Walking Into A Room Full Of People

There are several ways I walk into a room full of people, most of whom I do not know, on some social occasion.
1. "These people are all ignoring me."  That is, they are actively not thinking about me.  I am such a focus that they have to work at ignoring me.
2. "This is a room full of competent grown ups and I don't fit."  Suddenly I have no social skills for such grown-ups.  I am a child or a student in a room full of smart, competent people, better read, more interesting than I could ever be.
3. "Everyone is thinking about me."  This comes especially when I am in my clergy cloths.
The reality is that many people have these and other like thoughts when they enter this same occasion.  Just look at how people down the alcohol, or maybe they did some of that and a pill, drug, before coming in.  To avoid giving my crazy mind any space for weirdness, I general go up to someone right away and introduce myself.  It is amazing how many people forget to tell me their name.  I ask about them, and do not focus on myself or why I am there.  It is amazing  how many people I meet this way who are having social skill issues at that very moment.  Would that there were an event in which everyone said what they were thinking when they entered such a room.

Wrong Fit Thinking

I am right size successful, right size famous, and right size important.  But there are days, or moments when my mind gets caught in some weird groove.  It goes like this: "I am a failure.  Everyone else is more successful and competent than me.  I don't get enough recognition for being wonderful."  So what is my solution to this crazy thinking?  A crazy solution, of course.  I do things that focus on my self-importance and popularity.  I might be doing some kindness, being generous and helpful, but my focus is on me and my self-implosion.  It is tricky stuff.  So, I try to examine my motives each day, at the moment I am doing "good" or at night before I go to bed.  "Why am I doing this?" I ask myself.  If the energy comes from a love for others, that is, I am getting out of myself, then the task or work has a certain lightness and joy about it, even if it is a bit difficult otherwise.  If the motive is all about my momentary crazy thinking, then the effort brings out a certain resentment in me or a hurrying to get it done and get onto the next "kind" act.  Be glad that you are selflessly loving all the time.  You are, aren't you?  Could there be people like me out there?  I am not alone!  Honesty sometimes makes the best of friends.  Together, we can laugh at ourselves.

Failure's Timetable

Someone came to me and said that they were now over 50 and their life had become a failure.  Why do we have a timetable for when life "becomes" a failure?  I asked the person if they thought their life was a failure at 15, or 30, or 40?  They said no.  They still had hope, plans, and some optimism.  All these things apparently had a shelf life of 50 years.  It is called expectations.  Some of us run out of expectations and replace it with failure.  However, God's hope, love, grace and patience with us has no shelf life.  God's plan for us, for who we can become does not end with our turning 50 or 60 or whatever.  I just met a follow who is 76.  He is full of compassion, kindness, good works and helpfulness.  He feels his life is full with the power of God at work in him.  He has been sober for 20 years, which means that he was a bit of a nasty drunk until he was 56.  Had he killed himself, the community would not have experienced all the good he has done.  So, even when you give up hope, God does not.  If you see your life as a failure, that is your opinion.  God has a second opinion.

Timely Grace

Grace overwhelms me in its timeliness.  God is at work.  Recently, I was the Saturday confession priest.  I was in one of those narlie moods, unfit to offer much compassion and love.  Fortunately, the first half hour of confessions did not extend my few spiritual resources at the time.  Then there was a lull.  The confessional was cold, a ready excuse to be out of sorts.  I went home to get my heating pad and woolen prayer shawl.  I came back and got comfy in the confessional.  Still a lull.  I settled into a quiet time of deep stillness and silence.  Mood changed.  Grace arrived.  Then a women came to confession who needed lots of compassion, kindness, patience and a listening ear.  I was on my "A" game!  God was a work through me.  She left comforted.  She seemed to know who I was.  Then  someone came face to face.  She was a beautiful young girl.  She needed the same compassion, etc, and just the right words to help her.  Her good looks did not distract me.  God again worked through me.  After these two confessions, I realized what a gift it is for me to be a priest if I can be open to God's power, God's grace.  It is totally unearned.  I am as much of a mess as anyone who comes to confession.  God uses me.  If I were God, I would use someone more perfect.  I am work for God.  Are you not amazed at times at the good you do in spite of yourself, your shortcomings and sheer humanness?  I am.

Ignored

Being ignored should not destroy your self-esteem.   Recently, I returned to Boulder and the pastor was away.  He usually puts a very good article in each of the weekly bulletins.  It was decided to put in something I had written.  I thought it was a great, insightful, and helpful piece.  Some depth even.  I waited for a response on the weekend of that bulletin.  I said nothing to call attention to the article.  I was practicing being a humble monk, of course.  No one has yet said anything.  My ego is not crushed however.  The monastery takes care of that.  I simply tell myself, that what I do is done for the glory of God.  This is very Jesuit.  God is pleased with my effort.  The results or reviews are not up to me.  This very blog could be pious drivel to you, but I am doing it for God's glory.  It is the best I can do at the moment.  You parents, grandparents, students, children (do children read this stuff?), workers, exercisers, God is pleased with the effort and the love you put into something.  If love had to wait for a "thank you'" there would be a lot less love in the world.

Joan Rivers

Why did she make me laugh, or at least smile and be bemused?  "You talking to me, Joan?"  Yes, she was.  She helped me to laugh at myself without becoming guilty or ashamed at my antics to stay forever young, or seem "together," to hide my secrets.  I wish more clergy could help us to laugh at our humanness, rather than load us with feeling badly about ourselves.  Joan had a bit of the saint in her, in that she helped me to see my silliness.  When I try to ignore or avoid the inevitable aging process, it really is silliness.  St. Therese of Lisieux called it silliness when she referred to the faults and shortcomings of our delusional life.  It is a gift to speak the truth and help people to take it in with some laughter.  Joan did not laugh at me.  She laughed with me.  Hey, don't I make you laugh sometimes?  I could have a bit of the saint in me.  Could Maureen be wrong?  I won't burn!

Dropping The Solution

I saw someone recently who struggled with an addiction problem.  They told me, " I went to recovery meetings, did what was suggested and now I feel better, so I don't feel a need to go anymore."  I thought about that decision in terms of my own life and solutions I have found to discomfort.  If I eat today and feel better, do I not eat tomorrow?  No, rather I have learned that it is good for me to eat every few hours, certain foods, so that I continue to feel better.  If I pray today and feel better for it, do I skip prayer tomorrow?  Do I wait until I feel miserable, barely able to cope, before I pray again? NO, unless I am insane or like feeling miserable.  I find that if I exercise today, but then skip it for a week, exercise will feel strange and be difficult.  So I exercise a couple of times a week, i.e. regular intervals.  I think if you are acting insanely, or with much disfunction, and then find a solution, why would you give up the solution when you feel better?  Maybe some insanity it never really cured, but only placed into remission?  Any insane people out there want to comment?