Anonymous

 I see on FB where people say "my name is" and then they say what they did.  They did a god deed and want people to know about them and the deed.  But I am more impressed by a story I read in the Bible about a woman, nameless, who did a good deed.  She anointed Jesus as if she knew that he was going to die soon and need anointing for his burial as was the custom.  She too did a good deed, but made no effort for anyone to know her name.  The FB person is forgotten in a blink, but this nameless woman's deed is remembered centuries later.  I would prefer that my good deeds be done and I remain anonymous.  It is the good action rather than the person who did it that changes the world.  

Community

Yesterday was my birthday, and the monks decided to give me a birthday party today, Monday.  It was a lovely lunch and I even baked the petrale sole fish.  Chocolate cake to die for and lots of good things to eat that are healthy for everyone.  Someone is in touch with my sister Jane and she sent the monastery pictures of me and our family from over the years.  I knew nothing about it, but the pictures were spread out on the dining tables at each place setting.  It engendered lots of conversation about my life.  Everyone wanted to know who was Maureen, my big sis I always talked about in homilies.  No matte how I say rotten things about her, everyone loves her.  Go figure.  Anyhow, we sat for a long time talking.  No one got up to leave. The monks got to know more about my life, past history, my family.  It was a wonderful time and is one more indication of how this has become a real community for me, and not just a place where I live for convenience or work or assignment.  I am truly blessed.  

Mother Nature

 I am thinking about humility.  It is the virtue that helps us to recognize we are all in the same boat, no one better than another.  Mother Nature seems to be better able to help keep humility in mind in than even religion.  For a while in February Texas was a Third World Country.  It had no power, potable water, electricity, lighting, heat.  It was the same for everyone.  Economic status is not able to escape or avoid the change in climate.  South Texas was humbled a few years ago, I think 2017 with the big deluge of rain that had nowhere to go.  Everyone was helping everyone else and people were literally in the same boat trying not to drown.  There is no high ground for rich people in South Texas near the Gulf.  Many people ignore the fact that we are earthlings on the same planet and this planet has a say about how things are going to be.  You can ignore but you cannot escape.  So today I reflect on my smallness but at the same time remind myself that I can do something in my own daily life to make things better.  I am small but I still count if I want to.  

My Birthday

 Today is my first birthday at the monastery.  The monks usually have a birthday party, special food and gathering to talk, on a birthday.  Unfortunately for me, today is two things.  One it is Sunday and we have no meal on Sunday.  Everyone is on their own.  Secondly, it is Palm Sunday, the beginning of Holy Week for us Christian monks so Jesus is the center of attention and not me.  So it is a festive day for Jesus who comes into Jerusalem to Hosannas from the fickle crowd, but not a festive day for my birthday.  This is OK because the people who focused all that attention on Jesus, dumped him by Friday, our so called Good Friday.  My friends will not dumping me.  They are just busy with Holy Week.  But if you are not into Holy Week than you have no excuse for ignoring me.  My birthday can never compete with Jesus who is God to me and saved my selfish soul.  But chocolate is never a bad idea for us second place people.  

Cross

 There is a saying, "Take up your cross daily."  It is a powerful wisdom saying and one used by Jesus in his spiritual path as an invitation to follow his Way.  This saying means that I must pick up my cross, not someone else's, and do it each day, a daily renewal of a commitment.  Now and again, I can take up someone else's cross in doing service work, being helpful to an overburdened or down and out person.  This keeps me from getting into trouble, or as I say, service keeps me from getting worse.  I have to put my own agenda aside.  But if I want to get better, grow, deepen a spiritual life, path, renewal, recovery, I need to take up "MY" cross.  I need to work on my negative stuff and renew that commitment daily.  A person who says, "I will never do that again!" will do it again and soon, if there is no daily plan of working on their shortcomings.  I can be a kinder person in taking up someone else's cross for a moment, but I will not be rid of whining, self-pity, judgmental thoughts, resentments, lust, gluttony, fear, and the whole bondage to self all of which are my cross, unless I face them daily.  That is a cross that waits for me to pick up each morning when I wake up.  

Nursery

As someone said, God runs a nursery.  Say what?  Well, who is in a nursery?  Babies, toddlers who at one time or another have tantrums because they are not getting what they want, even though what they want is of no use to them, or good for them.  Are we not part of God's nursery members from time to time?  Tell people they drink too much and they throw a tantrum, and drink more.  When I inhabit the nursery, I get all upset about something that is not going my way, only to find out later that going my way was not a very good way.  Or I want something very badly and am upset about not getting it, only to find out that later with some spiritual growth, what I wanted was no good for me anyway.  Mediation, spiritual reading, and being of use to others gets me out of the nursery.  So, are you having a tantrum in your nursery today, or practicing a spiritual solution to life?

Lenten Fast

We are hip deep into Lent and some people gave up things.  Over the years I have discovered that "giving up" has greater benefits depending on what is given up.  Like how? Well, if I give up desserts for Lent, I am simply giving up something that is not all that healthy anyway.  And when Lent is over, I am not much changed anyway, except maybe my ego crows over how strong-willed I was as I go back to desserts.  But I have learned to look at Eve in Paradise.  The apple, or whatever fruit on the tree, is good for you.  It is pleasing to the eye and benefits health.  Try giving up something that is good.  Try coffee.  I can live without sugary stuff.  No coffee!  It is a staple.  Food pundits say it is good for me.  My will-power is way challenged, right from the time I wake up.  The purpose? To let go of good things for something greater or deeper.  A reminder of my need for that Power, Ultimate Reality, The One, God, who is what will fill me up.  A little early morning emptiness ( maybe whining a tad) reminds me of the emptiness that only my God can fill.  For some people, alcohol looks good, tastes good, can be good for you, like a glass of wine at dinner, but they want something more fulfilling, like sanity!

The Gap

There often seems to be a gap between a need I have and my capacity to fill that need.  Without a spiritual path, turning it over, surrender, letting go, acceptance, meditation, I will fill in that gap with inadequate stuff.  The gap will remain but I will have more stuff, things, or a hangover.  When my self-will runs riot in trying to fit my needs beyond my capacity, I end up with failure.  Now I have failure and unfulfilled needs.  I end up also with fear and discontent.  So I follow my daily meditation and spiritual reading, and try to be helpful to others.  The gap seems to go away, fulfilled or not.  The gap might have been for more esteem, security, power and control.  Somehow I seems to have enough on a daily basis of spiritual steps.  

Demons

Some of us have a lot of jumbled thoughts stacked one on another that give us no peace.  We can be restless, irritable and discontented.  No serenity.  Left to our own devices,  we at best will work on some messy thought that quickly comes to mind.  It is probably a top of the pile thought.  Self-healing, we don't get much peace if any.  So think of these jumbled thoughts, feelings, messy stuff as piled one on another like a tower.  How do you bring down the tower?  Go to the foundation, the thought at the base of it all.  We cannot do this alone.  So this is why I try for a deepening mediation, with a quality silence and solitude.  The quiet deepens as I stop paying attention to my thoughts, all of which are part of the tower.  I wait.  I believe there is a power in my life, not me, that can and will pull out that base thought upon which all the others depend.  I need courage to do this because if the base thought is revealed to me, it might be tough for me to accept and process it.  But then there can come peace.  Desperation can engender a lot of courage.  

Whose Plan?

I have found that "prayer and meditation" are not the same thing. Generally, from what I know, people who "pray" are talking to their Deity, Power, God, cosmic whatever.   I find that when I am doing this talking prayer it is all about my agenda.  I am talking.  I am not listening.  I might drop in a few words of gratitude, but move on to asking for help that I do something good for me and for others.  And I have an agenda for the day of how this is going to all work out.  Talking prayer is mostly about my plans, good as they may be or seem to be.  Mediation is when I listen to a second opinion or a second plan, and for me that would be God's plan for me this day.  I may want to do wonderful things but without listening, it will be my ego that will direct my day.  I have had days when I have done good things, as I saw them, but then discovered that they did not turn out quite as I expected or planned.  What happened? Most often I did talking  prayers but no meditation.  Life on my terms is generally a disaster.  

My Reality

 Some people say that their reality is the sum of past events, things that matter of fact happened.  But in many cases I don't think that this is true.  Rather our reality is the stories we tell ourselves.  So and so was a bad person and did thus and so to me.  Therefore, I am what I am because of that.  There is often two sides to any event if not three or four sides.  We tell ourselves what we want and then move on.  What have we learned from our self-story telling?  Often, not the truth.  What to do?  Well, I try to get a second opinion, an unbiased opinion.  Alcoholics are always telling themselves why they got drunk.  Until they realize the truth that they are alcoholics.  Telling ourselves stories can become addictive.  it makes us feel better, until it doesn't.  

Actions

When I think about doing something good and useful, I still have not done anything but think about it.  I need outside help, a spiritual Power other than me to get me to act on my thinking.   And when I act, my thinking might change.  Action is what makes for change, hopefully for the better.  Example: I think and then do something for another person or persons, that I think is helpful and will make them happy.  Only to find out that my action messed up some plans that they had.  Lesson learned: I need to check in with others, work as a team, rather than act unilaterally in my good-deedness.  There is often more to be learned by action than simply by thinking about something and doing nothing.  Even if you mess up in trying to do good, you learn something.  My blogs are often written about something I think about doing, but it is just a blog until I act on it.  

Joseph

Joseph is one of my favorite saints.  To catch you up, he is the Husband of Mary, the Mother of Jesus. Why do I like Joseph?  Because he never seems to get his plans to go his way.  And he accepts it.  Acceptance is important to me if my agenda is going sideways.  He listens to his inner voice and trusts it as it comes to him in dreams or alone times.  He is a person of few words but plenty of action to help others.  Acceptance, service on behalf of others, action more than words to point to his spiritual practice are all things that I admire.  Happy Feast Day to all those named Joseph.  

Babble

 When I am teaching I have a lot of information about my subject.  That can be dangerous.  Too much information with no idea about how to use it to become a better person, is well, too much information, opinion, history.  Nothing and no one changes with information alone in my work.  My job, if done correctly is to help people see how they can incorporate someone's journey, path, experience, into their own life.  A teacher in my field needs to be pointing to transformation, change for the better, and not just more information.  My ego would like to tell you all that I know, but my ego never was much good at getting me to do anything that would transform me.  Transformation is about getting you out of yourself.  Try going from selfish to selfless without any spiritual programs, steps to take, and you will find that you stay selfish.  You stay a selfish person but with more information.  Some call it psychobabble.  Is this blog a babble? 

St. Patrick's Day

As usual, St. Patrick's Day comes in the middle of Lent for me.  I give myself permission to put aside any Resolutions I made for the Lenten 40 days.  If I decided I would deepen my silence and quiet my tongue during Lent, then today I will be noisy with telling everyone about being Irish.  I have Grandparents from the Ole Country.  I won't try for any Irish food, since I cannot think of any that I really like.  My parents liked Irish Soda Bread and ate corn beef and cabbage but I like neither.  And I don't drink.   Today, I will pray in gratitude for all the Irish friends we had in our time in the Bronx when I was a boy.  But I am also grateful that we are not so clannish as we used to be when to marry an Italian Catholic was looked down upon, though if you married an Italian girl you got a great cook.  Now if you married Protestant, well, you burn, unless of course they convert.  Times have changed, but we still have St.Patrick's Day.  And sobriety.  

Return To Silence

 Some Christians say that my sitting in silence has nothing to do with Jesus and so I am a bogus Christian. I may be bogus but not for that reason.  We Christians believe in the Trinity.  God the Creator is the Great Silence before the Big Bang or Garden of Eden.  Before Creation...Silence.  Creation is the Word (Second Person of Trinity for us Christians).  The Word goes forth in the Power of the Spirit, the connector energy between Father and Son/Word.  Lost yet?  Well back to me sitting in silence.  When I sit in silence, I am being taken back to the Father as Jesus calls the Silence/Creator.  It is the energy of the Spirit in Jesus that is taking me back.  In a nutshell: it is all about return to unity in the Triune Energy of God.  

The Good Sower

 Many people who say they are believers, pray to their God that what they are doing is going to turn out favorably.  They do some good and then focus on results.  They wait.  Nothing seems to change and the person or situation passes on.  This can happen with teachers, parents, guides of the inner life.  But I try to focus on being the sower.  Why should I get all worried about results?  Isn’t the God I believe in responsible for results and in God’s time, not mine?  Oh we of weak faith who concentrate on results as we think they should be!  Are we not all simply sowers of the seed?  No seed means no results.  Just be a good sower in your actions.  You are not in charge of the world.  

Ides

 I think that today is called the Ides of March.  Anyway it is the middle of March and we up here at 8,000 feet altitude see a problem for our ranch.  Temperatures began to show 40 degree days in late January.  We need snow in March, lots of it, but it cannot snow if it is too warm.  Rain is nice, but we need that snow to fall and sit on the fields in late Winter and early Spring and then soak in.  I noticed that other places whose weather I follow have had rather mild winters.  We pray for lots of snow up here and there is still time.  But time is getting thin.  What is the Ides of March all about anyway?  

No Regrets

 Can I accept myself, who I am, with no regrets?  That is not easy, for sure.  But what helps me is that I have come to realize that I am where I am today, in part because of messes I made in the past.  The God that I understand or experience, seems to have the Power to take a bad situation, a bad behavior, a seeming disaster, and make something of it, that got me to where I am today.  A lot of the good changes in my life, the energy to make a turn from something messy, to something good, came about from following good direction, advice, insight and just seemingly luck, but I know it was not much luck.  So you can see why I believe in God Power.  I am in a good space now.  Gratitude seems to be replacing regrets.  Or as it is said, some of us learn from our mistakes.  I still make mistakes, so I know I have more to learn.  

Serenity

 There is a prayer that starts out with something like, “Accept what we cannot change.”  Well, one thing I cannot change is being me.  When I am serene, at peace, I am accepting me.  What I mean is thatI don’t fantasize about being someone I am not, more cool, more “in” with the trendy popular, more famous and so on.  On the other hand, I can work at becoming a better me, but not a different me.  Becoming a better me is a lot of work on a daily basis with backsliding on behavior, attitude and bondage to the self that drags me down to craziness.  But my spiritual program works at this each day both in meditation, reading and action with others.  It is OK not to be important, but not OK to make others feel they are not important or worth my time.  

United But Different

 I think that the goal in being “United” is to allow for diversity but within the umbrella of unity.  The United States are not all the same and never have been, but the effort is to be able to have differences within some overall unity.  A totalitarian situation allows for no differences.  I think of this in terms of religion.  Two people can be on a spiritual quest which is what unites them. But each has found a different path. One learns something from the other in a respectful and listening dialogue.  This would be an interfaith unity with diversity.  On the other hand there are people who think their way is the only way, and if you are not on their way, you are simply wrong, bad, stupid, lazy and a host of other judgmental words.  There can be no overall unity much less civility where it is my way or no way.  The Protestant Reformation and all the religious wars attest to that.  I guess I am not much into convert work.  

Seed

If you have done any planting you may have noticed that a very small seed can grow a lot of something much bigger than that small seed.  But the seed needs to be planted in good soil and sometimes less than good soil.  A good metaphor for small things.  Do you ever think that you are doing too little? Are not sure of the results of your small effort?  Think of the seed.  I do.  Instead of discouraging myself into doing nothing, I say that what I do is like planting a seed.  I may never know the results, but there will be no results if I do nothing.  So I try to do a good, small thing, such as this blog.  Cyberspace is the soil.  I will never know how much good the blog did, but I did my part.  I wrote and posted it.  So don't get down on yourself that you do too little.  Do something that is good and let it be.  Don't compare and contrast with others.  We all have our gifts, and mine are few, but I try to use what I have.  If we try to do what is beyond us, or try to please someone else, or deal with guilt, ego and shame, eventually we will do less or do nothing.  A lot of people doing a little seed planting will make a difference.  So start with you and a small act of love and care.    

Washing Machine

Like many people, I have what has been called a washing machine brain.  When you look into the window of a machine as it washes your clothes, things are all jumbled up, spinning around or clouded with soap and water.  It is a metaphor for my head at times.  I am all jumbled up with thoughts, spinning around, clouded by anxiety, fear, confusion, all jumbled together.  I used to have a solution for that washing machine brain, but eventually it only made things worse.  Washing machines are noisy, just like my head can be.  Meditation, helps to put my noisy, jumbled brain on pause, and the spinning to stop.  Things seem to empty out, quiet down, and peace takes over.  I try for a daily pause or two.  I can also pause if I do one task at a time and ask for spiritual help, that I do the best I can, but that the results are not up to me.  I try to  slow myself down in that I do not try to do too much all at once.  Then anxiety and washing machine brain set in.  I don't want to return to old solutions that never worked.  And you know what happens when you overload a washing machine.  A big mess happens.  

Nutrients

Soil needs nutrients.  It does not help to have a lot of seed to plant if th soil lacks nutrients to support the seed growth.  I live on a ranch.  Our soil up here in the mountains at 8,000 feet, lacks nutrients. The soil has lots of rocks, but they don't help seeds to grow.  So we have to supply nutrients for our soil.  Fortunately cows use our soil for their bathroom and so we try to spread that out with tractors.  I think contemplation is very much a nutrient for the heart.  You can plant a lot of information in a person, doctrine, rules, structure and tradition, but without the nutrients, not much will grow to make one a truly spiritual and transformed person.  Information, catechism, won't change you for the better.  or so I have found out for myself and a few others.  When you sit down to meditate, think of it as giving nutrients to your inner life.  Don't think about the cows though!  That could confuse you with metaphor.   

Balance

I teach mysticism, and contemplative prayer.  Not many people are interested in this, especially in my Church.  So I don't get invites to go talk to congregations.  Yet I think what I do is important because it give a balance to a church that is quite institutional, and focuses on doctrine, rules, structure, power and authority.   Mysticism is  not much like that at all.  So keep that in mind if you belong to a group, spiritual, corporate, social.  If you find yourself interested in a "niche" of what they do, or have forgot to do, don't expect a lot of spotlight or interest.  But to keep your sense of purpose or value intact, think of what you do as being a "balance."  Just because the majority ignore or don't value you, does not make what you do unimportant.  It helps me.  Anyone reading these blogs?    

Racism

I find racism and discrimination to be very subtle.  I will speak for myself.  I will say, "I am not racist."  But if I live in a neighborhood or environs where everyone looks like me, then how do I know?  It is easy for me to be kind and caring for people who look like me, and act like me.   What if I am in a meeting with people who are trying to grow spiritually, and a disheveled drunk walks in?  Instinctively, I wish he or she would go away.  They upset my tranquility.  I might fail then to notice that their presence is an opportunity for me reach out and care for them. a good spiritual practice for someone trying to grow spiritually.  Instinct is the last thing to change when one discriminates.  I find this can happen when I run into someone of a different skin color, language, culture than I am.  There is that pause, that step back judgment that jumps up.  Spiritual growth means that I do not let that initial reaction control my response. So people who live in gated or red-lined neighborhoods, or suburban likeness, say that they are not racist or discriminating, I wonder what would happen when they step out and are tested? 

Esteem

I think that one of the reasons that so many Catholics of my generation, still go to church, is because of the nuns we had in school.  The key issue was "esteem."  The religious order women who taught us, did not just try to teach us curriculum, but also tried to give us a sense of self-esteem by the way they treated us.  Obviously, a crabby nun is not going to do that.  But where you get a nun who cares about you as a person, tries to give you a sense of self-worth, I think that can stay with a young person for their whole life.  So think about that all you who say you are followers of some religious persuasion or any spiritual path for the matter.  If you want to pass on what you have to someone else, it is not so much a matter of subject material, doctrine, creed or tradition.  It is about how you, a so called believer, treat another person.  If you say you love someone, but ignore them, that won't give them much self-esteem or give them a sense of self-worth.  If you say you believe in a God of Love, then it ought to show up in how you treat another person.  Giving someone the silent treatment, or avoiding them because they do not do what you want, is not going to pass on much of your beliefs in a God.  i have to work on this every day.  I live with people far less perfect than myself.  OOPS!  I guess those nuns gave me an over abundance of self-esteem.  

Money

One of the chief differences between AA and my Catholic Church is that AA decided to stay poor and my Church decided to depend on the rich to keep in business.  Now AA will never support the arts or architecture, or music that my church has supported over the centuries.  A lot of artists over the centuries were paid to create beautiful things, paint, music, buildings and so on.  AA will never be able to do that.  But the downside of having wealth is that the "members" think they are members by showing up.  They don't think they have to contribute $$ to support their church.  "The church is rich," they say.  But AA was very wise with money.  They could have accepted big donations and wills, but then "members" would think showing up is all they need do because AA is rich.  But by staying poor AA relies on the money from each of those "showing up" people.  My church has always had a very low donation rate given the number of Sunday worshippers or baptisms.  I think it takes away from being responsible, if you could give but don't because you think our group is rich.  If you have nothing, OK.  But many people have plenty in AA and in religion, but keep it in their pockets or bank accounts.   

The Ordinary Life

 I am reminded that Jesus called his followers while they were in the midst of their ordinary, routine, and maybe boring lives.  Hmmm.  I seem to go on the attitude that if I have this extraordinary prayer life, God will contact me, like I am so open.  And when I am busy with stuff, the mundane, God won’t bother.  Or I am too busy to notice God.  Well, I have it all wrong.  God is in the ordinary.  Will I be open to this?  Guess not.  So, I won’t give up my meditation times, but I have to expand my awareness energy in the mundane.  This means the ego, which is all about accomplishments and success in tasks, needs to not be so central.  While I am accomplishing things, I need to be open to something new, an insight, an energy for new direction, God Power.  How to do that?  I don’t have the answer.  I guess it is surrender time inside and outside my active prayer life.  Not easy, but necessary.  

One Step Away

 I have heard recovering addicts say,” I am one drink away from a drunk.”  That is, if they have even one drink, they will quickly go downhill to old behavior.  Would that I keep that in mind in relation to my prayer life, my meditation.  On a daily basis, if I keep to my times for stillness and silence, for meditation, I will be OK the rest of the day.  Old bad habits will be kept at bay.  But if I skip a day, bad things quickly begin to happen.  What was acceptable yesterday or forgivable, or ignored, is today going to bring me to resentment, self-pity, hurt feelings and anger, because  my daily dose of prayer has been skipped.  My anecdote is missing.   Prayer is my recovery program for a lot of character defects.  Just as an alcoholic, an addict, is always such, I always having shortcomings just waiting for me to ease up on my recovery meditations.  Become too busy for your daily dose, and my experience is that life will overwhelm you.  

Crazy

At one point the family of Jesus said, “He is out of his mind!”  I suspect that when the Buddha sat under the bodhi tree to meditate in seeking Nirvana, people thought he was crazy too.  Those closest to you have the biggest problem when you decide to go into a new direction.  They don’t understand.  It is out of their comfort zone.  But it is easier for them to simply say you are crazy than to think there is more tho life than what they know.  In other words the change in another person takes everyone around them out of comfort zones.  So if you think you are going into uncharted waters, a new direction, don’t expect others to get on board.  Sameness, is only shallow to the one who is changing.  For all others, sameness it is simply being normal.  

Fist Bumps

 OMG!  It is March 1.  Was it not a year ago that we stopped shaking hands, and did fist bumps and elbow bumps.  Soon there was the scramble for masks and toilet paper.  Disease Control people said said it would be a year or more before we had a vaccine.  Well, I have had my two shots and it is looking like there may be some end to the Covid life as we know it.  Where did that year go?  If you were future-living, or drama-living, or poor-me living, the days dragged on like an eternity.  I tried to live it one day at a time.  I made no future plans.  I have no vacation rental plans or airline tickets, or promises to be somewhere on such a date.  If I can live today, there is plenty to enjoy, though I have lost friends to Covid.  I am alive, and not living in some addiction.  I have this day to avoid living in “heart-storms.” And I certainly don’t want to return to what was called normal life, before Covid.  That was too frenetic, too busy.  And all those things you could no longer do while in Covid shutdown?  How many of them did you really miss?