Happy Halloween!

 The one day a year I get to put on a mask, a disguise, and beg for treats is today.  In one way or another, I used to do this all the time.  Halloween is the day I am reminded to ask myself, "Terry, are you doing Halloween on a regular basis?"  Do I put on a face, a mask, disguise and act like a beggar, whining for things that do not nourish?  On the other hand, who wants to present their mood or attitude when it is all negative, selfish, angry and resentful?  So yeah, when my spiritual practice is running on empty or neglectful, I put on the mask.  At least I am charitable, not showing my nasty, blaming self to someone who does not deserve it.  But I do try to practice regular heart prayer so that I can someday have only one Halloween.  Let it be this day.  Happy Halloween!  I will be at Sacred Heart of Jesus parish sometime today in Boulder if you are bringing around treats!  I have no shame.  

Nothing

 Once I realized that I was next to nothing without God, I was able to lower my expectations.  I lowered what I thought I could do on my own but raised my expectations, my faith and hope, in what God could do if I did not interfere through my self-willed bad behavior.  I used to live with "unrealized desires."  I call these things fantasies.  I preferred to dally in fantasy than to live in the real world of my human imperfections.  Alone, I lacked power to become the best me.  Fortunately, I lacked the darkness to become the worst me.  The world of human ups and downs, striking out a few times too many.  Now I realize that I do not have to do this life alone.  I find that there is a power to fill in and at times to just carry me along, clueless as I might be.  I find my God power in prayer, other people, service, reading, and some good healthy life style habits I learned along the way.  

Unique Word

 You don't need to try and become unique to show how spiritually evolved you are.  Take the word, "GOD."  I get that a lot of people have issues with this word because it reminds them of some negative experiences in their past.  But other people refrain from using the GOD word because they don't want to seem spiritually immature to those around them who belittle the word.  If the word God means something positive to you then why not just use it?  Might make for humility in a world where so many of us want to fit in.  I might say to someone who does not like that word, to substitute something else and I give some examples: Ultimate Reality, The One, Energy Fount, Source of All.  But I am comfortable with God as a term and simply use it saying it is the term from my tradition.  I don't apologize for my path.  Our uniqueness is more in our actions, manner, than in the words we use.  Erudite discussions are not transformation.  

The We

 Usually, I am the one who got into my mess or into trouble.  It is not someone's else's fault, though others may be involved.  At the same time, I alone, will not fix my mess.  I may have an immediate band aide or temporary solution, but the mess does not go away.  It just gets covered over.  The solution is a "we."  Become part fo something bigger than myself that knows how to work together to benefit each person.  A team does well because they work together and for one another.  Each member is functioning at any one time on a higher or lower level.  But they all know it is a team effort.  If I am doing poorly on a team, I say, "I am doing poorly" and try to work with the team to do better.  I alone cannot fix a team.  But the team together can do wonderful and permanently good things.  God and I are a we.  

Plumb The Depths

  Why do we say, "Plumb the depths," when trying to get to the bottom of things?  Because we have to go through a lot of yuck to get to the bottom.  Prayer is a way of moving to the depths of the heart, heart love, our true center.  But to get there, I have to go through a lot of mess that developed over a lifetime of bad behavior, bad habits, and bad attitudes.  So I plumb the depths in my prayer life.  Prayer, then, will not always be a feel good experience.  But below the gunk, the mess, the character defects, is the place of peace and contentment.  Transformation, recovery, interior growth is not always about feeling good.  If it were, more people would be doing it.  We have a lot of "I used to..." people.  They gave up and missed the miracle.  

To Eat

 Why would you give money to clothes or shelter, to someone who has not earned it?  A fair capitalistic question.  No work and therefore no pay.  I might say, "Why don't you get a job?"  Well, I am not an economist.  But I am at this moment, looking at someone who, this moment has no shelter or is cold or is broke and hungry.  Their need is immediate.  Now, I could sit/stand in judgment and say they are addicted, lazy, and will use whatever I give them for some bad thing as I see it.  So I do nothing.  But I was changed from that by a friend with whom I was walking in a downtown city.  He stopped where a homeless person, disheveled, mumbling about "help" was sitting on the ground, and gave him some money.  I said, "He is only going to use it to get a drink."  My friend said, "Maybe that is what he needs."  This is when addiction was considered a moral failing and DT's was your punishment.  

The Heart

 Our basic goodness rests in the heart.  So I try to learn to respond from the heart.  It is the place of love.  The head is filled with education, opinions, judgments, experiences, but not love.  I get a mic better fulfillment when I respond to people from the heart.  So each day I have to attend to the heart.  Meditation is the gym workout for the heart, to grow strong in love.  

The Deal

 A lot of people treat God as a "deal."  Or their Higher Power as a deal.  In my church there are some who think that they will get a better place in heaven if they do more of this and that.  Such people look around at others in the pews or think of others who have vacated the pew, and think, "No way that one gets into heaven."  In recovery meetings it is a lot of the same "more."  "If I do more of this and that I will be way more sober than that person over there," pronounces the one doing "more."  But I think of it as being on a plane.  Some people get deals, work hard to get better prices, or better perks while others do not much more than buy a ticket a few days before the flight.  They all get to the same place at the same time.  The plane takes off at the same time for everyone.  The delays effect everyone.  God, your Higher Power is Love.  Love does not have gradations.  It is not a rewards program.   The "more" that you do is to help others, and not to judge.   

The Individual

Do you want to do your own thing, be your unique individual self?  Sounds pretty good, right?  Maybe not.  I have been impressed by people who decided to be of maximum service to others.  That is the "fit" they wanted.  They called it a fit spiritual way of life.  They are willing and do, give up, things that are part of who they are, so that they can be of service to someone who really needs help.  And many who need help don't even know how much help or what kind of help they need.  The rewards of service are not always so immediate and obvious.  As selfish as I am, I have given up of myself for others, with the outcome unknown or not suited to what I hoped or expected.  So what.  It helped me to be a better person.  I don't always know how to do that when I am all about my own agenda 24/7.  And sometimes the maximum service has surprising results, in a good way.   

A Stranger

One of the best gifts God can give someone who walks in a gathering of people, is that feeling of being a stranger, an outsider, different.  Why?  Well, if the group is on some spiritual path, some loving way, someone from the "insiders" will greet you, welcome you, invite you to join in, no questions asked, no forms to fill out, or tasks to perform for acceptance.  I have seen it in the basement of churches and in their upstairs cathedral settings.  The gift of being welcomed without judgment will remind you someday, when you are an insider, a member, to welcome the newcomer who has that same look you had when you first walked through that door.  Just a sobering thought.   

Being Enough

One of the reasons people let themselves go, physically, mentally, emotionally, is that they do not think themselves enough to care about.  I look at myself in the mirror in the morning and say, "Who cares?"  What I really mean is that I don't care.  No one else, to my ego's consternation, is really thinking about me.  So I have to work on me.  I try to take care of me for me.  Care about myself.  I think it comes or comes back with a spiritual practice of meditation for instance.  Body, heart, inside and outside all are one.  It is not selfish to do good things for yourself.  A spiritual practice tells us what the good things are.   

Gratitude

 I try to live in gratitude.  I have had unlikely beginnings that have led to some wonderful ways of living.  I tried to live "my truth" and shortly was saying, "this ain't going to work."  Just because things start off a bit rocky or uneven, or full of misfires, doesn't mean that you are on the wrong path.  It means that things are not going as you fantasized they should.  I remember doing the right thing but my attitude needed attention, and major adjustment.  I was not so grateful to be a priest, but rather I was whining that I  was not "feeling great" about being a priest in those early years.  Life did not come up to meet my fantasy or my ego or my sense of talent.  I came realize that talent develops with attitude.  Plus, people, not many, but enough, would say that I was a wonderful priest, loved, precious.  Ok. Precious might be pushing it, but you get the idea.  Gratitude.    

Obstacle

 Life has obstacles. or maybe not.  What?  Well, what if the obstacle is really a way to a solution.  Your doc and/or your body says that you cannot jog anymore.  "I will show you!" I say.  I go and jog anyway, with some more stretching, new shoes, whatever.  It is downhill from there.  You become a complete mess, and maybe surgery, new body parts, and so on.  The bionic solution did not work.  In fact, not being able to do something, opens up new possibilities to replace that loss with something new.  Ok, walking is for wimps.  But you give it a shot, or you swim or elliptical bike.  Maybe pickle ball, or maybe not.  On a spiritual path, obstacles open up new possibilities.  

Life's Terms

If I am to accept life on life's terms, on a daily basis, I will have to deal with grief, uncertainty, and a lack of hope.  These are the emotions that bring me to say, "I am having or about to have a terrible day."  If I'm not in control, bending circumstances to fit my plans, or avoid my fears, then emotional stability goes into a nosedive.  I do wake up with my plans, or make early day plans.  But I have to do some spiritual practice to get me out of myself, or deeply into my heart, to balance my plans with the reality of the day.  "Life on Life's Terms" is a pretty good daily mantra.   

Curiosity

 Problems are often viewed with fear and anger whenever our sanity level is low.  What would happen to these same problems if we found a spiritual way, an inner way, to fill up that sanity level?  The same problems might begin to be viewed with curiosity.  Curiosity might say, "Humm.  I wonder why this seems like a problem?  Why is it not an opportunity?  Or a way of seeing with different set of eyes?"  All this is a way to prepare us to widen our way of working with the situation.  We might come up with something quite creative for us.  Instead of a narrow view, we have a wide vista.  No doubt there are tragedies.  But meanwhile, many of the things that come into our heads or emotional life, are viewed quite narrowly.  I work on sanity early in the day to be in more fit spiritual condition to handle what comes up, real or imagined.  

No Baggage

 I may become a bit homeless down the road.  Wait and see.  But think about leaving someplace.  What do you need to do when you go?  Travel light.  Leave resentments behind.  “I am so glad to be rid of this place,” is not good baggage.  People focus on some negative to make themselves feel better about leaving.  Then after they are gone a bit to a new place, where things don’t go as they fantasized, they begin to miss the old place.  “Oh, I should never have left,” burdens them.  Better to have recognized resentments while you are still at the old place, and then let them go.  Make space for the good things that you are leaving. Mourn.  Be filled with some gratitude for being there at all.  Yes, there will be some hole in your heart, but don’t try to fill it too quickly when you move to a new place.  That would be like eating a quick dessert to fill an immediate hunger.  New joys are often slow cooked.  

Wait

 I am at the ocean shore.  I got up early to look out at the clear sky, no fog coming off the Pacific.  Sea Ranch.  I walk outside in the dark and look up.  A few bright stars reveal themselves.  Couple of planets. Orions Belt and such.  But I thought I would see more stars.  Wait!  That is right, just wait.  Let the eyes adjust to the dark.  Soon enough more stars appear, the shy ones.  They want to know I care enough to wait, be patient.  God’s magnificence sparkles the sky.  My prayer: “God, why do I ignore you so much?  And why do I not trust that you have my back?  You are always here in my midst ready to be discovered anew, if I just wait.  Be patient, like you are patient.”  Little me.  Big sky.  Bigger universe.  Look up on a dark night.  It can humble you.  

Fitting In

 Some of us use something outside of ourselves in order to “fit in,” however you define fitting in.  It could be clothes, fitness, religion, club memberships, degrees, substances, and whatever, all meant to get us something we think we lack.  None of these things give us any sense of permanent fitting in.  The feeling passes all too quickly.  I have found that some interior work, sometimes working with others or another guide, keeps us on track.  It keeps us working on the insides.  The insides, the heart is where we are somewhat empty, and outside stuff does not fill up the heart at any depth.  And meditation, for instance, is pretty inexpensive, as are recovery meetings for that matter.  

Care And Action

 I may care what people think of me, but that does not mean I have to act on it.  I can have an emotional reaction, but I don’t have to be controlled by an emotion every time one pops up.  I may not get my way at times, but it does not have to kill me.  It will pass.  A lot of darkness will pass.  I have a feeling. I have an addictive solution.  But I don’t have to act out that solution.  The feeling will pass.  Find something else to do, more constructive and less debilitating.  Painless solutions are painless for a brief immediate moment.  Then they make everything worse.  Emotional maturity takes times, and practice.  Work with a coach who knows the better path.  

Right Action

 One of the things I have learned with some emotional maturity is to do the right thing even when I don’t feel like doing it.  I used to look at a pile of dishes, shrug, and walk away till “later” which never seemed to arrive. Or just leave things for someone else to do because I don’t feel like doing it.  Feelings are not always helpful, especially when it comes to tasks that don’t feed the ego at the moment.  On the other hand, I have learned not to do something when I want to do it.  I don’t need to say something just because it pops into my head at the moment.  Action and silence have become my friends lately.  

Emotional Maturity

 Many people decide to change, improve their life in order to get something, like a job, finish school, marriage, or to avoid something, like being fired, divorce, failure in school, bad health.  People try to give up an addiction for some of these same reasons.  But they sell themselves short if they do not seek emotional maturity or emotional sobriety.  All those other things they  sought will be unsatisfying without this emotional maturity.  Note the rich and famous people who are still very unhappy.  People can have lots of outside stuff to fill the outsides, but inside, in the heart, they are empty or at least not filled enough.  I try to work on the insides each day or at least point myself in that direction to keep some focus on priorities.  

Hanging On

 Sects, fundamentalists, tend to hang on to the past or seek to go back to the past.  Mystics tend to let go.  It is why they are so far apart in approach to things spiritual.  The mystic senses that the world is evolving, that is the whole universe including ourselves and our ideas.  What made sense to people long ago was in part because that was the “current” way of thinking and so made sense.  But with new knowledge and insight in our 21st century world, the past becomes not such a good fit.  We study to learn from the past but not to repeat it.  Down the road, someday, we will learn new things about addiction and new ways to deal with it, to “recover.”  If AA is spiritual it will let go of what it knows from the 20th century and embrace this new discovery.  If it is a religion, it will hold on to what it has and put down the new as “nonsense.”  

The Trip

 Taking a “trip” on drugs can give you a pleasant experience, even of oneness, but it is more on the ego level and thus does not transform you.  You don’t become a better person because you took a drug trip.  You are not kinder, more compassionate, a better listener, more helpful, because you do mind-altering drugs.  The drug may transform the moment, but not the person.  The experience does not go deep enough, beneath the ego.  Transformation is not an escape from the everyday, the seemingly sameness of life, but rather finding the treasures in these very moments.  

The Hidden Wisdom

 Lots of us got the teacher we deserved and the teacher got the students they deserved.  I have found that many teachers have deep, interesting wisdom and knowledge but don’t know how to teach. They come across as dual and uninteresting.  The students don’t challenge with questions, private interviews after class.  They just accept and sit bored, uninterested.  I have found that I can learn a lot by studying to the point of having questions, opinions I want challenged that I can bring up in class or in private one on one.  Priests and ministers and rabbis can give terrible sermons, but are much deeper and profoundly interesting one on one, if I have some knowledge of the subject.  Learning often starts with me and not the teacher.  

Faith

 Faith does not make God happen. It might make you happen, but not God. God already is but many people of “faith” have not yet been awakened to the Presence.  Besides this, there are more than a few who say they have no faith in a dogma, religion, but have been awakened to that Presence within and around them.  It is not that faith is unimportant, but rather that we cannot use faith to control God, in any way.  There are quite a few one time past believers who gave up the faith when they did not get what they expected or wanted from their believing.  There are people who read my blog once, don’t get whatever they wanted from it and never read it again.  That list is legion.  

Eclipse

 When you put religion between a person and God, it is called “Eclipsing God.”  God is light and religion is supposed to help reveal the light, not hide it behind rules, dogma and theology.  God is near and even within.  Jesus said this plainly.  But sometimes a religion says that God is far away, up in the heavens and we have to do the right thing, say the right prayer, and get God to come closer, so as to get the ear of God for our wants and plans.  Some parts of religion are medieval and have failed to evolve as we have learned more about our universe and creation and our very selves.  We need to awaken to the Presence, and not try to make it happen.  We cannot control God.  That bothers some people who want to be the power.  Surrender is difficult for such types.  

Happy

 Usually, when someone says that they are happy, it means that the ego is “happy” because nothing unpleasant or painful is going on.  For the ego, happiness means that reality agrees with the will, the plans for the day.  As soon as any of this goes array then the ego becomes “unhappy.”  But I know people who have chronic health issues that they have to manage on a daily basis and they will say that they are happy on any particular day.  Such people have gotten beyond ego control to a deeper spiritual path.  They may indeed have some discomfort in mind or body, but they do not let arising emotions control their attitude at that moment.  They have become much freer than an ego controlled person.  They have an awareness but not an attachment to the awareness of discomfort.  A person who gets deeply into addiction recovery has lots of happiness with attitude and acceptance adjustments.  

Version

 As you grow spiritually you develop better versions of yourself.  One version improves on another in a sort of progression.  I am not sure that one ever arrives at the final real you.  But one can lose their best version so far, by ceasing to do, practice, and even to be open to new information about a practice.  Science can help a lot as it continues to discover new realities they never knew existed.  Just because we “know” something does not mean that what we know is the ultimate.  It is what the mind can hold at the moment.  So keep at it day by day.  Practice is just that, practice.  It means not perfect.  

Showing Up

 Prayer is not to get God to show up and pay attention in my life, but for me to show up in God’s life.  I show up by going within myself to where God always is, uninvited, loving me.  The key that opens  the way into myself is silence, stillness, and surrender of my agenda, my plans.  God know them already, and knows which are good and which are not so good for me.  My ego only knows what it wants, too much of everything on the surface of life.  So my ego is abandoned, but waits on the surface, where trivialities dwell in their discomfort.  I can be quiet but with a busy mind, anxious, away from the NOW present.  God is shy but patient.  God will wait.  But can I keep God waiting, and yet live a fulfilled life?  

Watching Me

 From time to time, when I was little, and short, my big sister, Maureen, was in charge of “watching me.”  This meant that she could not be with her friends, or do what she wanted.  Little brothers can be burdens.  It was summer.  I remember that because Maureen was out of school and I was too young for school.  We were walking about on a hot day and came to a Bronx water fountain.  I was thirsty but too short to reach in and get a drink.  Maureen tried to lift me but no leverage.  She looked around, I thought for some help?  Then she said, “Wait here,” in her big sister voice.  She walked away.  Now I felt thirsty and abandoned in the Bronx.  Moments later, Maureen came back carrying a little stool, like one might squat on.  She placed it at the fountain and helped me to stand on it so now I was high enough to get my drink of water.  Where did that stool come from is not the question and was never answered.  Rather, I ask myself, am I as kind now as Maureen was then?  I wonder if her two girls Trisha and Kathy are as kind as their Mom?

Words That Matter

 Can your words, spoken out loud, improve on silence?  Many people are uncomfortable with silence, so they have background sounds or communication sounds from tv, radio, internet.  But I ask my self, when I am thinking of saying anything, “Can I improve on the silence that I find precious?”  So now I speak less.  Maybe the other person is enjoying the silence.  Plus, if they do not respond, I may get upset that I am being ignored, or they do speak but change the subject, which hurts my tender ego.  A simple “Good Morning” or a friendly “Hello” may be all that one needs to do out of curtesy.  How their day is going might be none of your business at the moment.