The First Day

I celebrate today because many years ago I had a drink in Vienna.  Why celebrate that?  Because I have not had another one since and only had that one beer, a miracle in itself for me. Today, would never have happened if I had not picked up the phone about 18 months before this Vienna evening.   Back then it was going to be my last day, or the first day of a new way of living.  I did not want any more of the pain of my past/present life, but was scared of my solution.  It was one of the few times that fear kept me around to tell this tale.  I made a call for help, and made a second call to a friend because I did not think it a good idea to be with me, alone.  Alone, I had made too many destructive decisions.  Sanity was breaking in on a party gone stale.  I had many happy and fulfilling moments before all this.  Some would say I was successful in what I did.  But it was never enough.  My dark side just would not stay away.  I had a self-destructive side that disguised itself as "fun."  But grace got me through that day and many more since.  Grace Power.  I have trudged this new way of life, except for the Vienna beer, and it has not been easy.  Vienna taught me the "cravings." You see, wherever I go, I go with me.  On my good days, I see that I am about to act like a jerk, but grace power intervenes and I do not reveal my silliness to those around me. I may think like a jerk, but do not act like one.  Bad days, I am on display in all my messiness.  But since that day long ago, I don't do the behavior that almost killed me.  For some reason, always uplifting, many people seem to like to be with me.  Some even think I am a spiritual guide, a support to their efforts to be better persons.  I used to think they had a low bar for friends, but I have come to realize I am a lot better than my crazy mind thinks.  Well, it can keep me in humility.  And honesty has helped me.  If I get any more honest in these blogs, all the holy people will stop reading me.  Maybe you are just struggling enough, that I can be of some service to you in this missive.