Fellowship

 AA is a lot like organized religion in that both are spiritual paths and both are communal.  Neither AA nor religion will release its benefits if one sits on the edges, or simply attends.  People come to AA meetings and sit alone in the back.  They come late and leave right away, talking to no one.  They hear AA “scriptures” and information, but such people rarely get sober, and usually will drink again after some bad behavior called a “dry drunk.”  It is the same in organized religion such as mine.  People come to the worship building, sit in the back, talk to no one, come late and probably leave early.  They are there for themselves and not others.  In both cases there is no involvement or working with or for others in the group to which they attend.  There is no communal fellowship and so such people stay on the edges, change little for the better and often just drift off saying, “it didn’t work for me” or “I don’t need all that stuff.”  I don’t speak from judgment, but from experience.  I find the full benefits come not just from private reading or attendance, but from volunteering in a way that is helpful to others, to the group.  Transformation, growth, is not private, but communal, to receive and share with others what we are receiving through our spiritual paths.  

Using Tools

It is one thing to buy a bunch of tools to fix things and it is another thing to use the tools you bought.  The spiritual life is fragile and needs constant tooling.  I can never take my inner work for granted.  Life can get sideways real fast if I don't do a daily maintenance with the tools that I have.  I have a book or two of suggestions as to how to keep my life working in a good balance.  But if these books sit on a shelf or at my elbow, or under my coffee cup or cell phone, they won't do me much good.  Soon enough I will be quite broken and then the repairs would be major and painful.  So, each day, early, I reach into my spiritual tool box and retool for the day.  Yesterday's maintenance was for yesterday.  It is a brand new day I have never lived before.  So each day I am a beginner.  Tools at the ready!

Getting Out

 One of the reasons that I do things for others, is to get out of my head.  I like to cook for others only in part because I like to cook.  It also can get me out of stinky thinking or thoughts that just feed my own weaknesses.  Or it might keep me from thinking I am in solitude when in fact I am in isolation.  Cooking for others is a connector and if I find myself being resentful or frustrated while preparing a meal, I note to myself why I am doing his in the first place.  I am being of service to help me and to help others.  Their response is above my pay scale.  Such things as cooking can keep me sane so long as I don't try to do too much in order to be praised.  I can easily miss bad motives or trip over them before I see the light.  Easy does it in the kitchen.  

A New End

 I hear someone say, “Today, I will make a new start!”  On will-power, they may do so, in part because of embarrassment at a loss, health issues, shame or guilt.  They have good intentions, but soon, all too soon, they are back into old behavior.  Someone gave me good advice.  It was to comprehend a new end.  On a blotted ego I can maybe make a new start.  It has no long term to it.  It is self-driven.  But to think about a new end, way down the road, seems more daunting.  A new end I cannot do alone.  I need help.  I am well-practiced in old behavior and can easily repeat it.  But new behavior that will last the long haul requires a power I do not have, and this is why I call it spiritual.  Think of someone who says they are going to get into good physical shape by running, which they have rarely done.  They can do it for today and maybe tomorrow, but then it is back to old behavior on the couch.  But think of a new end. A marathon run of 26.2 miles.  That gets you out there on the trails on a regular basis and maybe you need some running buddies to help you along.  I could use some running buddies.  None at the monastery.  

Becoming Real

 “The more real you become, the less that it hurts,” said the Rocking Horse to the other toys in “The Velveteen Rabbit.”  All the toys wanted to become real.  This wise saying means that I can do difficult things, even seemingly painful things, as long as it is really who I am.  I am energized when I am really me rather than trying to do something that is not me so as to please someone else or out of fear, or out of ego, pride.  I suspect a parent knows this in relationship to their child.  Someone who is doing a work, their vocation, their truer self knows this.  There are times, maybe each day, when circumstances call for us to do something that is not who we are.  But then we need to add something that is our truer self and feed on that energy.  I call it the Holy Spirit.  

Beginner

 When you wake up each day, think of yourself as a beginner.  Have a beginner’s mind.  You have never experienced this day to which you are waking.  With a beginner’s mind you can have the attitude of being open to what the day offers.  You can experience the day rather than sleepwalk through it.  Sleepwalking would mean that you never did fully wake up to the day.  You are just passing through.  

Hidden Fullnes

 Within each of us there is a hidden fullness of all our possibilities.  We don’t know it is there because it is hidden.  I call this hidden fullness, God.  Well, God or not, how do we access this creative energy to be all that we can be?  Silence, and I don’t mean simply not making noise.  Even when we make no noise on the outside, our insides, our mind, feelings, affections are making lots of noise.  So the silence needs to be one of not paying attention to inner or outer noise, and this is what I call meditation.  It needs to be deep in order to access the hidden presence.  This does not mean we see something, or have visions.  That would appeal to the imagination.  It must be deep enough so that we gradually change for the better.  We touch our hidden fullness.  We move from fearing love, to wanting to love, to loving inconsistently, fits and starts, to becoming love.  I am still too noisy, but working on it.  Not in charge of results, just effort on a daily basis.  

Monk

 The root word for “Monk” is alone but not in the sense of alienation or loneliness, or isolation.  Quite the contrary.  Alone means “Being One,” in the sense of being one with oneself, a sense of unity not scattered.  And this oneness is really “being at one with the Mystery” I call God.  “Well,” you say, “I am not a monk, so I cannot have this Oneness.”  Maybe you can.  How does the monk arrive at this oneness?  Being in touch with the now, living awareness in the present moment, which is reality.  There is only a future in your imagination and a past in your memory.  The really real is the now.  Yes, there are practicalities about daily life that require some planning, learning from the past, but you can do that and still stay in the now.  Meditation helps to heighten the now moment so we don’t get too far away from the really real.  “See you later!”  Oops, what happened to that ‘NOW?”

Bernard

 My confirmation name is Bernard, my father’s first name.  It comes from St. Bernard, the famous Cistercian, like the monastery I live in now.  Bernard said, “Knowledge comes from grasping something.  Wisdom comes from being gripped by something.”  Deep prayer is being gripped.  Classroom education is more about knowledge.  New monks need classroom knowledge about theology and philosophy.  I got that in my Catholic classrooms.  But today STEM learning is emphasized and not so much the “being gripped.”  Nowadays, my brain generally forgets the knowledge, but my heart does not forget the “grip.”

Insurance

 A lot of people want faith to be like insurance.  You are covered in case something goes wrong.  Insurance gives you some sense of certainty.  Faith is more about trust.  You live in the Mystery.  When you are aware of the Mystery, then that is prayer, the very awareness.  Here, prayer does not need words or agenda.Your insurance policy is not a Mystery. You have a written contract you can read, with a microscope.  People who want their faith to be about certainty often end up fundamentalists. Certainty does not need faith.  It is certain. Insurance faith is really run on fear.  Fear does not care much for mystery.  Fear prefers more control, thus the need for certainty.  I live in Mystery.  Of this I am certain. 

Prayer Time

 In a monastery we pray when it is time, that is when the bell chimes. Stop whatever we are doing, even in our self-importance and pray or go to the chapel to sing in choir.  Here, we do not pray only when we feel like it, and no other time.  That might be too much about the person, in this case, me.  The bell rings and it is a chance to practice self-surrender.  Surrender my need to finish a task.  Who needs me to finish?  We are not here to finish tasks on our time, but to be people of prayer in letting go.  In a way, it makes the monastery somewhat timeless, without deadlines.  In the original rule of St. Benedict, the time of prayer changed with the seasons.  If you pray at dawn, that is not the same clock time in the Summer Solstice as it is in the Winter Solstice.  This would make havoc for the retreatants who visit a monastery.  As long as you can hear the bell you don’t really need a watch.  Now that would be surrender!

Who Are The Poor?

 If I want to give myself to God, however I define God, then one way, and a really good one, is to give myself to someone who is poor and needy.  I don't need to go look for people who are financially poor, homeless, hungry, because a person can be poor in heart or soul.  They may be broken or damaged from life, experiencing criticism or being ignored by others because of their "faults" or 'Character Defects."  A way to give myself to my God, is to ask how I might add something good to this person's life.  Maybe my attention to them will be a healing balm.  Maybe my action can fill up a little of their interior poverty.  Others have done it for me so I know it can work.  

My Best

 If I am what I ought to be, I find that a lot of what concerns me out there is cured.  I tend to whine about people, places, and events and fail to see that a lot of the solution begins with me.  When I accept outside stuff, or show compassion, I seem to feel better and do better.  When at this point I often come up with the reminder to see what I can add to life around me rather than complain about how others should change.  As someone said, "We all talk of reforming others without ever reforming ourselves." 

Appointment

 I like the idea of prayer as “An appointment with Grace.”  I like this because it reminds me that I am not talking to myself or isolating or focused on me in prayer.  There is some power, Presence, other than me in this prayer.  When you are feeling isolated and alone, it is often suggested that you get in touch with some understanding and empathetic person.  I think this is what happens for me when I pray, be it sitting down or walking about or even in bed.  I try to listen to “Grace” in my prayer.  I have to let go of control as is true for any communication where I am trying to listen.  This reminds me a little of the free access app to the music of Pandora or Spotify.  I choose t o listen to some artist or type of music like one chooses to listen in prayer.  Then I have not much control over what will come on or play next on the app.  My God gives me free access to Grace but not free control.  

G.O.D.

 Someone said that the word “God” meant “Grow Or Die.”  This is helpful to me and maybe to others who don’t believe in a God person.  For me, I either have a spiritual practice energizing me to follow a path of growth or I am going backwards which is a dying away from growth.  As many people know, bad behavior escalated can finish one off slowly or quickly.  So I ask myself, “Am I growing today or dying?” This usually gets a bit of Power into my lazy or dysfunctional will-power, and I make sure that I do my mediation, spiritual reading and then see if I can be of some help to someone near or far.  Staying connected within and without seems to keep me in the “Grow” part of my life.  

TAX Day

Traditionally, today is the deadline to file and pay taxes.  I can get a delay or petition for delay for one reason or another so, I can clear some things up, or maybe I am too poor to pay.  All can be brought to the attention of the IRS.  At this point I may only be the victim of outside circumstances not of my doing.  But if I do nothing, then that is my bad behavior and I become a victim of my own behavior should the IRS come after me.  Looking back on other life issues I find that I have been a victim of my own bad behavior.  I lose a job, destroy a car, loose friends, alienate co-workers and so on not because of things done to me but because of things that I did in bad behavior.   Whatever caused the bad behavior,  I am still a victim along with others whom I hurt.  Today, I am trying to avoid becoming a victim due to my bad behavior.  If you tend to be selfish, as I am, this might be the only energy behind doing the right thing.  We selfish ones don't like to suffer so let's shape up for today.  Who knows?  Someday we might even do it out of love for others.  Now that is a spiritual path!

The Nearby

 So there is this bible story where a big time General has a disease and hears that some prophet in another country can heal him.  The two countries are not on friendly terms.  But the General goes anyway, thinking that this prophet, being such, will do something spectacular and unique to cure him.  When he gets to the prophet’s house, all he gets is a message to go bathe in the nearby river, a rather ordinary and unspectacular river.  The General gets resentful, rejects the advice to bathe nearby and is going back home when one of his aides convinces him to give it a shot.  The General bathes and is cured! Point?  When we have some emotional baggage we cannot seem to be rid of, a solution is often nearby, right in plain sight.  I am feeling out of sorts and think that I must do something spectacular to be rid of this emotional baggage.  Go on a holiday!  Shop!  Join some trendy organization.  When all I really need to do is clean my room, toss out old stuff in the refrigerator or food cabinet.  Take out the garbage or wash my car.  Take a slow walk rather than a hammer run.  And wear sunscreen!  How many times my mood changes, the day seems brighter and I am nicer to be around.  Well, at least the first two.  And none of those things cost money.  I am in a pretty good mood at the moment.  My car stays filthy.  

Loving Others

 I find it easier to live with people I love.  But I am more changed for the better when I love people with whom I live.  It is easier to work with people I love but more growth takes place in me when I love the people with whom I work.  In a monastery and rectory/parish, I don’t choose the people with whom I live and work.  I used to bemoan that, but now I see they are each gifts for my own personal growth.  For one, we are all crazy with idiosyncrasies, quirks and habits built up from life events previous to coming into my life.  It is only by cooperation with grace from a power greater than myself that I am able to be loving at all.  This of course is the cutting edge of growth.  I suspect I am weird to them too.  I have learned how to keep my mouth shut at just the right time while judgments dance in my emotional life and mind.  I have learned to be helpful when I just want to leave them in their own chaos as their just punishment for their actions or inactions.  They are never changed by all this, but I am.  Are we not in this world to be loving, to be our best selves rather than change everyone else?  So these people, the bane of my existence, are really gifts in my life.  Sometimes, I have too many gifts!

Intentions

 I would like to be judged by my intentions which are generally good.  I wake up each morning and make my good intentions for the day.  But, unfortunately, I am judged by my actions, which do not generally follow my intentions.  I wake up and decide I will not be judgmental or resentful today.  If my plans don’t work out I intend to accept it.  Then reality of other people’s actions, situations and general mayhem show up.  All my unplanned reality says hello and I say, #%&^.  Not good.  I act and think in a negative way.  My response to reality is way beneath my intentions made earlier.  So my prayer when I wake up is often, “Oh God, spare me from myself. And spare others from me should self-will and self-pity run riot.”  Well, at least I start out with rigorous honesty!

The Prodigal

 One of the strengths of recovery programs and religions when at their best, is that they do not judge the Prodigal.  The Prodigal is one who has left the group, gone off in some selfish and self-centered direction, or just fell into insane behavior.  The Prodigal slinks back, comes in stooped shouldered, self-judging, and tries to hide in the back, desperate for escape from their over-bearing misery.  A solid community simply welcomes them back, pays them some attention, with love and acceptance.  There is the story in the Bible called, "The Prodigal Son."  He leaves the family to live a dissolute life, and when he hits bottom he comes back full of shame and guilt.  The Father welcomes him back home.  But the elder brother does not welcome him back and condemns him for leaving the family and being selfish.  I try to be more like the father and less like the elder brother.  How about you? 

Be Loved

We can take steps to help us to avoid bad behavior, or lessen our bad behavior, but this is only part of recovering a solid spiritual connection.  We need to allow ourselves to be loved by whatever source is helping us to be better people.  For me it is the God I discovered through Jesus.  Thus this power for me is Love.  If I think I am worthless or am focused on shame and guilt about my past, recent of distant, then I won't have the wherewithal to allow myself to be loved.  Religions and recovery paths or programs are to lead us to have this deep spiritual connection, such that we experience being loved, simply because we are.  Some religions get off base when it says we are loved if we shape up, by our hard efforts.  Recovery programs get off base when they say you will be loved if you work the steps and stop your addiction.  It is all up to you.  I am too flawed to earn love, so I like my divine power that simply loves me.  I try each day to discover and enjoy this love.  

Amazement

 Amazement never really changed anyone from within.  Just because a drunk meets another recovered alcoholic does not mean that the drunk will change.  Amazed yes, but change no.  I meet people with whom I am amazed at their change, but I don’t change because of this encounter.  People are amazed at religious phenomena such as Resurrection of Jesus, Nirvana of the Buddha, but that does not change the person.  I can read about amazing events, but that does not change me.  Amazed yes, but action is more than amazement.  I need to do the hard work, maybe initiated or energized by the amazing encounter.  Only the inner, daily efforts, sometimes feeling like drudgery and even boring, will work on what needs to be changed.  Lots of people believe Jesus is raised and are amazed.  But they don’t do the work he proposed in his teachings.  Spiritual teachers are not out to amaze us, but to invite us.  Don’t settle for amazement.  

Noli Me Tangere

 “Don’t touch me,” Jesus says to Mary Magdalene when she happens upon him in the cemetery where he was buried.  What is that all about?  As someone said, it might be about mysticism.  The mystic never knows God in thought or words, never grasps God with assurances on that scale.  The mystic only knows God by love, more obscure than thoughts and words that attract the scientific age of today.  Many a Christian want to touch God to be assured of their faith, to decrease their fears of life.  That is why they like “things” to touch and see, such as crucifixes, holy cards, statues and such.  These appeal to the imagination and to the mind.  But for the mystic, to which Mary Magdalene is called, God can never be so touched with such physical assurance.  God can be loved and such love energies us to live out the teachings of Jesus found in the Gospels.  When Mary was following Jesus about, her life was changed and she loved him.  Now he, risen, calls her to a new and deeper life, the mystical, in which love becomes more profound, deeper, more transformative.  She will see and touch with an inner eye, and a soul touch.  So why am I in a monastery? “Noli Me Tangere.”  

Conversion

 I don’t so much pray and work for conversions to Christianity, as I pray for Christians to be converted to the Gospel.  When Jesus died on the cross, the sky was darkened and people came out of their graves and walked about.  What was that all about?  It was all about a New Beginning.  In Genesis, there was a void and then came the light.  All was darkness and then came creation.  So with the death of Jesus, there is darkness, then Resurrection, the new Light, this “do over” if you will, the new creation, so the dead get a second chance as well.  Easter is all about a second chance.  At what?  At living the gospel, the things Jesus taught us to do on a daily basis, that so few church going Christians seem to do.  It is easier to just believe Jesus rose and is God, than it is to live the teachings such as love your neighbor, your enemy, the whole Sermon on the Mount.  The Gospel was a whole new way of life, not about simple Pius worship and then live a narrow-minded, judgmental, fear-based life. Sometimes I think it would be better to have atheists living the gospel than believers ignoring what does not agree with their cultural upbringing.  Now for the quiz.  The Album “Thriller” had people rise from the grave and dance to music.  Who was the famous performer, singer, song writer who did the video for that album?  

The Second Mary

 So in Mark’s gospel there was a second Mary who went to the tomb with the more famous Mary of Magdalene.  By the time we get to John’s gospel, this second Mary has disappeared.  What happened? Alternative facts?  Whatever, she was not all that important to John.  Nor was the sun’s rising all that important to John.  In Mark the sun is risen but for John it is still dark.  I connect with this second Mary in Mark.  Over time she gets ignored or forgotten, but that does not change her experience of the resurrection, the empty tomb, the awe and mystery of it all.  So it is OK if I am ignored and forgotten because that does not change my experience of Jesus the risen one in my life.  I can still have the daily awe and mystery.  I still have faith which does not depend upon my importance in the world.  My ego gets crucified in being ignored and forgotten by the powers that be.  But my living as Jesus taught does not depend on what others think of me or don’t think of me at all.  It depends on my daily being in touch with the awe and the mystery of life, called eternal life.  That is the life Jesus is living.  

Awe And Mystery

 I like Mark’s Gospel ending the best.  It ends with verse 8 in chapter 16.  What is added later is done by others who can’t live well with awe and mystery.  I like the simplicity of awe and mystery.  The angel in the tomb simply says Jesus of Nazareth, crucified. This is what the two women knew.  Then the angel adds, he has been raised up and gone back to the beginning of the story, Galilee.  There is nothing about Divinity, Christ, Second Person of Trinity.  To me, Mark is saying that my life is to be lived according to the first 15 chapters of his gospel.  No matter what happens to me, I am challenged to keep living as Jesus taught me.  And when I die, it will not be the end for me.  Live like Jesus lived and I will die as he did, but it will not be the end. So many people emphasize the divinity of Jesus and then skip living like the first 15 chapters of Mark taught.  They just pray for Jesus to fix their lives, make thing miraculously better for them, in spite of bad behavior or behavior not fitting to the way Jesus lived.  Sort of worship Jesus but then ignore everyone who does not think, look like, and act like you.  For me, the raised up Jesus, loves the enemy, the neighbor you don’t like.  Now that is awe and wonder.  

Easter

 Well, it is Easter Sunday around here so I went out early while you were sleeping and looked up at the clear sky.  Magnificent at 8,000 foot altitude.  Lots of wonderful stars.  A vast universe and some Creative Power did all this.  I am in awe.  But is it possible that this same power became a little human being just like me, in some insignificant country, at a time when there was no indoor plumbing or electricity or internet?  And then got crucified because he would not play along with the religious and political powers that be?  And then today, Easter Sunday his grave was found empty, but he appeared alive to his friends?  If you say you are certain of this, then I guess you don’t need faith.  Faith and certainty don’t mix.  But I have faith that this Power did all the above.  I think this Power is calling me to stop the blog for now and sit quietly in meditation.  It is called feeding my faith.  How about you?

Feelings Follow

 Someone reminded me that you don't need to feel like forgiving in order to forgive.  It is an act of the will.  Feelings follow...eventually.  I try to keep this in mind.  My withholding forgiveness may not bother another person at all.  But it will bother me  I will host revenge, resentment, anger, judgment and other nasty "feelings."  In that case, forgiveness as an act of the will is to relieve me of some pain.  Then I can use a prayer to ask my spiritual power, God in this case, to help those feelings to giddy up and get here sooner rather than later.  My use of the will to forgive is to prevent me from doing something foolish to relieve my negative, bothersome feelings.  I cannot control my feelings very easily, but I can make use of my will.  And if I have some willpower at work, I am already better than I used to be.  

Direction

 Face the direction in which you are going.  It is actually a sign at an airport.  How many times I have been thrown off my path, bumped into something or someone, caused confusion, all because I was walking in one direction bu looking in another.  The worst is to be driving and fixing your rear view mirror or staring into it!  Yikes.  The spiritual path is the same way.  Avoid a focus on distractions.  If they do come up, let go and get back to your original purpose.  Take a zoom meeting on a spiritual topic or growing into fit spiritual condition.  You check into the meeting, and then instead of listening and participating, you go into checking your email or FB page.  Maybe the meeting is on your iPad and you go into your cell phone.  What you are doing is bumping into your self in its self-centered, self-imploded mode.  You contribute nothing to the virtual meeting and get nothing from it.  I confess.  Been there and done that.  Face the direction in which you are going.  

Economic Influences

Religion influences economics.  How so?  Well, when we had the Protestant Reformation in England, there was a group called, "Puritans."  They were not interested in Anglican High Church stuff that was too much Vatican for them.  Having the correct faith was what counted.  If you had the correct dogma then you were "in."  If not, look out.  Love of neighbor was not so big an issue, especially if neighbor was not Puritan.  So it was very much the individual with the correct dogma.  And each individual interpreted the Bible as they saw it.  A lot of individual here.  This is the 17th century and capitalism is not quite in its infancy.  But the idea of each individual free to do the best for themself was in the air.  Then comes Adam Smith in the 18th century and the idea of the "invisible hand."  If you are free to do your business/commerce, and do it the best as you can for yourself, an invisible hand will make it all good for everyone else.  Voila!  Capitalism.  And where did this system flourish? Here in what became the United States, the place where the Puritans came to be free to do their way of life.  The Indians, those who were here, were not into puritanism or private land ownership.  So those who say religion is nothing while making lots of money is everything, you might think again.  I think that Pope Francis is trying to steer religion into making a different kind of economics.  Those who think dogma, correct belief, is central, don't much care for Francis.    

The Indifferent

 You think it is hard to love your enemies?  Yes, but I find it harder to love those who are indifferent to me.    I can try to be reconciled to the enemy.  There is something that is between us, that is getting in the way of relationship.  Maybe it is custom, or history, or ethnicity or sexuality, but usually something that makes us "enemy."  Whereas those who are indifferent to me, what is there to reconcile?  They don't avoid me or are unkind in any specific way.  They simply don't seem to care that I exist at all, and act at time as if I am not even present.  The enemy excludes someone.  The different ignore.  At least when you are an enemy you are somebody.  So I find it harder to love those who are indifferent to me.  The indifferent person is not hateful.  Indifference too often means that I am not significant enough for someone to have a strong feeling about me one way or the other.  I ry to avoid being indifferent to another person.   Oh, and Happy April Fool's Day!