Where The Crawdads Sing

Did you ever find yourself responding to another person in a way to please them, but it is not really you.  Your response is not authentic.  Kya did this with a guy.  She laughed at something he said though she did not think it was funny.  Girls can tend to do this.  Why?  Not being a girl, I am not sure, but the author of the book says it is "giving away a piece of yourself" each time yo do it.  You don't want to be lonely or you do want to belong to someone.  These were two reason that Kya laughed.  It got me to thinking that each time I do this in my own interactions with people, am I giving away a piece of myself?  And if I do it often, then will there be no more me, authentic me, but only a fake me?  A spiritual path is one that helps us to discover our true self and live it out.  It takes courage and determination on a day to day basis, and sometimes can pay a price.  I keep this in mind when I think of a response or reaction to what someone else says, does or wants.  Oh, and if you figured out the mystery of Chase's demise, you are a better detective than I was.  I thought I knew but really had no clue.  There were clues but that is for another blog! Read the book.

The Bridge

In San Francisco we have some persons who are very happy and some who are very sad.  Sometimes, it is the same person.  They get very happy with substances, since they cannot find happiness otherwise.  Without the substances, they can get very sad, even suicidal in solutions to unhappiness.  Something does not go their way, or they don't get their plans fulfilled that day.  They get resentful, self-pitying, judgmental, blaming, so they decide to "take it to the bridge."  We have beautiful bridges in San Francisco, such as Golden Gate.  This bridge has a walkway for pedestrians and suicide attempts.  The Bay beneath is cold with terrible currents.  Though pretty to look at, it will pretty much do the job of ending your life just with the fall into the Bay.  I find that the best way to deal with this solution to unhappiness is to talk about it to someone who might understand and not judge you.  They might have a second opinion about what to do that is healthier.  Since I have a fear of heights, the bridge has never been my solution.  Thank you HP for phobias! Take a step over the bridge is a solution.  But I have found there are 12 other steps that solve suicidal thinking.

Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving!  And if it is not happy as you read this it might get a bit better with some reflection and/or action.  If you are unhappy because you lost someone you love who made for past Happy Thanksgivings, then your sadness is in part because this was a wonderful person in your life.  We are sad when we lose the gift or a living relationship, but we did have this wonderful person in our life at one time.  We lost a gift, but it was nonetheless a gift.  For some of us, we are not with family or friends we love on this day.  When this happens to me, I try to plan for being of service to others who might be struggling this day.  I remember getting together with  other single persons who were away from family and making a Thanksgiving together at one of our apartments.  In other words you don't have to be alone and lonely.  For some of us, our solutions for loneliness are very self-destructive.  In San Francisco, we call it "Taking It To The Bridge."

The Good Sister

Well the arm is not healing.  It is getting infected.  So I am now in LA with my sister and she agreed that we should do something.  She knew about a UCLA urgent Care nearby that is very good.  So we went there, twice.  The first time it was not opened. We went back at the opening and got in with little wait after I filled out forms.  The doctor and nurses were very good and clear.  Anti-biotics, bandages that do not stick to the wound, unlike the one I had on, antiseptic solutions on the parts of wound that were leaking or “angry.”  My sister listened to the instructions because I don’t always get it right being somewhat fear based with my wounds.  So now we have a plan.  It is good to be with my sister who knows what to do.  Two heads are better than one, especially since one head is not working too well.  That would be mine.  Jane goes to heaven.  Me maybe not.  I have to see my doctor when I get back to Boulder, but he does not know that since his office is not coming to work in the Thanksgiving Blizzard.  One day at a time.

Being Found

Some days I get the notion that my spiritual path is all about losing myself.  Say what?  Well, instead of focusing so much on me and my wants or expectations, I let go of my "getting" agenda, and just "be" for a few moments.  I let go of the thinking about me.  It is not easy but when I can do it for snippets of time, I seems to get found by some power or energy or reality that is always within and around me, but ignored or avoided.  This is a positive power of goodness, love, compassion, acceptance and service, which is ignored by selfish, self-centered, fear-based persons like I can be.  Do you sometimes feel that the normal you is just bad, a mess?  Think of it as an opinion or a temporary phase that can be changed by "letting go" for a few minutes.  The purpose of my meditation, my spiritual practice, is to be "found."  So I lose myself.  You cannot be found if you are not lost.

Finding The Pieces

Some days I just have to scrape together pieces of love.  I am scattered, as we say.  At these times I find loving to be defuse.  It is not concentrated enough to overcome bondage to self and a whining attitude.  I have plenty of that on such days.  What to do?  I try prayer, meditation, some focus reading on the spiritual path.  They act like magnets, pulling together the pieces of love spread apart in my heart.  Loving becomes a bigger part of my attitude and actions.  Love concentrates into a power that overcomes the darkness, the moodiness, fears, laziness, and I can become a more positive force in the world around me.  Prayer as a magnet!  I am blessed whenever I feel pulled in the direction of love.

Ouch

Ouch