Stubborness

One the hardest faults, bad habits, to recognize is stubbornness.  Many of us can admit at times that we are selfish and self-centered, but rarely have I heard anyone say that they were stubborn.  It is not the same thing as being focused on a good cause, being indefatigable.  If you inconvenience some people it might be because they are selfish and do not care to be of service in this good cause.  But stubborn people want what they want, when they want it, though it is unnecessary and not serving any good but their own wants, and they inconvenience other people in getting what they want, or doing it "their" way.  What makes it tougher for the stubborn person to recognize this in themselves is they are often good people in many other ways.  They can be helpful, kind, giving, so long as it is done their way and you don't interfere.  I have seen monks and priests who are stubborn.  I have to be careful of this myself since I try to be both priest and monk.  If you suggest to someone that they might be stubborn the answer you often get is: " I don't want to talk about it," or "This is the way I do it," or, "It does not bother other people."  Did you marry a stubborn person?  Free pass to heaven...but don't whine.

Mental Disorders

Why do we hold onto our mental disorders?  One reason is that they make us feel unique.  Like how? You might be told that the way to grow up/wake up is to fit into a group or tribe that seems to know the way.  But you say no, you don't fit in because you are brilliant, or at least smarter than anyone else and you know how to fix things, the world, by yourself.  You think that by yourself you do best, but in fact by yourself you isolate.  You don't think it is isolation.  You don't need fixing but you know others around you do need fixing.  Being unique is so often the door to isolation.  No one learns much from isolation.  Being part of a tribe, a group, a way to grow up is blocked by fear.  It is fear of change.  But isolation keeps the unique person in the dark.  Their own "brilliance" blinds them to the dark.  And they don't bother with a second opinion.  That would open them to listening, which is not part of their uniqueness.  The isolated person is brilliant only in their own mind.  This is a metal disorder.  I used to know how to fix the world. It usually came to me about the time the test pattern came onto the tv channel.  You young people don't remember test patterns.

Doing What You Want

Sometimes one’s God is simply an excuse for doing what you want.  In the Hebrew Scriptures, after the Exodus from Egypt, and some forty years in the desert, the Hebrew tribes reached the land their God promised them.  Their God told the Hebrews to kill everyone in that land.  Really?  Kill everyone who is not a Hebrew, the Chosen Ones.  By and by, along come the Christians.  They believe that it is OK to kill the Hebrews, now known as the Jews.  Pagans get axed in both cases.  God switched from Chosen Ones to Christians.  No Islam yet.  Then along comes Islam.  Their God says to kill Christians and Jews.  Everyone does what they want, and then has a God who tells them to do it.  So far, I have not met this God.

Tell Me More

Dogma, for those who think it rather obtuse in Christian circles, can be seen in a positive way as a “conversation starter.”  In spiritual circles of western religion we say that God is a relationship.  In any relationship, we have to start somewhere in the dialogue. We usually start with what we want, our give me list. Maybe there is some thank you sprinkled in there. But if we are newbies who want to know about God, we get introduced to dogma.  It is “about” God, some descriptive info.  Each religion calls it Truth.  It is not that it is true or untrue, open to debate, but rather that dogma does not do much to build intimacy.  It is an introduction and the hope is that from our end we will be interested enough to say, “Tell Me More.”  This means you want to know this God and not just “about” this God.  To know more, to become a bit intimate, you will have to meditate, stop your focus on your wish list, and dogma thoughts about God.  Of course, in meditation God might just reveal more of yourself to yourself, and some of this will shine a light on your faults, and narrow views.  It is an invitation to grow up and grow deeper than the safety of group think that stays on the dogma level and wish list relationship with their God.

Listening While Thinking

What I say to young people who ask about meditation is this: if you want to really listen to someone, don’t you stop focusing on your thoughts, on what is going through your mind, so that you can pay attention.  Think of the times that you have to ask, “What?” As in what did you say, because you were not listening?  You were tuned into your thoughts, your agenda, and not available to listen to another person.  Well think of God as this Other who wants to communicate with you.  In order to pay attention to God, you have to first stop focusing on your thoughts.  This is what meditation practice is for beginners.  And what might God say?  Well, you will soon find out that God is action more than words.  God acts in silence for one who is paying attention.  Even if you “feel” nothing, God is at work and feelings are not very good indicators of God at work.  God is deeper than feelings sometimes and will take you there if you wait and practice each day.

Narrow Gate

HOMILY NOTES

FR. TERRY RYAN, CSP

LUKE 13: 22-30

AUGUST 25, 2019

The question Jesus is asked, “Are few people to be saved?” is the question that “good church” people tend to ask.  They are obeying all the rules, doing as they are told by higher ups, and figure they are among the small “elite” surrounded by fallen away, non-attending, wrong life style people, and casual believers.  The questioner wants to be assured that all their faithful hard work is going to get them “saved.”  

Jesus sees that these are good people, who have one fatal flaw that would ruin any party Jesus gave.  They would be trying to keep people out who don’t measure up as they see it.  Only the right people should go to the feast.  So Jesus plays them a bit.  That is, he takes their fault and lets them go with it to an absurd conclusion.  Say what?  He tells them to go through the narrow gate that few are strong enough to enter.  This appeals to the spiritual pride of these people who love a challenge to do the tough thing for God. 

Each large house, mansion, where big feasts might be held has a back gate or door.  It is hard to get through as the path is not well maintained, has prickly bushes over hanging branches and yucky bugs ready to bite.  Servants might use it from time to time.  The gate or door is rusty and hard to open and is often locked.  But these people take up the challenge and off they go.  

Now the party can begin.  People come from everywhere for the feast.  No questions asked.  Unconditional acceptance.  Just show up.  This is God’s hospitality in the kingdom.  These people come in the wide open front gate and doors.  The “elite” would think these the last people who should get in, if at all.  Meanwhile, the elite are banging on the back gate.  Now Jesus will not keep them out.  He is disciplining them tongue in cheek style.  Eventually, they will come around the front and will get into the feast, dismayed at the crowd.  But they who thought themselves first will be the last to enter, after the feast is well under way and beyond their power to limit who enters.  For those who think they are on the outside of acceptance, God’s love is wide open and welcoming.  For those who think they are insiders, God is the disciplinarian, to challenge their faults, to bring out the best in them.  All at the feast, in the end, are needed and wanted.

Florence Nightingale

Many of us think that normal is whatever we find in the everyday of our growing up life.  For the poor their dwellings may have little circulation of air, food is minimal in nutrition and dirt is everywhere.  So too, the charity hospitals of the 19th century and much of medical care then, lacked sanitation, ventilation and nutrition.  Florence Nightingale, a nurse, thought that what “is” does not have to be the norm. She believed in sanitation, ventilation and nutrition.  She put her ideas into practice and they bore nationally known results in the Crimean War.  Mortality was reduced by half.  So the next time someone says, “Well that is just the way it is,” you might consider that what “is” does not have to be.  Oh, and Florence’s rich father thought it all dreadfully wrong that she would become a nurse.  What did he know!

Barricades

Someone mentioned the barricades we put up without evening noticing them, that keep out the holy mystery from effecting our lives.  Some of the barricades are, compulsive busyness, mindless routine and endless clutter in our lives.  In these few days that I am in Boulder, I am guilty of all three barricades.  I seem to set the tone for the day, and it is full of stuff, the “to do” list.  Even when I carve out or stumble into some “free” and “quiet” time, I am thinking of the important thing that I am not doing. As if my quiet time were not important.  My closet and room is filled with stuff that needs to go or be stored somewhere else.  “Storing” usually means I am not ready to get rid of something until I finally accept that I will never use it or need it again.  I did give away three pair of shoes, and boxes of books.  I found books I forgot I had that I was going to read because they were “important” books.  And so it goes.  I like the idea of “God the Thief.”  Come God and steal away all the barricades I put up to keep you out. Sure as heck I do not have the power.

What Is Wrong?

Someone said that if something feels wrong, it usually is.  This applies to me.  My first notion about what is wrong is the "other" person is messing up, or the situation is all messed up and I bear the suffering from cosmic unrest.  This is because I have judged someone or some things.  I blamed the outside world, and felt powerless to fix it.  In fact, the other persons might be problematic and practicing bad behavior.  But will my judgment change them?  It has not to this day.  I want to be free of this "feeling."  I have learned to look at myself. What could use changing in me is my attitude and my lack of acceptance.  I can choose to change my attitude though the outsides stay the same.  I can accept people places and situations to be as they are at this time.  I cannot fix it.  So why be frustrated?  I am not God, who by the way, does not seem interested in fixing the world around me as I view it.  Attitude and acceptance have helped me in many a situation to feel better, and have a better day, while the world goes on as it goes on.  As long as I stay sane, I will avoid the truly dangerous.

Rest

The idea of Sabbath seems to start with religion, but with the Industrial revolution and the economy shifting from farming to manufacturing, the industrialists could run their factory machinery seven days a week, plus there was plenty of cheap labor with 19th century immigration from Europe.  The fight for "Sabbath" was really a resistance movement against inhumane working conditions.  Labor unions played a big part in this.  The Jews who had a Saturday Sabbath were a minority.  The Christians pushed for Sunday to be work free.  Today it seems that the unions prevailed to some extent.  That is, you don't work in the factory, but you are anything but resting.  Lots of stores are open, as are athletic and other recreational events.  Sunday Football is king.  Lots of people do work on Sundays in the sports, entertainment and service industry.  So when do you get your extended rest?  Mine is certainly not Sunday with its religious services.  I usually clean my room and do laundry on Sunday.  I need a life!  Leisure is not the same as shouting at a sports event.  My Mom did not have a Sabbath.  We would have starved, us helpless kids.

Union

I do pray for others.  Many people ask me to pray for them or someone else.  So I have my daily prayer list.  But I find this is not enough for me.  I see prayer as having a dimension of non-duality, or the aspect of Union with this Power or Mystery with whom I am relating.  When I petition for someone, there is the someone, then the God, and then me.  Lots of duality here and that is OK.  But it is all about my will, or the will of the one who asked.  So I try to add, each day, a time of mediation in which I say, “Your will be done.”  It is a no petition time.   No requests or complaints or suggestion box.  Just sit, ignore thoughts, breathe into the present moment.  Not always easy.  But I often feel more connected, more quiet, and a sense of Presence after the mediation.  Works for me.

Drowning In Possibilities

I saw the phrase, “Drowning in a sea of possibilities.”  Just think of all the images flashing on your digital devices, or the list of household stuff, or jog stuff, or people stuff, or exercise stuff, that keep waving at you for attention, NOW!  So manny groups want you to volunteer for stuff.  You have stick-em notes on your refrigerator, with magnets.  Options harden into imperatives and we become paralyzed.  What to do?  I find that I have to ask myself am I being true to who I am?  Meditation grounds me in a truer me and not in the must-do list that comes from someone else, or from my fear-based, ego-centric, control-driven, judgmental self.    Left to myself, no spiritual energy, my fallback position is “Crazy.” I live someone else’s “to do” agenda, or pay attention to a voice of shame and guilt.  That qualifies as “Crazy.”   I meditate often out of desperation, or at times, to avoid crazy.  If my blog is becoming one of the possibilities in which you are drowning I could be part of the problem and not the solution.  Tell me it isn’t so!

A Nothing Prayer

Someone told me that he was trying to improve or recover his life from a bit of a disaster life style, and he was told to pray.  Well, he does not believe in God, but rather than spend a lot of time working on “belief” he just prayed to nothing.  But he did pray.  Now mystics will say that this fellow was quite advanced.  You see, most of us have to let go of childish ideas about God that we begin to get when we are children, such as the old man in the his sky-heaven.  Mystics say that we are supposed to advance in the spiritual journey from dualistic thinking, that is, God and me, to non-dual thinking, that is, union, to beyond union, which is Nothingness, no concepts, beyond the awareness of being aware.  Wow.  I sure have not gotten there, but this fellow already prays to nothing.  And his life is getting better.  Must be some power in this No Thing God.  So don’t worry about faith.  Maybe it is overrated.  Just pray/meditate.

Moods

If I am in an uncomfortable mood, such as angry, lonely, afraid, and I do something unhealthy or dangerous to escape the mood, I will still be angry, lonely afraid, but now with something to make my life messier.  Like what? Well, I could drink alcohol, and then drive, I could take a pain pill, eat a lot of sugar, exercise till I have overstressed my body, or get so busy getting things done, that I give up sleep and prayer.  Or add to your list, pornography and shopping till you drop.  Instead, I just admit that I am feeling something, don’t blame anyone, but recognize it as just a feeling and I don’t have to act on it.  Maybe a little music, reading, meditation, a walk can be just what I need.  Sometimes, it is just a good rest.  Try being good to yourself a bit today.  It is quite possible this is on no one else’s agenda

Noah

In the Bible story of Noah and the Ark, the people of the world had messed up, gone off course as to the care of the world and one another.  So God is going to destroy it all.  But Noah has a chance to save something for the future.  He is a singular figure who has to have great faith that he can make a difference.  People ridicule him, but he daily pursues his course of building the ark and collecting pairs of animals.  The rains come and the earth is destroyed along with all who were living in it, except for Noah and the inhabitants of the Ark.  What a story for ecology.  People are messing up and not loving the earth and seem indifferent to many cultures, if not hostile.  You think yourself a singular figure who can do nothing? Powerless to make a difference ecologically or culturally?  Think of Noah.  One person can make a difference.  It might be you.  Recycle anew.  Be kind to the stranger.  You never know.

Humility: Part Two

I am one to praise humility as a virtue, but it has two parts.  The first part is to admit that I cannot do something by myself.  But if that is as far as I get, there will be no real change for the better in me.  The second part of humility is to ask for help from someone who knows better than me.  Humility does not mean that I am completely helpless.  I can ask for help.  False pride does me no good.  With such pride, I continue to mess up on my own power or lack thereof.  Asking for help is the real strength of humility.  It is what leads to change for the better.  The key is not to ask someone who is as powerless, clueless and disfunctional as me, but someone who I see can be a real help.  I can ask god for help, but then sometimes God works through another person who can show me the way from their own practice of doing things the right way, the way out of bondage to self.

Resurrection

A fellow named Herod, a king in the Bible, believe in resurrection from the dead.  He said so when he described Jesus.  He said that Jesus was John the Baptist raised from the dead.  But Herod’s faith in the idea of resurrection did not make him a good person.  He got drunk at a party and to save face on a promise he had made, went and ordered John the Baptist beheaded.  Not nice behavior.  I find a lot of Christians say they believe in resurrection from the dead, in Jesus’ case anyway, but it does not make them better persons from this dogmatic belief.  Creeds don’t make people behave better.  Becoming a good, selfless, compassionate, forgiving person is hard work.  I have found some non-believers doing the hard work of change for the better.  And many a believer, not so much.

Successful Imbalances

Walking is a series of uninterrupted successful imbalances.  There is a moment when you are out of balance but you instinctively know what to do since you have been doing it for some time.  So you don’t fall down.  When you fall down, it is because you did not correct for the imbalance. Age and injury can diminish that instinct.  An infant has not developed this capacity to correct imbalance.  So they try to walk, but fall down.  Fortunately, they do not have far to fall.  For an adult, try putting your pants on one leg at a time while standing.  You might tip over or stumble because you have not done it enough times to automatically correct the imbalance.  World class distance runners frequently have both feet off the ground but they have learned how to stay quite balanced from practice.  So why should anything new in life come easily?  New sobriety, new marriage, new relationship, new job, new home, new city, why get all frustrated that things are not “flowing.”  Humility, patience, and practice are necessary.  You should see me tap dance now!  Oops, there goes the humility.

Picking Your Facts

It amazes me how Christians seem to pick and choose what they think are facts in the bible to suit their comfort zone.  For instance when Jesus says anything about gehenna or fires of judgment, such as weeds being thrown into a "fiery furnace" the take this as fact to prove that there is a hell and it is fire.  But when Jesus says, "Love thy neighbor" or "Turn the other cheek" or "Forgive as you are forgiven," these same people will say Jesus didn't mean that literally or in all cases.  Many of us want to love those who look like us and are user friendly to our agenda, but have really problems with anyone else of color, language or economic status.  But we want to avoid the fire.  So we cherry pick the fruit that fits our comfort zone.  My sister Maureen said that I was going to burn.  I hope she was just having bad days when she said that.  She had a lot of bad days when I was underfoot.

Blame

Why blame Jesus for the way Christianity developed over the centuries?  As soon as I mention Jesus people get upset.  If I say Buddha or Krishna there is no getting upset.  Some even think that the world begins and ends on almost any spiritual founder but Jesus.  I think it is all about whatever your growing up experience is.  For me, Jesus is the Enlightened One for his followers.  He cannot help that many of them never got enlightened.  Jesus would fit well into today's spirituality of non-duality. The one prayer, simple as it is, that he taught his disciples, says to forgive others since we have been forgiven.  In other words we are all interconnected.  He says to seek and you will find.  Most of us seek stuff that is anything but enlightenment or awakening.  The receiving of the Holy Spirit is another way of saying we receive Enlightenment.  Many receive but are clueless about what to do, and meditation is rarely part of the picture.  I am sure that there are a few Buddhists and Hindus who are selfish, self-centered, egotistical and hypocritical, just like Christians.  But why blame the Founders for the followers?  I don't even think they would consider themselves founders of anything but a wisdom, a vision, a way of life, that is rarely understood much less practiced.

The Eye

If we can look with the eye on the present moment we might be able to see what is going on.  We have to focus with both eyes, if we have two good ones.  Some people might say they have only one good eye and so cannot see so well.  But it can be worse, and I don't mean blindness.  You could be looking with one eye to the past and one eye to the future.  No eye is looking on the present moment. The past and future can be resentment, fear, fantasy, happy memories, and so on, but they won't see what is going on in the "NOW."  People say they cannot find God, or connect with others, or peace, or a solution to a now issue.  Often it is because we are not in the moment.  Most answers begin in the moment.  We can only take action now.  We can think about past action or future action, but neither are doing anything at the moment.  When I find myself not focused on what is in front of me, it is usually because I am looking elsewhere.  Yesterday's solution and tomorrow's solution are not today's solution.

The Solution

I remember very early after Ordination, I was going to be the "perfect" priest, who would solve the problems of the church that eluded the mere mortal priest.  In time, I came to realize I was not even the solution to my own problems.  I did many good things, but my life would keep going sideways  if not slipping into the abyss.  Fortunately, I stumbled upon "surrender" as it applied to my situation.  I must give up seeking what I want and allow God into my life to show me what is best for me.  I was too self-will run riot too many times in my life.  While my goal was to fix the church, my way of doing it was to seek what I want.  Instead of being smart and wise, I was clueless.  I thought about this last night when I attended the Bill Joel concert.  It was my first time.  I recognized several wonderful songs but did not know they were his.  He is old and fat but can still deliver a full show plus.  The place was packed, a 40,000 seat baseball stadium and many of the people were young and knew the words.  I thought about all this. what kind of priest have I become?  What if I am the only priest in the whole 40,000 people, and with my three girl friends!  Having a wonderful time, swaying, clapping, waving my arms, singing and smiling.  I was happy, as in "this is me."  I don't think I am a bad priest, just an odd one, often a peg in the wrong hole.  Do you ever think that of yourself, finding joy and freedom outside of stereotypes?  I guess I am no poster boy for clerics.  But I would be a good listener and connector for Billy Joel fans, many of whom are the young that my church cannot attract!  And Billy is still going strong at 70, so I am not retiring from my misfit life.  I might even be helping a lot of people I will never meet.  Be you, but be sane.

Service

Some people believe that if you are a servant then you are not free, as in free to do what you want.  I don't know that "doing what you want" makes you free.  What if you are addicted to something like work, a relationship, a substance, food?  You are not free if you have lost the power of choice.  I think that you are free when you serve.  Free of what?  Free of the self-centered ego that imprisons many of us. Recovery programs and religion both say that you should be of service.  You are supposed to help the still struggling victim of their addiction, and that takes your time and energy.   But being of service, you help to set yourself free from the stuff that used to imprison you in your addiction.  Jesus said that you are the greatest when you are a servant.  Buddhism has the Boddisatva, the adept, who holds back from entering Nirvana so as to bring the Darma to other sentient beings, beginners.  Freedom is service.  Be set free.  Help someone.  And don't worry about the results.  That is not your job.

Donation Or Contributions

These twelve step recovery programs such as AA do not take donations.  They are not a Foundation, and decided that because they did not want donations. They want contributions.  There is a difference.  You give donations to organizations that you might attend rarely, like a museum, or to a cause that you think is worthwhile but you will not give any service time to them, like the American Cancer Society.  AA is not interested in the money from such people.  They want participation, and membership that shows up and does something to make the organization function for the purpose for which it was founded.  They pass the hat at meetings.  You don't attend meetings?  You don't do any service work for AA?  Try sending your big check to their headquarters.  They will send it back to you.  I like that.  I look at churches.  If they took only the money from people who attended, when the basket is passed, and who actually did some volunteer work, they would go broke.  Many churches are forever trying to get money, donations, from people and places that have little to do with the church.  I suspect that AA will survive a lot of such churches.  If you belong to some organization ask yourself if you seek donations, or are contributions sufficient.  It will tell you a lot about your purpose and how you are doing in your mission.

Endarkenment

You have heard of Enlightenment.  It seems that is when you awaken to some truth.  What is the matter with "dark?"  If you check your bible and Genesis, that would be the very beginning of the bible, you see that dark was never created.  It is just there or here. I guess the Genesis Creator God liked dark.  Before we had light bulbs, humans spent a lot of time in the dark.  The whole idea of an eight hours night sleep came with the light bulb. People spent a lot of time in the dark and did not sleep through the night.  Maybe humans are not made so much to sleep for eight straight hours, as we are made to be in the dark and learn stuff from it.  Some mystics say that the closest relationship or union with "The Mystery," is in the darkness of their prayer.  For believers of a God, faith is not about a dogma, but about the trust that their God is hidden in what seems to be empty darkness.  When I get into bed, I meditate and let the darkness teach me something.  Maybe I will get endarkened!  So if you have trouble sleeping, it may not be depression, but the Divine trying to awaken you, or endark you.  Ever go caving?  Now that is dark.

Forcing Faith Or Membership

There was this emperor named Charlemagne.  He lived a long time ago.  His goal was to unite his kingdom by having one religion.  He was a baptized Christian.  So he went around and defeated in war, people within his borders who might otherwise oppose or ignore him.  But they were not all Christian.  So his policy was conversion by the sword.  Now you say that is old fashioned, but if it is still being done today, then it is not so old.  I hear some people of institutional religion say such things as "Convert to may religion or burn."  Or, what I used to hear, "If you miss mass on Sunday, it is a mortal sin and you burn if you die in mortal sin."  This sounds a lot like Charlemagne.  Some things never change.  It is faith by fear and it does not work.  My big Sis, Maureen, used to say to me that she was the boss who knew what was the right thing to do and if I did not obey her, I would burn.  When I would not obey her rules, she would say, "You are bad.  You will burn."  Fear is one way to get obedience or change of behavior, but it will never be much of a spiritual life.

A Resentment Solution

If you find yourself having resentments on a daily, regular basis, and I do, here is a solution that often works for me.  Gratitude.  Now there is gratitude for the things that you do have and take for granted. Yes, be grateful for them.  Have a grateful attitude.  This will help ward off resentments.  But someone taught me that I should have gratitude for the person or situation that I resent.  For instance, someone does not clean up after themselves, or takes the last portion of something, but does not add it to the grocery list.  I can have a bad day in resentment, but they probably won't change.  So maybe you married the wrong person or took the wrong kid home from the hospital.  Why have a bad day over it?  Think of something they do that does make your life better, and be grateful for that.  Or you are in a traffic jam, which is becoming more common in cities.  You can be resentful or angry that you won't get where you are going at a certain time.  But you can be grateful that you have a car, with air-conditioning or heat, cell phone connection to call a friend and Spotify or Pandora.  Resentment won't get you where you are going any faster than gratitude, so why be miserable?  You don't have Spotify? Air or heat? No cell phone?  Wow.  Well, be grateful for your simple lifestyle.

The Darkness

There are good people of faith who pray their rosary, have their novenas, holy pictures and little home table altars of concrete reminders of God.  These are good people and do good things, but they are not fire.  Become fire?  Only if you are willing to be in the darkness.  There is no need for fire if all around you is light, filled with certainty.  The darkness is where you lack a sense of presence, or success whatever that is in your prayer life.  All seems bleak and empty and dark.  You think you lack faith or your spiritual life is a failure.  Your prayer is dry and boring.  You are empty and feeling alone.  This is where you begin to trust that God is at work while you are powerless. This is the great leap.  It is humbling.  All you can do is keep showing up.  Eventually, you might become fire, and then the darkness is lit up and you experience "the dark light" of union beyond any good feeling of holy cards and rituals.  Your nothingness is God's everything.  In weakness there is strength.  Become fire.

The Friend

It is not true that alcoholics drink alone.  They never drink alone.  They always drink with their friend, alcohol.  Over time, they get to know their friend pretty well, its capabilities to make the moment different, better or worse.  For a while they can enjoy their friend, but then in time, their friend becomes indispensible, though far less enjoyable.  A darkening dependency develops.  Many people in codependency know of this kind of relationship.  You get worse, more unhappy, but you stay in the relationship.  The friendship is gone, the dependency is not.  The alcoholic is now alone more than ever, but still with their old friend who in a cunning fashion, has turned on them and wants them dead.  Alcoholics in recovery share at least two things: Gratitude and the need for new friends.

Impulse

Impulse for me is an action that has little consideration of the consequences.  There is no real planning beyond the initial action.  This is not the same thing as an urge/sudden desire/itch to do something.  You have the urge to go swimming but you plan it out with all the gear you will need and how much time you have and where to go that will be safe.  An impulse, say to drink, has no planning beyond how to get the first drink.  There is no consideration of the consequences.  If you are an addict, this is a problem.  Impulses for addicts never stop at one.  You can have an impulse to buy something that you cannot afford, like a car.  Here, the consequences are of payments.  The impulse does not consider that.  So when you sense that you have a sudden urge, or interest, or desire, ask yourself if this is an impulse?  It is if you don't consider the consequences.

Listen, Not Just Hear

I used to take notes when I attended some talk or seminar.  I heard the speaker and was busy taking notes, thinking, I will digest this stuff later.  In other words, I heard but I did not listen.  I don't do that anymore.  I found that I could not remember much at all that the speaker said, and soon enough forgot whatever I memorized from the notes.  I did not internalize what I heard.  I did not listen and take it in so that I could remember it.  Now I listen, rather than merely hear, and internalize it.  I remember it better that way.  I am more present to the speaker when I listen.  When someone comes to talk to me I don't take notes.  I listen.  I am present to them and remember better later on what they said.  Except in the confessional where I have been gifted with the ability to forget what people just confessed.  So my relationship outside the confessional in never affected by their confession.  Boy, the stuff I could tell you!  But I have forgotten it all.