness. When I think about God the Parent who gave me life and loves me, it is harder to be bad. Try it sometime.

Connected

2011-11-19T08:22:00.002-07:00

Last night I had dinner with old friends who I had not seen in several years. It was a wonderful and fulfilling time. But earlier in the day I was feeling tired and thought about the fact that I would not get to bed my usual time. it was raining out and I had to go to someone's house on a bus to then get a ride to where we were all meeting. Whining! Part of me, the insane part, just wanted to hunker down in my room and stay home. Thank God, I did not listen to that.

Is not prayer a visit with an old friend? At times, I say, "I am too tired. I am too busy." To ignore the invitation to be with my God is insane. Prayer does mean that I will not get to do everything that my head tells me to do. Prayer shortens the list of accomplishments completed each day. Where is prayer on your priority list?

Fantasy

2011-11-16T20:59:00.002-07:00

Fantasy is a commercial that interrupts our being present to the moment. It interrupts our real life. Real life is a process of becoming awakened to who we truly are in God's plan. God made me a unique image of God. My ego says I am unique, but that is not the same thing. A life run on ego will be full of fantasy, as well as resentment, whining, self-centeredness, and selfish willfulness. An awakened life will be Love, but with a cross. Awakened I am less selfish. I am concerned about the world beyond my plans. I am of service which might inconvenience me. So there is the cross when I love.

I think fantasy is ultimately the way of the cowardly and lazy person. It is so easy to let go to the imagination to set me free from the struggles's and the hard work of real life, of the process of transformation. Television reality shows feed fantasy. They are anything but reality for the viewer. Hollywood is the ultimate fantasy feeder. A little escape now and again can be refreshing. Just know that it is only a refreshment, not the main course.

The End

2011-11-16T11:41:00.002-07:00

On this date, 41 years ago, I was terminated from a company for whom I worked in San Francisco. I cried, begged for my job, and was frightened of being unemployed, alone in San Francisco with no family. The first thing I did was go out of the office with my belongings and tell my friends that I had quit. I could not admit to my mess.

It was the beginning of the end for me in corporate business. Within the next two years, past one more job, that I really did quit, I joined the Paulist Fathers and am still a Paulist priest. I write this from San Francisco, from the Church I used to attend when a corporate working bachelor. Such a good thing came out of what seemed like such a bad thing for me.

God showed me only bits and pieces of the journey as it unfolded. Now, when my life looks like it may not be working out so well, I trust that I am only seeing a piece of a larger picture. Be in a fit spiritual condition on a daily basis, and I will be able to live in the present without the fear and anxiety or loneliness that used to plague me when I was "lost."

Be Veronica

2011-11-15T06:05:00.000-07:00

When Jesus was carrying his cross to Calvary, he met a woman named Veronica. She wiped his sweaty, dirty face with a cloth or veil. Then he went on. A brief moment, a small gesture, and no words. But the encounter is still remembered today. We can be Veronicas. Do a small gesture of comfort for someone who is having a tough time. Veronica had a veil, so she use it to do something practical, but also expressive of her compassion. I could take the hand of an elderly, lonely person, and smile. There is never too little time for small gestures. I can put a piece of chocolate on the desk of the Administratrix at the parish office. We all want to know someone cares and we are not doing the moment in isolation.

Somehow, texting doesn't qualify. Think of Veronica, sitting in her coffee shop on the Via Dolorosa. She sees Jesus passing by with his cross. Rather than get up and go out to him, lose her table space, or stop whatever she is doing with gadgets, she sends him a text, "Thinking of you. Sorry you are having a bad day." Spare me.

Shopping

2011-11-14T04:35:00.000-07:00

What if you saw ads that said, "Drink, Drink, Drink, Alcohol!" You might think this a bit strange or even dangerous. We know that alcohol can be an addiction. It must be done in moderation and for some people, not at all. Well, "Black Friday" is coming. Stores hope to go into the black or profit side for the year, beginning with the Friday after Thanksgiving. Spending is encouraged. You have no money? Buy on credit and pay later. If you don't spend on gifts for you or others, than what will happen to our economy?

Our economy is based upon addiction. First, we want you to feel uncomfortable. Either you don't have something or you don't have enough of something. Or you can win love or avoid disapproval, by buying someone else something even if they do not need it. Shop and buy in order to chase away the discomfort.

Christmas is no longer a time for Jesus. It is a time for addictive behavior. People who don't even believe in Jesus get into the addictive shopping. We train our children in greed and self-implosion, if not in a false way of finding happiness. We buy them lots of stuff they don't really need. Maybe we need "Shoppers Anonymous" meetings with 12 steps. Of course most people don't feel they are out of control...not until the bills come in. January is always a good time for recovery.

Oh, don't forget Fr. Ryan at Christmas! I guess I need to work on hypocrisy.

HOMILY Mt. 25: 14-30

2011-11-13T18:10:00.002-07:00

We all have talents. I don't have all the talents of another person and in some cases, I share a talent, but not to the same degree as another person. I am baptized. I received 12 fruits and 7 gifts of the Holy Spirit. Every baptized person gets them. So we all get fortitude, but I may have more fortitude than another person because that is God's plan for me. I will need lots of fortitude to be all that God made me to be. Someone else does not need so much fortitude, but they may need more prudence.

Let us not compare and contrast ourselves with another person. Some of us are better at math than others. They may have a call to be a scientist. I do not have that call. My job is to use the gifts I have to the best of my ability. To live life in some minimal way, or out of fear, is to do ourselves much damage. In the gospel, the fellow who got the one talent, he was paralyzed by fear, so he buried the money.

When I ask, "What is the least I need to get by?" I am going down the road of sloth and maybe immorality. In business, a person may ask the legal department what can they do to satisfy their own greed, and self-centeredness, yet stay within the law. This is immoral but it may be legal. As a baptized person, I am gifted to do the "right thing," which comes out of my sense of oneness with all other people. This is called the way of the cross.

Religion as morality

2011-11-12T13:32:00.002-07:00

The students at Penn State who rallied in favor of their coach being reinstated might be based upon the thinking of many that all we need to do is what is legally correct or necessary. There is no moral high ground here. "What is the moral thing to do," is not their issue. These students will go on to work in business and industry. Will they think only of what their legal responsibilities are? Their morality is "Don't break the secular law." This is what happens when we dump religion as an ethical system. Jesus challenges us to live the moral high ground and not to simply do whatever the secular law permits. We do things we don't have to do, that might even cost us. That is why we bless ourselves. We must remember the cross.

Me-ism

2011-11-11T07:36:00.002-07:00

If I wake up and immediately begin thinking about me, this is usually not good. Why? Self-acceptance does not usually come with first thoughts about me. Self-acceptance dampens fear, anxiety, worry, whining, and self-pity. So If this is the plate I have, I push it away and do two other things. One, I think about what I have when I wake up. There is a God who loves me. I have faith, some health, a place to sleep and eat. I have work. Somebody likes me. I begin now to have gratitude. So, two, I think of how I can be useful this day. What can I do for others? With the gratitude that I have, I do not now see service as a burden, in which I would feel resentful or sorry for myself. I am not burdened with the early morning mass, rather I have the opportunity to say mass.

Then there is always coffee!

The New Religion

2011-11-09T17:55:00.002-07:00

Football has replaced the Catholic Church as the new religion. Penn State messed up on child sex abuse. Lets see what happens. When the Catholic church messes up, the judge says the church can be sued for a priest's mess. The lawyers go after the Church for money. Priests are immediately taken out of their jobs.

Now look at Penn State. A lawyer passes a state bar exam. His/her license is to practice in that state. What lawyer, who would like to continue to work in PA, would sue the flagship university? How many friends and business contacts would a person keep who was known to have successfully sued and thereby taken lots of $$$ from Penn State and its football program? Students are rallying around the coach. Anyone rallying around a bishop?

Football is revered. The stadium is the new cathedral and services are on Saturdays. You eat and drink a lot. Community is celebrated as the athletes and coaches are the gods before whom they bow. Don't mess with their religion. There will be a measured response to safeguard the "program" of winning football games and gathering the $$$.

Tell me it is a level playing field, the Church and Penn State or whatever other secular god you happen to find. It is not a level playing field. The Church is scorned. Penn State football is beloved. Watch this play out. Oh, and lets hope this is an isolated situation and no other football program anywhere in the country is right now shaking in its cleats.

A nearby gem

2011-11-08T04:36:00.000-07:00

I went out to dinner tonight with some friends. They live in the suburbs. They came downtown to my neighborhood in San Francisco to take me out to eat. They found a wonderful restaurant, French, in an alley two blocks from where I live. I do not recall ever seeing the alley much less the restaurant. It was a wonderful dinner in a very nice setting.

Why did I not know about this place so close to where I live? I get set in my routines, my normalcy, the walk routes that I take, the places I go. I become blind to the "New" right under my nose. Something is always there in front of me, but I cannot see it, because I am not looking, or open to it.

Has your spiritual life become so institutionalized, so routine, that you no longer can see what is right in front of you? When religion is young, fresh, new, it is open, questioning and searching. Then it becomes institutionalized. It does not question. It answers. It is not open. It is closed in upon itself. It does not search. It has found...security, power, control.

Bemused

2011-11-07T21:25:00.002-07:00

So I read where in one country with a lot of people, mostly Catholic, the Church leaders say that the reason for poverty is not overpopulation, but mismanagement and bad government. This implies to me, that this government cannot help these many people, but that if the government were better managed, then there would be plenty of work, housing, income, education for all the people.

Does anyone expect a bad government to get better? If the government stays the same, and continues to do the same inefficient job for the vast population of people, then what might have to change to deal with poverty? Lots of people already leave that country to go get a better life elsewhere. That still leaves a lot of people. There might be another solution here, but I doubt that the church wants to go there.

Inventory

2011-11-06T04:54:00.002-07:00

I love this saying, "We must try to make it easier for people to love us." Some people will try to please others, so as to get love. This is desperate manipulation. Some are co-dependent, enablers.

I try to take an inventory of my behavior at the end of the day. I have a list of well-ingrained faults that I review. I see where I keep falling down. It can bring some humility and my sense of need for Grace. In the morning I ask for the Grace to not fall into these faults or bad habits. At times, I catch myself during the day, in the midst of bad behavior or about to go down a familiar road of perdition. I often stop and note what is going on with me, but don't act out so badly if at all. When I behave better in the midst of others, then I am "making it easier for people to love me."

Spiritual Experience

2011-11-05T08:44:00.003-06:00

My sister and I were talking about why some of our friends who went to Catholic schools no longer believe in God. I don't mean that they dropped out of the Church, but that they actually don't believe in God as we were taught it. Why do I still believe might also be a question?

I think that in many cases bad things happen in a person's life, such as sickness, loss of child, job, lack of a love life, and so on. We were taught that God is loving and has power. So why did all this mess happen? It does not compute. Must be no God or at least not one that can help me. I wonder if these people who stop believing, have never had a vital spiritual experience of God such that they believe even when mess happens.

For me God became a relationship of person to person. It is a felt presence at many times. I am out of sorts if I go more than a couple of days without checking in for some quiet time together. The experience goes beyond a reasoned belief in God. Faith that is merely reasonable will fail us when bad things happen. There must be a deeper experience of being loved in spite of all that happens in our lives. Catholic school can only appeal to reason. They can take us to mass, but there is no guarantee that we will have a sufficient spiritual experience of Presence to carry us through the rough times.

An App For God-Talk

2011-11-04T05:20:00.000-06:00

I just read that there are apps for getting a date. No need to go to bars or singles events. Just punch into you smart phone where you are and what you want. For example, you are visiting a town where you have some work. You come out of the office and you would like to meet a single person to have a drink. Punch this into your smart phone, and back comes names of people nearby who are wanting to do the same thing at that moment. I think it is for a boy meets girl thing.

But what about an app for someone like me who finishes a day at the office or church, and wants to talk with someone about God, the spiritual life, the Catholic Church. Would it not be nice to put this info into my smart phone, if I had a smart phone, and then someone might be nearby and ready for such a conversation? God is always available for conversation. It is called prayer. There are some requirements. One, I have to let go of the God I want, and be open to the God who shows up. Two, I have to be able to listen. Some people say that their God just loves to listen to them, even when they complain, whine, and plead. That is not the God that shows up in my life. How about you? Have you pre-programed your God? Bet it is not much of a date.

Purgatory

2011-11-03T18:11:00.003-06:00

I have an image of what purgatory is all about for me. I am the petulant child that wants things my way. I get into all kinds of messes due to selfishness, fear, control issues, resentments at how things don't go my way, and addictive behavior in the above or other areas.

Jesus comes along with the soap and water, maybe some very strong soap. He rolls up his sleeves. I don't want a bath. I resist what is good for me. Jesus wants to wash all this mess off of and out of me. Baptism was the first attempt. Then confirmation and then the rest of the sacraments including my ordination to the priesthood. But I die with lots of mess and don't even know better that I need to be bathed again. Jesus gets into the tub with me and gets all wet too, just to clean me up. Eventually, I see that being clean is the better way. After I am all cleaned up, Jesus presents me to the Father. The soap and water is the Holy Spirit.

Would it not be nicer if I could get cleaned up in this life? It is called transformation. Need a bath in the Spirit?

The New Translation

2011-11-02T05:37:00.000-06:00

I just finished reading a spin on how wonderful the new prayer translations are. I don't necessarily understand the prayers, but at least I know why they are written the way they are written. My question is: "How does all this help evangelization or renewal? Will it keep teens in the church?"

I don't get the sense that this is a focus of the translation changes. It has the feel that some people in the hierarchy have given up on renewing those on the edges, and decided to make the prayers agreeable to a certain nostalgic group. It may not be a church for everyone, but it sure will be a church for the few. If it were not for the Latinos coming into the country, we would be aware of a big drop off of English mass attendance. The few will celebrate. The many will scratch their heads if they show up at all.

My Burden

2011-11-01T17:29:00.002-06:00

At times, I am made aware of my most grievous faults. I feel a sense of shame and guilt. This awareness usually comes when I am doing some spiritual reading. I suddenly realize how precious and loving Jesus is. I had been ignoring him, or committing the fault upon which the writer is focused. I am ashamed at how thankless and thoughtless I am.

It all seems like such a burden that weighs me down at that moment. Cannot someone come and lift this burden from me and carry it on their shoulders? Oh, wait. Someone did that. The place was Calvary. Love the one on the Cross and stop focusing on my wretchedness. Well, this is turning out to be a pretty good day.

Some Things Don't Change

2011-10-30T20:47:00.002-06:00

My sister and I were talking about all the expenses we have now that we did not have in the past. There are cell phone expenses, cable TV expenses, owning all these electronic gadgets, and so on.

Yes, in some ways life has gotten a lot more intricate. So I take some consolation that God has not changed and my soul still hungers for God. The cost in $$$ is nothing. The cost in ego, false-pride, discipline, patience, and surrender are still the same. Not so funny, I have learned all the new ways of electronic gadgets, but I am still pretty hard-headed and obtuse about what is due God in the spiritual life. How much time do you spend connecting with God versus connecting with "The Cloud."

The Reign

2011-10-29T08:36:00.002-06:00

We often hear that Jesus died to satisfy The Father for the affront of Adam's sin, that only a God could make restitution to A God for such human disobedience. I think we miss something here. There is a war between Satan, the great deceived, and God. Satan won an early round in Paradise with Adam and Eve. Satan rules over the Kingdom of Death. This Kingdom was a wedge between God and all who died. The dead did not have the complete happiness that God had planned. They were not miserable, just incomplete.

Doesn't God have complete power? Yes, but wait. God had plans for Satan. Time goes on and Satan is doing well, seems to have won out over Creation's plan. Then God offers to Satan what is most precious to God, the Creative Self Reflection of Love. The deal is that Satan has to let go of all the dead now and in the future. Satan agrees, but Satan is the Great Liar and has no plan to let anyone go. Satan believes that God has lost power since death has reigned so long. Plus now the Trinity will be broken up and "The Son" will be under Satan's power through the cruel crucifixion.

People reject Jesus. Satan is so happy. The crucifixion gives him even more joy. He never saw it coming. The Resurrection was a complete surprise. He had become cocky and let his guard down. God had set him up. Why? God wanted Satan to become shockingly confronted with his own powerlessness and pitiful state. Now Satan will never forget: God is a force that can not be defeated. Death no longer separates us from the Paradise God has prepared for us. Death only lightens the load on the journey.

Do you sometimes drift into Satan's thinking and acting? Do you not do bad things, become selfish and unkind in thought or action? Do you not at times wonder where God is or why God does not do something and fix up the world as you think it needs fixing? Maybe there is a bigger plan and you just did not get the memo.

Check In

2011-10-28T17:51:00.002-06:00

I think that I am supposed to be the presenter at a Day of Prayer at a nearby retreat center. It has been many months since I heard from the person who set this up. Am I still on the program? I am in the dark, plus I do not have a car and need someone from the retreat center to pick me up at the ferry or bus terminal. So today I called the retreat center and left a message.

When I wonder if I have lost contact with God, a good first step is to check in. Give God a call. It is prayer. It is a good way to make sure it is not me that has been out of touch. I have days where I say, "Gee, I don't feel the sense of God in my life today." Then I realize that I have not checked in, but for a brief "hello" when I woke up. Sometimes my sense that my spiritual life is dry or dark, is really the wrong adjective. It is more "absent" and the person who is away is me!

Wisdom Uncreated

2011-10-27T08:36:00.002-06:00

Whenever a scientist or engineer comes up with a new insight, this is God revealing something of God's creative Wisdom, though God does not show up in the credits of the insight or invention.New understandings and insights are ongoing revelation from God's cosmos. God is so all Loving that one need not be a believer for God to choose that person for a "discovery" of something, or a new way of seeing. We know that it is good if the discovery benefits humanity.

What we do with these discoveries will reveal our cooperation with Grace, or not. Fusion of the nucleus is a discovery. It is a scientific revelation, but it is of God's original creation, only recently discovered. The Incarnation was part of the original plan. In time it happened, became visible, at least to some. If I am open and searching, not closed up as in "I know it all" I will have more revealed about the Word made Flesh. The scientist and I are both seekers. God is revealing Truth to both of us.

Mustard Seed

2011-10-26T06:00:00.001-06:00

A mustard seed is pretty small. It could easily go quite unnoticed. The best it can do is grow into a bush. Even if it is a big bush relative to the size of the seed, it will never be a tree. But the birds would nest in the bush, or so says Jesus. That is the Kingdom of God. Birds will nest in bushes instead of trees. Why? I suspect that size and stature matter little in the kingdom. Looks are not everything!

The birds seek the bush because there is something about the bush that attracts them to nest. Maybe if I let the seed of God build me up, I won't become a big deal in the eyes of those who look for appearances, but there might be something about me that animals will trust. Wasn't that what St. Francis of Assisi was all about? He did not look like much but there was something about him. He had the seed of the Kingdom. Are you posing and checking yourself out in the mirror? Or looking into your soul?

Homily

2011-10-25T06:13:00.000-06:00

HOMILY NOTES
FR. TERRY RYAN, CSP
MATTHEW 22: 34-40
OCTOBER 23, 2011

When I was a little boy and we got our first television set, a 13" screen, my favorite show was "The Lone Ranger" which was on for a half hour at 7:30 PM Thursdays. Mom would let me stay up past my bedtime and watch it. I focused on that show. Nothing else mattered for that half hour.

I ask myself now why is not God as interesting as "The Lone Ranger" was then, for me? I think it is because we have lost the sense of Mystery about God, the sense of awe in the Presence. We think that we know God. We have our catechism and our creed that seems to box God into definitions. We even box God into a place, in the Tabernacle where the consecrated hosts are kept. God has a place in our life, but not much of a focused place that has lots of interest. God has become too familiar

People seem more interested in my five finger shoes and what I say about them, then in what I say about God. The shoes have a sense of mystery and newness about them. People don't know about these shoes. They know about God, so they think.

When someone says that they have "fallen in love," they want to devote all their attention to the object of their love. Interest is at a peek. The same person might say, "I love you Mom/Dad," but the interest to spend time with the parent is not so acute. Parents become boring or an embarrassment to children at some point. There is a familiarity that dulls interest. Maybe we have made God too familiar?

I go out at night or before dawn and look up at the sky and recognize the cosmos, the universe that God created. It is all so vast, and yet this same God has created little me and thinks about me all the time. This same God would and did die for me. I may know God only a little, but I can experience Divine Love when I recover the Mystery and awe of the Creator. Each of us has to find some way to do this on daily basis. Otherwise, we will miss out on Transforming Love. No catechism or dogma, on their own, can give us this.

Fear

2011-10-24T16:36:00.002-06:00

Fear sleeps when I am working at my interior life, my God connection. Fear does not go away though I feel no fear. It sleeps. I can awaken it. It does not awaken itself. Stop my spiritual practice, ignore God, and fear wakes. Awake, it is crafty. It comes forth in disguise so that I am unaware of it, and it can wreck more havoc for a longer period of time. What are some disguises,you ask?

I don't have enough of something. I need more.
You have too much and I have too little. I will figure a way to get some of what you have.
I am so envious. She has a better house, car, husband, behaved kids. I hate her!
I may lose my job. I will be living on the streets. I am powerless in this economy.
I am too ugly to ever have a mate.
My partner is just not good looking enough for me.
If I just work out more I will be able to be better than anyone else in my group.
If I don't have a really good sermon people won't like me.
If I say no, people won't like me.
I am a better priest than he is. Why does he get all the attention?
If I tell you what I really think, you won't like me.
If I tell you my secrets you will abandon me, think less of me.
I don't want to talk about feelings. It makes me uncomfortable. Let's just gossip and judge others.

Set Free

2011-10-24T09:41:00.002-06:00

I was reading The Book of Wisdom, chapter 2. The unjust are planning to put the just man to torture and even death to see if "The Father" will come to spare him. The chapter goes on to say that God planned for us to be imperishable, but we messed up and now have death. Jesus is the just man. He has to experience the suffering and death at the hands of unjust people to defeat the perishable and restore "The Father's" plan.

So too us. We have to experience something as Christ's body to defeat it. The woman who suffered from arthritis, and could not stand erect, was touched by Jesus on the Sabbath. This is in Luke, chapter 13:10-17. Her suffering experience is healed. The Sabbath is the day that death, experienced by Jesus is healed. The defeat of a misery cannot come until we have first experienced it. Cancer is defeated with death. It is the ultimate cure. And then death is defeated, after we experience it, by being united to Christ.

Where this makes sense on a daily basis of psychological pain is in something like loneliness. We have to experience it before we can have it removed. Like Jesus upon the cross, this inner pain must be crucified so that with Grace, Christ union, we might even say, "Your will be done," and "Into your hands I commend my spirit." It is in suffering that we are transformed. In joy we generally forget about God, or say a passing prayer of thanks.

So maybe the miseries of our life have some purpose? Maybe God is in the suffering and has not abandoned me?

Shoes Again

2011-10-23T21:29:00.002-06:00

I presided and preached at a Church near San Francisco this weekend. I wore my yellow five finger shoes. People were really interested in the shoes and wanted to know all about them, where to buy them, why I liked them. I preached. They were not as excited about God. They did not want to know what I thought about God. My shoes inspired them to take action as relates to footwear. No action as it relates to God. Where did I go wrong? I can sell shoes, but not God. I can make shoes interesting much easier than I can make God interesting.

Where is the Mystery?

2011-10-21T22:18:00.002-06:00

When we explain God, define God, encase God in the Catechism with it's precise answers, do we not lose the sense of Mystery? God is a mystery. No word or thought or image can hold or confine the Mystery. I don't get much sense of awe when reading the catechism. It might put my questioning mind at rest, but I would still be restless in my soul. Awe is what holds and attracts me. I don't need answers. Love is profound mystery. I know when Love embraces me. This is all the knowing I need.

Web site and blog

2011-10-20T22:21:00.002-06:00

My moribund web site is getting changed/retuned and a face lift. Now I seem to be able to go from web page to blog easily. I sense this is all good, though it is new and strange for now. I need faith, trust in the process, hope that all will be well, and practice. Is this not what the deepening relationship with God is? The familiar is not all there can be. The relationship then changes and I am lost for a while. But I keep at the changing way I pray. Have faith, hope, trust, and work at it.

The Light

2011-10-19T08:30:00.002-06:00

I saw a wonderful sunrise yesterday. We are far enough south of San Francisco to be beyond the fog belt. Poor foggy San Francisco. This morning I got up to go ouside to watch the beautiful sunrise again. Fog! An outrage. My plans foiled by All these clouds. No beautiful
Sunrise. Then I realized that the Light that still rises in life each morning without fail is God. So I sat outside and welcomed the Light. My plans might fail, but God does not fail.