Unbelief

 "Don't believe everything you think," is a famous quote.  How true.  You think something is a problem when in fact it is a solution waiting to happen.  But you don't think about a solution because you are full of self-pity from frustration and melodrama.  Self-pity stories have inherent flaws, as someone said.  Insanity is to live in the unreal world where there are no solutions in your life.  The attraction of no solution is that you get to wallow in your own misery.  OK, for a few minutes to wallow in a feeling.  But then get on with action because self-pity is not a feeling.  It is a character defect.  You don't cut yourself off from feelings.  You recognize them but don't drink them away.  Feel and move on with a solution which is action.  

Imperfection

Imperfection is not in vogue among young people, though it is their reality.  Adult authority figures are afraid that young people might do some self-destructive thing because of the prevalence of suicide, drug overdose and such.  So the adults build up the youth and tell them how wonderful they are, what potential they have and how successful they will be in this world with their talents.  But the youth is faced, from time to time, or quite often, with their own humanness.  We are imperfect, mess up, have all kinds of thoughts that don't jive with what we are told.  We just cannot measure up to delusional thinking on the part of adults, teachers, clergy, parents, youth club leaders.  Drugs and alcohol are attempted escapes.  Internet tends to isolate when it is a solution to inner pain.  Religion that says, "God thinks you are perfect," is  not so.  God knows we are all imperfect, just as we do when we get real.  But God loves us anyway.  One does not need to perform up to someone else's standards to be loved by God.   

Empty Self

 I will never enjoy the grace and mercy of God if I do not first accept my nothingness.  This acceptance is the doorway to surrender.  I get off track when I think that by doing this or that on my own power I will be freer, better.  But that is not surrender.  You probably don't like this idea because enough people and situations already make you feel like nothing.  You want to feel like something to counter this.  But for a relationship of any truth with God, you have to let go of this need for some self-importance.  Quite humbling, no doubt.  I find futility in trying to build myself up.  Just love myself in my nothingness.  I tend to judge and gossip about others as a way to build myself up.  Rather face all the ways that I rebel against my best intentions to do good.  Love the mess and surrender to God.  Enjoy the grace, the mercy, the unconditional love.  An alcoholic is always an alcoholic.  They will always have faults and mess up.  Bu they surrender to a process of recovery and enjoy a love they could not otherwise find.  Grace says that we don't have to be perfect to be loved.    Perfection is illusory.  

Good Bye 70s

 Today as I wake up I am 80 years old for the first time.  I don’t so much feel old, as thankful for all the people who I might have helped over the years.  Many of them are anonymous to me.  They read a blog, hear a talk in person or in cyberspace, are helped and move on.  But I sense that I made a small difference that lifted them up a little.  I thank God each day that I am still a priest, given all my shortcomings. I will not retire.  This day, being 80, is a gift.  It has a purpose in the realm of love, acceptance, compassion, and laughter.  Sometimes I just laugh at me.  For now, I have the great opportunity to live in a monastery with all the unique opportunities this lifestyle offers.  But I trust that there is more after my time here.  Trust and surrender to God is my hope.  God still has plans for me, and for you.  Stay the course.  

Techniques

Beware of techniques in meditation.  We have the tendency, as beginners, to believe that a technique will get me when I want to go.  You don't know where to go in the interior journey, much less how to get wherever.  Well, I don't.  You read about or hear about darkness and emptiness, or the void and you think, "Oh, that sounds really good."  The technique  seems to tell you how to get there.  It gets you caught up, if you are not careful, in your own doing which will ultimately be your own undoing.  Yes, you may get to a darkness, or emptiness with your technique, but you won't be alone with Ultimate Reality.  You will be alone with yourself.  This is your own triviality.  Sitting still becomes cultish.  True meditation is grace, gift.  You wait.  God will do the emptying, plunging us into solitude, darkness and silence.  Technique can be a way to initially settle down, or settle down if something disturbed you from the environment.  It is a way to let go of peripheral thoughts about dinner menu or job or the weather.  And even then, you need grace, a gift.  Gift comes from the "Other" who is within you the whole time.  Your technique will not find this shy Presence.  Let yourself be found.  

Desire

In meditation, let go of your desire to experience the Presence of your God.  Why?  Isn't that the reason you tried to enter into meditation?  Who wants to take a walk in nature and not look for the floral to make you feel better and full?  Well, if you desire something when you begin your effort, it will be your imagination at work.  And your imagination may quite easily feed your desire.  I try to enter into this meditative relationship, and it is a relationship, letting go of the desire for anything.  This way, should the Presence reveal its shy self, it will be real, not my conjuring up.  It will be the really Real and not a figment of my efforts.  The heart opens to the movement of grace, gift that comes in the darkness.  As the paradox goes, 

"You begin to hear God when you cease to listen."    

Shopping

 You see something you want to buy.  You don't absolutely need it, like food.  But you want to possess it.  It fills up a space in your life.  Some people fill up the space simply by shopping and buying such things.  What if you let go of that desire to purchase or have something?  You might feel uneasy.  A space in you is now unfulfilled.  This inner void has a positive dimension to it.  It can open you to an experience of God as you understand God or don't understand God.  This space of "nothing" can open you to a need for God.  Try meditating when the restless urge to shop strikes at you.  At first, this will seem impossible, yes.  But if you can be patient and stay with the effort to be still and silent, at least on the outside, you may realize after a while that shopping was only a space filler within you.  And you will be the richer for it!

Inadequacy

 Let us get away from the idea of "sin" being about bad actions or thoughts.  People generally confess to me the bad things they did.  And so if we don't do bad things, then we don't sin.  Move beyond all that and consider sin as inadequacy or failed effort to do good.  When Jesus came to call sinners this would include me in my inadequacy.  Such as what?  Meditation at any depth would be a lot of failed efforts on my part.  I try, but often end up dry or frustrated.  This is a good thing!  Why?  Because then God comes to the rescue when we have enough humility in our failed efforts to ask and wait upon God for help.  The Western mind too often says about prayer, "If I do this, I get that."  Prayer is a relationship. It is not about buying some product at a store or making some material object.  We are so tempted to give up when we cannot seem to let go of mundane thoughts or let go of restlessness, or brain noise.  Inadequacy can bring us to the point of powerlessness, or as some mystics say, "Our Nothingness."  If you are trying to get to "emptiness" by your own efforts, you will end up with your empty false self, thinking you have arrived.  But your life won't change for the better on your ego induced efforts.  Admit defeat and ask for a little help from the Power you seek.  

Listen

 The heart is always in prayer.  It is where God seems to dwell in the silence when I am so busy with other stuff.  How do I become aware of this ongoing prayer?  I have to learn to listen with the "ear of the heart."  This is why I tend to read a small part of the bible, my spiritual big book, very slowly, maybe a sentence of two.  And when I feel the nudge, I stop the slow reading and rest in the quiet, the growing stillness and silence.  The same sensation may come with some spiritual reading, not the bible.  I am not reading fast to finish the book or article.  I start out reading to know something, but then the knowing switches from my head to my heart when I feel the urge to stop and rest with a word or sentence.  Then I may close my eyes and rest in the moment, sensing a Presence, a Love, that is always within and now makes itself known.  The inner silence speaks to the heart and I am filled up all over.  

Prayer

My prayer aims at a purity of heart.  Which is what?  Reading, meditation, life with others, leads me to a humble surrender to God.  In purity of heart I accept myself as God's will for me at this moment.  It means I let go of deluded images of myself, all deluded ideas of my own capacities.  With so much delusion set aside, I can plumb the depth of my deeper self, who I really am.  A pure heart is better able to do the will of God rather than my own self-will run riot at times.  The ego comes off the throne.  Prayer is not a technique in which I think I have some control to get some result to feel good.  Prayer is a receptivity to the action, grace, of God, as God decides Love me along the Way.  My way was rather lonely, isolated, and combative.  And my heart became broken.  

It Happened

 Vin Scully, the Sport's Announcer, said, "Don't be sad that it is over.  Smile because it happened."  This makes sense and gives me solace in my living at this monastery that is in the process of "Completion."  While it is sad that it won't continue for long as it is, A Trappist Monastery here in the Rocky Mountains of Colorado, I smile because my time here happened at all.  I am approaching living here now for three years and will stay longer until the Completion time arrives.  I am truly blessed to have been here at all, to be taken in by the monks, allowed to live here from the Paulist Fathers, and the health to do so.  I will soon turn 80 and what a wonderful place in which to move into another decade.  So if something you love is coming to an end, smile that it happened to you at all.  

Resting

I would not try to separate meditation from any other kind of prayer.  I think it is part of an overall pattern in which we find God in reading, pondering what we read of some spiritual material, even giving thanks for a sense of God’s goodness, and love.  Then slide more easily into meditation which might lead to contemplation.  Some people concentrate on method or technique.  They can be doing something in which they are not even thinking about Ultimate Reality or God or Power, and then put it aside because it is their time to meditate.  For me, I try reading some scripture, thinking about it, and then giving thanks or asking for guidance/help to grow interiorly.  Then I enter into meditation time.  Meditation is not so much finding God, as it is a time of resting in the God you have found.  Or resting in a sense of being found.  Meditation is not so much a method as it is a relationship.  

Into Isolation

I encourage people to take time for silence and solitude for the sake of meditation.  But not too much.  There needs to be a balance between solitude and community, interaction with people especially in being of service.  I have found that the craving for more silence and solitude can easily lead to isolation.  Sometimes the build up of resentments at people, places and situations makes one want to be left alone.  That is not solitude.  Prayerful solitude leads to an outreach in which we are not dominated by our tendencies toward selfishness, judgment, desire for praise, control or power.  How do you know when you have had too much solitude?  When everything "out there" is a burden.   

Constant Thought

There are two kinds of "constant thought of others."  One is in being of service, compassion, listening, kindness.  Two is constant thought of others who come up short of my expectations and end with resentments.  The constant thought of others that makes me be of some service, helpful, non-judgmental, is good for me in my spiritual path.  The constant resentment of others is not so good and could lead me to having a very miserable day.   

Knees

 Why get on your knees to pray?  For one, it makes yourself small, a reminder of who you are in the Presence of the One.  Kneeling deals with the ego or sense of entitlement.  So it is a sign of humility in the presence of the Power of Creation.  It is a way of admitting that we are weak and in need of help.  For some, it can be a way of saying "I am nothing" in the face of All.  And it brings about a sense of equality with all others who are kneeling, rich, poor, strong, weak, old and young.  I just wish the kneelers in Catholic churches were a bit softer and more leg room.  The Episcopal church often has softer pews and better kneelers.  

Persevere

 It is very difficult to persevere in prayer and meditation when it seems to yield no comfort on the surface of thoughts, feelings, and emotions. This can be the occasional problem with prayer in solitude.  "It is not working" we say because we don't feel something.  One of the reasons we like doing some things, even addictively, is because we "feel" something that makes us feel momentarily good or better.  But such things only touch the surface of ourself.  We all have a much deeper level.  The prayer of solitude, meditation, touches and feeds that depth and in turn we are fed but don't "feel" anything at the moment.  When we did an immediate feel good thing, such as an addictive behavior, we might have an instant feel good, followed by not so good or disaster.  Solitude is just the opposite.  Feel nothing in the moment.  But then your life seems to be getting better.  Must be some Power at work here.  

Paradox

 The problem with addiction is that it knows how to hide.  When it hides it is at its greatest power.  Someone learns that they have an addiction to something.  That something is now out in the open.  You know what it is.  There are ways, programs to deal with the addiction so that you don't practice it anymore...for a while.  You do the program, the steps, the spiritual guidance and you don't feel the power of the addiction.  You say, "It is gone."  You stop your spiritual program, steps, practice, little by little.  Vigilance weakens and the addiction grows in its sneaky fashion.  And then one day, boom.  You are back into your addiction, worse than ever.  I have learned that when I think I am oh so spiritual, got life under control, free of bad habits, I had better get a second opinion from a herd of people who know the way.  

Language Of The Heart

 The language of the heart is not something heard with the mind or even the emotions.  It does not speak initially to reason.  It is very deep and it is unseen.  Only a rather profound solitude can hear it.  This language is really a kind of movement for it is first discovered and then in time it bubbles to the service and we live it out as our truer self.  It does not respond to the latest fashion, or a fear of failure, or to guilt and shame.  It responds to someone when they will sit still in quiet, not paying much attention to the themes of daily life, the past or the future.  This Language of the Heart lives in the moment and waits for us to live in the same moment.  NOW.  

Solitude

 The quality of our time of solitude in meditation is shown in our desire to communicate something of it to others.  I find that I am better connected with those around me when I have taken time for this solitude.  This aloneness is not loneliness.  I make inner connections so that I can make better outer connections.  I am more likely to say yes to being helpful to others if I have had my solitude time.  You see this in Recovery programs where step 11 is meditation and step 12 is service to others.  

Chasity

 Chastity for its own sake makes no sense.  Chastity has to serve some larger, other purpose.  Chastity deals with and faces some very strong human, often unconscious urges.  I cannot spend all my energy trying to bridle these energies.  I must devote energy to some purpose that chastity can serve.  That greater purpose for me is the desire for union, non-duality with God as I awaken to the Presence.  The God I seek has given all.  So I want to give all of me, and this includes my body.  It is called, "Purity of Heart" in some circles.  It is not that urges cease to arise.  We are human.  But this greater purpose, this Love, if you will, sees the urge as an opportunity for surrender, giving over the all of oneself in desire for union.  Without the solitude of prayer, the relationship cannot become real and central.  And I will just be a wannabe.  

Know Yourself

 Our growing up years of self-discovery are usually focused on social ambitions, such as fitting in, dating, moving into more intimate relationships, work, career, living arrangements including geography.  But eventually the search will turn inward as it must if are to know ourself in a deeper and truer sense.  All the previous seeking was influenced by conformity, necessity, security, control for instance.  The inward journey is unique because it becomes the discovery of your unique self.  It is said, "One is never less alone than when one is alone."  This is solitude at its best.  If we are not ready for it, then being alone feels lonely and we go for escape.  I have always had an attraction for solitude, but not staying long enough with it, or knowing quite how to plum it, I did not come to know myself.  Rather I escaped into many other things, people and places.  Being a late-comer is no shame.  Better late than never.  

To Suffer

The root meaning of patience is pati, to suffer.  Ouch.  I don't like to suffer.  What do I do to avoid patience?  I get angry at everything and everyone that bothers my tranquility or my plans for life, my life.  Or I try to escape into fantasy, mindless entertainment, shopping, even workaholism.  Sometimes hobbies can become an escape.  At my best, I try not to be concerned about the externals of a situation, as how do I respond to it.  This is where patience comes in for me.  And yes, it can feel like a suffering, or else it is not patience but rather quiet anger, condemnation of others in my mind.  I have come to see that patience, though a suffering, is the lesser suffering than quiet anger.  I never drank over patience.  

Babies

 Only babies grow quickly.  Growth for us adults in the spiritual life is long and slow.  It has its ups and downs.  It is not linear like a chart going upward all the time by our own efforts.  The spiritual life is changeable .  One day you feel like you are on top of the mountain of growth.  The next day you are talking to yourself, complaining about everything going all wrong, and people being the bane of your existence.  What to do?  Don't give up.  Keep practicing.  It is why people in recovery keep going to meetings.  It is why I keep meditating, being of service, reading uplifting writings.  If I could always keep growing by my own efforts, I would never have humility or need any power but my own.  A dangerous place for me.  

The Downfall

 Many people at one time or another are thoughtless and selfish, and even neurotic.  It is part of human life.  Such people may ignore me, or do things that make more work for me, or not do things that they could do and that need to be done.  My world, as I envision it should be, is not working out.  All this can devalue my ego, which is not such a bad thing, if I have an inflated ego, which happens way too often.  "I have my rights," I say, or "You should show me more respect."  We can run into such self-centered people in shopping, work, transportation, and even our own home.  I get to practice patience.  I have tried to change these other people with my wisdom comments, or criticism but to no avail.  I have learned it is an opportunity for me to practice patience.  Anger destroys patience.  Then no one grows.  I work on me.  

Weakness

 It is normal for the persons of any group to have weaknesses, faults, irritating habits, because this is the human condition.  Some people leave a group because of these irritants.  They want a group where people are "better" according to one's demands.  There is no perfect group.  I have found this out even in a monastery.  My spiritual task is to grow with this imperfect group of which I am a part.  Notice, they don't have to change for me to grow.  In fact, I am meant to pursue and grow in a spiritual dimension with this group just as they are.  So who will change?  Me.  And they are expected to grow having to put up with me.  But I am not in charge of them.  Acceptance.  

A NO

 One way to be sure you get a "no" in answer to a request is to not ask at all.  We can get so negative about a situation that we make not even this effort to better it.  I used to say, "I won't do something," and then do it anyway.  Then one day I asked God to help me.  And the answer was "Yes!"  God did help me to stop doing what I could not stop on my own.  We need help in doing positive things and avoiding negative things, but we never ask for help.  The ego says it can manage alone.  Or we live a delusional life.  So I find it is better to ask, and then see what happens.  Life on life's terms does not mean we have to go it alone.  

We

 The best way for me to stay sane and balanced is to be a “we” person rather than an “I” person.  In the past, it seems that I was at my worst when alone in isolation.  But when I was helpful to others, or with others in some meeting with a topic, or on a team in an event, I was much saner and healthier.  There is also the unhealthy way of being alone with others.  I don’t recommend that either.  “We” as in being connected outside of myself is the better we.  

Growth

Each time that the person in addiction recovery practices the principles of the program, meetings, readings, meditation and service, they are bringing the soil of their heart to be plowed by the steps and the traditions.  Seeds are planted in the soil of the heart and in time with attention to the soil after the ploughing, growth will occur.  Patience is needed.  And acceptance that much of the work of the growth is mysterious and done by some force or power not your own.  I have found this to be so in my own spiritual practice here in the monastery and elsewhere.   Each day I bring the soil of my heart to God and let the Gospel and life I live become the plough that plants the seeds.  It is not so much about having great spiritual experiences but in being faithful to tasks at hand and seeing how resentments, whining and bondage to self give way to love and non-duality.  

Desire

 Ordinary desires have a momentum of their own.  We don't sit around weighing the pros and cons so much, as spend energy figuring out how to satisfy this desire.  Spiritual desires tend to have their own inertia.  It can paralyze us.  We weigh our options.  Maybe this or maybe that.  And simply go off the path, change direction, or just say, it isn't for me.  That is why stability is important.  Too much change in our life sucks the energy from a spiritual desire.  Spiritual desires make commitments that go beyond the present moment.  That can be scary.  It is not like wanting a piece of candy, getting and eating it.  Done.  On to the next thing.  With stability we slow down and get into a rhythm of daily commitments where we become more likely to focus on what we are doing rather than doing one thing to get it done so we can get onto the next thing.  This is why home groups and daily prayer practice work so well.  

Late Arrivals

 I try not to criticize or judge people who come late to things.  For one, I don't walk in their shoes.  For another, I don't want to be judgmental in that it moves me to feeling better than or more than that latecomer.  I am supposed to be on spiritual path that practices humility.  Instead, I try to be glad that they are here.  I hope that the gathering will be good for them, and they will get what they need.  Maybe I will even go over to them afterwards and thank them for coming.  Life is not all about me.  Now that is a good thought for today.

Leaving

 I have seen people leave meetings and worship services before they are over.  Some of these persons may have someplace they have to be.  But then again, maybe they prefer to be someplace else, or are not "getting" anything out of being in attendance.  From time to time this has been my feeling, but I have learned to stick it out because often enough something wonderful, or special or just what I need happens at the end.  It has been described as "staying for the miracle."  I have met some of the most wonderful, unexpected people after a meeting or service I have attended.  It is uncanny.  And all I did was just wait.  It is a good reason to not overload one's calendar of events.  Or as the song says, "Slow down.  You move too fast."