Peacemaker

 When I am at odds with someone, or feel wronged, I think that often the role and energy for peacemaking and reconciliation lies with me, the wronged party.  This means that I have to let go of a grievance I carry about.  I am not going to "get even" or punish the other person, but maybe I will find peace that my grievance had kicked out of my heart.  I want to be at peace with myself, and this might require some letting go, which is not always just about being silent.  Look for a common ground, a middle ground, a place of moderation where some things might be resolved simply by my action and conduct around that person.  At times, the other person changes not at all, nor admits anything.  But I have let go of resentment, and have moved not only into acceptance but into a heartfelt serenity.  When my happiness requires that others meet my wants or needs, and be more perfect than they are for me, I have set myself up for much inner and maybe outer turmoil.  And sometimes I just walk away, far away.  And if I am missed it might be more for what I provided them, than for myself.  

The "Right" Who?

From time to time someone might say, "I hope I meet the right person."  This is usually in finding a partner for one thing or another, or a mate.  It could be for a job one is interviewing for.  Or one might hope to meet the "right" people at an event they are attending as a newcomer or stranger.  But someone reminded me that maybe I should focus on being the right person someone else might want to meet.  Why don't I try to be the person someone might want to be with?  Be the best, real me that I can be.  This is a spiritual process, becoming the real me, because I need to be able to spend quiet, alone time with me and reflect to myself where and when I am most honest,  or most phoney, or fearful of being who I believe I am.  At some point in this process I will need to accept myself, being the truest me.  If I cannot spend time with me, and accept me, why should anyone else want to spend time with me, much less accept me.  When fear is in control I tend to present a mask, an adjusted me that you will accept.  When Love for who and how God made me, along with accepting my life scars, is in focus, I am my best self and that is my truest self.   

Service Wounds

 Just because you decide to be helpful and of service to others does not mean that you won’t be wounded.  Recently, I cooked my first Mexican type dinner for the monks.  I like to do things from scratch as much as possible.  I did not serve refried beans from a can.  I made them myself, as well as the guacamole.  After the meal, one of the monks said, “Those beans were really good.  Did you make them from a can?’  My first thought, was that this monk is a savage.  The second thought is why do I bother serving these worthless people?  I wanted praise for my pain-staking efforts.  Then I remembered that service is to make me a better person, not to change others, be they savages or not.  Being judgmental undoes the purpose of my cooking.  I am God’s recipe being painstakingly transformed into food for others.  Judgment is not one of the ingredients.  

The Look

 When I quit my job to go into the seminary I was living in San Francisco, a bit of a hippie place at the time.  What is a “hippie?”  If you don’t know, ask an old person.  Anyhow, I decided to grow my hair, grow a beard, wear tank top, tie-dyed shirts to show that I did not belong to the business world.  I was different, unique from the world I had just left.  When I went into the seminary I continued this “look.”  I was not part of the establishment church.  I was the “new breed.”  I have come to realize that what I was saying or doing was acting out that I did not belong, before anyone told me that I did not belong.  It was a fear I did not belong, that I dealt with by denying that I belonged.  I was really uncomfortable in my own skin, as I was later to find out.  Drink dealt with that from time to time.  Nowadays, I try not to make my outsides act as an escape my from my insides.  I deal better with the insides, and spend less time on outside outfitting.  

The Choice

 If you ask me why I made the choice to live in this monastery and practice this way of life and prayer, I would say it is not the right question.  Why?  Well, I did not make the choice.  God made the choice for me to be here and I am following that Energy.  When you sense or feel that you are in the right place or space or activity, I suggest that you do not ponder why you chose it.  I might rather be that you have responded to being chosen for this in the here and now.  Which means that there might be a power around and in your life that is other than you.  Faith need not always be about a believing in someone or something, but rather a response to something that is right for you.  We can make too much of dogma and little of action.  Faith is a response to rather than a belief in.  

Inked

 Getting inked refers now to tattoos.  When I first heard “inked” I thought of the old memo machines that made copies of stuff I used for CCD classes.  I would get ink all over my hands at times from the copy sheets.  But it would come off with washing, a lot.  A tattoo is rather permanent.  But our state of mind, opinions, views on things, can change as we grow in experiences.  The tattoo says who one is at that moment in time.  The moment changes.  You change.  The tattoo remains, like memorabilia, but it attaches to you and cannot be put into a memory box or garage storage.  Tattoos can be the result of a drunken night with the boys.  Whatever.  You get sobriety but the tattoo reminds you of the past.  I avoided a tattoo out of fear. I did not like the needle.  Some fears are good.  When we say forever it has consequences.  

Too Busy

I hear someone say that they don't do some bad habit anymore, but now are too busy to pray or follow some time-consuming spiritual practice.  An alcoholic told me she was in recovery, but did not have much time to drink.  So I asked her how much time she devoted to drinking each day, since she said that she did drink each day?  She thought about it and said maybe three hours of drinking.  Well, I asked her, do you not now have three hours free of drinking?  Yes, she said, but now she is busier because she is more functional.  I suggested that maybe she is more functional because she is no longer drinking.  She thought for a moment and then said maybe she could use some of this time to actually pray and do a bit of spiritual reading.  Bad behavior takes time.  So does good behavior.  I don't believe I could stop the bad without the good to replace it.