Empty Self

 I will never enjoy the grace and mercy of God if I do not first accept my nothingness.  This acceptance is the doorway to surrender.  I get off track when I think that by doing this or that on my own power I will be freer, better.  But that is not surrender.  You probably don't like this idea because enough people and situations already make you feel like nothing.  You want to feel like something to counter this.  But for a relationship of any truth with God, you have to let go of this need for some self-importance.  Quite humbling, no doubt.  I find futility in trying to build myself up.  Just love myself in my nothingness.  I tend to judge and gossip about others as a way to build myself up.  Rather face all the ways that I rebel against my best intentions to do good.  Love the mess and surrender to God.  Enjoy the grace, the mercy, the unconditional love.  An alcoholic is always an alcoholic.  They will always have faults and mess up.  Bu they surrender to a process of recovery and enjoy a love they could not otherwise find.  Grace says that we don't have to be perfect to be loved.    Perfection is illusory.