The Fruit

 Someone said, “Go out on a limb.  That is where the fruit is.”  Well, maybe being at this monastery, living this quite different life of a spiritual journey, is going out on a limb.  But when one goes out on a limb, one hopes that the branch does not break or that they do not fall.  In fact, we hope that someone or something has our back. I think of God as being the power supply when I go out onto this limb of a life I am leading. Thinking of trying to live a new life, not sure where it is going, but believing it will lead to the fruit you seek, we need trust and hope that we are not alone.  There were times when I did feel quite alone, hugging the truck or keeping my feet firmly on the ground.  I wasn’t going anywhere for sure.  But it was familiar.  Safety and security efforts can be that way.  But the fruit is when I seem more to abandon myself in trust and hope, and then action.  Climb out onto the limb.  

Listening?

 Someone told me the meaning of “Are you listening?” It means, are you going to do the right action.  This is what the questioner is asking.  For instance, a parent might say to a child, “Did you take out the garbage?”  The child says yes, but in fact did not take out the garbage and is not about to take out the garbage.  Yes, the words were heard, but the response revealed that the hearer was not going to take any action.  We can hear but not listen.  I think of this in terms of God speaking to me in my scriptures.  I hear it but I do nothing.  I say I believe but no action.  A person in recovery may hear or read their recovery literature and take no action.  They are not listening.  A group’s members are those who listen and take action.  Are you a member of a family if you never help out, are only a taker and not a giver?  Maybe the reason there is so much alienation, a feeling of not belonging, is that people hear but do not listen and we let them have a pass.  We cannot make members.  It has to come from the heart, a loving and self-sacrificing heart.  I need to hear better.  My heart needs to be more auditory. 

Surrender

 There are two kinds of “surrender” when it comes to change. The first is the one with which I am most personally familiar.  “I am going to surrender my old ways and change my life.”  Here I am the active changer.  The energy for such change is shame and guilt, with maybe some embarrassment, remorse added in.  It has never worked.  It is short term as is my memory.  The second change is powered by love.  I surrender to someone I love.  Then I allow them to change me through our relationship of love. Think long term spousal or partner marriage relationship.  Here in the monastery, and in my daily prayer efforts and living with imperfect people,  I surrender to my understanding of God, and let the change come from the God power.  Of myself, not much power.  

Perspective

I hear people say that Covid curtails their freedom.  They talk about all the things they cannot do now because of restrictions, or safety issues.  Well, I try to keep things in perspective.  I am not incarcerated, in prison, where all my freedoms are curtailed.  And when I hear about people in prison who have found recovery from addictions that may very well have contributed to their being in prison, they sound full of gratitude. They are grateful for an inner freedom.  Where is my gratitude for the life I do have in the outside world?  Gratitude or whining?   

Still There

 A compass points in one direction, North.  It does not tell that North is, but rather where North is.  But what if the compass is broken?  Just because it can no longer point to the North does not mean there is no longer a “North.”  The same with a map.  The map shows where Libya is located.  Here is Libya.  It exists and the map drawing shows it.  But what if the map is incorrectly drawn or is full of mistakes and fails to show “Libya.”  Does that mean Libya no longer exists?  It is the same with religion.  It is supposed to be a bridge, a connector for us pointing to God.  But if religion is broken, full of mistakes, does that mean God does not exist?  I cannot deny that which I seek, simply because the guides have lost functionality.  

Belonging

 My Mom died on this day in 2003.  As her caregiver, I felt very connected.  I was in the right place, fulfilling her needs and being of service with love.  But years before that I was quite a different person.  In the turbulent 60s, I was quite turbulent.  I had left home for work in Chicago.  With or without people I had a sense of loneliness, of not being OK.  I could not have identified those feelings back then.  I was not into feelings.  I was more into forgetting such discomfort.  From time to time, for brief times I could forget.  But someone had my back, and I was able to move from harming myself to helping others.  So I was able to be a caregiver to my parents.  That someone who had my back would periodically show up in my consciousness, inside me, or maybe around me, and I would know in those moments that things did not have to be the way they were in Chicago at that time.  That someone is a Presence.  Today, I try to keep in conscious contact with this Presence.  And such contact makes me feel OK about being me.  Beats oblivion!

Those Moments

 Sometimes I have moments of insanity.  I would think that if I did something for you, or did not do something, avoid some perceived bad behavior, you would like me.  Then I would do this “behavior” this action to gain love, or acceptance, but I would do it with resentment.  The reason that I was not getting love or acceptance was that you had so many faults. You were selfish, or whatever, so why do this good behavior on my part?  Beneath it all, I am feeling NOT OK in those moments and trying to feel OK with some behavior.  The job of making me feel OK was someone else’s and my good behavior, kindness, sacrifice, was to awaken you to do your job.  Ouch!  This blog is way honest.  And you thought I was a guru?  But for some reason honesty makes me feel better.