Find Love

I think that the solution to a lot, if not all of my problems, is to find love.  I think that is why I meditate.  Deep within me is a force, an energy, a presence that loves me.  I cannot see it, but I can experience it at times and it keeps me on track to live a better day.  Meditation is intimacy in stillness and silence for me.  Now, many people try to find this love through sex, but usually when they are doing this, they have put the physical before the emotional need for intimacy.  The Desert Fathers and Mothers say, "The body saves the soul."  The body energy tries to tell the spirit, the deeper self, that it needs to share its deeper self, feelings, thoughts, identity with a friend.  But the will (somewhat broken) picks up on this message and messes it all up.  The will says, "Oh, the body has a passion, a physical need.  Let's have sex with the friend."   So you do and then you are in a pickle.  You are now afraid to reveal your inmost thoughts and fears because you don't want to be rejected and dumped.  The sex was not so bad, but something is missing.  Tell that to your new bed partner?  I don't think so!  I think that a lot of young people in recovery get caught up in this process.  But since I never hear anyone talking about this, maybe I am all wrong or uniquely weird.  But if you don't know what your deepest feelings, anxieties, hopes, and identity are then you cannot talk about it anyway.  Mediation helps me to get in touch with that too.  It takes buried stuff and brings it to the surface where I can feel it.  That is not always fun.  But growing up is hard work.  And sex is not a short cut to growing up.  As I grow up in honesty and sharing, I find love...and with my clothes on.