As You Can

 Pray as you can, not as you want.  You read a book by a monk about monks praying and you are attracted to that way of prayer.  But you are not a monk.  They have no spouse, mortgage, child, commute.  You are a jogger who reads about the training of a champion runner, maybe an Olympian.  You want to train like that, but you have not that time, or maybe talent.  So do what you can.  Pray as you can.  You may have a realistic plan, but that is interrupted by family illness or sudden events outside your control, to which you must attend.  I have come to know the difference between being lazy as opposed to being delusional.  

Ocean

As I write this I am in Florida near the Atlantic Ocean.  I watch people jump into the water and splash around from my window in an apartment at the beach.  I see the vast ocean and these tiny people in relation to it.  They are having fun.  The spiritual life is coming to the realization of our right size, not overblown falsely by ego and not diminished by shame and guilt or condemnation from others.  Recovery is about becoming right-sized.  You once saw yourself with your overblown big deal ego and then arrive at the door feeling like you are a nothing loser.  You recover your right size.  I have been in a small pool so far.  The ocean awaits!  Yikes.  

Matins

 Some prayers are meant to be prayed in the pre-dawn darkness or at least before you “begin” your active day.  Why?  Darkness precedes light in the creation account.  In the beginning is chaos, darkness, but a darkness that listens.  Then “Let there be Light” and the chaos is transformed into light.  So if we don’t want our day to be one of chaos then it is important to begin with prayer.  And let the prayer begin with listening in the darkness.  God awaits our attention.  Be still.  Be quiet.  Listen with the heart.  Allow your God to be Lover and not your fixer or rescuer from problems.  Not at this moment.  After this stillness, then some set prayers, psalms for instance, scriptures, spiritual readings, and then meditation.  Then let the day begin.  

The Timer Buzz

 I can set a timer on my watch.  It simply buzzes for a moment that is timed.  I can do this for during the daytime when I am about this and that.  The timer is to remind me to pray, or at least recognize that I need daytime prayers.  I am not all about work and tasks.  I am not all about being important or needed.  I am also about love, the heart.  So I pause as soon as I can after the buzz, and be still, listen.  Then I have prayers on my cell phone I can say, recite, like psalms, scriptures, thought for the day, and so on.  This can keep me grounded and centered.  It minimizes my insanity.

George

 George comes into the usual social gathering where everyone seems to be having a drink and snacking.  George looks the same as when you saw him a month or more ago.  His hair is uncombed, he looks physically out of shape, and still has no sense of fashion when it comes to clothes.  Though he appears the same on the outside, something seems different about George.  He is not having a drink.  He seems more relaxed, less noisy.  He is making eye contact, instead of being evasive.  Outside the same.  Insides changing.  This is recovery.  It is a bit like baptism.  The baby look and acts the same, but is different on the inside, for believers.  The round host at a Catholic mass looks the same before and after consecration, but it is different.  So work on the insides.  Who knows!  You may eventually realize that brown does not go with blue.  Or does it?  

Could And Should

 A “could” person is one who has a way of seeing from a heart that is fed in deep prayer.  This person knows what they can do and what they cannot do.  They do not act out of shame and guilt.  They have no neurotic self-need to stay busy.  One who prays deeply cannot stay busy in the exterior life.  The “should” person lives a more shallow spiritual life, if any at all.  Their energy to act, and the petulance that usually accompanies action, comes from shame and guilt.  They want to make themself feel better.  When I get upset, whiny, or resentful while doing good deeds, I know I have flipped from could to should.  It is always about me and not much about others.  

Never Enough

 Are you distracted or preoccupied about saving the world around you, if not the whole world?  Your distraction might be more about being needed, than saving the world.  If so, then you might be diagnosed with “never enoughness.”  Many people find the solution to never enoughness by being busy all the time fixing what they think needs it.  Not that things and situations don’t need fixing, but the motive is important.  Why?  Because sooner or later the fixer will need fixing.  One needs a spiritual practice, time away from it all, in some quiet reflexive state.  One needs to listen to the heart.  And the heart listens to a power that is not you.  What will you discover while the world falls apart without you fixing it at the moment?  You will find you are enough.  Then what?  Then you will know a pace and manner of service in the world.