Albertine

 Today is the funeral mass in Knoxville, TN for Sister Albertine Paulus.  She lived to be 93 and what energy she had for all these many years.  I am humbled and happy to have known a saint in my lifetime and she is one.  She loved her imperfect church, but its imperfections never daunted her.  Rather it gave her energy and the urgency to push on to make church and world a better place.  And she was fun too.  She worked for ecumenism and interfaith activities when it was not a major focus for others.  She had a diocesan job but was not a bureaucrat or desk person.  And she kept me on my toes when I was pastor there.  Many a time I wanted to coast but she always pushed the pace.  I am blessed that I knew her and was influenced for the better by her.  May she Rest In Peace.   

Therese

 Catholics have a special bond with one another.  It is the mass.  I have Catholic friends who say that they miss me and wish to be closer to me, but then they don’t attend Sunday mass.  The mass is what connects us though we are many miles apart.  We are all saying the same prayers, hear the same readings and offered the same communion.  This is what makes us one body.  It is the spiritual connection.  I have had people say they want to see me and when we are together all they talk about is themselves.  So I remind myself that when I am at mass in this mountain monastery, I am very connected with a body greater than myself, and hopefully, many of my Catholic friends.  

Expectations

 I still get caught up in “being upset” that people don’t do as they should in my judgment.  Then I judge them according to their behavior.  I get upset.  Example: I thought I was in fit spiritual condition.  I walked into the kitchen four hours after I had left it following a meal I prepared for the monks.  They said they would clean up.  They did not do a good job.  The dish-washer was still on from four hours ago, dishes still unwashed, dirty water in the slop bucket, garbage not taken out.  I exploded, fortunately only to myself.  God did hear the swear words and invectives.  Purgatory awaits, if lucky.  I cleaned it all up.  Then I walked outside and the sun came out, the wind died and I relaxed enough to laugh at myself.  God puts up with far worse in me, than I do with others.  My spiritual condition is so out of shape.  Trudge on.  

Conformity

 Some people react to what they think is “conformity” by taking up a negative conformity.  I remember when I was younger, and entering the the years of preparation for being ordained a priest.  I decided that I was not going to conform to the “establishment.”  I was not going to have a trim haircut, clean shaven face, or wear cache pants and plaid shirts when at leisure.  So I begin to look to like the “non-conformists” I saw hanging on the edges of conformity.  I grew long hair, beard, wore tank tops, wild colors in clothing and so on.  I conformed to the non-conformist look.  Who knew what a mess?  Anyway, now I don’t ask myself what a monk is supposed to look like, or what I don’t want to look like.  No more negative conformity, but rather what does God want changed on my insides.  How can I conform to God’s will for me?  It is a lot easier to simply change the outsides and fake that the insides changed too.  

Another Solution

 Prejudice is another solution to loneliness.  We like to stay tribal because it makes us feel that we fit in somewhere, somehow.  My opinions, become truths if I hang around with people who agree with me, look like me and act like me.  Some people use religion to deal with their loneliness.  They go to worship with people like them, with similarities sufficient to make them feel comfortable.  It is tribal.  There are black churches, white churches, conservative and liberal, and what not.  They feel “right” if they are in their tribe.  Opinions become truths.  But when we walk away and go to some privacy away from the tribe, the unease of loneliness can return.  A solution is to get angry with people who don’t agree with us.  We end up talking to the television or the computer screen.  Loneliness: the unattended reality of being human.  

Tribal Defences

 I think that loneliness is what we avoid accepting.  We don’t like to be with ourselves seemingly doing nothing, accomplishing nothing.  So we busy ourselves with activities, shopping, internet, travel.  These activities are not wrong in themselves, but they become useless as a solution to loneliness.  That is the world without much of a spiritual path.  Loneliness is normal.  It is part of our humanness.  If we can sit with this feeling, this reality, we might notice some things hard to swallow, but quite important.  We confront our own nothingness.  I don’t mean this as a value judgment.  You can be very important in your life, but you are only here for a short time and then you die.  As the Buddha might say, we are all heaps of dung!  What good is that?!! On a spiritual path it will show us that we are deeply loved, just for being ourself.  Just for being here now.  It is unconditional.  We don’t have to “do” anything.  Loneliness is the door to our truest worth.  

Business Meeting Prayers

 Don’t make all your prayer time business meetings with God.  Those prayers are all about agenda items, things you want from God, or want God to do for you or others.  Then from your side you promise to do somethings for God, some pious, active, verbal devotion, or some kindness for others.  These are good prayers but they cannot be “all” your prayers,  You need meditation time, where you sit, rest, walk in silence and solitude, letting go of random or purposeful thoughts, with no agenda accept what God might want.  And God might simply want to be with you.  Prayer is not about changing God.  It is about changing you from the insides.  

Day One

I have heard people say "My sobriety date is..." and then they give the date when they last stopped drinking.  But the first day of not drinking is hardly sobriety.  It is your "dry" date.  Sobriety takes a lot of work from that day onward.  It is a bit like someone saying they became a Christian on the day they were baptized.  Baptism does not make a Christian in practice.  It makes a member.  It is entrance into membership.  Becoming a Christian takes a lot of work that many baptized people don't do.  Thus the hypocrisy.  One day of meditation does not make one a buddhist.  It might make one a practitioner of meditation, but becoming a buddhist takes a lot of work besides the sitting.  So I ask myself, "Am I a monk?"  No, not yet.   

Being More

As someone said about economic development, it is about “being more” and not about “having more.”  I would say it is the same with spiritual development.  We trying to focus on getting more stuff to satisfy some sense of lack in or around us.  Instead we pursue the spiritual practice in order to fill up the insides, the space in our heart, that no consumer purchase or vacation or geographic move, or partnering will fill up.  I seem to have less stuff now, but feel fuller with the focus on Spirit.

 

Too Much Too Soon

 When I go into church I like to look at the bulletin.  Some bulletins have very little going on but the service.  But some have a lot going on and I wonder if it is too scattered.  I like the "singular purpose" idea.  Recovery programs and Trappist Monasteries have a singular purpose. AA says it will help you to stop drinking.  Why not more of "save the world stuff?"  Because recovery believes that you are already gifted, but alcohol has gotten in the way.  Their process of recovery reveals all the good potential in you and gives you the confidence to make the world you live in a better place.  But they don't have that as their primary purpose.  Conversion first.  Then the rest will follow.  You go from wet to dry to sober to Wow!  Are any of these blogs a Wow?  Or have I lost my singleness of purpose?  Anyway, I trudge along in the monastery.  

Got That Feeling

 I met people who tell me that they believe something because the dogma makes sense.  They have a kind of intellectual faith.  But do they feel it?  I like the person who said, "I know what I believe because I feel it."  Eventually the intellect, the mind will come around but first the heart must be touched.  In a recovery program, people seem to come back after initial meetings because they "felt good" at the last meeting or meetings.  They are clueless about steps and literature, but they believe what they feel and that keeps them in contact.  Many people believe in their heads a particular religion, or at least have no grave doubts.  But they attend infrequently.  They are not drawn by any deep enough feeling that bonds them to the group or the process.  Welcoming the newcomer and accepting them as they are can go a long way.  Walk the walk.  Later you can talk the talk.  

The How To

 I practice meditation, spiritual reading, checking in with other people on the journey, because I know where I am going...to non-dual transformation with my God.  But I don't know how to get there.  Thus I practice all of the above.  Where I am now, in the journey, I have never been before.  I am not on a spiritual relapse or do over.  Growth is always new.  If it is a repeat, it is not growth.  You have been there before.  So I don't try to do this myself.  I try to hang out with someone, either in person, their writings, who is ahead of me.  They will show me the way.  My Power, God, is the ultimate tracker and so I try to follow.  I know people who got help, got on the journey, followed, and then decided they could go it alone.  They fell back to the "before" the journey, and then things got worse.  I even learned from them.  Don't do this alone.  

As You Are

 If you show up in a house of worship, drunk, hung over, disheveled, smelly, you may very well be asked to leave or at least everyone will avoid you.  If you show up at a recovery meeting like that, they welcome you just as you are. And they talk to you.  I think my God likes the recovery meeting attitude better that the worship place.  I try to keep this in mind whenever my mind begins to go small.  

Finding God

 Someone said, "I cannot find God.  I tried.  I searched around and could not come up with a god."  People have told me that they have even looked inside themselves in some meditation technique, hoping God would show up.  Nada.  I am familiar with this problem and process of search.  But one thing never occurred to me until lately.  I was looking for God inside me, when in truth, I was inside God.  I was surrounded by Power.  So when I close my eyes in meditation, it is dark.  But dark is not empty, just dark.  God is dark?  Yes, but God is a Light in the darkness.  That Light is me!  And you are the Light in your darkness.  

Mistakes

Jus because we make mistakes does not mean that we are mistakes.  If someone says,"You are nothing but a screw up," or "You are nothing but a drunk," well, you are more than that.  When we mess up, we don't become a mess.  Rather we hide our good qualities, even from ourself.  If someone says, "You are no good," this is not true.  You are no good in one area, but good in some other areas.  I was "no good" at drinking, or running fast for that matter.  But I could run slowly for a long time, which is "long distance running."  So I don't drink nor try to run fast.  I could not hit the curve ball in baseball either, but I won't kill myself over it.  Let us accept that we are human beings, not gods.  We have shortcomings and gifts.  Growth is when we recognize both.   

Solitude

 It has been said that, “Solitude is born out of the womb of society.”  That is, one must first learn to live with others, in love, service, acceptance and compassion.  The world of others smooths out our rough edges, educates us to opinions other than our own narrow self.  We learn to be part of before we feel led to be apart.  If one jumps too quickly into what they call “solitude” it may be mere isolation, protection from past hurts, trauma, or the inability to get out of self-centeredness.  Simply living alone does not put one on a spiritual path to growth.  True solitude is a running toward, rather than a running away.  A true solitary has a sense of where they are going, but yet do not know how to get there.  For that, they rely on a power not their own.  

Enough

 What is the release from economic insecurity?  Is it having “more” or something else?  I like the idea that economic security (one of the promises of the recovery steps) is not about having more money and all the anxiety and effort that comes with it, but rather being at peace with what comes and goes.  With money/things/stuff there is never enough it seems.  Being OK with what I have is a good way for me to be, especially now living in a monastery and giving my talks on Zoom.  What comes in, comes in, and what bills/invoices I get, I get.  I like living in the now.  

Despair

 When you suffer a broken heart from some relational situation, do you despair?  That is, “I will never love or do this again because my heart was broken,” type despair?  I have seen it happen to people.  They had the best house, the best career job, the best partner, and then it was gone.  They despaired.  They tried to achieve no longer.  They reached no longer.  When I have been tempted to despair, I think of the Pieta.  What is that?  It is Mary, Jesus’ Mother, holding her dead son in her lap after he is taken down from the cross.  Her heart was broken but she did not despair.  Her life had changed, not ended.  God’s plan was not her plan.  After she buried her son, she has been at God’s plan gradually unfolding in her, ever since.  

Suffering

 I believe that in the Four Noble Truths of the Buddha, all life is suffering.  Suffering in itself has no power.  It does have power if it is caused by love.  Jesus on the cross, for instance, has power because his suffering is out of love in the Christian context.  I delude myself if I want to be loving, but without any suffering or pain.  I would be but a child or adolescent.  The grown up, if not delusional or infantile, knows that love at some point has suffering.  It cost us.  This moment is when we are truly on the spiritual path to becoming all that we are supposed to be.  

Adolescent

 At times I am like an old body with a teenager inside of it, acting out.  The behavior can come out as a mix of fear and arrogance.  Behind all this is a feeling of being alone as in lonely, disconnected from those with whom I am arrogant.  The people around me are not making me happy.  They are not doing their job.  Lest I get too far down this messy road, I try to find ways to connect, to feel "part of."  When I feel part of the monastery, I am at peace, one among others, compassionate, listening.  When disconnected, I am opinionated, judgmental, and "off doing my own thing."  I prefer to act my age, but it can be work and needs a constant program of spiritual renewal.  

Sober Bottom

 I have had what  someone called, “A Sober Bottom.”  My body is ingesting all the right stuff, but my spirit is a mess.  Example: a relationship falls apart, or I have to move when I am not ready, or I lose a job that fulfills me, or I get very sick.  I feel that my life is in ruins.  I have no solutions to my unhappiness.  I am confused and inarticulate when trying to express myself.  This bottom is really a grace hidden behind or beneath my anxiety, fear, broken heart and confusion.  It is a moment of surrender.  Not to what, but from what.  I surrender from trying to figure it all out.  I don’t so much let go.  I am still too attached.  I let go of a solution that depends upon me figuring things out.  An empty space is now within me.  The “Nearness” has some space to be felt in Presence and to be the Power that is not mine.  Why cannot spiritual development be easier?!!!

Co-Dependence

 The monastery community has revealed to me my co-dependence.  That is, my happiness, tranquility and peace depend upon the other monks shaping up and doing things the way they should be done.  I do not control or decide my happiness.  Others do.  I find that on any give day, I am suddenly attacked by co-dependence.  I am out of sorts because some monk did not do “the right thing.”  I know what is right and they did not do it.  Or, on another occasion, I feel ignored, and so get into a jag about being ignored.  My importance depends on what others do, say, think, and so on.  It is tough to be happy and at peace, when I have no say or power to make it happen.  I need a meeting!

The Nearness

 Since so many people have a problem or bad history with the word “God” I think that I will refer to God as the “Nearness.”  Nearness refers to activity and relationship.  My divine power is always near to me, and does not depend on my knowing or recognizing the nearness.  But if I want to enjoy the relationship and benefit better from it, that does depend on me.  What do I do?  I suggest a bit of surrender of all programs for happiness and preoccupations with self-focus.  The world is not all about me, but it is about “us” in relationship of love.  That is a huge leap from bondage to self.  

The Dawn

 Do you need to be noticed or praised when you do something or have a special appearance such as in clothes, face, hair?  Or do you just do it because that is who you are, beautiful.  Lots of people are bummed if they are ignored when they think they are “attractive” in look or deed.  Being dutiful or simply showing up is not enough for them.  They need the praise and recognition.  So when I am feeling that way, I take as my mentor the Dawn.  It shows up dutifully and quite beautifully, many a time, even though most people are too preoccupied to notice, much less praise.  Daily, I show up with my beautiful blogs whether I am noticed or not.  I never know when I might be someone’s light in the morning dawn.  Or not!

Never

 A lot of people make resolutions to not do something or to begin to do something, or change something, and they mean forever.  Never again will I do this, or I will do this for the rest of my life.  I tried that and it just did not work.  Maybe I am weak or basically bad.  Whatever, I decided on the recommendation of some friends, that "forever" is not part of a change in behavior.  I only have to do it for today.  Tomorrow I can make another decision for tomorrow.  It worked for me in amazing change.  I don't have a "forever" resolve, but I do have a "daily" resolve.  I don't ask for big miracles, just littler ones on a 24 hours basis.  

Different

 When I was younger, I did not feel so much that I was different from other people, but rather that I was a bit clueless about how to fit in.  Out of that can come loneliness, even though I might be in a group.  A Now I can usually tell when I am out of sorts in making a connection because I tend to become critical, a bit angry, and blaming others in my mind if not on my tongue.  Whenever these feelings or attitudes come up, lumped often in resentments, I more often catch myself and take action to separate from any bad behavior or turmoil within me.  Most often when things are not to my liking and I go sideways, I realize it is not about others, but about me slipping off the spiritual path of practice. 

Convert Work

One of the reasons that the Catholic Church is so lame about "evangelization" is that for centuries they relied on the state to support the Catholic Church.  In Europe, for centuries, there was no separation of church and state.  Convert the king/queen and everyone better follow.  But the smaller, mom and pop churches, did not have state support.  So they learned to be more agressive about getting members, while not being punished by the government.  In the United States we have separation of church and state.  The Vatican did not like this in our country.  They had no state support and eventually had to figure out how to be more evangelizing.  In the South, a non-Caholic will ask you right off, "What church do you go to?"  Not where do you live or work, but what is your religion.  A Catholic never would do this.  It just is not us.  And if you said you had no church, the person who asked you would invite you to their church.  By and large, Catholics don't go looking for you.  They wait until you come to them and then they put you in convert classes.  

Prayer Agenda

 Do you pray to try and get your god or power to make the world conform to your personal plans or wants?  I find that I do this at times. The shortcomings of this agenda in prayer is that I focus on the world out there being changed and not on my change.  I try now, more often, to open myself, call it surrender if you will, to God's plan to change me to become my better self.  I don't quite know what that will look like, but I believe the better me will be good for myself and those around me.  So it is a prayer of faith in an unknown future.  God has a plan, or opinion, of how I am supposed to be.  It is good for someone like me to always get a second opinion about my future.  Keeps me from letting self-centeredness, or bondage to self, ruin the future for me.  In recovery, it is called, "turning your will and your life over to your Higher Power."

Work The Solutions

 I go to meetings of people who are working on spiritual solutions to life's problems.  I try not to present old problems at the meeting for which I received a previous spiritual solution.  Rather I try to use the advice given to me to work on the problem after the meeting.  If I bring up the same ole mess each meeting it is because I am not working the solution.  I am just using the meeting to "feel better."  OK, but that is not the same as spiritual growth or becoming mature and grown up.  It is me just being lazy and whining.  I minimize my time in gatherings where there is a preponderance of old issues and hardly any solutions offered.  I prefer to step into solutions, but it takes work.  

Morning Choices

 I make a choice each morning to do such things as a fresh cup of coffee, spiritual reading and meditation.  Some stretching too.  Why all this?  I am not getting holy.  But I have come to realize that being happy each day is a choice most of the time.  Yes, there is sudden bad news, and illness and so on, but as best as I can in response to life on life's terms, happy is a choice.  Some people drink to be happy.  That is a short-term solution at best.  Some have sex but that in itself does not make them happy.  Happy is a choice that comes from insides energy, heart energy.  Feed the heart and the choice is easier.  The heart cannot digest selfishness, or resentment, or a general bondage to self.  Someone said that the choice to be happy each day is to "dress in spiritual armor."  It is an armor that does not weigh me down but frees me up.  Light armor in the summer of course. 

My Opinion

When I say something as an observation, or judgment, or solution, I say, "But that is just my opinion."  Behind it is what I really mean.  Everyone is entitled to hear my opinion.   I usually say my opinion in a group of people for all to hear.  I do it with false humility, because on my insides I am anything but humble.  My blogs are my opinion on many subjects.  I will work on the inside humility today.  But I like doing my opinion blogs still.  

Tact

 I tend to be critical.  Someone told me how to do this with "tact."  It is the art of "telling someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip."  I do ponder this advice.  It does soften a critical nature, while at the same time not letting some bad behavior go unmentioned or ignored.  I just have not quite figured out how to do that.  But it is creative.   I do recall a waitress telling an over weight guy who was ordering a lot of sugar sweets, that he must like heaven because he seems to want to get there sooner rather than later.  He gave her a big tip and went veggie.  What can I say?