Home

 If I am only in this monastery until Covid passes, then I am not really here at all.  This place has no chance to become home until I can be present where I am.  If I were to say, “I gotta get outa here,” is it the place or is it me?  A lot of times we blame a place where we live at the moment for being problematic, when in fact, it is ourselves who are the problem.  We simply cannot own the present and “be here now” in a way that opens us up to hidden gifts right where we live.  I used to travel a lot in my work and live in several places.  But then I did not really live anywhere.  I was simply a “visitor.”  I am trying not to let visitoritis win out.  I try to stay open to the present moment, this day, this weather.  There are surprises, and good ones when I do this.  

The Elements

 In this monastery I live close to the elements of nature.  I simply walk out any of our doors and the mountains, fields are right here.  I don’t have to go to a park or more rural area to be in the midst of nature.  I suspect this is one reason so many people plant gardens, and trees around their home when they move in.  It is one of things that helped me to get a sense of being “home” when we moved into our first house and out of the apartment in the Bronx.  The house was a strange place at first and for some time, but it had 5 birch trees in our front yard and a garden in the backyard.  There were rose bushes in the backyard.  We had a lawn in the days when water was plentiful.  I like the monastery for we have our own rose bushes planted by some monk from a long past.  Nature helps a praying life.  It calms and centers one.  

What Stays

 As someone said, “When you die, what you have goes to someone else.  Who you are you will be forever.”  So I hope that whatever I am will be in service to others.  In these Covid times we tend to isolate or keep a distance.  This can make being of some service to others a bit more challenging.  In this monastery, I try to be of some service in cooking and in listening to others, giving them my attention and time.  I have zoom to reach out and teach as well as listen to others.  But I hope that after Covid there will be more I can do in being of service. I used to worry if anyone would remember me after I die.  Heck!  I am already being forgotten living up here in this monastery!  But I don’t worry so much about it anymore.  Well, a little.   

A Description

 We are often encouraged to focus on our shortcomings and work on them.  “Avoid false pride!”  “Stop judging others and look at your own mess!”  All this can get pretty depressing.  I mean those faults don’t seem to go away, do they?  So why not look each day at what is right and good and talented about yourself.  Religion tells us the be humble. Focus on our sins.  Well take some time each day for that, but also spend some time building self-esteem.  Don’t wait for others to praise you.  God made you and said, “It is good.”  

On The Move

 Why do we think that God is in one steady place called heaven?  If God created the universe, everything is moving.  Our planet spins around at about a 1,000 miles an hour. And it is moving around the sun at about 66,500 miles an hour.  The universe is in motion.  It is energy, dynamic.  You are never sitting in one place even if that is your “experience.”  Cells are moving.  So while you are meditating, you are on the move. If you don’t like change you might want to find another universe.  Gotta go!  Trying to keep up with my God-flow.  

Peeling

God has surprises, joyful surprises as Miriam Pollard would say, but the joy is sometimes surrounded by a husk.  You need to learn how to cultivate the ability to peel.  For me this is the spiritual way.  When life does not seem to fit right for me, it may be because I cannot see the joy that is right there, but hidden, so to speak.  If I stop and meditate, or stop fretting and become a bit more aware, slow down, take a breath, I might peel the husk and there is the surprise to lift me up.  Each morning, my meditation/spiritual reading, I am trying to practice the ability to peel, so that as the day goes on, I can become aware of sweet surprises.  This keeps me in the here and now. 

The Visual

 Evelyn Underhill said that Beauty is the visual side of goodness.  So practice goodness.  We can spend so much time and money on outward appearances, but still be all about ourselves and our wants.  But outward appearances will fade over time.  And trying to hold it back from fading can cost a lot of money and time.  Think of the beauty of someone who is loving, of service to others, and you will see something beautiful in them.  An old nun who has spent a lifetime in kindness to others in need, still has a beautiful face and smile.  My outward appearance has long faded from any attraction, but I can still practice goodness.  

Community

 Someone said there is a real need for community, because it is easier to ignore someone you don’t know.  It is easier to be prejudiced, dismissive, afraid of people you don’t know.  People of different skin color or language, or economic status tend to “keep to their own kind” as the song in “West Side Story” proposes.  Community is built on perceived differences coming together, getting to know and serve one another.  If we know someone only for what they can do for us, from what we can get from them, that will not be community.  They are simply useful to our wants.  Community means getting to know someone simply because they are “someone” and not “no one.”  It is hard work but makes for a more fulfilling life.  The rich are not so happy as you imagine.  

Giving Or Getting

 I am not sure our form of government, a democracy, will do well if we are more concerned about getting than giving.  There is so much focus for us on getting our rights, getting money, prestige, recognition, power, possessions.  People seem to be getting angrier when they think they are not getting enough of something.  But our society will survive if we focus more on being of service, of giving for the sake of others.  Why do we make such a big deal about athletes and entertainers?  Someone called these two categories, “the toy store of life.”  I ask myself each day, “Am I more concerned about getting things, or giving in service to others?” This question keeps me focused.  And it really is more fulfilling.  

The Now Moment

Each day, or week, or recurring event, I must remind myself that this is the only time I am doing this event, such as a teaching.  Why?  Won't I repeat it again?  Not really.  Because each day, I am not the same person as I was yesterday.  And the event is not repeatable.  Time moves on.  Example: a dancer does not repeat a dance.  The dancer is different and the circumstances of the dance are different each time.  So this dance, today, is one of a kind, so do the best you can.  I keep that in mind when I am teaching.  Do the best that I can with what is today.  It keeps me on my toes.  It reminds me how special is what I am doing.  Unrepeatable.  

Fear

 There are two kinds of fear, one that is good and one that is bad.  For instance, in addiction, a bad fear is that you are afraid that you cannot live your life today “without” a drink or whatever is the addiction.  The good fear is part of the miracle of sobriety.  It is the fear that you cannot live today “with” a drink.  If you have the good fear, celebrate with gratitude and then try and be helpful to others.  

Should And Could

 If you are an addict in recovery don’t beat yourself up because you did not get into sobriety when you “should” have.  That just brings about a lot of shame and guilt.  You have plenty enough of that to work on, so don’t add more.  Rather, celebrate the reality of being an imperfect human being, the only kind of human being there is.  You got sober when you “could.”  It is all gift.  So work on gratitude just for today.  

Unsolicited

I tend to have unsolicited thoughts.  They just come up, along with the emotions that go with them.  I don’t ask for such thoughts.  I am going about in peace and emotional sobriety and suddenly I am off on a jag.  My slumbering character defects wake up and are full of energy.  This is why I need a good morning practice of silence and meditation.  For even in mediation, the unsolicited thought comes up, but I seem to notice it soon enough and practice letting it go.  This sets me up, frequently, for noticing, sooner rather than later, that I am walking about or doing something, but full of negativity.  People are a mess.  The world is a mess.  My living situation, or the kitchen is a mess and it is all because of something or someone, not me.  When I catch myself in this mode, humility comes to me.  I am the only problem that I can handle.  So I use my tools for peace and acceptance to get back on track and dismiss the unsolicited thoughts.   

Judgment

 Do you meditate to feel good?  That often passes, and then you don’t feel good.  You feel disappointed.  And does anyone change in any deep way because they felt good in a meditation?  That will pass quickly because the world shows up soon enough in all its imperfection.  No, I would rather meditate to come to know myself in all my own imperfections.  What good is that?  For one, I will be less likely to judge others and therefore less likely to bear burdens of resentment. Now that is change.  Second, I might get to love myself with my imperfections.  That would be change.  It would be acceptance, and that might reach out to this imperfect world of reality.  It is life on life’s terms.  I might even become a more loving person.  And I will stop asking other people to take the job of making me happy with myself.  That happiness would be my job.  

Valentine’s Day

 Why not give yourself a Valentine act of love?  Say what?  Well, many people want to avoid their inner noise, so they want lots of outside noise, such as one gets with ear buds, cell phones, background music, noisy places.  Such a person might not like being alone with themselves, silence all around them.  They might have to confront fears, gloominess, anxiety, dullness, boredom and a bit of depression.  But the gift to themselves is to just be with the self, alone, in silence, so that you can learn to be at home just with yourself.  Maybe notice your breath.  You are breathing.  You are a gift to yourself.  For today, don’t try to escape you.

Shallow Holes

 I remember when I dug a lot of shallow holes thinking I was going to get to some deep spiritual source that way.  I took religious study courses in college where I worked.  I met with teachers in various traditions and learned a little practice and reading from each of them.  I had a lot of comparative information, but no one depth.  I went back to my original tradition and began to plumb the depth with fortitude, patience and practice, with reading from outliers in my own tradition.  What I had learned from other traditions aided me, enlightened me from a different perspective about my path.  So I had a lot of shallow holes and one deep hole to find my life-giving waters.  My path is not the only one, but it is the one for me.  

The Well

 When you are new or young and people are trying to teach you about a religion I was given the metaphor of the well.  At first the teacher draws water from the well and give it to you.  They tell you about catechism, doctrine, structure, things you can see, rituals and such.  In my church kids get this in elementary school.  But when you get older, you have to begin to draw your own water from the well, if you are still interested in that water.  Drawing your own water is when you explore the given path, but in more depth.  This depth will include less wordy prayers, or public rituals.  It will reveal your own shortcomings that don’t simply go away with saying you are sorry.  In my path I have found God drawing the deep water with me, and then God doing all the heavy lifting.  Beginners think my religion is all about merit.  Do this and get that, like an insurance policy.  For me, the path is more about grace.  

Burn

 I am a bad priest.  I rebel at some teaching of my Church.  I am supposed to parrot them, but instead I rebel.  I question.  I ponder.  It is insurrection at times.  But someone said, probably another bad priest, that insurrection precedes resurrection.  Say what?  Well, experience the questions. Live the questions.  Rilke said that.  Maybe if I burn I will meet Rilke, the poet?  But maybe, from deep inside, where things cannot be hurried, a new clarity will develop.  I like that.  Rilke says it requires humility and patience.  I am in need of both, but they are necessary so I don’t just wallow in rebellion.  But when I come upon this new clarity, my sense of resurrection to new life, and tell a non-questioning, fully accepting of Catechism person in my church, they say to me, “Father, I will pray for you.”  Any insurrection people out there?  I could use a congregation.  

Koan

I remember that when I turned 27, I asked myself, “Why don’t I simply fit into the world around me?”  Oh, a Koan!  Koan means an “an impossible question.”  So I went away from my nice job and apartment in San Francisco and drove up the coast by myself into Oregon.  I was alone for three days.  I enjoyed it.  My problem?  I was trying to fit into the outsides around me and not my insides within me.  In solitude and silence I fit into my insides quite well.  I had touched on Zen for a few days.  But being a deeply flawed, insecure and fear-based person, I “forgot” or laid aside this wisdom when I returned to my nice job and apartment that looked out to the Golden Gate Bridge.  Like the bridge, I went back into my fog of trying to fit into the outsides while ignoring the insides.  Pretty much lost everything.  But some Power did not let me go.   Wrestling with koans!

The Moment

 Alcoholics are quite spiritual people but when drinking they don’t catch it.  Scene: you are in a bar, a party, social event with lots of noise, people talking loudly, people dancing, roaring music.  Suddenly, in a brief moment, you feel separate from it all, as if a silence has overtaken your innards.  You cannot connect with what is going on.  You interpret it as loneliness, discomfort of not fitting in, and so you take a drink, another drink, to help you enter into the chaos going on in the room.  But that moment of disconnect is the Power, alive in the silence you so briefly felt, a Power that for an instant calls you into an interior desert, a stillness presence, that is not loneliness.  It is solitude, where you discover your sacredness.  But for the practicing addict, it is not a sobering moment of truth, but something to be escaped, on the road to oblivion.  

Help

 If you have trouble with prayer, don’t believe in much of anything, but have troubles in your life that you cannot seem to control or be rid of, why not just say, “Help.”  That’s it.  That is the prayer.  Requires no faith in a god of religion.  Repeat the one word, “Help” as you go through the day.  Someone said they did this, and then one day added, “Me,” and then another day added, “Please.”  They did not force these added words.  They just came as a notion.  See what might change in your life.  Prayer does not need faith.  It does need for us to get out of ourselves as the center of our thoughts.  If not focused on yourself you might notice a suffering world around you, as in “other” people and situations.  You might discover a bit of compassion, a notion to be helpful.  It is awfully difficult to be overwhelmed by our own troubles when we are helpful to persons outside of previously self-focused self.  

True

 Someone suggested that if you have trouble with faith or belief in some god, why not just pray to what is true.  If the atheist is correct, than so be it.  You are not really sure since you are praying to “Truth.” If the believer in whatever is correct than so be it, but you don’t even need to join up with any religion.  You just pray to Truth. You don’t need to know what is or is not.  Why for do this?  Well, for one thing, it gets you out of yourself.  If you are not thinking about you and your problems, you have a chance for a connection with the world around you.  If your response to this outside world suggests you be of service, be helpful, kind, accepting, considerate, then that is a change, no?  You changed.  Where did that come from?  Not to worry.  Enjoy the ride.  

In The Moment

 Manny people are able to “enjoy” a drink of alcohol.  They savor the moment, the taste, the feeling, such as when drinking wine at a meal.  Alcohol can help them also to relax, which can keep them in the moment.  An alcoholic does not so much enjoy the drink in the moment.  After a few sips, they are thinking mostly about the next drink.  An alcoholic drinks with “future-mind.”  Until they run out of future, and present and are dead.  

Escape

 Some people use things like alcohol, drugs, food and other stuff to escape a feeling or a situation.  “I don’t like this feeling or this situation, so I will escape it by altering my insides while not physically going anywhere.”  For me, I would rather recognize what I am feeling, look closely at a situation I am in, and learn from the discomfort.  Often the discomfort is about some shortcoming in me and not the outsides at all.   I can grow if I can stay in touch with my insides.  For instance, I make a judgment about a person that has little to do with the person and a lot to do with something in me that needs attention.  In the past, escape for me meant living in adolescence, not growth.  

The Candle

 When a candle is lit most people look at the light and not so much the candle.  The light shines out to distill the darkness.  The spiritual life is learning to look and listen in a new way.  I tend to look more at the candle, to pay attention to the dark, to what does not seem to move.  the candle is the source of energy for the light.  No candle?  No light.  The light flickers and attracts in the dark.  The candle is still, and hardly noticed.  Like God.  A lot of spiritual writing says to be still and listen.  

The Net

 We use nets to capture butterflies because we cannot capture them in our hand.  They are too elusive, and are made not to be captured.  The soul is like the butterfly.  It is not meant to be captured by anyone else.  So we use nets.  These are our judgments and labels we give people to capture them, hold them, at least to our way of thinking.  This is not love.  If you loved the butterfly you would let it fly.  Not pin it to something.  Religions try to capture the soul, like a net.  But we don’t have to stay in the net unless we prefer to be captured rather than to be free.  A lot of people want the safety of net and not the freedom of discovery.  In meditation I try to free my soul from my mind, my judgments and labels of myself or the labels of others that I too readily accepted in order to fit in.  Fitting in can be a form of being pinned down.  Fly.  

Longing

 When I was young, with good health, and a sense of future, I often longed for things that were just beyond my reach at the moment.  Whatever I had was simply not enough.  Boredom could become front and center.  Escape from the moment, or plan a big event to look forward to.  But now that I am older, I am happy to be able to take a walk without pain in one place or another of my body.  When younger, a walk?  So boring.  When younger I did not so much enjoy what I had but what I had not, even if I could not name this absence or lack.  Now, I try to enjoy what I have because it could be taken from me in an instant.  When young I had too much time to fill up.  Now, I enjoy the gift of time that I have.  Longing often comes from an absence of imagination and gratitude.

The Door

 I used to look for happiness outside of myself.  If that person or that situation or work would change to my preference/wants/desires, then I would be happy.  I would look for happiness in another person, like falling in love.  Or look for the right job or the right place to live.  If only my team would win then I would be happy.  All outside stuff and quite beyond my control.  But as Kierkegaard said, “The door to happiness opens to the inside.”  Maybe that is why I am at peace here in this monastery with no TV, radio, newspaper, cell phone service, and narrow internet band.  All outside stuff.  I awake each morning, in the middle of your night, to open the door to the inside of myself.