NewYear's Eve

 Well, if you are going to make a resolution it might be that you don't live in a bubble in 2021.  Routines yes, bubbles no.  Mary, the mother of Jesus lived in routines, but was open to change when something unusual or different came up.  I wish there was a holy card that was real about Mary.  The ones I see, when the angel comes to announce Jesus is coming, show her in her Sabbath best outfit, reading a bible and not a bead of sweat on her head.  A real Jewish girl in small town Nazareth, lower class income would not be doing that as a routine.  Mary would have been cleaning, sewing, shopping, cooking, washing and such.  I don't doubt that she read her bible and prayed like other girls, but it makes prayer be the only time God can interrupt your life.  "I am going to pray now God, so you can come and do your thing."  I like the idea of God interrupting Mary in her household routines.  It shows she can stop and ponder, ask questions and then give an answer.  She is not stuck in a bubble.  Anyhow, that is 2021 resolution for me, to be open to change and not get stuck in a rut.  

Reading And Living

 When I read the writings of monks, spiritual masters, men and women, I am struck by their depth and insight.  If I were to go to a monastery I would expect to hear this kind of talk among the monks.  It would be one of the attractions for a person who is drawn to a more contemplative life.  But if you do not find that in a monastery then I don’t think you are likely to be nourished by the presence of others who live there.  I, for instance, would be interested in a monastery that talks about prayer from the monk’s personal experience.  If I don’t hear any of that when monks get together, if they get together, than I would find that puzzling.  Thomas Merton, if I recall correctly, felt that the monks at his monastery were simply introverts and not contemplatives, some of whom might fit into yesterday’s blog about monks who live in bubbles.  So if a newcomer arrives, after Covid, I think I would need to talk to him about prayer, contemplative prayer, rather than what I do around the house in work or how beautiful the nature scene is outside.  If you are joining a monastery because of the pretty scenery, I don’t think you will become a monk of what Thomas Merton was looking for.  

The Bubble

 I don’t want to live in a bubble.  To live in a bubble is where you can live with others, but be alone in your bubble.  How does this work?  Well, you find a way to get what you want without needing to deal with the other people with whom you live any more than is necessary.  You are not a community, but rather separate bubbles in the same house or monastery.  Bubble is not the same as routine.  In routine, when something comes up that should have attention, but is not part of your routine, you break the routine to attend to it.  In a bubble, you just ignore it.  Delayed maintenance is the result of people living in bubbles. I have seen monks who I think live in their bubble.  Bubbles are never much open to the distraction of new people coming in.  Thus, too many bubble monks and the monastery will die.  Bubble monks only live with others for the sake of convenience.  They don’t care to deal personally with all the things that make a household function.  So they don’t become hermits.  A hermit has to cook, clean, shop and avoid delayed maintenance.  A cenobitic monastery is supposed to be a community of monks living together which is a lot different than living alone with others.  More on this tomorrow, but I try to avoid living in a bubble.  

Solitude

 Solitude is something you ultimately have to do by yourself.  It does not mean that you have to be all by yourself, alone, but even if you are with others in a meditation room, each one of you is pursuing the deepening journey by yourself.  Nor does being alone mean that you are in solitude.  One can be by oneself, with a busy mind or fantasizing as escape from the now of you alone.  A mediation book, a bible, Vedanta, Tao Ta Ching, Sutra can be a lead in to solitude.  The book is not solitude, but a preliminary, a bridge from busy mind, to a focused mind, to then letting go of being in charge of your spiritual growth.  This is when the book is put aside, the prayer words, the petitions are all let go, and you are taken into the deep darkness where an Energy takes over.  It may be peaceful, but maybe not since you are not in charge of the results of this encounter.  In solitude you may get away from the world's problems as you see them, but you will most likely have to face "you" are the primary problem.  This part of solitude is the way of purification.  I seem to be there a lot at this time.  I am the problem. Yikes!

Christiana

Christiana lived in the 12th century, but had an issue that many saw as problematic, then, as well as today.  She wanted to remain single and even a virgin.  This ran counter to her parents' wishes.  She had all sorts of problems and obstacles in trying to claim her spiritual identity.  She was forced into a betrothal and her parents even encouraged her suitor to take her by force.  Even a church court told her to marry.  She finally escaped, and hid in a cramped hole for four years. Yikes!  In the end her fiancé and family relented and let her pursue her vocation.  She became a nun and then an abbess in a monastery.  In today's terms, she wanted to be "single," a word that says loser  for many a young woman.  Single means that you are in some sort of transition for many people who say they are 'Single."  But for many it is the way they want  to deepen their spiritual life.  Many people think they can best deepen their life through marriage and family or partnering.  But not everyone.  If it is the life for you, single, don't let the world shame you, though the world may try to do exactly that, sometimes, those closest to you.  Such was Christiana's problem.   

Boston

 OK all you Bostonians, Red Sox fans, and Scrod eaters, did you know that the name of your city is quite Spiritual?  Not like the name "York" for that home of the Yankees.  Boston means "Botulf's Stone."  Way back in the 7th century there was an English monk/priest who was given land to build a monastery.  The land was thought to be demon infested, like many New Yorkers think of Boston today, because it was in a remote and marshy spot that no one else could find useful.  Anyway, Botulf was quite a holy master and drew guys from the region to become monks and help finish the monastery construction.  In time, the Danes came along and destroyed the place.  Stones remained lying around on the ground.  Thus one of them was called Botulf's Stone.  And there you have the roots of Boston.  I hope Santa was good to Boston.  Santa did find the monastery.  

Christmas

This Christmas I am giving thanks to God for the unexpected which is in keeping with the unexpected event of God the Baby in the manger.  Covid is a mess of course, but because of it I ended up at this monastery for the long stay.  I had thought about staying here more, but never did it.  I was too busy with "my ministry."  I was traveling about from church to church and rectory to rectory.  Then it all ended and I finally did what I probably would not have done on my own.  So the 2020 stay at the monastery is unexpected but also a grace, just like God the baby in the manger.  Now Jesus grew up and did fantastic things.  I have no such plans.  I am just taking it one grace-filled day at a time.  I hope that today can be a grace-filled day for you, maybe with some unexpected things to expand your horizons.  You are not alone. Somebody loves you. Me!

Christmas Eve

I am thinking of the baby Jesus as many of us do at this time of year.  An infant is taking its first breathes outside the womb.  According to the bible, the very first breath was taken by Adam in Genesis and the Garden of paradise.  He got that breath from The First Breath.  So all the way down to me, each breath that I take is a breath of The First Breath, the breath of the Creator of all this stuff I see in the night sky universe.  So how do I use this breath that is so freely given and is supposed to be so sacred?  Do I breathe fury, anger, unkind words of judgment, either muttering to myself or criticizing others?  Do I breathe quietly with my mouth closed while I listen with compassion to the pain, suffering, anxiety, or woundedness in others?  Do I spend anytime each day, with a quiet breath in meditation?  Well, now that I realize that my breathing is a gift to me, I want to use it as a gift to that First Breath, and then to others in relationship.  Oh, and leave something out for Santa.  It is a busy night for Santa, I hope.  

A Broken Toy

 What if someone gave you a broken toy for Christmas.  Would you toss it away?  Be angry that it is broken?  Never pay it any mind?  Or would you love on it?  While you are musing on your response, think of yourself as a broken something, a used up, second hand something.  God loves on you.  We are all a bit broken in one way or another and God is wanting to love on us.  Sometimes love is enough for fixing us.  At this time, a few days before some of us celebrate God coming into a broken world in God's own small, out of the way, Way, I think of myself as being put together by self-giving infinite love.  And for you non-believers, what if this Jewish baby really is God?  If I believe such a thing to be real, than I had better step up my loving of broken people.  That is one reason I do these blogs!

Thanksgiving

 As I look over this season, I have come to realize that Thanksgiving, four weeks ago, was a turning point for me here at the monastery.  Before that, I would try and “schedule” silence and solitude, not just around me, but within me.  I would try to quiet my thoughts, my restless and critical mind.  But Thanksgiving Day was different this year than any other.  Yes, there was the gathering for turkey dinner, conversation, cleaning up together and all, but before and after that, there was a silence I never experienced any previous Thanksgiving.  No football on TV, or newspapers, or lots of conversation.  And the silence, at first strange, then became something I fell into.  It seemed natural, an ongoing part of me, unscheduled.  After we all cleaned up in mid-afternoon, I never spoke another word until I went to bed.  I did not feel the need to “go to prayer time.”  I was “in” rather than with the Presence.  And I am calmer for it.  I would not call this an “arrival” as that would indicate the journey is over.  

Little By Little

 Well, my Christmas is approaching.  I thought that I would be in better spiritual shape than I am.  I could dwell on this and just have a bad day of self-reproach, which is often false pride disguised.  Instead, I look at myself and see that I am not as bad as I used to be.  I am not what I once used to be on a regular basis of self-centeredness and resentment.  I complain less.  I am more accepting of others.  I find pleasure in a winter day that used to be too cold, too dreary, too sunless, too much darkness.  As the famous quote goes, “I am not what I want a to be, but I am not what I used to be.”  Enjoy the hidden progress.  

Winter Solstice

 Yikes, Christmas week is here!  Tomorrow, at 6:30 AM it will be the Winter Solstice, which for us in my Hemisphere, means lots of  darkness.  The monastery sits between two high hills, so we get very little sunshine at this time.  But I think of Santa up at the North Pole, where the sun shines not this time of year.  He is working in the dark, beginning to pack the sled, or Santa Elves are doing the heavy lifting.  Santa is checking on the reindeer, making sure they are healthy and well fed for the journey.  And of course, Rudolph has to have that shiny red nose to lead the others.  Now if I were a good Christian I would be thinking more about the baby Jesus than what might be packed into Santa's sled.  My big Sis, Maureen, told me that if I were thinking more about what Santa was bringing me, than I was thinking about the coming of the baby Jesus, I would definitely burn.  Well, I got a few days to get it right.  How about you?  

Widow's Mite

 There is a story in the Bible about a widow who gives two small coins into the temple treasury.  It is all she has.  The rich give a lot more, but it is from their surplus.  They still have plenty left.  The point?  For me, I sometimes am like the widow.  I have very little to give to God, but then, unlike the widow,  I don't give God anything.  I say, "This is too little to give."  Like what? Time.  Enthusiasm. Faith. Focus.  I say at times that I am so scattered, empty of feelings for prayer or God or love.  My shortcomings are overwhelming me.  Maybe later God.  Then I recall the widow.  I then give God what little I have, but I give all of my little.  It is tough to pray when things are not going your way, but it may be the best of times for transformation.  Think Gratitude.  It dissipates a lot of our mess.  

Barren Times

Why get upset about the Fall changing into Winter?  I look at all the barren tree branches, the lack of color, except for white on the ground and hillsides.  It is muddy and cold.  It used to be pleasant Fall temps and good runny roads.  But do I not pray for change in me?  Yes, but I want the change to be agreeable to me, like a Florida change, minimal.  But I suspect God has other plans, and my whining just gets in the way.  God made late Fall/early Winter to remind me that change can be challenging on a daily basis.   

The Star(s)

 From 8,000 feet elevation we get two things, very cold winters and clear sky for star-gazing.  Jupiter and Saturn are now so close together that with the naked eye they look like one star and of course very bright.  And at Christmas too!  Wow.  But with binoculars I can see both planets separate but close together.  Now in Florida where you are at sea level and lots of haze, you may see nothing.  In New York you are getting a Nor’easter, so forget stars.  But if you have a clear sky go out soon after sunset or else the planets will go below the horizon if you wait.  Here it was about 6:00 PM, but maybe 6:30 would have worked too.  We have mountains so we cannot delay.  I remember hearing about a bright star when Jesus was born.  Well, here we are, astronomical history or not, Christmas and a bright star, or two planets flying by.  Both work for me.  But it was really cold outside.  

Don't Judge

 Recently I mixed a batter of bread dough and kneaded it, let it rise and noticed that it rose quite fast.  Oh well, whatever.  I let it rise again and it rose even faster.  i tried to pound it down, but it seemed to stay, massive.  I put the bowl of dough into the refrigerator to get some more flavor.  Disaster struck.  I got a message that the bread dough was overflowing the bowl, oozing down the shelves and onto the refrigerator floor.  What a mess.  I took the bowl out with the dough flowing down the outside of the bowl.  I cleaned up the refrigerator and decided that this thing IS Alive!  A MONSTER.  I felt like Doctor Frankenstein.  i decided to bake this bread before it messed up anything else.  I said to myself, "I am a worthless monk.  I cannot do anything right."  I figured the bread, a French Loaf, would turn out to be mediocre if anything.  There was still so much dough left, in spite of all that had spilled, I filled three baking trays and one bowl.  I had to bake it forever to get it to bake fully.  It turned out to be the best French Bread I had made so far.  Never judge, especially yourself.  Baking is an art, and one is never fully in control.  

Zooming

 Some people say that they don’t like zoom or they have zoom fatigue.  I have this myself at times.  Zoom is not a normal way to interact.  It is not in person.  Cell phone talking seems to have become normal.  But when I say that I am tired of zooming, I ask myself, “But am I being helpful to someone else?”  If the answer is yes, and it always seems to be, then I give up normalcy to be helpful to others.  Even when we get a vaccine and can meet in person, I think Zoom should stay around for shut-ins, the elderly and others who cannot drive, bad weather, sickness that keeps one at home.  It is a way to meet the challenge of isolation.  So I zoom on.  

Right Sized

 A truly humble person, when praised for the good she did, said, “You are raising too much wind for this poor dust.”  I like that.  I want to remain quiet dust held together by love, and not be blown about by the need for a kind of praise and recognition that might make me too prideful.  What is too prideful?  I begin to think I am better than others around me.  And I begin to forget that it is not my own self-power that led me to do some good deed.  On my own I mess up.  But with the power of God, as I understand God, I can be quite useful to the world around me.  I can bring joy and not criticism or cynicism.  

We Phone

 Someone said that the cell phone is called an “i” phone and not a “we” phone.  True I use it for a lot of individual stuff, searching, reading, buying and so forth.  But I need to make it a we phone too in my spiritual endeavors.  Why? For one, I need to connect with a world of persons larger than myself, and two, in that connection be of some help, some support, some communal giving.  I have a prayer group that I connect with.  We meditate, listen to a reading and share.  I meet with one or two people on zoom or cell phone to be of service and I meet with an online zoom group that is trying to grew in the spiritual life.  And I connect with friends and family on line.  This all helps me to stay “we” connected.  

Solitude

 The difference between loneliness and solitude is that when I am in solitude, I never feel alone, nor uncomfortable.  Many people avoid solitude because they mix it up with loneliness, and thus they feel lonely and uncomfortable.  I have been blessed with solitude being the answer to my loneliness.  Not everyone is so blessed, or makes this connection.  I have walked down a corridor and suddenly felt lonely.  I then went into the chapel and sat, alone, and the loneliness seeped away.  This has been the case as long as I can recall.  Many people don’t even know they are lonely or won’t admit to it.  It might make them feel like a loser.  Such people seek activity, busyness, projects, noise, chatter in groups, or some addictive substance.  Been there, did that.  When with people, I have gotten over the impulse to talk a lot, in order to feel I fit in.  I can just be with, be part of and that is enough.  Covid does limit interaction.  See how things go after the vaccine comes around to me and to you.  

The Marble

 I think of a block of marble as being in its comfort zone as simply a block of marble.  Then the artist comes along and begins to chisel away.  The marble is upset.  It wants to be left as a block of marble.  But the artist sees something more within the block of marble.  The block of marble is uncomfortable being chiseled away.  Transformation is like this.  I am the block of marble and would prefer my comfort zone as this, but God sees more and chisels away at me to reveal the “more” that can be a blessing for the world around me.  When I meditate, am helpful to another, forgive, accept, have patience and compassion, I am being chiseled away, bit by bit.  It is the discomfort of being taken out of my comfort zone.  My comfort zone is more a place of mediocrity.  God the Artist, the Chiseler.  

Loneliness

 I have always had a lonely streak in me.  I recall it from when I was a boy in the Bronx.  I had a friend named Paul.  I wanted to be like “best friends” sort of thing, but there was another boy across the street named Frankie.  When they got together either I was not invited or when with them, I did not feel I fit in. I think they were cousins of some sort.  When we moved to White Plains, the suburbs, it was summer.  A kid has a hard time fitting in with new kids in the summer.  They all had their relationships.  I did what I could, but I had those lonely blues.  When I went to school, it was a new school for me and 7th grade.  All the kids had years together.  I tried.  I think I enjoyed High School and College because everyone started out together and I had some friends from High School in College.  I felt that I fit in.  Summers were lonely and the post school of work was lonely.  I never really fit into the world of corporate business.  It all struck my loneliness streak.  Fast forward to the monastery.  It is a good fit here.  Rarely, so far, has the loneliness streak been tapped.  I am never lonely in deep meditation.  This may be why I believe there is a God.  I wonder if God ever gets lonely?  I give God time and attention on a daily basis, just in case.  

The Inner Eye

I like the image of my soul having an eye.  Whenever my mediation is deepened enough, the outer eye, though closed in stillness and silence, does not give up looking about in thoughts and images.  Then suddenly, it gives up or let's go and the inner eye of the soul breaks through the veil that separates me from the God beyond my understanding.  To see with the inner eye, the eye of the soul, is to see nothing that satisfies thoughts or images. But beyond the veil is All.  And then I am in peace, searching no more.   

My Place

 When I pray for what I want, it often means that I do not like my place in the universe.  When I pray for what I need I am comfortable with my place in the universe.  Sometimes there are surprises in real life that affect my plans and my wants, but that does not automatically mean I am not getting what I need.  I sometimes want to be more of the center of stuff, but that might not fit my needs.  I know what I want, but do not always know what I need.  So I pray for that which I do not know, my needs.  That is real faith, and real hope and trust.  I may want to be more perfect, but sometimes I might need to mess up some in order to become more humble and more letting go of my will that got me into the mess in the first place.  So what do you request in your prayer?

Differences

I notice that in recovery programs such as AA, there are many different kinds of meetings.  Some are advertised and some are not.  People like to go to meetings where they feel comfortable.  There are meetings for sexual preferences, for judges, police/fire people, clergy, and even airline pilots.  No one meeting says, "We are the best," or "We are the only meeting that does it right."  Meetings or worship services in religions seem to go in a different direction.  Some of these religions think they are completely right, orthodox and everyone else is wrong.  Why not just let people go where they want to go as long as it is what they believe?  So many wars have been and still are fought over religion, dress codes, customs and even skin color and ethnicity.  In AA no one cares what you look like.  You are welcome.  One thing AA has in common with religions is that if you take an old timer's pew seat in church or regular seat at a meeting, they might become a bit upset.  Turf is always a test of welcome.  

Daily Response

 I try to ask myself each morning what I can do to be helpful to someone else today?  Why?  Well, I have come to realize that I cannot change the flawed people with whom I live and associate.   Trying to change such people only leads to resentment, muttering, and frustration.  I am supposed to love them.  But rather then ask what love is in such a situation of reality, I just try to be of some service, be helpful and not critical.  This is good for me.  The second thing that comes out of this being helpful attitude is that it keeps me in today.  I cannot be helpful yesterday or tomorrow.  Those days do not exist.  I only have today.  So I baked challah yesterday, whole wheat today and tomorrow will be rye bread.  They don't deserve it of course, but  I enjoy  the sense of being useful.  Hopefully, this blog is helpful to you too.  

The Meetings

 There is a story in the Bible of ten lepers who asked Jesus to heal them.  He did.  Nine went off to live their life free of leprosy.  One came back to say thank you.  Nine were healed and one was transformed.  There is a difference and I see it in recovery meetings from addiction.  Some come to meetings and follow directions for a time.  They get rid of their addiction to whatever substance.  They feel healed and stop coming to meetings. Some continue going to meetings and continue to practice whatever got them sober. But these are transformed and it shows in their trying to be helpful to newcomers and one another on a daily basis.  I see this in other situations such as religion.  People get what they want and then drift off to carry on with their life.  But they are not transformed.  And eventually, the healing wears off. I have found it so.  Transformation and deeper happiness, fulfillment, selfless fulfillment is a daily effort.  

The Leap

 In my church, most people are baptized when they are a baby or very young.  If they subsequently get any religious ed, it is usually about a system of ideas, and a structure of governance.  Sometimes they go to public worship and learn something about talking to God in prayer.  Well, welcome to Christendom.  This does not yet make one a Christian.  Say what?  In this system something is passed on yes, but the challenge to become a Christian is still a work to be done.  As someone said, becoming a Christian is a leap of faith, and I don't mean dogma or credal belief faith.  It is a difficult thing to do.  I don't know that many baptized actually make it, but then I suppose we can fake it until we make it.  I read the Gospels and say wow, this is not easy.  I cannot think or wish my way into following its tenants.  I have to make the leap, to practice without a comfort zone.  It is not so much about feeling happy, right, or comfortable.  The founder died on a cross.  My whole life would have to change to follow him.  A work in progress begins after the leap.  Ask anyone who has recovered from a life-destroying addiction . 

Why Go?

 I find that many people tend to gather with a group and have a primary purpose being, "I want them to like me."  We sometimes think, or often believe that we are not so good, and hope no one figures this out about us.  We go to church, synagogue, temple, recovery meetings and social events with this in mind.  To avoid this focus on being liked I ask myself what is the purpose of the group gathering?  If I go to church it is about being part of a community that is focused on God and not on being liked by one another.  If a recovery meeting, it is to stay stopped from an addiction.  If I would focus on being liked I miss the point of the meeting.  To go to a social event where I don't know people and want them to like me, wow that is not much fun.  Too much pressure to figure out what they want me to be, since maybe I may be a bit focused on my shortcomings that I want to hide.  So I go and be me.  If they don't like me or talk to me, then I don't go back.  We worry too much about people judging our outsides.  If that is what they are doing, then stop going to that group.   

Spirituality Prepared

Following the rules of a religion or believing in its creed is never enough to prepare a person for reality.  I have found many a person who has abandoned organized religion and belief in a Deity, because reality showed up and they had no spiritual depth to face it.  Like what?  Well, you obey the rules, and in my religion, that is going to church on Sabbath for instance, you profess belief in your religion's creed/dogma, and then reality happens.  You ask your Deity for help, that is, to get the results you want and think is fair, but the opposite happens.  Reality is often the opposite of what one wants.  The result?  Your hopes are shattered.  Your religion and Deity did not come through, so you abandon both.  If I am going to have an ongoing relationship with a Deity and face life on life's terms, then I am going to have to have some spiritual life of depth, that I only get with deep meditation where I stop focusing on me and my plans and let This Power act on my innards, my spiritual innards.  Often, non-belief is merely a resentment against reality.  

December

It is the first day of December.  We have been 9 months into Covid times.  So maybe you are thinking about a vaccine being on the horizon.  That 18 month to 2 year wait has shrunk quite a bit.  But I am not thinking about a vaccine.  Nor am I thinking about the baby Jesus at Christmas, or shopping.  I am thinking about Santa today.  Will Santa come to the monastery?  Does Santa even know we are in this remote spot?  And moreover, does Santa know that I am here?  I have my doubts.  I know that we put up a tree in our dining area and decorate it.  I think that we have midnight mass here, but Covid says no one but us monks will be allowed inside the monastery chapel.  We will zoom it, but you will all be sleeping.  Then we go to bed.  Holy monks will be thanking Jesus for coming into the world.  Mediocre, fake monks, shallow spiritually, will be hoping that Santa will come for him.  But even if Santa does not come, there will be many things to be thankful for on Christmas.  All you blog readers are a gift to me.  You give me hope that with your faith in me, I will someday shape up.