Went Where?

When I was little I was told that Jesus Ascended up into a cloud and was taken to heaven.  Being a smart kid I figured that clouds are up above and so heaven must be up above.  When I got a little older I became less smart and more confused.  I looked at our globe and saw that Australia was in the Southern Hemisphere.  Their "up" and my up went in opposite directions.  That would make heaven go in two different directions.  Is there a solution or is it all nonsense? Yes, I found out that there is another way of seeing what happened to Jesus.  He did not go up to some one place, but rather went everywhere!  This of course created a problem for a little kid like me who was prone to mischief.  If Jesus is everywhere, being God, then he sees everything that is going on.  So when I take that cookie from the jar that my mother told me not to eat, I can fool her, and lie, if necessary, but Jesus sees and then probably notes it in a ledger that will be shone me when I die and get to the gates of heaven for my interview.  So I would prefer the old idea given to children, that God is in one place, but not everywhere at once.  This way, maybe God is busy with important stuff in some other universe or galaxy and won't notice when I am bad, and not write it into my life ledger.  But this does not work either because my mother always knew when I took the cookie even though she was not "there."  So God was in at least two places at once: heaven and my Mom, since she seemed to be everywhere with her eye on me.  If two places at once, then God is probably everywhere.  As for getting through the gates of heaven, I got no chance unless Mom lobbies God. My hope is that they both have a soft heart.  So where is your God if you should happen to have one?