The Race

 If we always view other people as competition, or judge them in a compare and contrast attitude to ourself, we will never see them as being the Presence of Christ, for Christians, Presence of Allah for Muslims and so on.  In recovery we can be so competitive as to miss the gift of others in the room.  “Thank God I am not as bad as that person,” and so on.  If I can get comfortable with myself, my good and not so good, through meditation, or talking it out with other confreres, I have a chance to see the gift of the other in my life.  

The Chair

 I was visiting with a mother of two young children.  They were under the age of 6.  It occurred to me that wherever the mother sat she could see what the children were doing.  She never sat with her back to the children.  If they were all at the table eating, she could sit and see them.  If they got up to go and play in another part of the room, she would change her seat.  Always the view.  God is like that.  We can be as little children, and God is always aware of us and available to clean up our mess if we are not able, while giving us a child-like free will to learn, grow, and yes, mess up.  God wants us to grow and is like a mother to us.  We have freedom, and yet God is aware.  Meditation is when I stop and become aware of God.  My chair of meditation, is so that I can become open to a view of God in the deeper part of my heart.  

The Magnolia

 After a several week visit to Colorado I arrived back in San Francisco and found the magnolia flower still blossoming on the tree outside my window.  I still see no brothers or sisters of this magnolia anywhere.  It is a singular flower, and it will continue to bloom for me to see.  I will be persistent too in whatever singular task I undertake here.  Just be me at my best.  Prayer helps.  

The Farmer

 Farmers live on optimism.  Otherwise they would not be farming.  There would be too much risk presented to them by naysayers.  I think it is a good attitude: optimism.  It can work well in spirituality, recovery, prayer.  We enter into a process such as meditation, and don’t see results we would like to see in the here and now.  The pessimistic person gives up.  I have heard many a person in a recovery program from alcoholism, for instance, say that they got “hope” at an early meeting.  Hope is the companion of optimism.  When I meditate, I have long term hope and optimism that this is the right thing to do, no matter what the here and now results are.  Of course, if you are an alcoholic, but you are optimistic that you can drink again, you are insane.  Get a second opinion.  

Place At Table

 When Jesus says take the lowest place at table it reminds me of meditation.  In meditation I have no expectations.  I don’t expect something good to happen to fatten my ego, like a “spiritual moment.”  I simply sit at the lowest place and wait.  Maybe the host, God, will invite me to a higher, closer spot to the host, God.  Maybe not. My job is to show up.  Prayer of this type is about the experience of union, presence, but I am not in charge of this.  So ultimately, meditation is very humbling.  People often say they are atheists because they do not experience anything when they tried meditation.  Either they are doing it wrong or there is no god.  So they give up.  

Joy

 Joy has become a radical act.  Many people decry the world situation.  There is drugs, trafficking, migration issues, intractable wars, worldliness focus on ME, polarization.  Well, joy in the face of this would be radical. But I have seen this joy in  the recovering alcoholic and drug addict.  They hit bottom, ran out of power to fix their life and turned to a Higher Power.  They have become radical people, and now they try to help others, which is different than decrying the state of the world but doing nothing locally.  This is a double action that gives me joy.  I see them happy within and then happy trying to share their joy with others who are where they once were, empty, scared and desperate.  

Matthew 13

 You think religion is irrelevant?  Well think again.  The Gospel of Matthew, Chapter 13 is in the works.  What does it say?  “To them that have much, more will be given; while to those who have little, even that which they have shall be taken from them.”  Maybe the 1% rich are reading the Bible?  

Mending

 The word “remember” has a root meaning in “to mend” as in to sew something that has been torn or damaged.  Something in my life might have become torn.  The heart gets “torn” by a hurtful incident in our life.  The heart needs to be repaired, or sewn back together again.  It needs mending, but sometimes we tend to put off the mending just as we might put off sewing a button that has become loose or torn off.  It is not a matter of forgetting, for who can forget a broken or torn heart.  It is a matter of procrastination.  My prayer life is in part to keep me sewn together because daily life can pull me apart sometimes.  

The Child

 A child is often curious about new things.  A child is less demanding when it comes upon something new or puzzling.  Curiosity keeps the child engaged without demanding that something be labeled or identified.  A child realizes that it is a newcomer to what it does not know.  It examines, waits, maybe asks questions.  On my good days, I am child-like with God.  Each day is new for me.  Yesterday is over.  Meditation keeps me open to the now, the new, the unexpected.  

The Smoldering

 Moses came upon a burning bush.  It was the presence of God in the Bible.  Well, I think everywhere I am is the presence of God, Power, if only seeming to smolder and be unnoticed.  But if I can breathe the breath of silent meditation I have found that the smoldering does become a fire in my heart and energizes me to be my best during that day.  Then there become times as I am going about my day, and I come upon the realization that I am on holy ground, be it a nature scene, a grocery line, a meeting of friends, or just walking about.  

The Frequency

 Old car radios and old sound systems had to mess round with the dial to get the correct frequency.  Sometimes, a clear sound changes depending on where I am.  Well, God has a frequency that is rather consistent no matter where I am, or you are.  It is silence, the frequency of quiet.  God is always on that frequency.  Meditation tries to tune into it.  

The Past

 One of the ways to wallow in the past and skip the present is to stay with guilt feelings.  You are guilty for what you did.  Guilt does not change the past, nor does it energize you to act in the present.  Catholics go to confession to get rid of guilt, but it does not change the past.  An amendment is an action one can do in the present time.  Sometimes you need to make an amendment to yourself if you have done some self-harm.  Then do something that brings you some wholeness or repair.  People who slip in their addiction need action in the present time and if they have been in Recovery they know what that is.  The past is done.  Guilt just relives it and that is fantasy.  

As Yourself

 The saying goes, “Love your neighbor as you love yourself.”  That is, remember to fill up your own strength so that you can help others.  You cannot give water from an empty tank.  So I try to do my meditation early and whatever other spiritual practice so that I am able to help my neighbor.  When I am cranky, I am not much good for helping others.  Putting off self-care does not do much for anyone else.  I have seen people do the right and helpful thing but from anger and resentment.  Who needs that?

Ignored

 I have found that one of the reasons that homeless people get into rants, shouting aloud to no one, is because they are not being noticed.  They long to be seen.  It is not just about ignoring their meds.  And they don’t want to be seen just so they can be threatened or told to go away or be quiet.  They rebel at direction because they are not first treated as a person who exists.  So I say “hello.”  No direction or instruction, just the normal thing one might say to a stranger in my path.  I have experienced the person suddenly stop shouting and begin to talk to me in a normal voice.  Now they may make no sense, speaking non sequitur, about one thing and then another.  So they might be insane but they feel recognized.  Eventually, they might ask for something and not always money.  Lots of people live alone in San Francisco apartments.  A simple hello can make more of a difference than you think.  

Speeding

 Do you find yourself living most of the time in the passing lane of life? Always in a hurry to get to the next whatever?  A monastery avoids this by having schedules for ordinary people who are not trying to accomplish multiple tasks in a day.  There is work and then it stops at a certain point, regardless of the status of the job.  Life can be about a steady pace, rather than a fast pace.  It depends on what you are trying to accomplish.  Meditation brings you into the right lane, the slower lane.  it gets in the way of accomplishing the next thing, but also frees you from becoming a slave to the “next” thing.  

The Journey

 Many people are on vacation this summer.  It is about going somewhere on an outer journey.  But many do not have a meditative life that allows them to be on an inner journey as well as the outer journey they are on.  And so, they fail to see deeply and thus fail to feed the heart at depth.  They come home maybe refreshed, but then daily life is just as they left it.  So make your summer travels both outward and inward.  You will see more than you expected.  You may see with the inner eye which no camera can capture.  It will show up in  your face.  Then the daily sameness will not be the same.  

Fantasy

 Fantasy is OK in the movies, but not in real daily life.  Why?  Well, fantasy is about what is not real, what is not actually present.  I am escaping my present circumstances.  This means that at the moment, I fail to see my spiritual connection with what is around me.  I may be in fantasy to avoid what is around me.  Boredom is often a failure to see more deeply.  Life is gift, not a drudgery to carry around.  Meditation helps me to see more deeply and become more connected with my surroundings. Fantasy just leads to loneliness.  

Secrets

 My God is one of Love.  Love is a great Power to heal.  If God were all about condemnation and judgment, I would not be doing very well.  Love, on the other hand, knows my secrets and bad habits, and forgives with compassion.  Why not just be a god of condemnation?  Because Love wants me to grow to be my best self.  If my God can forgive, then I can forgive myself.  Is this some easy way out?  No. Condemnation of myself fills me with shame and guilt.  I cannot grow with that emotional energy.  I might do the right thing at the moment out of shame and guilt but that would be all about fear.  A fear-based life goes nowhere good.  If I can love myself in my imperfections, then maybe I can love others in theirs too.  

Honesty

 Honesty is very important for me.  But it is more than just telling the truth to others.  It is telling the truth to myself.  I need to know on a daily basis who I am and who I am becoming.  Fantasy does not help.  It just passes time, which is limited for all of us.  To make sure I am telling my own truth, I sometimes need to check in with others who are also trying to be honest with themself  and in turn being honest with the rest of us.  Sometimes, I need to hear someone else talk about being selfish, or resentful, or simply whiny, to recognize it in me.  This way, I see a shortcoming and work honestly to be rid of its power at this time.  

Freedom

 We need freedom on the insides.  That is, we need to be free of feelings controlling our actions.  Loneliness for instance is predominant in our society with all the focus on individualism instead of community, life lived through the cell phone and internet, and a sense of separation due to perceived differences.  We can be surrounded by people, so we are not alone, but we can “feel” lonely.  So it is an inside thing rather than something going on the outsides.  The spiritual path is a way to know the emotion is here but not to let it attach itself to our actions or responses to the outside world.  Without a spiritual depth loneliness can lead to violence, anger, depression that could otherwise be avoided.  I might have a feeling of loneliness, but I recognize it and know the solution for me.  Early morning meditation helps to set me on a good path to deal with the surprises that come up later in the day, be they on the insides or outsides.  

Stability

 Why do people seem to like visiting and staying at monasteries as on a “retreat?”  Stability.  Monasteries have a routine that does not change.  It is to allow the monks to grow deeper into their spiritual life because they don’t have to spend a lot of energy on change.  Our life can be so estranged, with lots of change.  There is the physical moving from one place to another for job or lifestyle.  Marriage and children are a lot of change.  Getting a pet is change.  Monks generally don’t do pets.  We are wayfarers in life.  The monks are anchored in their rule.  No one says they want to go to a chaotic family situation or work environment.  That is not respite.  If you have a very stable life a vacation of change can be quite refreshing.  But if your life is chaos, try a monastery visit for a few nights.  

The Purpose

 Many people say that AA is about not drinking.  Actually, it is about growing up.  For the addict, not drinking is the first step.  After that the next 11 steps are about growing up.  It is about connectivity both on the outsides, in becoming part of a community and on the insides, in becoming part of a power waiting for you to show up.  It is a bit of getting out of isolation within and in the world. You don’t grow up with a focus on self-centered individualism.  Rather you grow up by doing for others without wanting a reward or recognition.  Parenting can do this.  You get married for love and learn to grow up into your best self, without as much “thank you” as you might like.  If I went to church so that I would feel better, I probably would have stopped long ago.  Life is not all about me.  

The Darkness

 Faith must live with darkness.  People will say, “I have seen the light!”  That can be an initial insight, or outsight as the case may be.  Everything becomes clear, relative to the clueless life previous.  But if this faith is to grow, it must encounter darkness, such as in meditation.  It requires trust as well as showing up to the practice.  The Light previous may have gotten you going, but the darkness is where you will grow from the insides.  Many an agnostic says they don’t know.  This is their interpretation of the dark periods.  They can even meditate and “see nothing.”  So they think there is nothing.  But if they meditate and their life grows more mature, that nothing is the something.  

Together

 Why do religions have congregation?  Why does AA have meetings?  Because we don’t believe alone.  Spiritual paths need community.  Faith may start out as personal and seemingly singular for some.  But it won’t grow or be sustained without community.  The modern focus in the Western world is on individualism.  At the same time, there is a lot less faith in things spiritual.  The focused individual does not need or want a power greater than itself.  This would cause reliance on what is not you.  People can believe in God and not go to congregational worship, but that faith will be differently nurtured.  It is so easy to become singular.  Less work.  Community is work, but it is the way to become our best self.  

Many Paths

 I have heard it said, “There are many ways to get to the same place.”  It depends on the place you are trying to get to.  For instance, someone says that AA is not the only way to stop drinking addictively.  Perhaps this is so, if all you want to do is stop drinking addictively, or stop drinking altogether.  I have seen people do this without AA.  But they never grew up.  They remained selfish and resentful when things did not go their way.  They rarely volunteered for anything.  They worked only for what they could get, usually money or recognition.  They were egocentric.  In other words, they stopped drinking but did not grow up.  AA is not just about drinking.  But few alcoholics would join if they thought it was about growing up.  One step at a time.  

The Frequency

 It is difficult to hear two things at once.  If I want to meditate quietly to hear the still, soft voice of this inner power, then I need to turn down the frequency of other channels in my life.  Turn down the future-think, resentment channel, anxiety channel and so on.  I don’t read with the radio on, or sound buds active in my ears.  Outside noise, sounds, can get in the way of coming to know your deepest and truest self.  Many of us have trouble being alone in our room with no noise.  We feel lonely and solve it by turning up frequencies.  And we never get to know ourself.  

Dry Baptism

 Baptism is like a dry drunk if after the baptism, there is no follow up, no action, no sacraments or church or prayer or bible.  I call it a dry baptism.  Lots of people have this, as they tell me so.  They don’t even believe in God or at best are agnostics.  They call themselves, “I used to be Catholic/Christian.”  The dry drunk is someone who stopped drinking but that was about it when it comes to alcoholism.  No action beyond the non-drinking.  No recovery and no growth, plus they generally don’t believe that they need to do more.  Not drinking is not recovery, any more than baptism makes one a Christian in action.  I have found action must follow up any decision that I make, or else bad things happen.  

Assets

 Assets are something we gain.  Talent is a gift.  I am not a fast runner.  I don’t have the short twitch muscles or build for it.  But I can run a long time at a steady pace.  That is a talent which I developed.  Someone might have the talent for being beautiful in the sense that it was a given, a gift from heredity.  But an asset is when you become a beautiful person from the inside.  You can speak and act the language of the heart.  You can become selfless, patient, accepting, kind and so on.  You can become a good teacher.  In my case I am working on becoming a good priest, knowing there are so many better than me at being a priest.  Sobriety is an asset, not a talent.  No one gets sober naturally.  They work at it.  Outside of being able to run slowly for a long time, everything else about me seems to be an asset.  Life is work.  

The Blaming

 I have heard people blame something about their life that made them the person they are.  Their boss, teachers, parents, trusted adult, and so on were the cause of their misery.  Well maybe not all the cause, or any of it.  Someone comes into AA and says they became addicted because of a miserable life.  They quickly get reminded that the reason for their alcoholism is that they drank, and drank uncontrollably.  Drinking makes people alcoholics, not the circumstances of their life.  Two people can have similar circumstances, such as war, but only one of them becomes addicted to drugs and or alcohol.  You don’t stop going to church because the sermons were boring.  You stopped going because you simply stopped going.  In my own decisions, I try to place the responsibility or blame where it belongs, or else I won’t change for the better.  

Power Triumphs

 Being correct usually does not triumph over power.  There is the famous Bible story of King Herod having John the Baptist beheaded at the request of the dancing Solome and her Mother.  John was correct. It was known in the Law that Herod could not wed his brother’s wife, but because he had power, he did exactly that.  Herod was wrong.  John was right by the Law.  Everyone agreed on the Law.  Herod was a Jew.  He did not have a different law or alternative facts.  He had power.  Eventually, the Roman world of Power crumbled, as it seems does any empire that tries to live with Herodic vision.  

Convenience

 A lot of people think that joy comes with convenience.  They work to  make their life convenient with life-style, gadgets, up to date stuff and so on.  And they are lonely.  Why?  Because joy comes with meaning and not with convenience.  Many of us lack enough meaning in our life.  We tend to isolate in our convenience, with enormous time spent on the cell phone.  It is inconvenient to miss out on information, or it is inconvenient to be by oneself in silence.  Meaning comes with service to others, selflessness, in the way of being helpful to others.  Sometimes meaning comes with making life more difficult for others as in helping someone to stay sober by encouraging them to do the necessary work.  I wash up dishes, and other dirty things, load dishwasher and put away the food after dinner at times.  Is in convenient?  NO.  But it does give meaning to my life, a purpose outside of my ego.  I am part of a world larger than myself and that calls for stepping out of myself.  

Home

As I was flying over the Bay to land in San Francisco Airport from my Colorado visit of 20 days, I realized that San Francisco is still not my home.  I have been trying to make it home since last October 9.  I have to give it more time.  But for now, Colorado is still so easy and comfortable for me.  It is a good fit.  But I lived there for many years and did a lot of work, made friends, and felt the love.  In San Francisco  I help out at other parishes and am the “visiting priest.”  I do little in our tiny Paulist parish that is on life-support.  Not much to do as we have a plethora of priests here for mass and so on.  I think that whenever I start teaching in this town it will begin to feel at home.  I help out at other parishes, looking for a parking lot, a room to teach in and heat.  Our Paulist parish has none of these things.  Time is my friend.  I am optimistic.  Like a farmer.