More Life

 We come to the end of another year.  You are still here.  Do you want a longer life or do you want more life?  There is a difference.  There are persons who may live quite a longer life than I will, but it might be filled with judgments, anger, resentments, divisiveness due to personality and so on.  “More” life, on the other hand, is to be present to the moment and what is in the moment, be it persons, things, or events.  We can be present or absent to the moment.  How do you want to live?  Prayer is being attentive to the moment, even to the Presence of the Divine.  Prayer is not getting someone else’s attention.  It is to get you to pay attention.  I hope 2024 is a time of more life in the moment that is given to me as gift.  Happy New Year!

Good For What?

 Don’t just be good.  Be good for something.  Henry David Thoreau said that.  I remember wanting to be good.  It was while I was bad.  I knew what it was to be bad.  I had lots of experience and events in my story of bad behavior.  I really did not know what it was to be good.  I thought it was just not being bad.  Stop doing bad things and voila! I would be good.  But I came across an old geezer, when I was not yet an old geezer, and though he did not strike me as a Thoreau reader, suggested I do something that was not part of my bad past.  Like what? Thinking he was going to suggest something above my pay scale, he suggested I stack the chairs.  And that was the beginning, for me, of becoming good for something.  I am almost at the end of another year of being good for something.  It keeps the bad in the past.  

My Fictional Life

 I like recovery rooms because I tend to see a person, and not a fictional character in the the drama of my own life.  If I see someone well dressed, I don’t think, “Oh, that person is rich.  Had all the advantages of life.  I bet they drank great stuff while I drank Ripple Wine.  I doubt they know the suffering I knew.  I don’t like that person.”  Or I see someone dressed in shabby clothes, unwashed.  I don’t say, “What a bum. Probably lives in some messy outdoor place.  Glad I never got that bad.”  Unless I can see the real person, look in their face and see them as sharing our life together, then any story I write of myself will be fiction.  Fiction is opinion, judgment, resentment, while love is from the heart.  Recovery is a heart journey. 

Loving God

The Bible says to love God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength.  Well, which God do you love?  The one you make up? Many of us want a god who agrees with us. That is, agrees with our views, prejudices and opinions.  If I don’t like certain people, then neither can my god like them.  This can be the cause so much religious and ethnic conflict.  It can become political too.  For you to believe in your god, it must agree with you.  Your god has to carry out all your religious rules.  My God lives beyond my narrow world.  But until I can love the person who is”other” I don’t think I can love the real God who is beyond my narrow comprehension.  

Retirement

 Sobriety is like retirement.  One retires from a career in drinking.  For an alcoholic, the career had a beginning and an ending.  It stays ended as long as one remains in retirement.  One goes to retirement meetings and enjoys retirement with others like them.  One can retire from the drinking career at any age and in any health, or financial situation.  Retirement here requires no money.  Each day one gets the choice to have a happy, productive life, or to go back to the work of drinking.  And it was work, many hours, with brief joy, followed by long periods of misery.  One is chained to the job of drinking, unless they retire.  Each day, say, “I am retired.”  Then work at it just like you worked at drinking.  Happy New Year coming soon.!

Driving In the Dark

 In San Francisco, I run in the dark, at 5:00 AM before the traffic and pollution build up.  I wear a beacon light shining from my hat or cap, so that cars can see me as I run against the flow of traffic.  There are few cars on the city streets at this time.  But the ones out there are in a big hurry.  If they can find an open roadway with no traffic lights, the cars will go 60 miles an hour, in a city street zone.  And on quiet side streets, stop lights are optional for stopping on red.  I run defensively.  There are more bike lanes than there used to be and I can run against the flow of bike traffic so I see the bike coming and get out of their way.  Sidewalk running is for those who want knee and hip surgery later in life.  Cement and concrete is no good for running.  Blacktop streets are better.  Darkness has challenges in running and in prayer.  I learn by practice.  

Merry Christmas

 One thing most of us have in common on this day is that we don’t go to work.  Since many restaurants are closed on this day, the cooks, servers, cleaners, are all off too.  I remember that one time, in my unemployable days, I did get a Christmas night job, cleaning the floors of a restaurant.  And the owner was in a bad mood.  I could not do much right for her.  But now, many years later, I can celebrate gratitude.  I have found serenity, peace and freedom from profound loneliness.  God indeed has come into my world in a miraculous way.  Merry Christmas.  

Partiipate

This being Christmas Eve some of you might have a bit of the blahs instead of anticipation of good things to come.  Maybe you are feeling a bit alone? Separate? Even unique and different from all those celebrating people?  There is a way to get a bit more upbeat, less lonely, less judgmental of others.  Participate as in being of service.  Do some good things for others.  I know addicts, who are desperately trying not to ingest their addictive stuff on this day.  They participate, even help out, in some group event or just help one other person in selfless ways.  It seems to work for them.  So maybe it can work for everyone who is a bit out of sorts on this day, evening.  Oh, and God loves you, even if you don't believe in one.   

Creche

 The Christmas Crèche is a way to give children the beginnings of an experience of the Divine that also teaches some history and dogma.  It is very important that “believers” have the experience of something about God that touches them in the heart.  Dogma alone, history alone, won’t do this.  In the crèche scene we can talk about and have the experience of the humility, the unconditional love of God, a manner in which God seeks non-dual relationship with us by surrendering power to become one of us.  The figurines, the scenery can become memorable.  When we grow up, if our practice, our faith grows lukewarm, the Christmas Crèche can recall that childhood experience that might light a bit of fire in our heart.  Public places want to be rid of all symbols of religion, but it is precisely symbols that move us.  

Spasms

We all have spasms of selfishness, resentment and fear.  It happens.  Pause when it happens.  My morning prayer gives me the insight to pause.  Maybe someone or something is at fault.  Life is imperfect out there.  But a pause allows me to refrain from a very damaging response or action on my part.  Hurt feelings are very powerful.  The ego is never really fully satisfied.  A pause allows me to ask what is going on with me that I have this emotional upheaval or response trigger?  Am I being judgmental?  Why?  I can really only work on me and that is enough of a daily job in this world.  Emotional spasms can be like muscle spasms.  Pause. Wait.  Don’t make it worse by overreacting.  Maybe even say a prayer while you are waiting.  

Bathing

 We readily take a shower or a bath to cleanse the body.  But this is not all that needs a wash.  What about our mind, thoughts, judgments, resentments, prejudices, and fears?  Do we not need to cleanse our insides of all this and more?  “Stinking Thinking,” is one phrase that comes to mind.  So I try to bathe daily in prayer and meditation, to let go of whatever is clinging to my spirit, so that I might be more presentable to the world I will encounter each day.  

Prayers Chores

 Periodically, about once a month, I am in charge of sweeping and wet mopping the kitchen in the monastery.  I do it for a week.   It is a sizable kitchen as it is in a monastery.  Now I can complain about having to do this menial job, and how the monks make more mess than is necessary, and so on.  Whine or what?  How about prayer while I mop?  I find it releases me of the burden of self.  I become tranquil and at peace with myself and others as I do this task.  And the kitchen looks the better for it.  And so do I in my demeanor.  

The Polish

The pearl of wisdom is polished with experience.  I can read about wisdom, but until I practice it, Wisdom remains on the page and not in my actions, attitude and relationships with the world.  Many people read the 12 Steps, the Bible, Koran, Tao, and it just remains words on a page, brilliant words, but until you try them, fail, mediocre, pretty good, or however well you act, they will just be words of wisdom on a page.  I try to focus on one wisdom at a time rather than 10 or 12 or whatever.  Lists overwhelm me, so I break it down into something more doable.  Trudge.  

Forgotten Forgiveness

Many people say “The Lord’s Prayer,” for one reason or another.  They ask that they might forgive others and be forgiven themselves by the God to whom this prayer is addressed.  But the one person they forget to forgive is themselves.  People in Recovery, for instance, need to forgive themselves for the crazy life actions they took in the past.  And some they still do in the present.  Character defects diminish but don’t disappear altogether.  Keeps one humble.  In the morning I try to forgive myself for yesterday and then get on with the day.  Hope is central here.  At night, when I am tired, the forgiveness thing just does not have much of an impress on me, but after a night’s rest, I am more clear-headed and can forgive and let go.  I used to pray for perfection but eventually I bottomed out to pray for survival.  Now I do the forgiveness prayer for me too.  Trudging.  

Galaxy Of Stars

 I look up at the galaxy of stars, beacons of light in the night sky.  A wonderful sight at 8,000 feet altitude.  It reminds me of a group of friends, a “galaxy of failures,” misfits, who now shine their light in the darkness that is also part of their life.  We all have a little darkness, but some of us have it as addiction.  The addiction is the spiritual blindness that thinks the darkness is light.  But with the power of the universe at work in us and with one another, we together become a galaxy of light in the darkness of life.  I look up at the stars and see friends, some alive on this earth, and some, well, up there, giving me hope as I move through life.  

Just Enough

 How much or little do we need to love ourself?  I need to love myself enough to ask for outside help when in a turmoil.  Love myself with enough humility to admit that I am worth a solution to my present predicament and I am clueless at the moment what that solution is.  But I trust I am not alone though I may feel frightening alone.  This is the bottom line love of myself.  It is needed when I feel at the bottom of whatever mess I am in.  In prayer I seek to love myself in turmoil, fear, loneliness, and resentment.  Oh and in self-pity too.  It is easy to love me when things are going well.  I forget it was not all my doing that things are going well.  I take too much credit in the good times, but have too little power of my own in the bad times.  So I love myself to ask for help and be in gratitude.  

Like And Love

 I don’t have to like someone in order to love them, or act lovingly toward them.  Some people are unlikeable because they are lonely or overcome with shortcomings.  This does not make them terrible people or bad people.  It just makes them unattractive.  I might tend to leave them be in their misery and negativity.  But I want to become a better person and so I try to act lovingly toward them.  How?  Pay them some attention.  Ask them how they are doing at the moment and then be patient and listen.  Give them time, my oh so precious time that I used to use up in crazy stuff.  

The Enemy

 Why this “Love your enemy,” that crops up in spiritual paths?  One reason is that you love the enemy with no expectation of return.  Your ego drops out of this kind of love.  Many of us love to get something.  The ego does not like one sided love unless the ego is on the getting side and not the giving side.  You can develop a depth of compassion when you love without any expectation of return.  Unlike loving a selfish child who you hope will grow up to become a good person, given your parental example, you love your enemy who may remain your enemy.  Jesus hung upon the cross and said, “Father, forgive them.”  He died and they did not change.  

Live It

 Maybe a religion or any spiritual path needs to be lived first before it can be understood.  Most people want to understand something, like the content of a faith, before they will commit themselves to its practice.  Most people who drop out of religion may have had the faith as some propositions like a creed, but never really practiced it much beyond an occasional attendance. Recovery programs are spiritual ways of living.  Someone comes in new and says they do not understand the 12 steps and so leave.  It is suggested that you practice the program and then it will make sense.  Practice opens the spiritual dimension that was hidden from the skeptical, closed mind.  Desperation can be a good thing sometimes.  It gets one to practice a path while the mind remains in a clueless fog.  

Closed Mind

 If you read a theology of a religion other than your own, you must find a way to be open to it.  Most believers of “their” religion, if they read some other faith, do so with a prejudice to prove the other wrong.  You cannot glean any nuggets of spiritual worth from another religion if you read it only to prove that you are right and they are wrong.  Christians don’t read their bible like a novel, so why should they quick read the Koran and then say, “This makes no sense.”  You can be on a religious path that works for you without having to be “right.”  God is not bound by any path.  

Poetry

 Prayer is a little bit like reading poetry.  You have to give it time to come to you.  Poetry is not meant to be read like a Newpaper or a tweet.  Poetry is not so much about information, as it is about transformation.  So it must be given time, space, and openness.  A poem cannot be rushed or read while thinking about something else.  Nor do we worry about “what does it mean.”  Given its time and an open, uncluttered heart, the poem will reveal what you need at that time.  The poem will speak quietly if you let it.  And so will prayer.  

Silence

 Silence that is full of vexation, worry, self-regard, is not a silence that will take you to your deeper self.  You can be silent, making no sounds, but worried about how you are going to pay your rent or mortgage, or keep your job, a relationship and so on.  The more contemplative silence is one that if relatively free of any focused thoughts.  This is the silence that can seep into you and help bring about a change at the heart level.  I try to avoid mixing up prayer and problem solving.  

Humility

 Sometimes the answer to a question on the spiritual path is “I don’t know.”  It is a humble response.  We don’t have to know in our minds, or satisfy our ego, by coming up with an answer to what is happening within the prayer.  People see a change in us for the better.  They experience a more loving us, and they want to know how prayer helps.  Sometimes we must say, in all honesty, and humility, we do not know.  What we do know is that we keep showing up to the practice. God is at work.  

Tears

 Sometimes the soul needs a shower.  This can be our tears.  We can cry with joy or with sadness.  Tears for both.  Shower for the heart.  Crying is often put down as weakness or self-pity or just an embarrassing nuisance.  But if you are trying to be loving, or at least a bit kind to others, it is not selfishness.  The tears of grief in a loss, water the heart which thirsts in its experience of loss.  “Toughen up” is not quite what is needed.  It is the advice of those who are in denial.  Sometimes there are tears in meditation.  They are to help us move through events, some we do not even recognize.  Let it flow.  Let it flow.  

The Match

 A candle is wax and wick until it is ignited.  Then it is flame, light and warmth.  Meditation is like the match that fires up the flame within so that we become a light, a flame of love, a warmth for others who know only the experience of their wax and wick.  The way we live our life in the world can become a reminder, a revelation, of what we all can be.  I think of the match for the flame as surrender.  We are all waiting to become a flame of love if we can dose the ego.  

The Performer

 At times we want to be a performer, distinct and separated from anyone else.  Think of a violin player.  Alone, they perform with their instrument.  No other performers on stage with them.  Everyone is supposed to focus on the singular performer.  The ego loves it.  But in fact, in the spiritual life, we are to be part of a concert.  Each person does their best to contribute to the whole in order to have a successful concert.  We are all doing our best with our talent to contribute to the whole.  The conductor is love.  Private mediation is when we work on the instrument of the heart so we can later contribute to the whole in service to the concert of life.  

The Star

 Well-known spiritual masters were born with a star over them, so the story goes.  Buddha and Jesus would be examples.  Jesus had the Star of Bethlehem that was shown to the Magi way over in Persia maybe.  What is the star about?  Well, before creation brought forth us types of humanoids, or any life or planets, there were stars.  The stars have been long witnesses of their Creator.  Stars are born, live, flourish and then die in explosions.  New stars come from that.  So stars are God's friends for the longest of times.  God enjoys stars and I think the stars enjoy God.  Then, eventually, we come along.  And if God is going to transition into this world, the stars want to watch.  They are overlooking God and pointing to God for us clueless, but loved part of God's creation.  So why not try and see a star-lit night if you can?  Look at Gods longterm friends.  

Dark Skin

 Christmas is coming which means a lot of focus on Mary, the mother of the baby Jesus.  So what is it about these images here and there of Mary with dark skin?  Is it an ethnic thing?  No.  It refers to the spiritual life.  Dark is not bad.  It is just dark and dark is good. How so?  You go through the dark to get to the light.  The baby Jesus will be born from the dark womb into the light of the stable.  No wonder babies cry.  Many Catholics have the spirituality of going to Jesus through Mary.  In the mystical sense of Mary, you go through the dark night of deep meditation, seemingly nothing there, into the revelation of the light of non-duality.  A Christmas tree looks best when it lights up in the dark.  Got any holy cards with the dark-skinned Mary?  

Beg To Differ

In the First Letter of John in the New Testament of the Bible, John 1:5, it says, "God is Light and in him there is no darkness."  Well, this could be a bit misleading as is the statement that "we are called to be children of light."  How do you experience the Light of God, except against the darkness into which you are called by deep prayer.  First comes the darkness of Nada, Nothing, beyond  your thoughts, imaginings and fantasies.  In the darkness you let go of all this.  Truly dark.  Then the true light that is so much brighter in the deep darkness.  Then you become a child of light.  But first be a child of the dark.  Meditate.   

Moon Rise

 When was the last time you went outside to watch the full moon rise?  Maybe never?  Not is a very long time?  We might catch the sunrise because we are getting ready for our busy day, when it is light and we can get lots of things done.  But moonrise is at night and we just don't see ourselves going out into the darkness to  patiently wait for the moon to rise.  But I guarantee you it is quite spectacular, and quick.  Let the darkness manage you. Put aside your sense of urgency and go out to some hill or unobstructed horizon place.  Wait in the dark.  What a nice time for prayer.  Stay warm.  

What Manages Who?

 We try to manage the dark.  When it gets dark outside, we put on lights, inside and outside.  We avoid darkness until we want it for sleep and then we might have on "security" lights or some low light to put to sleep the fears of goblins and demons, and monsters.  This is the first day of December, and in the Northern Hemisphere that means lots of darkness.  We are approaching Winter Solstice.  Why not take advantage of the darkness.  Let it manage you.  Lots of good stuff can come in the darkness.  We celebrate Christmas right round the most dark days of the year in our Hemisphere.  Santa won't come if it is light.  Santa works in the dark.  The red nose reindeer guides him.  God does great work in the dark.  Enjoy the dark or at least get used to it.  And save on electricity bills.