Emotional Quicksand

 I was reminded of something called, "Emotional Quicksand."  It refers to such a frustration with reality that we begin to question our commitments.  Emotional energy takes over in response to some event(s) in our life, and we begin to sink into doubts from which there does not seem to be any escape.  For me, it might be, "Why am I in the monastery?  People and events are not being like they should!  I am getting out of here."  Substitute your job. location where you live, relationship you are in, and it is all the same response when emotions rule the brain and the will.  As a way out of this conundrum, I remind myself that I am having an emotional "episode" and it will pass.  Or as someone said, "This too shall pass."  

Hospitality

 You can give someone what is called “hospitality of the house.”  You welcome or allow someone a shelter, food, warmth, a bathroom.  Lots of partner relationships, and families, are not much more than humanitarians.  The humanitarian may say they love you, but what you don’t see or hear is the chatter in their heart.  They don’t yet have a love that respects the other as they are.  Instead, they mumble to themselves, the humanitarians, about how lazy, selfish, and useless someone is with whom they live.  Spiritual warfare battles at this level.  That is why “being of service” in any process, is important.  You often learn a lot about yourself, your interior attitude and judgments.  Maybe the person you serve will remain unchanged, but you will be changed the more you know about yourself and your inner conflicts.  

Empty Hands

 I have a crucifix on the wall of my room.  A lot of people are turned off by such an image, for one reason or another.  But I am not.  One reason is that the person on the cross, Jesus, in this instance, is empty-handed.  All is gone from his possessions, his power to do and live as he pleases, his stuff.  He is naked.  A lot about loss or in his case, letting go.  It recalls my focus on the process of the spiritual journey.  It is a lot about surrendering, letting go, becoming empty.  “Abandon yourself,” as Bill Wilson, the founder of AA would say.  Most of our addictive, debilitating behavior has to do with holding on.  You might let go of a relationship, a job, a substance, but that still leaves you with you, unchanged on the insides.  Pinned to a cross you cannot change much of anything anymore.  But then comes resurrection, a new freedom and a new happiness.  

My Church

 Today is my birthday.  I am pushing hard against the end of a decade in my life.  I reflect back on my Catholic Grade School and its gift in my early life.  However it was done in the Bronx, my religion was passed on to me both in my head and my heart.  Yes, I received Catechism, doctrine and rules for my head.  I remember them still.  But I received a faith, a way of life, that went to my heart and this is what keeps me on the spiritual journey, at the heart level.  I find today that there are many people, Catholic school people who did not get much for the heart.  They drifted off and are not on much of a spiritual journey with any transforming depth.  I have met a few people who say they are “in recovery” from some addiction, but it is not much more than knowing a few steps and avoiding their addictive substance.  It is recovery of the head.  The heart stays wounded and hungers for love, both the giving and the receiving of it.  

A Little Bit

 Abandon or surrender yourself is not about “a little bit.”  A little bit gets a little bit in return.  Some people want to be a little bit sober or a little bit spiritual, or have a little bit of God or Higher Power.  I have found that I get what I give.  If my spiritual life is going nowhere or around in circles it might be because I have not gone all in.  I have not met anyone drunk who is a little bit sober, but have met plenty of people who are on the way to their next drunk.  Do a little and get a little.  It is fine to start out small but be ready to build or expand.  Small is a beginning like in running a small distance.  It seems that vanity is one thing that makes us strive for an “all.”  Whoever said, “I want to be a little bit more beautiful or handsome?” 

The Sail

 If you have ever been sailing you know that it is a lot easier to move in a direction and with some rapidity, if the wind is in the sails, that is you are moving with the wind and not against it.  There are times for tacking of course, but the image I get is in being one with the wind.  This is how I want my spiritual life to be, moving me along like the wind in the direction I say I want to go.  I sometimes say I want to do this or go in this direction, but then do that or go fully off course.  My defects of character seem to become stronger than the spiritual wind that is present to help me.  And if there is no wind, no breeze?  Be still in the silence.  Patience, sailors!

Some One

 I loved the first grade at my Catholic school in the Bronx.  We had no kindergarten in my school, so I began with the first grade, to which my mother or sister walked me.  Why did I love the first grade?  Not because I loved school.  I was an average student.  My intellectual curiosity was not classroom based.  It was Sister Mary Phillip.  She was so very small.  She did not tower over us tiny kids.  But more importantly, she treated us boys, each as a person.  We were not "the kids," or "first graders,"  or "the class" or "everybody."  Sister did not assume we were all the same cookie cutter children.  We were each unique, with our own personal history and our own pace and way of learning.  I still try to practice this today.  When I start a zoom talk, I try not to say, "Hello everybody," because the listener is not an "everybody."  The listener is alone in front of their computer, with a silent hope that someone will recognize them as a person.  My blogs are not written for "everybody."  A blog is written for you.  

The Real

 Have you ever been in the presence of someone(s), and that person or a person in the group begins to talk about something real?  No chit chat or pleasantries, a form of politeness, when people sense no one is interested in talking about something of real depth in the heart.  The real might be about loneliness, a tragedy, a revelation of a personal fault, even something that is a funny, but a real event in their life.  Suddenly, when the real is spoken, you, the listener, feel a sense of attraction to the speaker, the subject.  Maybe a restlessness, barely noticeable, in you, loses its grip.  Boredom is never the reaction to the real when spoken by another person.  I know how to be polite, as in chit chat.  I have to work at noticing the real emotions in me and the courage to speak them to another.  

Hardly Anyone

 I was teaching in one of my "zoom" presentations where I could look down at the bottom of the screen and see how many people were in attendance.  One day the count was rather dismal, and I said to myself, "I am done.  Hermit time.  Hardly anyone is listening."  After the talk ended, you probably are one of the legion of non-attendees, I had a sudden inspiration, a God-shot, as they say.  "Hardly anyone," is still "someone."  I am teaching someone.  Some one person may be helped by what I do.  My ego got right-sized.  I was at peace.  I am helping some one.  This is enough for today.  Anyone reading these blogs?

The Fork

I heard someone speak about suicide of the fork.  No, you don't stab yourself.  You eat yourself to death.  A waitress, a rather forward one, said to a fellow who came into the diner each day and ate half a pie, "Sir, you must love Heaven very much, because you are eating your way to an early death."  It was the fellow who then replied that he was committing suicide of the fork.  What happened?  He began to eat salads at the diner.  And he gave her a big tip.  Honesty with a bit of humor mixed in can do a lot of good.  Even if there is no change, the seed has been planted.  Yes, you may be despised.  But you never know when that seed will sprout.  We may never know about some of the best good we do.  

Inbound

I remember taking the "inbound" train or subway.  I was going to something, that would make a difference in my life.  It might be a root canal, or a theatre event, or a job that day.  Whatever, it would make a difference or at least that was the feeling of anticipation I had.  Love is "inbound."  It brings us someplace.  It is a difference maker.  There may be suffering but it is to make a difference for the better after it is experienced.  I have gone to many a meeting of inbound love.  Even if I did not expect much, I always came away feeling that it was a worthwhile experience.  Love does not have to be romantic, but it is aways a difference maker if I put something of myself into it.  Just showing up is a start.  You can get a lot of inbound love with a rather small initial effort.  And when I am outbound from that meeting, event, I am ready to be inbound love for someone else.   

Dazzled

 Has anyone ever dazzled you?  You looked at them or they came into your presence and they seemed so bright and shining in your eyes?  Maybe a falling in love time?  There is something about that person that makes you feel loved, accepted, worthwhile.  Maybe you are bringing the same dazzling feeling to that person?  If you make someone feel important, special, loved, it must come from some basic goodness in you that is made known in the way you are.  I call it reflecting the love of God, the One who unites us all in love.  You can call it what you will, but you know it when it happens.  Jesus dazzled his three friends on a mountain-top.  It was called "Transfiguration."  I can be a a room full of people, a classroom, social event, meeting of some sort, and I look across the room and see that "someone."  They look at me.  We are dazzled.  A goodness meets a goodness and they each just somehow know it.  It happens.  

In-Between

 I find myself all too often in an in-between place.  On the one hand, being Christian I read the words of Jesus that say, “Take up your cross and follow me.”  Well, I don’t want that.  I am not ready for that.  I want less suffering.  What am I suffering?  This is the other end of the In-Between place.  I don’t want what I have.  Jesus is pretty blunt at times.  I am supposed to follow, right?  But I don’t want to go the cross route.  I would like it easier and softer but not what I have.  I am restless, to be something other than I am at this moment.  Oh, how I wish my blogs had all the answers that I would give to you, me being all guru wired.  But at least I struggle rather than just accept the mediocrity of this moment.  I guess this is a bit of a cross.  I am not giving up.  Trudge on. 

Powerless

 Why do most spiritual journeys start with “powerlessness?”  It comes from the suffering of something we cannot control or get beyond with our own power.  As long as people feel that control is in their wheelhouse, they don’t get into the deeper surrender that makes the spiritual journey really take off to transform us.  Lots of people think that they are on a spiritual journey because they say prayers or meditate to feel good, or have dogma faith, or belong to some religion.  But they do not really change very much because they do not have that sense of powerlessness that brings surrender.  Fear will keep us from surrender, until there is no other way.  Sometimes suffering brings only resignation, not surrender.  Resignation has self-pity, resentment, and focus on self-comfort.  At the bottom of all suffering is surrender.  Hit your bottom.  

The Irish

Happy St. Patrick's Day!  Wish someone a Happy St.Pat's Day.  If they ask you, "Are you Irish," why not say, "I am a person."  If they are sober or intending to stay sober, your reply could lead to something besides your ethnic roots, Irish or not.  "I am a person" might be a good answer at any social event in which you might like to make a connection more memorable than what you do for work or where you live, all OK but "I am a person" does startle people a bit.  If it goes nowhere, what have you lost?  Chit chat is safe, but is that all you want?  Then why are you at that gathering?  Am I a monk?  No.  I am a person.  The most interesting people will want to know more.  And is that not a good reason to go to a social event?   

The Distiller

Silence quenches the thirst of loneliness.  It is the distiller of the waters that nourish our sense of connection and wellbeing.  On the other hand, verbal inflation only adds to loneliness.  When silent, not sullen, or giving someone the "silent treatment" you may hear that still soft voice within that says you are OK and not so alone.  You may become comfortable with your own company.  When silent, you may tune in better with the heart to what someone else is saying.  When talking too much, verbal inflation, you become a bore.  You are too full of self to make room for others.  I try to practice silence each day so that it becomes a part of me.  This may be why my blogs are short.   Not too many words.  

Ides Of March

 It is Mid-March.  I am thinking about "spiritual indigestion."  I suffer this when I cannot take in any spiritual program or practice that day because I am choking on willfulness.  I choke on self-will when it leads me to insane behavior, that is doing again what I know is no good for me.  I don't even expect different results.  I know bad behavior repeated will lead to the same old results.  This willful path is called, "doing my own thing."  It does not lead to building upon my individuality, but only leads to separation and a bit of despair.  So when I wake up I don't think so much about breakfast food, but rather about about "Spiritual Indigestion."  This usually gets me into a spiritual practice before I ingest any other foods.  

Oven Intimacy

 Baking is the closest thing in food that brings intimacy with another.  You bake and then serve to the people for whom you baked.  If you pick grapes, you do not make the wine.  If you raise a crop, you do not even see who it is that ate of your produce except maybe your immediate family and even then, the farmer rarely processes or cooks the family food.  I guess that is why I like baking.  If I do not feel that sense of intimacy with those who eat, I look to what is off kilter in me.  Blaming others is like forgetting to turn on the oven.  A big mistake that leads to nowhere.  

The Baker

 When I am a baker at my best, it is not the bread that is the best, but the baker.  Say what?  Well, I am giving myself through the bread that I am making.  I am giving all of me, heart, soul, body and strength for the people for whom I am baking this bread.  If I am baking to be liked, or for ego congratulations, or with any resentments, self-pity about doing this baking, then I am not giving myself.  Baking as self-giving in love reminds me of someone who once took fresh baked bread and gave it to his friends saying, “This is my body.”  That is the baker at his best.  It is what I aim for when baking for others.  Unfortunately, too many times the bread is good and nourishing but the baker is a mess on his insides.  All baking is a work in progress.  

Namaste

 Namaste means that I honor the divine in another.  In meditation practice, you bow to the other people in the group and say “Namaste.” Namaste is a good thing for me to keep in mind as I go through my day.  Everyone, the most difficult persons, those who press my buttons, have the divine in them, as my mediation tries to teach me.  I find that acceptance and tolerance helps me to keep namaste in mind.  When the monks begin prayer in choir they bow to one another in their opening praise or petition prayer.  Too often I do that and then go off into mumbling, complaining and resenting their behavior which does not agree with my expectations and programs for my own happiness.  

Tears

 Have you ever cried over some personal discovery about yourself?  You suddenly realized that a healing has taken place in your life, physical, emotional, mental, and you did not do it all on your own power or talent.  The tears come.  It is called “liquid gratitude.”  People in recovery experience it.  People who stumble upon a spiritual force they had denied or ignored, have it.  People who have discovered some previously hidden secret to their life, have it.  I have had it.  The tears are a bit about the dumb past you have lived.  But mostly it is about the joy and gratitude in the discovery of a better way.  

Serendipity

 When I can get out of myself, preoccupation with myself, I seem to be more open to discoveries in the world around me.  Example: I am going for first cup of coffee in the early morning dark.  As I come out of the kitchen, I catch the mostly full and bright moon about to set.  It is serendipitous.  I am not looking for this.  I am barely out of bed, but I am also out of my self-preoccupation.  Example: it is early evening and the sun has recently set. I look up from a window and see the colors of the sky clouds shining in the sun that has set.  I cannot see the sun but I can see its effects.  I stop and look at this free beautiful artwork of nature.  Serendipity.  I don’t generally enjoy being all caught up in my “problems,” so why do I do it?  Why do you?

Angry Belief

 I am puzzled by people who say they don’t believe in a God because they are angry about something that happened in the past.  God did not fix or prevent something, so they are angry and now don’t believe in God.  What puzzles me, is how can you be angry at something that does not exist for you?  Say a parent died when you were young.  You could be upset, anxious, sad, lonely, but why anger?  If there is no God for you, why does such loss make you angry.  Who are you angry at?  The parent who died?  You can be angry at people who hurt or betrayed you. They exist.  But why be blaming the God you don’t believe in?  So I think anyone who says they don’t believe and are angry about some event in their past, actually believe.  But it is very hard to wrestle with this belief.  It is easier to just say God does not exist.  Yet, anger destroys.  The spiritual wrestling match does not.  

Being Human

You are an imperfect human being.  So what!  Is there any other kind? We are all imperfect in one way or another, but that does not make us bad or berift of gifts and talents.  A spiritual life is to access that power within that sees something wonderful in us.  We don't have to be perfect before we try to be loving or helpful.  Do the best with what you have for today.  Oh, and today is a gift too.  Your exercise or diet did not earn it for you.  Maybe pause to enjoy you in the eyes of the divine.  

The Bees

Someone wrote about the "bees."  I thought they meant "bee" as in pollinating, flying critters.  They enlightened me.  Think of "ought to bee, should bee, wannabe."  And such as that.  I suffer at times from the bees as mentioned.  Acceptance is out the window, and gratitude goes with it.  They are replaced with guilt, envy, fear, jealousy, resentment, and such things that will make for a very bad day.  So I am the kind of person who needs to start each day with a checklist of reality and the good things I have.  Otherwise, life can go sideways very quickly.   

The Coma

 Life without a spiritual practice is a bit like living in a coma.  You are alive, but a bit out of touch and not able to move around.  You are hardly functional, though breathing.  Call it the spiritual coma, and I have been there.  The Power, The Light, God, is right here but I am not so much right here.  I am disconnected or having a bad connection with reality.  But the coma is also a way, rather minimal way, to keep us going until we can wake up and decide we want to live a fuller life. Of course, the coma can end in death too.  Think of addiction and recovery.  People need that drink to stay alive, though a minimal life, until one day, hopefully, they wake up and decide to live.  That is life with a spiritual path and practice.  A workaholic can be living in a coma sort of life.  Fear can be like a coma, as can the desire for more and more of anything.  Let go and wake up is something I try to do on a daily basis.  

Smudges

 You get into your car and you are in the shadows or the garage.  Your windshield looks clean enough.  You pull out into the sun and the light shows that your windshield has smudges that will interfere with a safe vision as you drive.  Do you stop the car, get out and clean the windshield?  This would be the wise decision.  So it is with our shortcomings and character defects that show up in the light of a good examination of conscience, or a 4th and 5th step in a recovery program.  When we allow ourselves to draw closer to God, The Power, The Light, we will see the need for some cleaning up of our faults and bad habits.  The shadows are bad places to be if we want to see clearly the correct path to true happiness.  The shadows are the living in ignorance or denial of the interior mess that is surely the way to a life of wreckage.  

Eclipse

 The sun is shining.  We experience it.  Then the moon gets in the way and eclipses the sun’s light.  We no longer experience the power of the light.  Is the sun still shining?  Yes.  So it is with our anxiety, worry, fear, looking in all the wrong places for happiness and peace.  We block out the light of the Power that shines and guides us from within ourselves.  We eclipse the power with our worry and negativity.  The power is still here within us.  But we no longer experience it.  Let the light shine.  

Binge Thinking

 I tend to drift into or rush into what is called “binge thinking.”  I am going along OK, more or less in touch with reality, the here and now.  Then suddenly I am into the not so real world of fantasy and story filled with grandiosity and fiction.  I may be going about doing something in the moment, and this task does not cease.  All that ceases is my presence in the present reality.  I create my own world of alternative facts and history, real enough at the moment to me, but far from “ be here now.” When I come out of my binge thinking, or stop it, I wonder, “Why this false world?  What am I running from?”  The truer spiritual life calls to me at that moment, “I am over here Terry.  Come and wrestle with reality.”

The Expert!

 I was approached by cell phone to give a talk to a group of about 400+ on the topic of recovery.  It is a group out of the East Coast time zone. Fortunately I was reminded by someone that I am not the expert on this or any issue that has a spiritual dimension.  I am not the doctor, but always the patient.  I read, pray, meet with others on the spiritual path not so much so that I will become more of the expert but rather because I am always the patient in need of healing myself.  Yes, I have moments in which I feel so very healed, but such moments are all too brief, to be followed by revelations in which I tell myself, “Terry, you know nothing.”  That may be the beginning of wisdom.  

The Embers

 It is March One.  Though fire-bright Winter still dominates cold temps and snow up here, there are some embers of Spring smoldering beneath, in a bit of warm now and again.  There will be Mountain High snow this month, but a quicker melt as these Springlike days interrupt the freeze.  So it is with the faith of adolescence.  Do not despair that youth has abandoned any interest or belief in the spiritual life or Divinity issues.  Though secular fires may burn bright in their way of life, the spiritual embers are there.  Fan them a little.  A church that ignores the developing youth is a church with little future for effecting a spiritual balance in our world.  Grandparents, get busy.  And those in recovery who despair of dropouts, reach out.  The embers of recovery are still smoldering beneath the addiction.  Judgment destroys.  Patience and trust brings to a fuller life.