Inside Defeat

For an addict, when the head tells them they cannot do this anymore, they agree and then keep up the bad habit.  If the body tells them, they say "I will stop," and then they keep going downward physically with addictive stuff.  It is only when the insides, the heart, soul, decide that you are defeated, do you have any chance.  Why?  Because the addiction is basically a spiritual problem, manifested in crazy mind and body.  So the solution has to be a spiritual one that addresses the inside need for connection.  "I am lonely," says the addict with that feeling in the body and mind, but until the feeling goes deep into them, a heart loneliness, there will be little chance of recovery.  The solution is love, and only the heart knows how to do this unselfishly.  Otherwise, one remains at the jumping off place, until they jump.  

 

Importance

 I was told that I am being moved from my office in Boulder that I have had for the past 17 years.  It is nicely done up for me and sufficient for my importance.  The new office is a bit of a dump.  Actually it was where stuff was dumped waiting for someone to come for it.  I thought, “Don’t they know how important I think I am?”  Isn’t that the truth about me.  Anytime there is a change and I don’t like it, I think about my self-importance.  No one else seems to share my sense of self-importance.  So I get to practice acceptance, downsizing ego, and a bit of humility, not bad things to add to the spiritual path I am supposed to be on.  

Belief

 It puzzles me that the same person who says religion is all of made up stuff, fantasy, wishful thinking, or a crutch, is often the same person who has complete faith in a media news service, without any investigation of the facts.  This person criticizes God followers as simpletons who believe something simply because someone says it is so.  Yet this same person believes something is so because some news pundit says it is so.  Getting to the truth is hard work inside and outside religion. Many of us don't care to make the effort to get at truth.   We simply like to be fed what usually fits us at the moment.  Infallibility seems to be coming into fashion in the media.  The new religion.  

Taste Buds

Just like the tongue, the heart has taste buds too.  Many people have no sense of a spiritual dimension to life.  Life is all about stuff of the five senses, and what the mind can comprehend.  This is a narrow view because the heart has not been fed and spiritual food to awaken it, or feed it.  When the heart tastes the spiral dimension of prayer, surrendering love in service to others, in art, music, dance, a beautiful nature scene, we begin to "see" what was hidden from us, or denied by us.  I don't try so much to find God each day, but rather to feed the taste buds of my heart.  I have a better view of the day when I do this early as a daily practice.   

Ready?

 I don't care to listen to people with whom I disagree or who have an opinion, belief, practice, not my own.  I simply say they are wrong and tune them out or dismiss them.  Why?  Well, I am not ready to change at that moment.  I am not open to anything new or different at that moment.  I may be in a meeting with someone(s) and someone says, "Do this or that."  I am not ready at the moment to do this or that.  So I tune them out, or say, that is not for me.  I listen when I am more ready for change.  I don't say, "Oh I am ready for change, so will listen to you."  It is more like I simply find myself listening, being open, curious, adventuresome.  Of course, sometimes I change because I have to.  My way was not working, and I was the last to know it.  

Synodality

 The new buzzword from the Pope, Francis I, is "synodality."  Say what?  The root of the word is syn-odos which means "a shared journey."  Nowadays in our culture we seem to want to share journeys or anything else only with people just like us.  We don't care to engage the "other side" of an opinion or belief that we have.  We label people from a distance and remain ignorant because we never engage them, never listen to them.  The pope is not interested in professional disciples, ordained or otherwise, so much as he is interested in everyone getting involved in issues of our world, such as climate, refugees, food shortages.  He is not much for "us versus them."  This is why he stays open for engaging Russian and Chinese leaders of government.  Synodality wants all people involved in decisions, not just a government hierarchy.  Unfortunately, the hierarchy is not so much interested.  Separation preserves power.  Change threatens it.  

Resistance

 A main reason that we don't become our better or best self is that we settle for routines, the familiar, rather than something new, or "the unknown."  NEW and FEAR too often go together.  We remain like children who resist the parent's entreaty to try something new.  We hold onto stuffed bears and dolls way past their prime.  Comfort is the cure for fear.  But comfort is so often a short term solution.  A drunk walks into a room filled with strangers, and seeks comfort in drink.  They get comfortable.  And then oblivion.  Recovery is change.  So is conversion.  So few pursue either.  

Routines

 The body does not like change.  Why? It interferes with its routines.  The body gets comfortable in routines and simply resists change.  When you resist a move to a new place, the reason is that you are used to your routines.  The mind and heart may say the move is good, but the body resists.  In the new setting, after the move, you are not comfortable until your body finds routines it likes or can accept.  For many of us, to accept our cross is to accept change when our routines are taken away from us.  That is why I admire the fisherman who followed Jesus, as well as the women.  Their routines were all upset.  That may be why wisdom figures tell us to let go of everything if you are going to make a complete change.  There is no such thing as partial recovery from anything.  

Surrender

One of the things that Christianity got right is "surrender."  I never found a spiritual fit path that worked without some surrender.  A lot of surrender.  In Christianity, Jesus is supposed to be God.  He does not look like a god.  He does not look like what we think God would look like if there is a God who showed up.  Jesus, the blue collar carpenter.  Jesus on the cross.  But that is the point of Christianity.  God surrendered whatever God-ness is, and became a simple human being. But many Christians, though they say they believe it, don't really want to do the surrendering.  They are like most of us, trying to get more and become more, with power, looks, control, and so on.  Bill W got it right.  When he surrendered he was a penniless failure.  Like Jesus on the cross.  Abandon yourself!  Scary.

Never Give Up

Evil never gives up.  If it does not defeat me today, it will go at me tomorrow or soon enough.  So I can never give up the relentless effort to avoid evil winning out.  The battlefield  is my faults, bad habits, inclinations to mess up, laziness (sloth), false pride and just the inability to remember my imperfections are not in the past.  The good thing I did yesterday for my wellbeing was a good thing for yesterday. No resting on yesterday since evil is relentless.  I too must be relentless.  Some days, I have self-pity.  I don't want to make the effort to be happy.  "I am ok," I tell myself.  "I don't have the time or the energy to practice a fit spiritual condition, much less a physical one," I tell myself.  Bingo!  Evil wins and I will know it within a short time.  And others will know it sooner than I will!

Who Knows?

 Evil knows that God exists.  Otherwise, evil would be quite happy because it would have no goodness or love to battle.  Evil is never happy.  How do I know?  Because when we find ourselves in the midst of evil, after its disguise comes off, we are never happy.  Alcohol is a poison.  It messes up the gut and the brain.  Science will tell you that.  Alcohol is not evil.  It just is.  The disguise is when you think it is a good thing to drink a bunch of it.  That is the evil.  You are happy, until you are not.  Evil is most happy when you are dead from what you thought would make you happy, the solution.  Many of us act on what we think are good ideas, until they are not.  Then we are miserable.  The idea was neither good nor bad in itself.  Evil disguises itself as making us think the idea is a perfect fit for ourself.  When we are miserable enough, evil shows up with the ha ha.  I now try to get second and third opinions of people who have more experience than I and who might have learned from their mistakes before I make mine.  

The Unexpected

 Before Covid came along, and then the Russian invasion of Ukraine, many of us thought that we had "enough" of whatever we needed to live comfortably.  That is, we had our health and could afford our groceries and fuel for cars and homes.  Then stuff happened.  Stuff is that thing never foreseen or planned.  It seems to show up just when we think we have found a solution to our economic or health lifestyle.  So I have stopped trying to defeat the unexpected.  I am grateful that I have what I have for today.  I don't think of the future as worse or better, but rather as different from the present and I have no control over the unexpected.  I do what I can for what I know.  I am grateful for the day and for what I do have.  And humble enough to know I am in need of living life on life's terms.  

Enough

What is "enough."  So often, whatever it is, is NOT enough.  There is too often, the "more" factor.  Example: a fellow has a field that is producing a good crop.  It is sufficient for him, until it isn't.  He decides that he needs a tower.  His "more" is the fear of someone stealing from him when no one is looking.  Fear is one of the emotions that can trigger "more."  He starts the tower, only to find out that he does not have enough of whatever to complete the project.  He has half a tower, and his desire to hold on to what he has makes him look foolish.  Another example is the person who in fact is going to lose a good portion of what he has.  A ruler has lost a war to another ruler.  His fear is that he is going to lose "too much."  Limit his loss.  So he seeks peace terms.  But again, he too does not have enough to sue for peace.  He lost the war.  His enemy can take it all.  Better to have acceptance when defeated, and see what is available.  Better to show gratitude than a false sense of power.  Humility is what is missing in both cases.   Tomorrow's blog will continue this "enough" theme.

Stuff Happens

 I try to plan my day to accomplish some things.  But once I get in my car I enter into the world of government road crew work.  I have learned to accept this and look on the positive side.  Example: I left early before daylight, to drive from the Denver area (Boulder) to the Monastery along highway 70 West.  My plan had a timeframe.  It assumed a non-reality, a road crew free highway.  Out the window, went my time frame.  Major work was being done in the middle of the night around the Continental Divide.  I came to a dead stop, turned off my engine, and sat.  I did not get upset at my plans going off kilter.  I was traveling with gratitude.  I began to list the gratitude I had for several things.  The highway is smooth because the government budgets to work on it.  There was no accident or fender bender in our group of vehicles.  And there are a lot of trucks, delivery trucks, because so many people, like me, order stuff online now.  And so on.  It became a stress free ride.  Gratitude makes a good companion in travels.  

Less Active

 I try to keep my defective, bad habits, at a jog rather than a gallop.  I don’t think they are going to go away for good, but at least not get beyond my reach to minimize them in my daily life.  Don’t let them get into really good shape by their daily activity, that they run my life. Others around me will be so happy that my faults don’t run into them and make for a bad moment between us.  As I try to keep my spirit fit, I can keep my shortcomings unfit.  

Hypocrisy

I try to avoid being a hypocrite when I preach.  A hypocrite can be someone in my profession who does not confess to the inability to live up to their own words.  I have heard a preacher of two who said to do something and I thought, "But they don't do that."  Maybe I am wrong or judgmental.  So when I preach, I seem to admit my shortcoming in something I am "supposed" to be doing, but fail to do."  I often end up talking about God's love and mercy in the face of my disastrous and mediocre life.  My preaching does not much appeal to really pious people.  Nor do I appeal to people who want a holy priest who they can admire.  My crowd seems to be persons who are not so much trying to get holy, as trying to find hope in living with their own shortcomings and struggles.  I journey with the imperfect.   

Being Here

 When I come to San Francisco to visit with my Paulist brothers, I don't spend a lot of time running about town, eating out, visiting old friends, as much as I used to.  I am not here all that long each visit, so I take time to "be present" to the Paulists who live in the rectory.  Generally, they are at dinner each evening.  Four of them no longer drive.  So I am at dinner too.  I bake bread and make muffins for them, and pizza on Sunday evening.  I am in the ministry of "Presence" in this rectory.  Never underestimate the value of presence to another.  You may be making a difference even if you say nothing profound, nor do they say much about your presence.  I often attend meetings and offer my presence.  I don't have to pressure myself to "be of value" by some wisdom, or insight.  Just be there, but really be there.  Ram Dass, "Be Here Now. "

The Queen

 There is a Feast Day in my church called, "The Queenship of Mary."  What is that?  Well, Mary was the mother of Jesus.  Christians believe that Jesus became King of kings in the Age of Kingly governments.  Now the Queen has no power except what she gets from her husband with whom she is intimately involved in marriage, in the best of relationships.  To become a Queen back then in times of royalty, a women pretty much gave up everything she knew.  She gave up her country, culture, native language and moved to a strange place for her.  She "surrendered."  And then got power from the king.  Without the king, she had no power.  When the king died, she had better go to join a nunnery.  Now Mary gave up everything to surrender to the will of God.  So she lived on earth as Mother, and then was transformed into Queen upon her death.  Her earthly surrender brought new intimacy with God.   All her power, intercessory, comes from God.  Now, I know a guy who had no power over an addiction.  He "abandoned himself" to a power that seemed to take away his addiction.  The fellow had no power himself, but through a step by step love relationship with the Power he discovered, he could be free of his addiction.  The Catholic religion can look weird and strange, that is, until you study it in some depth.  Same with recovery programs.  

Volunteer?

 If someone suggested that I volunteer for some service I might or might not do it.  Most likely not if I was in a self-centered space.  But I like the term "volun-told."  That is, I don't get much of a choice when the reason for being volun-told is to prevent my own disaster.  Self-implosion hides itself so well behind, "I have no time," or "I don't think that is for me."  Since I am not my best guide left to my own devices, I do well when I listen to someone who sees what I don't want to see, and gives me direction, not suggestion.  The Buddha's Four Noble Truths are not suggestions.  Nor is Jesus', "Come follow me."  We will all die, but why not die transformed?  

Live For Others

Someone said, "I would die for them."  The person who said this was expressing love for others, but was not loving themselves, that is, they were not taking care of themselves.   This person was ruining their health with bad behavior while dually trying to care for their family.  Rather than dying for others, would it not be better to "live for others?"  I used to try and be dutiful while not taking proper care of me and my health.  Then I found I could not do both.  So I began to take better care of myself, which made me less available time wise for others.  The surprise is that others liked me much better when I took care of me.  Then I gave them quality care and not just an absent presence.  

Seekers

Mystics and entrepreneurs, athletes, goal-setters, are all seekers.  But a mystic is one who receivers, while all the others are ones who achieve.  Achievers have a specific goal in mind that can be measured, quantified, ego-fulfilled, and observed.  A business person can experience a million dollars, the sheer quantity of it.  A mystic cannot be an achiever because the mystic waits and receives.  They cannot do more than wait with patience, hope and love.  At some depth, they experience nothing of which they are aware at that time.  Later, they might say, "Oh wow!"  It is an experience beneath imagination, and thoughts.  But such depth events are life-changing for the better.  You cannot always say that about the achievers.  The mystic does not seek God,  but rather lets go of ego-self, surrenders, and waits.  The Presence does the heavy lifting.  

Whose Will?

 I see some people who say they are Christian, who do all sorts of pious actions, often in their churches.  They light candles, say novenas, pray at statues and holy pictures, and attend mass and benedictions.  This can be all quite good, but their leader, Jesus did not talk much if at all about any of this pious activity.  He did say, “Take up your cross and follow me.”  He was about letting go of his will, loving the unlovable, the “other,” paying attention to those who could neither see nor hear.  He did not live in some protective bubble of ego and comfort.  Personally, I find the novenas a lot easier than following Jesus.  Maybe that is why he seems to have a lot of worshippers but few followers.  

Action

 I used to say, “I need to do this,” or “I don’t need to do this.”  Based on that I act only because I needed to do it for me.  My small world was how any action I did affected me or was in my interest.  Lots of procrastination in such things as cleaning, organizing, attending events, meetings, and such.  Gradually, something began to change with a spiritual path to it.  I began to say, “I may not think I need it, but maybe someone else does.”  So I began to act for the sake of others, even if I did not think I needed it for myself.  If you live with others, the cleaning and organizing might need this new attitude and timely action.  If you are committed to a group for one reason or another, as in regular gatherings, you might attend for their sake.  When I do something for others, I find out that “I really needed to do that for myself as well!”  

A Sign

 Sometimes, I hear a person say, “If there is a God, I want a sign!”  I don’t tend to pray that God will send me a sign to support my belief.  Rather, I pray that I can read the sign.  Learning to read signs, divine or mundane takes practice. You have to work at learning to read.  Many a sign is there, but people don’t want to do the work to recognize the sign.  And they blame the God they doubt.  

The Gym

 The Chapel at this monastery is the gymnasium of the heart for me.  It is where my insides exercise in silent prayer.  Even if someone else is there, it is still a place of solitude for me.  When I go to a physical body gym, I might exercise, stretch for an hour.  Do I exercise my heart center each of those days for an hour?  Someday, my body will be dust and ashes, but I believe that my spirit, that awareness within, will live on.  If so, I want it to live healthy so it can enjoy more eternal life.  Nowadays, when I am feeling out of sorts, not up to good energy, dragging, my body is not the problem.  Something else is being ignored and neglected.  

Ignorance

 Before people come to have a change of life through some program or path or recovery from insane living, they are ignorant.  They did not know the path or how it works.  If people are told about a path but say they don't want it, this is not rebellion.  It is ignorance.  You cannot rebel against what you do not know.  Many people who say they rebel against religion are really ignorant of what it is all about.  They think they know, but it is inadequate knowing from a limited source.  You cannot rebel against recovery if you never tried it.  So I try to keep in mind for myself, when I am "reacting," am I rebelling or just ignorant?  I used to think I was a rebel with a cause.  In time, I discovered I was a guy without a path, a bit clueless.  I cannot reject what I never explore.  I am in the process of "knowing more."

Solitude

 Many people think of solitude as being by yourself, but it is not.  Being by yourself is being alone.  No one else is around.  Being by yourself is not the same as being "with your Self."  Solitude is being with, being in touch with your true inner self, the self of the heart.  This self is part of the original package when you were created, came into being.  It is untouched by group-think, culture, trying to fit in, the ongoing reinventing of yourself for others to see.  The door into the place of this true self is prayer.  Not words or thought prayers, but something more of meditation or resting in a quietness, undisturbed by thoughts, memories, fears and the demands of the imagination.  Whereas the manufactured outer self is at times uncomfortable and disturbing, the truer, inner Self is a place of rest.  Why?  Because it is really You.  And at times a place of discovery.  

Silence

What is silence?  No sound or noise?  In part, but that is only silence to the ears.  Not talking is silence of the tongue.  But the silence I speak about and seek is a silence of the heart.  No inner rumblings or thoughts that await some sound to make themselves known audibly, to the ear of others.  Nature practices this silence of the heart.  Yes, nature has a heart and it speaks especially in silence.  This inner silence is devoid of sounds, but not of life or presence.  I am most one with myself and nature when I hear the silence in my heart.  In cities and big towns there can be so much noise.  You hardly notice nature or even your deeper self.  I hear the silence when I am most still in body and mind.  Some of the best communication is done without words.  Prayer is a matter of listening.  Talking and thinking are most often just distractions.  

Cramming

 You know how important something is by how you fit it into your life.  Is this something, such as a group gathering, a priority in your life or are you trying to cram it into your schedule?  If cramming, the group is not very important, you are probably not getting max benefit from it, not giving much of yourself to it.  But if it is a priority in your life, then you fit your life around this meeting or gathering.  And you probably put a lot of yourself into this group if it is a priority.  You volunteer to do something in and for the group.  You are no longer on the outside, looking in, feeling you don’t really “fit in.”  With zoom you expend a lot less time and energy to “show up” at a meeting.  If you are cramming your zoom time, your life might be a bit more of a mess than it needs to be.  If I work on changing me, my schedule seems to become less problematic.  The priority changes.  

Feeling Badly

 When apologizing to someone, or making an amends, we need to face our bad feelings about the wrong we did.  Do we feel badly because of the harm we did to other person, or because we feel we should have done better behavior, or been a better person.  If we wish we had been better, that is a form of false pride. Plus, we are tepid about the harm done to the other person.  Such an apology is all about oneself feeling better and not facing the fact that we were rather rotten with shortcomings such as selfishness.  The action we did to the other person is in the past.  It cannot be changed though apology is called for.  But our false pride, our avoidance of self, is all in the present.  We make amends not so much to feel better, as to face what mess is still within us that needs attention.