A Choice

I am supposed to be in this monastery for the summer getting holy.  Maureen said it would never happen.  I think she is right.  Instead of getting holy, I seem to keep writing these "Growing Up With Maureen" stories.  Now blog readers, which do you want?  Stories or my holiness?  My big sister said that if I did not get holy, I would burn.  You don't want me to burn do you?   Is it possible to get holy while writing these stories?  Could Maureen stories and holiness be in the same direction?  This is not possible.  Pray more and write less?  What do the blog readers say?

My Vocation

My big sister Maureen and I shared a bedroom in our Bronx apartment.  It was a hot summer night and our parents were out for an evening together.  I could not fall asleep.  "I can't sleep," I said.  "Neither can I," added Maureen.  To avoid boredom I decided to try for a conversation.  I was desperate.  "Why do Mommy and Daddy go out sometimes?"  I asked, knowing Maureen was all knowledge.  Sure enough, she answered, "So that they can be normal."  "Aren't they always normal?" I asked.  "No," replied Maureen.  "Being Mommy and Daddy makes them crazy.  They need to go out  to be with other adults, eat and have some fun."  "Why does being Mommy and Daddy make them crazy?" I questioned.  "Because they have to put up with boy monsters like you," Maureen said.  "But Mommy says I am her little angel," I challenged.  "Like I said, being a Mommy makes her crazy, seeing angels where there are only monsters," responded Maureen.  "Are all boys monsters?" I wondered out loud.  "Yes, so that is why I am going to become a nun.  I don't want to be married to a monster and become crazy with boy kids.  I will marry Jesus," answered Maureen.  "But Jesus was a boy too," I queried.  "Yes, but he was God, so he did not become a monster.  That is why he is different from everyone else," said Maureen.  "Will you still be a witch if you become a nun," I asked.  "Only if I have to teach boys," answered Maureen.  "Then will I have witch nuns when I go to school?" I asked.  "Of course.  Only the girl classes get the good nuns."  "Good grief," I thought!  "Well, if I marry will I end up marrying a witch?" I asked.  "You will find out after you get married," said Maureen.  "Well maybe I should see my wife going to bed before we get married to see if she turns into a witch."  "You do and you will burn for sure!" exclaimed Maureen.  "What can I do?" I queried.  "Well, you can become a priest, and avoid it all," she counseled.  And so the seed of my vocation was first planted in me by my sister Maureen on that hot summer night.

Desperation

Some people say that nothing good can come from a bad situation.  I tend to think otherwise.  I believe that there is a light in the darkness.  For instance, we may be going along in life sidestepping disasters, covering up our messes, and just getting by with a slow, imperceptible downward trend.  At this point we "desire" to get better, to heal, to reform, to grow, or to improve.  But desire does not seem to have any power to it.  Then a real dark disaster comes along.  We cannot seem to escape it, push it away, ignore it or fix it as we had in the past.  Where is the light here?  "Desperation" is the light.  Desperation has a whole lot of power to it.  Many of us will only act in a desirable way when we are desperate.  I have found that if I keep desperate past times in my memory box, it keeps me from sloughing off on the solution when times seem to improve.  I am the kind of guy who cannot coast in the spiritual solutions to my life.  

Daily Esercise

I tend to do some form of exercise on a daily basis.  I feel better overall when I do exercise, in moderation.  I find the same for spiritual exercise.  Prayer exercises my soul.  I try not to skip some form of prayer on a regular basis.  Just as there are various and sundry forms of physical exercise, there are various forms of prayer.  You just need to find the combination that fits you at any particular time in your life.  No one form of exercise fits all people.  No one form of prayer fits everyone either.  I tend to focus more on running/jogging and meditation.  But the key is to try and do something each day.  For this we need to set aside some time.  "Wanting" is a beginning.  Try not to make it the end as well.

Once

I don't know that you can love others until you can love yourself.  But sometimes, it is the love of another that helps you to love yourself.  In the musical, "Once," an Irish songwriter and musician has given up on himself.  He will abandon his guitar and songwriting because no one seems interested.  His girlfriend has gone to America.  He will just spend his life fixing vacuum cleaners in Dublin.  No self-love here.  Along comes a girl who has her own problems with abandonment.  She loves his music, sees his potential and encourages him.  She loves him and he begins to believe in himself and then to love himself.  He will learn to love another person.  Since I have experienced the love from another person when I did not love myself, I try to "pass it on."  When people are maudlin, filled with self-loathing, lack of confidence, seemingly empty of heart, maybe even feeling sorry of themselves, I try not to give up.  I don't help them to continue that behavior, but I do try to show them that there is something precious within them.  Even if they do not get better, I do.

I Did That

I was reading someone's spiritual memoir.  At one point, the fellow referred to driving home on three wheels.  Wow!  I suddenly realized that I had done that one time.  Of course, no one drives home on three wheels after attending church, sacrificing self in service to others, or practicing sobering behavior.  In my case, a nice Catholic boy, I had stayed up all night, sipping beer/wine, and writing a "beautiful" love letter to a girl with whom I was smitten.  The letter was full of self-pity, as I poured my heart out.  At dawn, finished with the letter, I drove to her house and dropped it off at the front door.  Then I drove home.  I was "sober" of course.  Then why did I start to fishtail my car on the highway exit, go through the exit crossway, slam into a high curb, where one tire blew right off the rim, and keep going across a grass field, to finally stop at a fence?  With clear thinking of course, I backed up onto the freeway and drove to the next exit and into my carport, on three tires and a rim.  The insurance agent asked if I had been drinking, as I was speeding that early hour of the morning.  "Of course not," I lied.  Well, maybe I was not such a good Catholic boy.  I was a newly hired stock broker.  The three wheel experience suggested to me, that maybe I had been spared to do something else?  At least to ask the question, "What do I want to do with this precious life that I have?"  The brokerage business lasted about a year.  There are many far better brokers than I ever would be.  But I am an Irish story teller, to the chagrin of my sister, Maureen.  But sometimes I can make your day, no?  So what will you do with this one precious life that you have...today?

New Wisdom

Some of the best wisdom lessons I have learned, and remembered, is after I think that I know it all, or know enough.  The "know enough" is really about a lot of control.  I read and therefore I learn.  My efforts gain me wisdom.  I pray and get "more spiritual."  I do good works, be helpful, of service, and my world gets better.  I feel better.  It is all about, "I do, I get."  It is very good and beneficial, but it is not all, not by a long shot.  Maybe we take a few things for granted, based upon our efforts, or cut back on our efforts, or just enjoy the good feelings.  Then it happens.  An event takes place, a loss, a betrayal, a relationship or job gone bad, and I realize I don't have all that much control given my efforts.  What to do?  Surrender to the spiritual entity that had seemed kind of predictable.  Most of us never get this far.  I struggle with it on a daily basis.  I will never know enough, or pray enough or do enough good deeds to control my world and avoid all unpleasantness.  Of course, it will be a better world than when I did few to none of these positive things.  But it will no longer give me perfect security, power, control, or esteem, as I thought it would.  The learning curve goes up steeply, when I realize that over some things, I am powerless, and my spiritual control programs will not change that.  But a new spiritual depth will be discovered.  God is at work.