The Search

I was the best of altar boys when I lived in the Bronx.  We took it seriously.  There was a heightened awareness of God when I was around the sanctuary, the altar.  I was in a comfort zone.  I think that I always had this vocation to intimacy with God, and priest is part of the journey.  But then we moved to the suburbs.  Altar serving was more casual, and sloppy.  I lost interest.  I was gone from serving by high school.  Even church was dull, but I was Catholic and so I went.  I think I was better off in the Bronx, but who knows.  It is all past.  In the suburbs I fell into the culture of whatever anyone else seemed to think was important.  Girls were important.  And so it goes.  But I never lost that thread of interest in the God intimacy.  It came at some of the oddest moments, after partying all night, or being with a young woman date.  I would not relive the date or the events of the party.  I would ask myself what is the meaning of my life.  I would feel this presence in the silence and stillness.  I was a bad boy who wanted God.  When I went on the priesthood path, it was for selfless and selfish reasons.  I tend to be mediocre good.  The selfless part was to tell people about God's love for them even when they mess up.  It was my story.  The selfish part was to have the intimacy with God and to save myself from myself.  I think that drink and sex is a lot about seeking intimacy with this interior presence, but just doing it all on the wrong path.  My hope is that those who hook up for a night and/or do lots of drugs and alcohol will find the path that fulfills them.  I try for compassion instead of judgment.  That is what I received from others who pointed the way for me.  People who like me think I am better than I am.  Or am I better than I think I am?  Don't stop reading my blog.  I will try and get holy.