End Of Year

 Where did 2021 go? Well, here is an end of year thought.  One time, Jesus was in the middle of a packed house.  Full capacity.  Some guys come along with a friend on a stretcher.  Can’t get in.  So they go up onto the roof, rip it open and lower the stretcher and man into center of room right under the nose of Jesus.  They never asked for anything.  Most people think they wanted Jesus to do something for their friend, like heal him.  Why?  Maybe their friend just wanted to listen, and did not really want anything else.  I find too often, that I pray because I want something.  Less frequently, I pray just to be in the presence of my God, Power, One, and listen.  So that is my parting 2021 thought.  God is with you.  Let it be enough.  Be still.  Listen.  Oh, and go to bed early and sober.  

Birthdays

 I think today is the birthday of Carol Ann Kennedy, who has another last name now.  I remember some birthdays besides my family.  I remember my college roommates birthday, and a friend I met in the seventh grade, and one of my Paulist associates when I was in Knoxville.   There are a few others too and they all had some significance in my life I guess, at a certain time.  I learned from them.  I am what I am today in part because of people in my life.  Now, hardly anyone remembers my birthday.  My insignificance will keep me humble.  Humility is a good thing.  So don’t get upset if no one remembers your birthday.  Spiders have to live someplace making their cobwebs.  Why not your mailbox?  

Walk Away

 Some people ask me why I left everything of my work in parishes and came to the monastery, this out of the way place.  Well, as I see it, Jesus, who I am supposed to be following, was rather busy making a living as a carpenter.  He made stuff for people and helped to build houses, repair houses, help in the fields at harvest time, and was an eldest son in the family.  Then he went to the desert.  Maybe he started out with short visits for some solitude and silence.  But eventually he went.  It is where John the Baptist found him.  And from there Jesus knew what to do next.  Back in Nazareth, his hometown, many thought he was crazy.  Follow your heart.  

A Plan

 We are coming up on "New Year's Resolutions."  I met a guy once, who said to me, "I have decided to stop drinking."  I said, "What is your plan?"  His plan was to stop going to bars and avoid the liquor store.  That is not a plan.  That is like someone who plants a seed in rocky soil, and does not water it.  It is magical intentions.  Gardening is daily work and not always easy.  If you don't stay on top of it, the weeds, critters in the ground will win out and you will have a mess.  If you intend to be a gardener, maybe get some advice on how to do it from someone who does it well.  So if you are going to make a resolution for 2022, "What is your Plan?"

Hiding

 I have a disconnect between interior behavior and exterior behavior and it shows up most embarrassingly when I am at worship services.  I look good on the outside, praying with the monks or presiding at mass, but my crazy mind is all over the place with judgments and resentments and what not.  I will be listening to the words in the ritual, and have a thought, that will trigger other thoughts, that trigger scenes in my imaginings, and then suddenly I will come back into the presence of the ritual and find I missed a lot.  My body never moved, but my mind whet hither and yon.  Ever have that happen to you, driving, at work, in a room of people, at a meeting?  Are we crazy or what?  Well, at least we are physically there.  That counts for something.  And we get to exercise humility.  

Rock Or Sand

There is a wisdom story about where one builds their house, on rock or sand.  It is easier and softer to build on sand than rock but when bad weather comes, storms, floods, wind, the house on sand blows away.  It only hold us in the good times.  So it is with faith, recovery, or commitment to anything of deep value.  I meet many a person who had religious faith early in life, child-like, but when tough times came in the growing up years, they abandoned faith.  God did not come through for them.  And there are people in the pink cloud of recovery when things are going their way.  Then the tough times come, real life troubles, and they go back to their first solution, addictive stuff.  I have to watch myself and make sure that my commitment is "for better or for worse, in good times and in bad."  This is the house built on rock.  

Merry Christmas!

It is very early in the morning now and I am just out of bed, getting ready for our Vigil prayers in the darkness of the chapel.  Like a good child, I went to sleep last night, trusting and hoping that Santa would not pass our monastery by in these remote mountains.  I hung my empty red stocking up downstairs before I went to bed.  I have hope that Santa left me something.  But no matter what, I intend to have a good day.  Why?  Because it is not up to others to make my day good for me.  It is not their job.  Like Santa, they might have other priorities, and thinking about me and my serenity is not in their purview.  Serenity, peace and joy is my job, and I no longer try to do it alone.  I have a Power that today shows its presence in a manger as a baby.  What a gift.  Never alone.  

A Row

 I like the phrase, “One day at a time.”  I am supposed to work at some spiritual growth for this 24 hours.  Unfortunately, I missed something here too often.  One day at a time also means, “in a row.”  I will do a good job of a spiritual practice one day, but then not so good or mostly ignore any interior attention, exercise, eating right and so on for a few days.  Talk about trudging.  So for today, I will try to keep the “in a row” part of this one day at a time saying in my practice.  What I did yesterday was good for yesterday but it won’t work very well for today.  I am a 24 hour guy.  

A Light

During this "Advent" season I have done a nightly examination of conscience, a review of the day and my actions.  The candle is a reminder that I want to be a light in the life of those around me who might be having a bit of a tough day.  I want to be a light in the darkness, especially this time of year when we have so little sunlight.   During the day, I am from time to time reminded of my goal to be a light.  Unfortunately, this reminder too often comes after I have been into bad thinking or worse, action.  Trudging along.  

Mis-Fit

 I like the joke and word play on fitness.  A mis-fit is someone who is not so fit.  They are missing fitness.  It is good to know when I am mis-fit, as opposed to being clueless about any fitness.  Some people care not at all for any kind of fitness, spiritual or physical.  So each day I try to check on my fitness, physical and spiritual.  I stretch, walk/jog/elliptical type stuff, and pray.  I try to avoid being a mis-fit on a daily basis.  Good balance.   

Gratitude

I sometimes fine myself fretting that my income from zoom teaching is not what it used to be.  Financially, things are not so great.  But then I have to remind myself that I am still working at my teaching.  This is what I did before Covid and the Monastery.  So I am still able to work.  This brings me to gratitude which is a nice thing to replace worry or fear.   

Insanity

 My normal way of thinking and feeling is insane.  I know this because I can spend a considerable amount of time and energy in a day being bothered and resentful of stuff around me that is not going to change.  But I am enjoying moments when I do change, and become sane.  I accept the way people are and the way things are that I cannot control. Thoughts that begin with, “If only” drop away from my brain.  I stop talking to myself.  Sometimes sanity just comes.  Other times I work at it when I become aware that I am insane.  I am having a sane moment now.  When it passes, I know the way back to sanity and that in itself is a grace.  

Awareness

 Our corridors, called Cloisters at the monastery, are very cold in the winter.  Winter is long here.  My first winter here I was quite aware of this whenever I walked through the corridors or hallways.  It took center place in my thoughts.  So I grumbled.  I was not ready, prepared to accept this is the way things are here.  Cold cloisters and hallways.  But then, over time, my second winter here, I am aware that it is cold, but I don’t really spend time thinking about it.  Cold corridors don’t take up space in my head.  It no longer seems to bother me, though it is still cold.  This is what I hear is called, “living life on life’s terms.”  No grumbling.  

Annual Plans

 This week will end with Christmas next Saturday.  With the Coronavirus lots of plans are changed.  Lots of stores are closed on Christmas, unlike Yom Kippur or Ramadan.  But we are used to that.  The ski slopes are open if you can get to them.  One of the big changes that is virus related is the movie plan.  Lots of people, especially single or without family on that day, go to a movie, on Christmas afternoon or evening.  Hollywood puts out new blockbuster movies on Christmas Eve just for this occasion.  Christmas is a reminder that things are no longer the same.  But that was the origins of the event called Christmas.  Things were no longer going to be the same.  A new, unexpected, and unplanned event had happened in the world.  It took a virus to bring us to this same feeling.  I try to keep the original in mind.  

Groundhog Day

 The idea of “Groundhog Day,” is that you keep doing the same things each day in the same order.  It is routine.  Prayer can be a form of ground hogging.  Do it every day and about the same time.  This can be a good routine.  But there can be motives for routine that are not so good.  Fear and a lack of self-worth.  You have to accomplish things, never taking time out for rest or relaxation, because you fear something bad will happen, or your self-worth is based completely on getting things done.  One routine that deals with fear and anxiety is drinking as an addiction.  Drugs and food too.  It is the routine of escape rather than relaxation.  If something relaxes us, like a good walk we don’t feel the need to do it again and again the same day.  Addictions are repetitive in the same day.  So ask yourself the purpose of your routines?

Available

 When I am cooking or baking, things don't always go as planned.  Even hopes get dashed.  So I take solace in at least being the one who is doing the cooking or baking.  When life does not go my way, I have to accept life on life's terms, but be available for others, to be of service, to fill a void and might be a way of being helpful.  It takes the sting out of things not going my way.  Why should my way be the way at all?  Stuff happens.   Service in Action negates resentment, self-pity or ego deflation.  I would rather have life on life's terms when I am trying to be available, helpful, rather than when I am being all about me.  

Committee

 I have committee meetings everyday.  I don't have to go anywhere, nor schedule these meetings.  They take place in my head.  Those attending the meeting, figments, but real in their energy to upset me, are very demanding and pointed.  Anger sits at the table.  So does judgment, resentment, self-pity, fear, and finally the chairperson, self-will run riot.  The committee meets regularly more or less, depending on my spiritual condition at the time.  Their purpose is to guarantee a strong bond to self.  That is life is all about me or us as the committee is included.  Is this insane?  Yes.  So daily I have to have a prayer life to free me from insanity.  That is the God job.  Otherwise, my life remains unmanageable left in my own hands.  

Choices

 How many times have we said, "I cannot be on time because...".  If you cannot be on time, as someone said, why not be early?  It means making choices.  Can I give up the so called "important" thing that makes me show up at something late?  Why if my being early would help another person?  True, you may be helping a person that causes you to be late, but does it have to be every time?  I find that I have to make choices and adjustments.  I have to evaluate how necessary I am that it would cause me to be late for some event, meeting, that I think is important for myself.  I need to take care of myself if I am going to be of use to others.  So I try to be early, for my benefit and that of someone who might benefit by my early presence.  

The Cost

 I hear some church-goers say that they are "persecuted" or ridiculed for believing in their antiquated faith.  Then they look down their noses at those who don't agree with their brand of religion.  This is especially noted in the more fundamentalist groups, the true believers. But I wonder if these same people would still be professing and worshipping at church if the cost was their very life itself?  The real persecuted martyrs did just that.  They said yes to their faith, publicly, and were executed, often brutally.  I have to ask myself, what price will I pay to stay a true witness to what I believe?  And you?

Guadalupe

Yesterday was a big day for many Mexican people.  It was the Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe.  A native Indian of what is now Mexico saw a vision of a woman, who looked like him, native, brown skin.  Over time, many Mexicans came to pray to Mary.  For them, the one who wears the pants in heaven is a woman.  When it comes to someone who has compassion, patience, willingness to listen and help the downtrodden, women usually seem to have those qualities.  Men, not so much.  For many, Guadalupe is a bigger feast than Christmas.  So I try to remember this, since I am a guy.  Am I compassionate, patient, and willing to listen to someone who can do nothing for me that I want?  I try to keep Mary in mind as I go through my day.  

Useful

 From time to time I check on myself to see if my motive for doing something is more to be useful or to be praised.  It is OK to be praised, say for vacuuming the rugs, but it is better from a spiritual growth perspective to be doing the same work to be useful.  So I will ask myself, am I being useful?  What if no one praises me?  Will I still do the vacuuming?  I have found that I am better connected, more communal, with others if I am doing something primarily to be useful. This way, life is not all about me.  

Unseen Generosity

Have you ever tried to do something generous without being noticed or praised?  When I cook at the monastery or bake, especially desserts, I am generous, but also praised.  It is hard to do generous things for  those  around you, without it being noticed.  That is why I think praying for others not around you is a wonderful way to be generous without being praised.  It can keep us right-sized while doing good.  People somewhere else do not know we are praying for them, unless we make it a point to tell them.  So I try to pray for people I don't know or see, such as the homeless, the covid-sick, the refugee.  These are not useless prayers, if they help to change me from being an ego focused person.   

The Widow's Mite

The widow's mite refers to "giving one's all."  Should I ever have a chance for reflection on my death bed, that is, I don't have a sudden death experience, what will I wish I had given more of myself to?  I wish I had spent more time in the gym?  I wish I had spent more time on the internet?  Amassing an empire?  A hobby?  The golf course?  Jogging?  Writing blogs?  No, I probably would say, "I wish I had given myself more time at prayer," since it does seem that I might very well be on the way out of this life as I know it.  I would rather not have such regrets on my deathbed.  I'd rather be content, free from fear, knowing that I did give myself to that prayer time.  So I had better get off this computer.  I keep my blogs short so you can have more time for prayer, should you so choose.   

Moderate

 One place where "moderate" does not work out too well is things which are "important."  Nothing is moderately important.  Either it is important and we do  it or it is not important and we ignore it.  You might say, "Oh, that is not very important," so you ignore it.  How often do you clean your room?  Organize your cupboard?  So it is with the spiritual life and its practice.  A spiritual practice is never moderately important.  You either do it, or you don't.  To say, "Oh, I do pray, occasionally," is really not a spiritual practice.  It is more like rotating your car tires.  You do it when you really have to,  but rotating your tires is not a practice.  For me, to pray with earnest consistency, prayer must be very important.  Or else it is not important at all.  

Immaculate Conception

 In my tradition, today is the Feast of the Immaculate Conception.  What is that?  Well, it points to the idea that God has plans for us before we even know the plans.  We come into this world with a specific purpose.  Our job is to find that purpose and live it out.  This is the point of the spiritual life.  Mary was born quite free from the normal foibles that beset the rest of us.  So she was conceived without the usual shortcomings that seem to be seeded within all of us, just waiting to come out.  Anyhow, God had plans for her to later conceive God in the flesh, God become human, in my tradition.  A point, for those who believe or don't believe, is that The Plan for each life, in this case Mary's, is already happening, when we are conceived, but we don't know it at that time.  A spiritual life allows the plan to unfold until one day, we come to know why we are here.  Without a spiritual life, we just try to copy some other life, which is really a waste.  We cannot be anyone else, and be fulfilled.  

Two Bad

If your car won't start because your battery is dead, adding a second dead battery won't start the car.  Right?  Obvious?  Then why do so many people whose life is a mess, pair up with another person  whose life is also a mess, in the hopes of getting started on a better life?  People tend to pair up with like people.  Addicts go for addicts, for instance.  Not only does one's life not get better.  It gets worse.  Whenever I think my life is falling into chaos, I try to find people who don't have my chaos, and who have found out how to live a smoother running life.  

Bring It

 I hear people sometimes say that they did not get anything out of an event, a meeting, a worship service, a class.  I have learned that it is not so much what I get from something as to what I bring to something.  When I mediate, it is less to get something from it.  What do I bring to the meditation?  Gratitude?  Openness?  Truly listening?  When life is all about me, I don’t get much.  

Patient

Why do we call someone undergoing medical treatment a “patient?”  It comes from the same root word for the virtue of patience.  The patient is undergoing some experience that is anywhere from inconvenient to painful, but in the hopes that the treatment will lead to a happier conclusion or healing.  I find that things happen in my life that are irritating, or painful, and I know that I need patience to get through it all as best I can.  I cannot prevent the suffering, but a patient attitude can make me a better person, take stress off of the one treating me, and even help in the healing.  Attitude can have a healing effect.  Attitude participates in better or worse results, depending on our level of patience.   

Apple Pie

 Recently, I made my first apple pie from scratch.  The dough is really hard to get right and directions can help to a point.  Living at 8,000 altitude can have an effect.  Anyhow, I followed a couple of cook book recipes, compared and contrasted, and then went to work.  The crust did not look so good as in the pictures or bakery shops.  But wow, did it taste good.  The monks were so happy that they did an especially good job of cleaning up the kitchen, considering I baked bread, made french fries on the stovetop, Lima beans on stovetop, and rock fish baked in the oven.  So I guess with pies, it is not how it looks on the outside but how it tastes on the inside that counts.  So too with us.  Work on the insides.  

Separation Education

Helen Miller was the first girl I recall being around in the Bronx that was not my sisters.  Helen and I were BICs, Bronx Irish Catholics.  She had red hair and freckles and wore a cowgirl outfit when I wore my cowboy outfit.  So we were not strangers, but we were.  Catholic school kept us away from one another.  There were no mixed classes of boys/girls.  But of all I learned, no one taught me how to talk to girls like Helen when we were kids.  Education had missing parts.  I wish someone had said to Helen and I, here is what to do.  "Show interest."  Ask questions of the other person.  "Helen, do you go to the movies at all?  What is your favorite food?  What time do you go to bed at night?  What is your favorite color?  Favorite game?"  This would have been easy stuff, but no one taught me.  So I became a priest.  If I had it taught to me in class, I might have married Helen.  There are consequences to what you don't learn.  Children don't know what they don't know.  A good job for grandparents.  

Adult Wisdom

For a kid, Adult Wisdom is hard to fathom.  Our Bronx apartment building had apartments on three sides, six stories high.  The three walls all faced a courtyard in the middle that opened out onto the sidewalk and then the street.  On two sides of the courtyard there were low green bushes, a kid could jump over, and then green grass and finally against the walls, bigger bushes or small trees.  Lots of green.  Lots of families, and so lots of kids.  Adults wanted children, but they did not want them to act like children in the courtyard.  Kids make noise, and noise was forbidden in the courtyard, along with walking on the grass or jumping over bushes.  The courtyard was to be looked at as you walked back and forth to apartment entrances.  The courtyard was a good place to play, but we had to go onto the sidewalk and play our games, hopscotch, jump rope, and such.  Or we could play in the street which we would share with cars, traffic.  Adults did not want us run over by a car, but they would not let us play in the safer courtyard. For a kid, this meant that it was better to be run over by a car than to make noise in the courtyard.  The rules of adult thinking have consequences.  Kids are noisy.  That is what makes a kid in most cases.  

Change Direction

Meditation and booze have something in common.  Both can change my attitude.  If I walk into a room and feel like a no-fitting-in person, somewhat isolated and lonely, I can take a few shots and then I feel like I belong.  Everyone is my friend.  For a while.  Meditation changes my mind too.  I can feel restless, irritated, monkey-mind full of thoughts, but when I meditate, however I do that, my thinking seems to change much of the time.  I have more peace.  I readjust my sense of priorities.  I feel more connected.  And I don't get a hangover or sour tummy.