Making Choices

I am here at the monastery at a time that I have never been here before, the end of September Fall days.  I always made a choice to go back down valley to begin to work for $$$ in preaching and teaching in front of people, no social distancing.  This Coronavirus season I stayed at the monastery and today was quite a payoff.  This time of year at 8,000 feet in mountain country, the pre-dawn mornings are quite cold, in the 20s, but this gives way to beautiful mid-days of sunshine, blue sky, and hills covered with the color of Fall tree leaves changing from green to yellow, red, and orange.  All these years I had made a choice to leave by mid-September, and this is what I apparently gave up.  Plus, I don't seem to complain about the cold temps inside the monastery (no furnace heat on yet), as I used to.  But my point in all this for you, is to think about what you give up each time you make a choice to do something.  So many times we don't even know what we gave up, from ignorance or inexperience, having made the same old choice over and over.  In this Coronavirus season, you might ask yourself what might happen if you made a different choice.  Instead of doing this, you do "that" and find out what "that" is all about.  

Empty The Lungs

Why do we sing or chant in plainsong in the monastery?  The reason that most people would give, is that we are singing to praise God.  But we could say words and praise God.   We could sit in silence and solitude and praise God for that matter.  Or just do manual labor and offer it up to praise God.  The main reason that we sing is to empty out our lungs of air.  This is why we sing in the manner we do, and at 8,000 feet altitude.  Literally, we are emptying ourselves out to be open to take in the breath of the Holy Spirit as we call our God.  It is hard to be open and receptive to receiving anything if we are all full up.  If your hands and arms are full, you cannot receive a gift.  So we are practicing emptiness which is a big thing in Buddhism, and they do a lot of chanting.  I am getting better at chanting as I learn how to fill up my diaphragm and then send what air is there through my lungs to belt out the words.  I am moving along into this emptiness thing from formerly "dreadful" to now mediocre.  One day at a time.  So you church-goers, why are you sitting there mute in your pews?  

Homily

 HOMILY NOTES

FR. TERRY RYAN, CSP

MATTHEW 21: 28-32

SEPTEMBER 27, 2020

Which son gave the proper response to the father’s request to go work in the vineyard?  The son who said, “Yes, sir,” but who did not go, is the one who gave the proper answer.  What?  Yes, in that culture, you honor the parent, the boss, the one in charge.  Above all, the parent must not be allowed to lose face.  So you simply say yes, or agree, and then you can go about your business.  Notice that the Fourth Commandment did not say, “Obey your mother and father.”  It said, “Honor your mother and father.”  That is the culture into which the commandments were established.  

But do we not all act this way?  We who worship, honor God by showing up at mass, but then whose agenda do we follow the rest of the week?  When I was young I was told to go to mass on Sunday or burn.  Nothing was said about being a racist, or a hoarder of stuff.  Jesus did not talk much about going to church/synagogue, but he did talk about loving your enemy and neighbor.  We go to worship and then go and do our thing.  I find this attitude in meetings of monks, priests, executives, workers of whatever sort, spouses, children/parent.  They all agree at face value, but then go off and do whatever they want giving good reasons why they do whatever it is they do.  We say yes to parents, spouses, teachers, partners, bosses, abbots, bishops, and thus honor them, with our yes, but go off and disobey by ignoring what they proposed and we agreed to do.  I hear people say they will do the recovery work proposed for their addiction and then go off and do as they please.  

Jesus did not ask about honor.  He asked about obedience.  Honor is easy.  Obedience requires the cross because it is generally what we do not want to do.  The son who said no was being honest.  This is the beginning of recovering the life you are meant to live in God’s creation.  Why?  Because later he could come up against his reasons for the no.  It is all grace at work.  He realizes that his good reason for saying no were just so much self-will run riot, selfishness, fear of not getting his agenda accomplished.  It is all about ego, and nothing about transformation.  But when he wrestles with this he realizes he is getting nowhere at a heart level.  He cannot change by his own power, but now he realizes that he needs God to help divest of all these interests that get in the way of genuine transformation.  He becomes obedient, not because it makes him feel better immediately.  We don’t flip that fast.  He obeys because that is the way to the death of the old self and the rising of the new self, the true self.  It is Calvary and Easter, and takes a lifetime of effort.  Let us begin.

Cleaning

I don't believe that you can call something your home if you don't clean it.  If you are a child and you clean nothing in the house, then you live in your parent(s) home.  Do you clean your hotel room? No, it is not your home.  It is temporary in the journey of life.  Cleaning brings me into the present moment.  And it deals with my ego or vaunted self-importance, how I am so needed in the world that I have no time for cleaning.  I do cleaning at the monastery.  It gives me a sense of home.  So this blog is short so that you can clean the desk or table upon which sits the device that you are reading.  It is on your lap?  Any crumbs there?  

Frustration/Acceptance

I was driving up to the monastery from The Front Range.  It is trip that takes me about three and a half hours when there is not much traffic, early morning.  This particular day, I decided to drive up in the middle of the day and see the Aspen leaf colors in bright sunlight.   I shall never drive up in the middle of the day again.  There was a traffic slowdown due to "road repair."  What took about 10 minutes, took an hour and a half, and it was hot.  I could not use my aire conditioner at that stop and oh so slow go.  Finally, I arrived at the one lane point of "road repair."  Six hard hats, in their blazing yellow outfits, not a spec of dirt on them, were in a circle talking with one another.  I saw no other workers doing anything, nor any repair trucks moving. Acceptance was not the first thing that came to me.  I was not in any fit spiritual condition.  I tried to tell myself that I had ample opportunity to see the Fall tree colors, as we went two miles an hour along the interstate, and that I had reinforced my decision to never drive that highway in the middle of the day.  Early, very early morning is the only way to go.  I never could figure out what it was that needed repair.  But my spiritual condition always needs work.  If I stand around talking to myself, not much gets done.  

A Waste

I live in a monastery.  We pray together and mediate in silence and some solitude.  People might say that this is a waste.  I have the talent to be "out there" doing good, preaching, teaching, making the world a better place.  They are right.  What I do is so impractical, as impractical as Calvary, says Dorothy Day.  The Jesus that I am supposed to follow was in his prime with all those talents that he had.  Calvary was a waste said many who knew him or knew of him.  But he did say, "Follow me," and sometimes that is to do and live the impractical, as the productive world would say.  So the next time you are meditating, taking a slow walk in a wood, sitting on a porch, and someone says it is impractical or a waste of valuable time, you can agree with them.  But time is more wasted by trying to be someone you are not, than in becoming all you are meant to be.  So waste a little time being you.  How will you know it is for the best?  You will know.  

The Other Way

There is a bible story, that illustrates a universal principle of spiritual growth, which is let go of your way, and try another way, especially if your way is not working.  The story: guys were fishing all night and caught nothing.  They are back on shore and a wisdom figure says to go into the deep and cast their nets again, even though fish are not biting at that time.  One of the lead fishermen says they have caught nothing but will cast their nets anyway according to the wisdom figure, who is Jesus of Nazareth, in this case.  The nets catch a lot of fish.  The point?  If your way is not working why not let it go and surrender to another way.  The key is to find a wisdom figure and be willing to let go of your will.   

Retirement

One cannot simply "retire" and expect something to automatically take the place of whatever you were doing.  One has to work at retirement.  Retirement is a transition rather than a going from one thing to no thing.  A simple example is recovery from addictive behavior.  One does not stop drinking and expect something to take its place without some effort.  No effort, no daily work at a non-addictive life and one goes back to addiction.  One "works" recovery with steps and fellowship and service.  If one retires from a career, a work, there is no such thing as a healthy nothing.  Each day is a gift of life for a purpose.  Retirement allows us to move from one purpose to another.  One can start retirement with a specific plan and the plan can morph over time to a new lifestyle, a you still growing as a person.  I don't think that I have retired, though some people think I have.  Be that as it may, I try to stay open.  Work is a way of loving ourselves and others.  The work can change but love grounds us.  One would hope.   

Cleaning Up

 I used to whine, murmur, and mumble to myself whenever my turn came up to clean up the kitchen and wash down the floor.  It is a big monastery kitchen.  But then one day I thought of Jesus.  He was a carpenter in a small town.  He must have had to clean up his carpenter shop/floor with all those shavings and mess one makes when making something.  So I began to think of myself as imitating Jesus when I mopped the floor.  Now what if Jesus did not clean up after himself?  Well, I doubt my Mother would have stayed a Catholic or if she did, she would have dressed God down for being messy.  Or maybe Jesus wasn't God if Jesus was messy.  My Mom was big time housekeeper and she believed that males could and should do housework.  Now if you are thinking about marrying someone or partnering up, or are already bound together, you might ask yourself if housework is an important issue between you.  I have yet to read a survey that says housekeeping differences split, divided up or caused strife in a couple. But don't wait for a survey.  Now my Dad did not care for housekeeping, nor did my sisters, (I was the good child), but Mom was formable, so everyone did it, murmuring perhaps.  But if they read this blog they will know that they were following Jesus all that time. Or else Jesus could not be God.  God can't be messy.  So how is your domicile?

Proselyte

I think of the people who read my blog as "proselytes."  The root of this word is "one who has approached."  That is, I write the blog, but I don't try to get anyone to read it.  I don't go out to recruit blog readers or tell people that they will go to hell if they don't read my blog.  That is, the blog itself attracts.  It does not promote.  You approach and read.  AA operates on the same basis.  A lot of religious denominations or organizations would do well, I think, if they would operate on the same basis.  Many people leave such organizations because they do not see in the members anything that is very attractive or compelling.  Guilt and shame won't attract.  Anyhow, here is another blog.  And I hope these blogs help you to become a more attractive person t those who seek goodness in this world.  

Martyrdom

We think of martyrdom as giving up your life for something you believe in.  But sometimes we can be called "martyrs" in a put-down way because of how we are whining about things not being fair, or not getting our way, or punishing oneself for the meanness of others.  "He/She is such a martyr" when in fact our behavior is quite infantile.  Now there is a way in the spiritual life that we are martyrs.  One important way if when we give up something that we have, to be faithful to a spiritual growth goal.  We might give up time, TV, internet, an in-thing event, sleep, because we want to devote ourselves to a practice of mediation, reading, or being of service to someone else who might need some help.  If we are balanced about our practice we will not be whining or complaining.  When I complain or moan about getting up at 4:00 AM for Vigils prayer at the monastery, I know that something needs attention.  Maybe I need to go to bed earlier at night, or maybe  need to rest a bit more doing the day and not stay so busy.  Time management needs attention if one is to be faithful to prayer times here at the monastery.  How about in your life?  

Silence

 Silence is not a virtue if love demands that we speak.  Sometimes I think that I will say nothing to someone about a situation as an act of acceptance, when in fact it is just a form of cowardice or accommodation to bad behavior.  What if a parent said nothing to their child, thinking, “Let it go and just get along.”  So you want to just get along with what is developing into a monster?  Or you see someone who drinks too much and you say nothing, as in “not my problem.”  It is not my job to change someone, but it might be my job to speak up in some way that might make someone question themselves.  Yes, people get defensive if we tell them they are wrong, and maybe we are in fact making judgment, or we might be wrong.  So what I do is ask a question such as, “I notice that...I am a curious why you do that or do that in that manner?”  Or, “Do you ever think of the effect you might have on others when you behave in that manner?“  Or, “I feel...when you do that.”  What I am trying to do is engage someone and this might take some courage.  Maybe I will learn something by keeping a connection with a person.  I learn nothing by silence or acceptance in the area of their puzzling behavior.  Or just kick butt.  

Chanting/Singing

 Why do we chant psalms or sing in church?  Think about the difference in talking versus singing.  You use a lot more breath and energy to sing or chant.  It takes more effort for me especially who is not a good singer/chanter.  But what it does is makes me give up more breath, expend my lungs, make more effort.  All this is a form of surrender, of letting go.  The emptying of the lungs is a form of self-emptying.  You hear Buddhist monks chanting.  They are letting go and opening themselves up to receive, to become loving-kindness and compassion.  My church decided a few years ago to have more singing/chanting at the worship services, but in fact it never really took hold.  Places that sang a lot continued to sing and those that were more mute, stayed mute.  It is what it is.  But I like to chant the psalms as a way to empty myself and at 8,000 feet altitude that is a lot of surrender.  

Knot First

 When I was taught to sew one of the first things I was shown is that I must make a knot in one end of the thread before I actually do any sewing.  If no knot, then the needle and thread goes right through the garment, and out the other end.  Nothing is sewn together.  I look like I am sewing, but nothing gets mended or sewn together.  So it is with my spiritual life, my teaching, preaching, living in a monastery.  If I just talk about something good, like being selfless, being of service, letting go of self-will run riot, pray in choir, but in fact don't really practice what I am saying or singing, then I am getting nowhere, like someone who tries to sew without making a knot first in the thread.  The inner work, the examination of conscience, working on relationships with God and others, learning to listen and let go of me as a center of the universe are what makes the knot in the thread.  Of course, if you don't know how to sew, I suggest, only suggest, that you learn.  It may improve your potential to be a good marriage partner, or live in companion.  It did not help me, but I have so much inner work to do!  Gotta go.  

Outsides/Insides

When people come to the monastery, Pre-Covid times, they come for religious services and are impressed by the monks, singing and praying in choir.  They enjoy talking to us after the time in Chapel.  We are very impressive on the outside.  But the Benedictine Rule is not to develop social skills with people we see for a moment, or to make us look holy to others.  The rule is for our insides, or else we join the world of religious hypocrites of which there are a few.  Just because we look like we are walking the walk and talking the talk does not mean that we are automatically transformed within.  That takes a lot of work that the public never sees.  We have to learn to get along, respect, and be open to people we see continually, one another in the monastery.  We all have shortcomings that you do not see.  We have to learn to love the imperfect person who messes up our plans for the day.  We have to learn to let go of our plans as if they were a holy rule.  We have to learn to live in the moment without resentments or future think.  We have to learn to practice prayer from the heart.  You too have to learn to get beyond looking good on the outsides or in manner with people you pass by or with whom you have brief encounters that do not mess with your agenda.  Putting on the right clothes and fixing our face seems hard I know, but it is a lot easier to do than the inside work of the heart. 

The Earth

With all this severe weather we are having and the Coronavirus, I was thinking about a boy with a toy.  The toy breaks, for whatever reason.   Maybe he was too rough with it or tried to make it do something it was not made to do.  Anyhow, he brings the toy to Mom to fix it.  Mom asks how the toy got broken.  The boy says he does not know.  It just broke.  He is innocent.  The mother suspects he is more to blame than he will admit.  But she fixes the toy and tells him to be careful.  He forgets to say thank you, and walks away.  After a while, the toy breaks again.  Seems it is rather fragile for the way he uses it.  He goes back to Mom to fix it.  Mom says, you will have to live with your broken toy.  The boy is now angry with Mom, and is stuck with a broken toy.  The earth is the broken toy.  Some people think they are innocent of the mess, and some just want God to fix things up again, though they don't want to change behavior in relation to the earth.  You did not blame the Mom in my story, so why blame God?  We are living with a mess no matter how it happened.  

Outer Limits

Today I will have been at the monastery for four months.  This is the outer limits of my usual summer stay.  So whatever happens beyond this will be all new to me.  We have had some chilly weather and snow while the heat is not yet on and I have gotten through that with a minimum of whining, well, a minimum for me.  Usually, after four months I am looking forward to the next thing, Boulder, San Francisco,  all which is future-think.  But since there is not future thinking going on in my head at this time, I am content with being where I am.  The Grace of Senior Years is to realize that I am not missing out on anything.  In Covid times, the young do not have this luxury.  These times are very hard for them.  One thing to think about given that so many of us are "home" a lot, is why do you spend time and energy thinking about getting away?  What is the matter with home?  Unless of course you live in San Francisco where it is the "Red Planet" sky.  

r Hopeless

 When you have no power to make a change for the better, it does not mean that you are hopeless.  Don't confuse helpless with hopeless.  Many people do.  Helpless means self-help.  I cannot make the change by myself or by my own power.  Hopeless would mean that there is no solution or help from anywhere else.  Spiritual paths say that there is hope, and the people who go most deeply into these paths are people who know that left alone to their own devices, they will never reach any potential for being their best selves.  My religion is most helpful and hopeful when I surrender, admit I need help, and then do the work.  When I think I have some power to negotiate, or use my religion as some magic to make changes, I usually end up a mess.  My religious practice does not mean that I can do some ritual and then go off and do whatever self-willed project I desire.  it is not about getting my way.  It is about following The Way.  

Self-Help

The place where self-help books come up short is in the area of powerlessness.  People tend to turn to self-help for solutions to nagging, ongoing difficulties, because they don't have to admit powerlessness or surrender to anything.  It gives one the a sense of control with the new tool kits from the self-help program.  All this might work well if you are not powerless over whatever you "problem" is.  I did the route of self-help and learned a lot.  I gained knowledge.  I took action based upon this knowledge.  I did not change.  And neither did anyone else around me.  It is humiliating to then admit I had lost control, or was powerless to change me with this self-help knowledge.  I had knowledge but no power.  This is where a spiritual path of surrender and obedience to a process allowed me to climb out of a mess and into the light.  I have found that knowledge plus action is not as good as surrender plus action.  

Structure

The Rule of St. Benedict which structures the day and life of the monk, is not meant to make a person become a generic monk, or a monk like other monks.  Nor does the rule make you a mystic.  What the rule does is provide an overall structure, or order, that allows a person to become their best self as a monk.  It takes many years, even with the structure, or because of the structure, for a person to become a monk.  Structure allows one to focus on the spiritual growth because a lot of other daily events, needs, wants, are taken care of by the rule.  One does not have to ask what time it is.  A bell will tell them time and what comes next.  Meals happen at a specific time.  Common prayer, and what prayers are said in common are all a given throughout the day.  One does not have to spend endless time planning or changing things.  So I think it can be of great help to you who read this, non-monks, non-nuns, not in monasteries, to find a way to have structure, routine in your life, so that you can focus more energy on the prayer, with more time given, due to structure, for silence and solitude.  This is especially hard in Covid times, when we have so little control over things.  But having meals at a certain time, getting up and going to bed at a certain time, recreation at a certain time, and limiting how many tasks will be done in any one day, all give structure and can contribute to the energy needed for a spiritual practice.  

Vaccine Shots

 I ma typing this blog now, soon after my two shots, Shingles #1 and Booster flu shot for old folks, because my arms will be falling off soon and I will have fever and chills.  But hopefully no flu or shingles.  Second shingles shot in two months.  My baby sister did the same thing a few days ago.  Last year I waited to get flu shot till early October and the country was out of dosage.  The spiritual path requires that we do something about this shell of a body that houses the spirit within.  All prayer and no vaccines can be a bit of an unbalanced way of life nowadays.  There are very few pharmacies up here in the mountains where I am, so the demand is great, and there can be a wait.  I am reading a 500+ page history book so I was prepared.  Chairs full of people waiting for their flu shots.  At least now when I pray I won't be thinking about what a baby I am for not going to get my shingles shot.  I heard rumors of pain and suffering.  So I ate some sugar as soon as I got home.  I know it makes no sense, but I used up my little common sense in going to get the shots.  How about you?  

Trellis

 Think of following a spiritual path from some tradition, as opposed to winging it yourself.  The tradition is like a trellis and you are the plant/branching out on the trellis.  You don’t know which way the branch will go, but it will go in some direction on the trellis.  So it is with a tradition.  You don’t grow into a Buddhist or a Christian as if it were all a cookie cutter result.  You grow to be more you in whichever tradition you chose to follow.  There is no Buddhist perspective or Christian perspective.  There is a Buddhist giving their perspective from their practice as it is with a Christian.  If someone says, “Are you a Christian?” The answer is not a simple yes, as if there is only one kind.  That is fundamentalist and tribalism.  Rather, you are the unique you who follows a Christian tradition.  Fellow Christians are on the same trellis, but not all the same branch going in the same direction.  Or maybe I am a heretic!  

God

 I am puzzled a bit by people who say that they do not believe in God because it has no certainty.  It is made up by imagination or some emotion such as fear or loneliness.  There would be no truth in the word “god’ for them.  It is all made up.  But many of these same people believe in Facebook or other media centers in cyberspace.  They believe what they read in newspapers that appeal to their politics.  But as we are coming to know there is a lot of information that is “news” but it is not “fact.”  Yet people choose to believe and maybe it is based upon some of the same feelings such as fear.  And such people never question this news or information anymore than a religious fundamentalist questions their beliefs in A God.  I think of myself as an ongoing searcher within my faith.  It keeps me open and growing.  To believe something or to deny something simply because it fits or does not fit with where you are, stunts growth.  Where you are may not be where you are called to be.  Just because you are comfortable does not mean that growth is over.  

Labor Day

I hope this is a good Labor Day holiday for you.  But Covid does say something about our life each day.  Schools have been back in session with some uneven responses to Coronavirus.  Labor Day used to be the end of summer when I was school age.  Then school began.  Had school started in the third week of August in NYC we would have melted brains in the non-air conditioned classrooms.  I guess kids take heat better today, or maybe not.  Many a parent says that friendships made in the school are very important and so they want in class school.  Oh?  Well, let me ask these same parents, how many of those 'friendships" that you thought so important, do you bother to call or email anytime this year, now eight months into it?  If they were important to your growing up, when did they lose their importance?  I know the post office is slow, but eventually, they do deliver a stamped, written letter.  If this is a holiday, why not contact one of those important friends of your growing up and say thank you?  Come to think of it are any of them contacting you?  Those are the people that truly know us, before we reinvented ourselves to become spouses, parents, workers and even monks.  

God’s Job

 Sometimes I find myself trying to do God’s job.  Fix others.  I find myself grossing about how I should tell someone what is wrong with them and what they need to do in order to get right.  I of course know what is wrong with them and what they need to do.  It would all make my world a better place.  But when I am in this mode I am not really pondering what are my shortcomings, and what I need to do.  Telling someone else what is wrong with them does not take much time and no effort on my part to fix them.  But to work on myself takes a lot of effort on a daily basis and a lot of backsliding.  So I need to concentrate on me.  Besides, I have not lived the life or history of other people.  I do know that I want them to act in a certain way to make me feel better.  It is really mostly about me.  Work on me is full time!

Hostages

Sometimes we try to hold onto or manufacture a relationship for reasons that are all about ourself.  These relationships end in disaster sooner or later.  Good relationships are mutual and quite selfless.  Such a relationship helps us to grow beyond our own needs, to consider the needs of others.  Some relationships are over or are unhealthy and we are the last to know.  We don't pick up the signals.  We hold on or manufacture a bond because we are needy, or trying to fix ourself through the other person, or feel incomplete without "someone" else in my life.  If this is you, a sane person will leave you.  But if you both are needy, self-fixing through the other, or feeling a scary incompleteness, the relationship might carry on miserably, but carry on nonetheless.  I have  seen people in recovery programs, working on other issues, who have discovered they were or had been in such dead end relationships.  I hope that my God belief is not hanging on for merely self-serving motives.  That would not be love.   

Accepting

I must remember that when I walk into a room full of different types of people and opinions, backgrounds, I must be in my "acceptance" mode.  Where I get tripped up is when I hear someone say something that I think is dead wrong and I say to myself, "I don't accept that," which for me includes not accepting that person as they are at that moment.  If someone does not accept me, I cannot then refuse to accept them as they are.  I have heard people with sexual identity issues say that they don't go to something because they do not feel accepted.  But does feeling unaccepted lead you to not accept others who differ or disagree with you?  Where a room is full of non-acceptance behavior I have to be careful not to become unaccepting of the unacceptors.  I can disagree or not accept as true what someone says, but I try not to dismiss the person as "unacceptable" as a person.  I have not walked in their shoes or had their experiences or maybe even their fears about an issue.  I have seen people change over time in their views and opinions.  They were allowed to be themselves until new experiences and connections lad to to wear a new pair of glasses as someone metaphorically said.  

The Bee

I am like a bee.  The bee goes from flower to flower taking something from each.  Then it works on what it takes and eventually we get sent honey to eat. Yummy!  My teaching/blogs, I hope, are the honey for you. I get my teaching not because I am smart but because I read and take this from one author and that from another.  I work on what I take, and then give it to you.  At least this is my plan.  Yes? No? Anyway, maybe you are a bee of sorts too.  You might take some wisdom you learn and then give it as food to another person or situation.  Learning to cook and then editing a recipe to your taste and then feeding others is an example.  Parenting or Grand-parenting skills might be learned from a mentor.  I learn how to be a monk by watching and listening to other real monks.  How does one learn to be a partner or ethical worker?  We can all be bees, and it becomes sweet life for others.  

Terry Teaching

 For those who might be interested, I will be doing a Zoom teaching this Saturday morning, 9:00 AM Mountain time, and the topic is Ruth Burrows, a Carmelite.  The zoom number is 857 0160 1435 and there is no password.  Most of the presentation will be in the first hour, and then a short break and 20:00 meditation time and then some Q&A.  

Clinging

God is trying to detach me from my deadly grip on my insecurities.  I read about mystical deaths and they sound so wonderful.  Yet they are not so wonderful to experience.  Example: at times, many times, I want external recognition, which is approval of my spiritual course that I am on. This would feed my security wants.  Yet, I need to let go of results, approval, a time line because these are about me.  And what if I am not on the correct course as God wills, but rather on my course that God does not will?  One of the ways that I trip myself up is when I have a beautiful (I felt good) mediation, on a morning, and then the next morning I eagerly show up to have the same good feeling of "mystical union!"  And it is BLAH.  Nothing but distraction, fantasy, plans for the day, worries about how something did or will turn out that I am doing or will do, and so on.  There is the saying, "Let go and let God" but this is easier said than done by one like me.  Can you actually show up to prayer, or service for that matter, with no expectations, or at least detached from them?  Is there an easier and softer way?  Apparently, not for me.  

Certainty

Certainty is not faith.  Certainty has an end point.  The path ends.  You have arrived at ideology.  Some one says, “I have found God in the Eucharist.”  They go to church and are comforted, much like the Last Supper where the followers of Jesus, with several cups of wine and a good meal of companionship, feel that they have arrived at the kingdom.  No more searching, no more path, for that would bring some doubt and darkness.  People of church want none of that.  But the Last Supper did not end the path, the search, the growth.  There was still the cross of Good Friday.  At this event of God Friday, most of the guys at the Last Supper disappeared.  Jesus said, “Take up your cross.”  The Last Supper was a feast for remembrance.  It was not going to make followers if they think Eucharist is arrival at the end of the journey.  The path never ends for one who wants more than comfortable feelings in ceremony or prayer.  Faith is a cloud of mystery, a challenge that calls the follower to be open to go deeper.  Church is the boat.  It is safe in a storm.  But Jesus who walked on water, said, “Follow me.”