Where The Crawdads Sing

Did you ever find yourself responding to another person in a way to please them, but it is not really you.  Your response is not authentic.  Kya did this with a guy.  She laughed at something he said though she did not think it was funny.  Girls can tend to do this.  Why?  Not being a girl, I am not sure, but the author of the book says it is "giving away a piece of yourself" each time yo do it.  You don't want to be lonely or you do want to belong to someone.  These were two reason that Kya laughed.  It got me to thinking that each time I do this in my own interactions with people, am I giving away a piece of myself?  And if I do it often, then will there be no more me, authentic me, but only a fake me?  A spiritual path is one that helps us to discover our true self and live it out.  It takes courage and determination on a day to day basis, and sometimes can pay a price.  I keep this in mind when I think of a response or reaction to what someone else says, does or wants.  Oh, and if you figured out the mystery of Chase's demise, you are a better detective than I was.  I thought I knew but really had no clue.  There were clues but that is for another blog! Read the book.

The Bridge

In San Francisco we have some persons who are very happy and some who are very sad.  Sometimes, it is the same person.  They get very happy with substances, since they cannot find happiness otherwise.  Without the substances, they can get very sad, even suicidal in solutions to unhappiness.  Something does not go their way, or they don't get their plans fulfilled that day.  They get resentful, self-pitying, judgmental, blaming, so they decide to "take it to the bridge."  We have beautiful bridges in San Francisco, such as Golden Gate.  This bridge has a walkway for pedestrians and suicide attempts.  The Bay beneath is cold with terrible currents.  Though pretty to look at, it will pretty much do the job of ending your life just with the fall into the Bay.  I find that the best way to deal with this solution to unhappiness is to talk about it to someone who might understand and not judge you.  They might have a second opinion about what to do that is healthier.  Since I have a fear of heights, the bridge has never been my solution.  Thank you HP for phobias! Take a step over the bridge is a solution.  But I have found there are 12 other steps that solve suicidal thinking.

Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving!  And if it is not happy as you read this it might get a bit better with some reflection and/or action.  If you are unhappy because you lost someone you love who made for past Happy Thanksgivings, then your sadness is in part because this was a wonderful person in your life.  We are sad when we lose the gift or a living relationship, but we did have this wonderful person in our life at one time.  We lost a gift, but it was nonetheless a gift.  For some of us, we are not with family or friends we love on this day.  When this happens to me, I try to plan for being of service to others who might be struggling this day.  I remember getting together with  other single persons who were away from family and making a Thanksgiving together at one of our apartments.  In other words you don't have to be alone and lonely.  For some of us, our solutions for loneliness are very self-destructive.  In San Francisco, we call it "Taking It To The Bridge."

The Good Sister

Well the arm is not healing.  It is getting infected.  So I am now in LA with my sister and she agreed that we should do something.  She knew about a UCLA urgent Care nearby that is very good.  So we went there, twice.  The first time it was not opened. We went back at the opening and got in with little wait after I filled out forms.  The doctor and nurses were very good and clear.  Anti-biotics, bandages that do not stick to the wound, unlike the one I had on, antiseptic solutions on the parts of wound that were leaking or “angry.”  My sister listened to the instructions because I don’t always get it right being somewhat fear based with my wounds.  So now we have a plan.  It is good to be with my sister who knows what to do.  Two heads are better than one, especially since one head is not working too well.  That would be mine.  Jane goes to heaven.  Me maybe not.  I have to see my doctor when I get back to Boulder, but he does not know that since his office is not coming to work in the Thanksgiving Blizzard.  One day at a time.

Being Found

Some days I get the notion that my spiritual path is all about losing myself.  Say what?  Well, instead of focusing so much on me and my wants or expectations, I let go of my "getting" agenda, and just "be" for a few moments.  I let go of the thinking about me.  It is not easy but when I can do it for snippets of time, I seems to get found by some power or energy or reality that is always within and around me, but ignored or avoided.  This is a positive power of goodness, love, compassion, acceptance and service, which is ignored by selfish, self-centered, fear-based persons like I can be.  Do you sometimes feel that the normal you is just bad, a mess?  Think of it as an opinion or a temporary phase that can be changed by "letting go" for a few minutes.  The purpose of my meditation, my spiritual practice, is to be "found."  So I lose myself.  You cannot be found if you are not lost.

Finding The Pieces

Some days I just have to scrape together pieces of love.  I am scattered, as we say.  At these times I find loving to be defuse.  It is not concentrated enough to overcome bondage to self and a whining attitude.  I have plenty of that on such days.  What to do?  I try prayer, meditation, some focus reading on the spiritual path.  They act like magnets, pulling together the pieces of love spread apart in my heart.  Loving becomes a bigger part of my attitude and actions.  Love concentrates into a power that overcomes the darkness, the moodiness, fears, laziness, and I can become a more positive force in the world around me.  Prayer as a magnet!  I am blessed whenever I feel pulled in the direction of love.

Ouch

Ouch

Losing

I have found that one way to keep a relationship intact, is to start losing fights and arguments.  We all get into disagreements.  Sometimes you both go back to your corners and await another round to pick up the battle.  It has been a hard lesson to learn, but I have started losing arguments about how things should be.  I guess this is surrender.  Resentments, judgments, anger, whining, and bondage to self all seem to slip away.  So I did not get my way, but I feel better and am still connected with the other person in some tranquility.  I cannot help being right all the time!  It is my cross.  And a lot of needless suffering goes with this cross.  I have become a more contented loser.  Hmmm.

Dry Patch

When you might walk through a field or area that has green, healthy grass, you might come across a dry patch.  You are standing in it and have not the foggiest notion why this patch is dry, surrounded by green grass.  Prayer is like that. We sometimes end up in a dry patch and we don’t know why.  We think maybe we have done something wrong.  It is our fault that the patch is dry.  But maybe it is just a dry patch and we move on.  A spiritual way is a moving on.  There are days or moments of prayer when we are in a dry patch. If you keep to your practice, it is not your fault.  It is just part of the journey through the fields of deepening growth.  We all have spiritual dry patches.  You are not in a wrong place, but just a place.  No blame.  Just trudge along.  Some days you will be like Julie Andrews singing and dancing in a green mountain field, as in what movie?  This is a test.

Big Daddy

Nineteen years ago yesterday, Big Daddy died.  He was Fr. Ed Lyons, CSP.  He liked to drink, smoke, eat unhealthy foods, had a big pot belly, and I thought him a mess.  How wrong I was.  I judged him because I was a mess, too immature to see the mentor who he was.  He taught me a lot and I only realized this years later.  He had a real love and compassion for people who were hurting and down on themselves.  He put up with me whereas I thought I was some gift in his life.  He was the gift in my life.  He saw something in me that was good, a potential, beyond the dumb, selfish, egocentric things I did.  I am still a priest and a better one because of Big Daddy.  So when I see someone acting like a jerk, I will ask myself, “What would Big Daddy do?”  Maybe this person has some potential and I need to be patient and be a teacher even if the student is not ready.  Maybe when I am gone, I will have left some light behind for whenever people grow up to turn on the switch.  So try not to judge, but rather to model a better behavior.  Don’t worry about the results. They may take more time than you will be given to see.

Terry TV

There are days when I watch only one TV station.  It is channel “Terry TV.”  I know others who do the same in their own lives.  My channel is about me and it gets boring, but I watch anyway.  No service or usefulness to anyone.  My channel’s themes are self-pity, victimhood, blaming anyone and anything but me, and happy endings if people would cooperate instead of be the problem.  Lots of reruns.  I am trying not to make today one of these Terry TV days.  I will soon turn off the TV and meditate, then go for a walk, read a good book, ask other people how they are doing, even though my arm is falling off from gashing it last night in a fall.  A bad mood or Terry TV is not going to make me heal.  Wound care, patience, and some rest will do a better job.  And chocolate.  It should be a part of all first aide kits and we are without!

The ER

I took a really bad fall last evening.  I was bringing food-filled trays into the house for the priests and fell down some stairs in the car port.  No one heard my shouts for help.  Food and blood all over the place.  We had next to nothing in the house for wound care.  A parishioner took me by Uber to the Emergency Room at the local hospital.  Fortunately, they were not having a busy night.  I had a Cat Scan for my head and X-ray for my wrist.  One arm was cut from elbow to wrist.  They had to put some kind of skin onto my skin and them wrap my arm all up.  I was quite scared.  No broken bones but a lot of soreness.  My head is OK.  Nice to know that, after all these years.  Since I dropped the dinner for all the priests on the ground, I had no food while in the ER.  For some reason I was not hungry.  I left the hospital walking quite slowly.  I hope by the time you get this, I will be sleeping.  Right now I am grateful.  So when something bad happens, sometimes it could be worse.  No showers for a day or two.  Hoping I am on the mend.  Prayers if you are so inclined.  I have no chocolate in my room.  I am unprepared for trauma.

The Parasites

In the movie, "The Parasites" there is a conversation in which the family who is poor, agrees that they would be "nice" if they had all the advantages of the rich family they are using for their own ends.  They have this conversation as they sit in the home of a rich family, who are away, and eat all the food and drink they want while in this lap of luxury.  But they do not become nice.  They do not help those who ask for it.  They think only of themselves.  They think the rich wife is nice only because she has all the material things needed to make niceness.  Maybe her niceness does not come from money.  As we see in the movie, miserable, unhappy people spread their misery around.  So when I say I am unhappy because I lack some material conmfort, some work success, or plans unfulfilled, I might need to be reminded that my unhappiness probably comes from within.

The End

I hear people say, “In the end things will all work out.”  I say no.  They are not working out at all.  Things, whatever things are, seem to be in disarray.  I am restless, irritable, discontented, and whining because life is a mess right now.  You know what I hear back when I say all this?  I hear, “Then it is not the end yet.”  Which means what for me?  It means that I have to keep trudging along with hope, trust, faith and do the work.  Most of all, do the work, regardless of how I feel.  If I only prayed, been useful to others, did my job, when I wanted or felt fired up, I would do little or at least a let less work than I do now.  Being an adult, growing up, is hard work.  Well, at least it is for me.

Anxiety

As someone said, anxiety about something tomorrow won’t prevent the pain of tomorrow.  Anxiety cannot change the future.  But anxiety can take away our happiness for today.  Anxiety has power in the present moment, but not in future moments.  I try to keep this in mind when I find myself worrying about the future, as if my worry could change the future.  I might switch the energy of anxiety to doing something positive today, that might effect a better tomorrow, and make today a better day.  Action in the now, the present, has power.  Anxiety is the now, the present moment, has power only to mess up my happiness today.

Meetings

I go to meetings that help my spiritual and emotional life to grow.  If I stop going to these meetings there is one thing I am sure to miss.  What?  I will miss finding out what happens to people who stop going to meetings, because I won’t be there for those who come back after their stoppage.  By being consistent in my attendance, I find out that a lot of messy things go on for the people who say, “I am bored.  I don’t need these meetings anymore.”  Their life, from the ones who come back, gets a lot worse by non-attendance.  Boredom, I have found, is not a singular base upon which to make decisions.  I tend to avoid boredom by trying to see how I can be helpful to others.  Boredom is all about me not getting something for me.  Spiritual and emotional growth means that life is no longer all about me.  So don’t stop reading these blogs simply because you get bored.  There may be other reasons!

The Cost Of Delay

Yesterday, I finally got around to cleaning my room.  I had been away on holiday for a couple of weeks in California so my room in San Francisco had been 'Untended" for that duration.  It pretty much took all morning.  There were sheets and towels to be washed and fresh linens and bed making.  Then there was my clothes laundry to be done.  Then there was the gathering of cleaning products from our basement six stories below my room, including the vacuum cleaner. Empty the full waste baskets which went to trash bins two floors below where I live.  I found a lot of dirt and dust in the bathroom and bedroom.  I thought the whole process would be easier but it was not.  Why?  Because I had put off the project.  I was away.  I think of the spiritual journey being like cleaning my room/bathroom.  Put off the daily spiritual practice and what happens?  It becomes a lot of work to get back to it.  Only the mess of one's life will get many of us to start cleaning up the interior sludge.  Now that my room is clean, I work on keeping it clean each day, so that when I go back to changing bedding and laundry and trash, it will not be such a monstrous chore.  I try to do the same with prayer and spiritual practice in my daily life.  Make it daily, and the interior housekeeping will not be such a chore.  Delay has a cost.

Enough

If someone who is doing too much of something and cannot stop doing it on their own, don’t bother to ask them if they want to stop.  They might very well say yes, but this yes will only be short-term.  They just want to stop until they feel better.  Then they will go back to old behavior in their over-indulgence.  They are not yet finished.  A better question to ask is, “Have you had enough?”  If they have had enough, then they are ready to give it up.  They are filled up with enough misery.  I have tried to stop things in the past in my own life, but I could not because I still had a capacity for “MORE.”  When I was finally asked if I had had enough I thought about it and said yes.  I was ready to give it up. I had hit my capacity for misery.  Now I am no fortune teller, so I cannot predict the future, but I have learned how to make today a good prep for tomorrow, so that my “enough” stays in the past.

Mary Clarke

“Happiness does not depend on where you are,” so says Mary Clarke.  Who is she?  Well, she fascinates me.  She voluntarily lived in a women’s prison for nearly 30 years.  She was known as the “Prison Angel.”  She had a Beverly Hills lifestyle, two divorces, raised seven kids.  She did some small prison visiting ministry in Tijuana.  But she felt called to do more in service to Jesus.  No religious order would accept a 50 year old divorced woman, so she sews her own habit, makes private vows to herself and her God, gets permission to live in a prison cell and walk among some serious felons.  For 30 years!  So I guess she was happy.  She said she was never depressed there.  She had found “a reason for living.”  So if you cannot find a reason for living in your present situation maybe a drastic change is in order.  Anyhow, Mary Clarke is an example of someone who did it.

Living Amends

It is one thing to say “I am sorry,” for some past behavior.  It is a good thing to do when we find ourselves in the wrong.  But there is more to an amends than a one time, “I am sorry.”  It is called a Living Amends.  This means that we change our life.  We stop the behavior for which we needed to apologize.  Otherwise, we develop a bad habit and continue to hurt people.  As a priest, I have people come to confession and say what they did and that they are sorry.  Nice apology to their God.  Then they go out and do the same stuff all over again.  Bad habits are not broken by apologizes.  Often, the apology is simply to make yourself feel better.  One’s life begins to change for the better when they begin to have compassion for the people they hurt.  This is because they are beginning to connect and bond with other people.  Before, it was all about themselves, a selfish focus.  I have an obligation to others, that after an apology, I have to act in a more loving and caring manner toward them.  That is the hard part.  I wish growing up were easier, but it is not.

Turn Off Button

For some people, there are times when they simply cannot turn off their brain.  What?  Well, they get into a critical or negative frame of mind, resentment energy quickly builds up, they talk to to themselves about how bad someone or something is.  They might know this is a bad direction, but even so, they cannot turn off the brain or the committee that is in their head.  This is why I believe that something like Centering Prayer can be helpful.  Centering Prayer is an example of the practice of letting go of thoughts, feelings and ideas as they crop up during the meditation.  It is not about having spiritual experiences of feeling good.  It is simply a prayer that learns to withdraw attention from one’s thoughts.  The prayer has other parts to it and you can read up on it, but for people who cannot tun off the brain, it is a good practice.  I do it myself and I find it helpful.  You don’t need to believe in a God.  Besides, whatever your belief is, you let that go to.  It gives me an off button for my monkey mind.

Transparent Motive

If you pay attention to a child out of guilt, such as “I should spend more time with this child,” they will often pick it up.  They know a faker.  It is best to spend time with the child out of love.  They will spot the difference.  So when I am going to spend time with children, I make sure that I have gotten any whining, or “poor me” out of my system.  I do a kind of spot inventory of character defects and emotional instability, if any be hanging around.  I won’t connect with the child or children if I am “doing my job,” or “putting in the time.”  They will pick it up.  They know faker priests.  I seem to connect with children because I am interested in them.  I look them in the eye and listen.  I try to make a point or teaching in a simple and short fashion.  And of course, I like to perform.  Tap dancing is a winner.  OK. I have a big ego, but I am having fun and so are they.  Fear is useless.  What is needed is...Pizzazz!  Did I just say that?

Truth

A little girl said, “Truth may hurt for a short time, but a lie hurts all the time.”  A little bit of guilt can go a long way to making us better persons.  Some people lie and it does not seem to bother them at all, but we don’t really know what is going on inside of them, and its consequences over the long haul.  A lie fixes an immediate situation.  A lie’s energy might come from fear, and fear is never eradicated by a lie.  Fear stays with us and has long term consequences.  I have found that facing the truth, telling it to someone, can have short term pain.  But it is short term and most often leads to a better outcome down the road.  I think of all the people who have benefited from telling the truth in a personal inventory or in making an amends.  They often find the outcomes much better than they feared.  When people ask me, “Are you a good priest?” I say, “No. I am mediocre.”  Though it may be true, often some nice consequences and surprises comes out of that.  To say that I am no good would be a lie, or that I am a ten on the scale would be a lie.  Mediocre fits.  But I have some good days too!  And some good blogs here and there.

Two Surrenders

A true spiritual path or any recovery process that has any hope of success, growth and maturity requires two surrenders.  The first surrender is to the fact that you need help.  Some people join religious groups for other reasons, and they don’t really improve much.  But when you know that you are not going to improve or get your life together left to your own will, then you have that chance to surrender to “I need help.”  People then seek out a spiritual path or some steps to take in progression. But the second surrender is to do the work.  You cannot just join or sign up or say you are a member of something or some group.  I see people who say that they need and want help.  Help is offered but they do not do the work.  They read nothing, get no advisor, and don’t work the spiritual path offered to them.  Without the second surrender, life continues downhill.  I have found it so.

Something New

It is always a good day for me when I learn something new.  I always wonder why the person doing the sign language (ASL) was so close to the speaker.  It seemed distracting to me.  Well, what do I know!  It seems that there are varying degrees of hearing impairment and some deaf people can read lips and SNL.  So they want the SNL person to be close enough to the speaker so that the deaf person can pick up by eye, two different sources of communication.  Duh!  I never did think of that.  Because it is not my issue, I had a very narrow view of hearing impaired communications.  I notice now that when a government official is giving a disaster report, such as about a fire, flood, storm warning, the SNL person is also on the TV screen.  This is so that hearing impaired people, who will be impacted by the issue, will have the best chance to get all the information available in the TV report.  Now, don’t you feel good that you learned something from a narrow-minded person like me?

Lightweight

Some people say that I am a “lightweight” in my preaching and blogs.  But I say, “Why burden people with things that are really complicated, or beyond their interest, or simply beyond them?  Would you tell a blind man who you are guiding, to turn left or right by simply pointing in whichever direction?  No.  The blind person cannot see.  So why point?  Simply say, “Left” or “Right.”  Sometimes I hear people speak about something and I say, “This is not helpful to me,” or “I don’t get it.”  A lot of people read my blogs, I hope, and they come from all different backgrounds and interests.  So I try to keep things somewhat simple.  Maybe I am simple, but so what.  Maybe God made me simple, to help simple people.  Anyhow, when you are trying to communicate something to someone, don’t talk over their heads, beyond their interest, or to show off how much you know.  Be brief.  Make your point.  Give an example.  Sum it up.  Shut up.  Welcome to my Spiritual Stuff!

‘Tis The Season

I saw my first Christmas ad on TV last night, November 3.  Of course it is not a “Christmas” ad.  It is “Holiday.”  What we want is less of religion, to be replaced with more of buying and consuming stuff.  But what do we do with all the stuff we already have?  If we buy more stuff that we want or think someone else wants, but does not need or won’t satisfy, where do we put the old stuff?  We have limited amount of space, do we not.  Does it all go into the garbage bin, or the garage, attic, cellar, to be discarded later when we move or die?  I see people living on the streets who have to struggle to push, carry, store all their stuff.  Are we trying to love others through buying and giving stuff?  What if you told your Gen Z child, the “OK Boomer” generation, that there would be lots of love but no presents this holiday season because they have enough stuff?  Ok, that would be a bit draconian.  They might have outgrown clothes or worn out some clothes.  So I am thinking about less rather than none as a first step.  And I will still celebrate “Christmas.”

Fires

In the Catholic tradition, a person who dies but is not yet transformed into their best possible self, goes to “Purgatory.”  This is a place that has fire which burns.  It signifies that the person is suffering, paying dues, for a not so good life before death.  I take issue with this idea and will give one of the reasons.  For me, God is Love, a verb.  God is always loving.  People having their souls fried is not Love in action.  So what is the fire about?  First, it does not burn anyone.  The fire is the very God I believe in.  God is on fire with Love.  The purgatorial person is surrounded, and breathing in Love.  So what is the suffering?  The suffering is that you realize that you spent your whole life missing out on all this love, because you had other priorities, or else no one told you about such a Love in a way that attracted you.  What good is a teaching that says God loves you, but if you don’t shape up or get enough indulgences, you will burn?  So this might make me a bad Catholic for not holding to the party line.  If I am wrong about my theology then I guess I will burn. Ouch!

Sea Ranch

I have been coming to Sea Ranch every Fall since 1988.  I come with my sister Jane.  We have missed two Falls in all that time.  You ask where it is?  I won’t tell you.  One of its charms is that it has so few people.  It is a place with few people and nothing much to do.  No Art museums, movies, events or such.  Sea Ranch is all about doing little in a quiet isolated place.  It has ocean shore cliff trails for walking and jogging.  Ocean views from our rental.  Only a sheep pasture separates us from the ocean.  Nearby, the town has an excellent butcher for fish and meats.  We like to cook.  We are neat and do not leave clothes on the floor or kitchen messy, like priests and children do.  We both like sports and watch events on TV.  There is a community swimming pool nearby for more exercise.  We stay for eight days now.  It is wonderful for our temperament.  People who cannot stand to be with themselves, or need lots of distractions would be miserable.  Just in case, you are not invited.

Getting Better

I used to say, “Tomorrow will be better.”  But I have come to realize that today was yesterday’s tomorrow.   What did I do to make yesterday a better day?  Action, positive action today most often does make my tomorrow better.  I stopped waiting for tomorrow to get better.  I do the action today that seems to improve my present situation.  Inaction today leaves me with vain hope for a better tomorrow.  I try not to “do a step or go to a meeting or pray tomorrow.”  That is my fantasy world.  Do nothing today, but have plans for tomorrow and all will be well.  Life has gotten better since I stopped doing nothing today with hopes that tomorrow will be better.  All I have is today.

All Saints

In some circles today is a celebration of all those saintly, good people we admire, who have died.  They are in “The Good Place.”  Some circles would call this heaven.  Now yesterday was Halloween.  That is the day for the the witches to come out.  When my big Sis, Maureen, was alive, that was her day.  She was a witch.  Then she died way too young for my taste, and her new day became today.  Now I cannot figure out how someone can go from a witch to saint and the Good Place, so bingo.  If there is a Gatekeeper, a God or Power, then it does not think, or see, or judge as I do.  I would think witches have to burn, which would make tomorrow, All Souls Day, my sister’s day.  But the gatekeeper does not think like me because I just know that Maureen is in the Good Place.  Her four kids and her friends tell me so.  It also means that God sees in ways that I do not see.  I know this because I see in a way that is full of complaints, and resentments.  Short on gratitude and long on grumpiness.  So today, I will pray to Saint Maureen to ask the Power Greater Than Myself, to give me new eyes, with less grumpiness and more gratitude.