Surrogates

When my Dad died ten years ago, I came to this monastery for a four month stay.  I have been coming now for eleven summers.  From the first summer to this one, I tried very hard to prove to the monks that I could do a good job, as in special.  I wanted to be helpful, important, needed, competent, for this is what I was for my Dad.  What this did was trash my body, but not bring my Dad back.  There are no surrogates.  My Dad needed me.  The monastery does not, no matter how hard I try.  There are no special monks.  So now I am here for the right reasons.  I do some work, but not more than they ask or I am capable of at my age.  I use my time here for a deepening experience of God, more reflection on how my spiritual life is doing, some discernment, and writing up teachings.  I have always done this too each summer.  I don't need all summer for this.  I may not be the holiest of priests, but I am a better priest, and more needed as a priest than a hay rancher.  Thel monastery ranch can be fun, and I can be helpful, but two months will be plenty.  The days of a long summer in the monastery are over for me.  I have other places to see and people to meet.  Life is short.  I do hope that when I am gone someone will miss me as much as I miss my Dad.