NO Joy

 The reason that we murmur is that we lack love.  There is no joy where there is no love.  If you take a nature walk and hate everything about it, the temperature, the terrain, muddy path, then you have no love of the nature through which you are walking and you end up murmuring.  Why do you murmur, grumble in a group of people?  Probably, a lack of love and so a lack of joy in seeing anything about these people that is positive and worth loving.  I murmur less, the more  I appreciate these men with whom I live.  They become lovable in spite of their imperfections.  Would that no one murmurs about me.  

Be Free

 Know the truth and the truth will set you free.  This is a  famous saying and it is in the bible.  I used to think that truth, answers, the light was out there somewhere and I had to find it.  In part yes, but there was a first step in finding truth.  What?  The truth is that the problem is ME.  As I began to work on this realization, to work on me, and I did not do it alone, I began to see with a new clarity.  All the mess around me, the problem people, and situations, did not seem to be such a problem.  I began to see in a new way, or maybe see things for the first time.  People and situations did not change, but I changed. With that came the realization that the outsides did not need to change.  I let go of wanting things my way, and even of having a way.  I accepted.  I loved.  I appreciated.  I stayed open and thankful for another chance at life.  That is, life on its own terms.  

Pinocchio

 Del Toro’s animated movie, “Pinocchio” is nominated for an Oscar this year.  It is a wonderful movie about Christ, death and resurrection. Del Toro is definitely a spiritual force in the movie business.  Both the puppet Pinocchio and Christ on the cross are made of wood in the movie.  But the wooden Christ on the cross becomes human when the puppet Pinocchio decides to give up immortality in order to become human to save his papa whom he loves.  In saving his papa and a monkey, Pinocchio dies.  As in God becomes human and dies on the cross to get us all out of the belly of whatever whale imprisons us.  They are all washed ashore as in baptismal immersion and the first thing papa says, in his new life, is that he just wants Pinocchio to live and be Pinocchio.  Then the Holy Spirit comes along, in the form of a woman spirit figure and brings Pinocchio back to life, as in Resurrection.  A beautiful movie.  Pinocchio is a Christ figure.  So, what will you give up for someone you love?

Know How

I heard someone say, "I got so mad at someone that I drank at them!" In other words they went out and got drunk.  You might say that is pretty stupid, but wait.  Say that the person who went and got drunk was also an excellent plumber.  You, who are clueless about plumbing, no tools or experience.  You try to fix something in the plumbing area and make a mess.  You do stupid things because you don't have the know how.  The excellent plumber comes along and fixes your problem and then shows you how to do it from their experience.  So don't make fun of the drunk.  Their will power cannot stop drinking anymore than your willpower can fix the plumbing.  Tools and experience are lacking in each of you, be it plumbing or drinking.  There are tools for sobriety, 12 of them, and people who have the experience who can help the drunk.  I don't know how many tools one needs for all the plumbing issues.  But I know where to go and find out.  That is always the first step.  I am powerless over plumbing and my plumbing life is unmanageable at the moment.   

Be Open

I like this saying: "Minds are like parachutes.  They won't work if they are not open."  How true for my mind as we come to the end of another year.  How open have I been to new things, or a deeper meaning in some person, place and situation?  Looking back, I see that I tend to make up my mind, then close off to any more information, intuition, or doubt.  Something is so and that is it.  Then I go into free fall, to crash onto my own rocky opinions.  So I am going to try to stay open.  There are second opinions, options and behavior that will be open to me if I just pull the cord on my closed mind.  I don't like heights!

Mercy

To be truly merciful is not because someone has earned mercy.  then it is not mercy.  Mercy is to deal with a relationship that has gotten way out of wack.  One person has acted in such a way that the relationship is way out of balance.  It is at the tipping point.  The person is not in a position to do anything to bring the relationship back into balance.  They are at a helpless point.  The one who shows mercy is at a hopeful point.  Mercy is to build back the bond that is needed to bring the two people together again.  Some people feel that they are a sucker if they show mercy. They think, it does no good.  Punishment is better.  Even when I have trouble showing mercy, I have a Power that can.  Thank God for my God.   I like the prayer, "Oh God, be merciful to me a sinner." 

The Terms

 Just because I accept life on life's terms does not mean that I will always be happy.  Life has its difficulties.  Now, I try not so much to escape them as to see how I can be of some help in attending to the difficulties.  And if I am powerless to do anything, I can pray, try to do something positive, ask how someone else is doing today.  In other words, get out of myself, self-pity, glumness, or doing something stupid.  All of which would make difficulties even more difficult.  Life on my terms is a slippery slope.  

The Illusions

 Do I want truth about myself, or do I want illusory bliss of my own invention?  I am weak and so sometimes, ok daily, at some moments, I don't want the truth about myself, that I have faults, that I may be the problem and not the solution.  So I go off into illusory bliss in which I am a super person of great success, perfection, always right, a winner, the focus of attention in the world around me.  Of course it is not the real me, but it does pass time pleasantly.  Growing up is not easy, especially if you did not do it when you were supposed to be growing up, like when you were a teenager or young adult.  I was young, once. The adult part was way delayed.  At times, being an adult still escapes me. It can be an elusive state.  But the God of my understanding lives in the real.  So if I live in the illusory, I cannot connect with this spiritual power.  I pray each morning to live in the truth.  I cannot work on my imperfections if I avoid reality.  

The Embers

 I have periods of time when I am "breathing on the embers" to inflame something.  Like what?  Try resentment.  It may start out as a little spark, but then I give it attention.  I breathe on it to inflame the resentment.  I am "fired up" now and want to get justice, my way, their change, set them straight, and so on.  Sometimes, it starts out as a fiery resentment, filled with energy, but I catch hold of the waters in spiritual practice and douse the flame.  But it smolders.  I only took half-measures to be rid of the flame of resentment.  In time, I will breathe on it, attend to the spark and then the fire comes back.  I am full of resentment.  Are you this imperfect too?  I have friends who remind me of a better solution.  They are my fire department.  I call upon them.  I think my God likes me working with others.  Alone, my life is too hot.  

Surrender

 I am supposed to surrender to God, a Higher Power, the Ultimate Reality, the Divine Energy.  But I cannot seem to do it.  Surrender is to give all.  No holding back.  I seem to want to "sub-let" parts of myself just for me.  A little selfishness, a little possessiveness, a little ignoring of something that needs doing, or a person in need of help, and so on.  I am not completely selfish and self-centered, or bonded to a false self.  I have my good moments, but certainly not "abandon myself" to God.  So at night if you do an examination of conscience, or 10th step, ask yourself what you sub-let today just for you, and what did it get you?  Whenever I do this self-examination, I most often find that surrender would have been the better way.  And so we trudge.  

Dictation

My sister Maureen trained to be a private secretary.  She learned shorthand.  Her executive boss would call her into his office and dictate to her a letter or memo.  Maureen would do shorthand to get the wording.  Longhand she would not be able to keep up with the spoken word of her boss.  He, and it was a he, did not care what Maureen thought about what he said.  He did not seek her opinion.  She had no say in the content.  She took dictation.  She obeyed.  Today, a lot of religious authority figures want the laity to simply take dictation.  They are not interested in what the laity think, nor do they want input, or opinion.  Just obey.  I am not very good at taking "dictation" in this way.  No say? No obey.  I may burn.   

Faith And Belief

When I was an altar boy in the Bronx, I would look at the host as the priest raised it above his head.  I had a sense that there was more here than just a round wafer.  As I grew up I began to realize here and there that there was "more" than what my eyes  could see, or my hands could feel, or my ears could hear.  This is "faith."  Belief is something else.  There is the belief in "Real Presence" in the host held up.  But if it does not get beyond a mental assent, as to a truth of dogma, then it won't have much affect on your daily life.  I know many people who have correct belief in rules, doctrine, rituals, but none of this seems to affect their self-centeredness, gossiping, judgmental attitudes, prejudices and addictions.  I would rather have faith in the "more" of events, simple and complex in my life, than belief in something that smugly makes me think I am right.   

The Mail

 If you are going to get mail brought to you in your post box, you need two things to happen.  Someone has to carry it, and then has to deliver it.  Not much good if the person gathers up your mail but keeps it.  It would be like the delivery person letting your mail sit in a basket or the back of the truck.  So it is in recovery work.  Someone brings the message.  But God does the delivery.  In preaching, I carry the message, but I have no guarantee that it will get into the person, that they will receive it.  My job is to bring the message, the mail of Good News, the Program of Recovery.  God delivers.  So I write this blog and it goes out over the internet.  Who receives it is not for me to say.  God is at work.  I can only hope.  

Ceaselessly

 Praying ceaselessly does not mean we sit and pray all the time, as if prayer is something separate from the rest of our day.  You can combine work and prayer.  How?  For instance, a recovering addict might be going about doing something they did not do when in their addiction.  They recall that it is only the grace of God that allows them to do this work.  So they are working and praying at the same time.  I go for a walk on a beautiful, sun-filled sky morning, 5 degrees, and realize that I did not make this beautiful morning.  I am enjoying my bundled up walk, praising the One who gave me this day.  Walk and pray.  Your car starts.  You have light traffic.  Roads are plowed.  Or you are in Florida, almost heaven, and you say, "Thank you."  Prayer amidst your tasks.  Is Florida really almost heaven in winter?  

Comfort Zone

 Many senior men get into a comfort zone, or bubble.  They don't want change.  God could come to them, an angel messenger, and say to the man, "You are going to get something you have wanted all your life!"  The senior man would probably say, "Rather not."  Recall Scrooge in Dickens' "A Christmas Carol."  He was offered a different life, a better one, but it would mean change and effort.  He would rather live in his known misery.  Zechariah, in the Gospel of Luke was told he would finally have a son he had wanted his whole long marriage.  Zechariah would rather not.  Old monks like their routines.  Routines have a place, but not when they get in the way of the "better" way.  I am a senior man, and have to watch for this.  "Comfort" is not a goal, but a way station to ongoing growth.  

Work

 What I do may not in itself make me holy.  The work itself, is well, work.  But my attitude, what I bring to the work may make the work holy.  It has to do with attitude.  Say you are taking care of an elderly person, or a friend or a child/baby.  You think, "Oh, I am doing good  work and it will make me better/holy."  Maybe.  What is your attitude?  If you are resentful, manipulating to get your way, or hurry to complete the work, your mind on what is next, you and the person you are helping are not much better off.  Attitude, selflessness, care for how you do something all have to do with making you a better person.  You can be the garbage pickup person, mail deliverer, and an attitude of loving service will make you better.  It is how you do it and not just what you do that makes the difference.  Then the work becomes holy too  

Heaven

What is heaven?  Where is it?  If you focus on those questions, at best, you will come up with some information to fill your brain, but not your soul.  And it will not change you for the better.  I like what someone said, "Heaven is the completion of my full humanity."  Again, become myself, as I am created to be, rather than someone else, or a disguise of myself.  The becoming myself is not about the separate me, the individualism of our day.  It is not about my "rights" to do as I please.  We have too many human flaws to be that free.  Growth has within it a response to obedience to someone or something.  It must be obedience that has my best interest, my growth at heart.  It might be a parent, an Abbot/Abbess in a monastery, a teacher or mentor or sponsor.  It may not be your boss in a job.  I don't know that we ever fully become oneself in this life, but we can have glimpses of it here.  Call it "Almost Heaven."  Who sang that song?   

Meaning

 So you wrestle with the question, “Does God exist?”  Say you come down on the side of “Yes.”  You think you are finished with the question?  Your answer did nothing to change you, your view, your way of life, or understanding of God.  The important issue is “Meaning.”  What does the existence of God mean to you?  You might wrestle with the question of why God does exist, and how does God exist.  As one philosopher said, “What does it mean for God to exist?” Lots of stuff here.  So the whole aspect of you and God is meant to change you somehow in your reflections of the above questions.  The Yes of God’s existence is only the beginning.  Lots of people believe in the existence of God but it matters little in the meaning of their daily life.  “Meaning” takes reflection, which is hard work and done with some silence and solitude, and some interaction with others.  

Absurd

 Humility is love amidst our absurdities.  We may be perplexed that we are trying to love, be kind, caring, forgiving, helpful, and yet absurdities act up in our life, seemingly out of the blue.  We say, “I will no longe be absurd,” and then we are, as if it is like a tick that we cannot control.  If we act absurd, but don’t know it or care, then there will be no humility.  We think we are fine, and the world around us is messed up.  Such a person will then say they are loving when in fact they are merely trying to correct others, fix others, change others, or just resent that their love makes no difference in the world around them.  Absurdities may crop up from time to time in the humble person, but it is what keeps them humble.  Humility is the door that opens to holiness, transformation.  

No Explaining

 When Mary got pregnant by the Holy Spirit, she did not explain it to Joseph.  I mean, what is there to say?  Is it not the same with faith?  Suddenly you have it.  What explanation can you give?  Faith is not earned.  It is not as if you can do some steps and voila, you believe!  Faith is sudden.  You surrender and accept it.  Then go on loving even though your life may continue with its absurdities at times, mistakes and irritations.  Faith is not about perfection.  That is he realm of the ego.  A Christian faith is really being impregnated within by the power of Christ Risen.  He lives within you.  I could never explain that.  I am thankful for the Josephs in my life who accept it, even if they don’t understand it.  Acceptance is a way that I can live out my faith with others, on their journey, which may not be exactly mine.  

Something Crazy

 I stand up for something crazy.  I reside in a monastery for the sake of some silence and solitude.  It is a remote place.  People who are not like me, think it is crazy, of course.  Why don’t I live and act more like, well, them?  Because I am not them.  I am me.  Maybe you might think about standing up for something others think is crazy.  But it might be just right for you.  You will know they think it is crazy because they will say, “Oh, that’s crazy.”  Those will be your friends.  Others will decide to keep their distance lest they catch your crazy.  But if we each stand up for what if thought crazy by others, we might have a very interesting mix of unique people true to themself.  And that is not crazy.  

Aloneness

Each of us has an aloneness as part of ourself.  Some try to escape it with mind altering stuff, or try to “get somewhere” as in a better or different life, with “more” of something not clear.  Others though, embrace the aloneness and probe it for some deeper meaning.  Instead of seeking more, they let go of the self they have been manufacturing as a “fitting-in” to whatever.  I used to escape aloneness, thinking it was loneliness.  But the the light went on.  I try to keep a clear mind, clear of substances that might alter reality, and clear of passing thoughts, anxieties, fears, and even second-guessing.  Wait.  Be patient.  Be still. Look in.  See.  

Your Voice

 Everyone who pursues their art must find their own voice.  The writer, painter, actor, monk.  At first, or early on, they will follow the voice of someone they admire, or read about, or meet.  This is imitation, but it will not satisfy since it is not their own voice but that of someone else’s.  So it is with me.  I read about someone or meet someone who is practicing the contemplative life of silence and solitude, aloneness, and I try and practice as they do or did.  But God wants me to be me, not someone else.  I will not arrive at my depth, the God-home, until I discover my truer self, without imitation.  I can have guides, methods, structure, but these are to help keep me on the path, or bring me back when I drift.  I am in this monastery, for now, seeking my voice in the silence.  

Sticks And Logs

 Sometimes my prayer is like sticks in a fireplace.  Such prayer burns bright and easily, like sticks to a flame, but soon that light and warmth go out.  It is a prayer that is lit by emotions and imagination.  It won’t sustain for long.  Deeper prayer that sustains me, is like logs in a fire.  It takes times and patience to allow those logs to catch.  The imagination and emotions help, but only for starters.  Such prayer starters burns away easily if I let go of a focus on them.  The deeper prayer takes a bit of time and hope.  But when it catches in my soul it will burn bright in the darkness and give me warmth to carry me hours through the day.  

Hermitage

 Don’t try and build your own heritage.  I let God build it.  If I build it to my liking, it will be for my comfort, from what I know now.  But the journey is not about comfort, so much as about change.  And I won’t change if left to my own preferences.  Yes, I have some method, some place where I go to be quiet, but I do not yet know the silence and solitude of God.  I only know what pleases me in the beginning.  And the beginning can go a long time.  But if I say open, let God build the hermitage, then there will be moments when I am not so much looking for MY solitude and silence, but it suddenly shows up in a most profound way.  And I say, “OH!  Here I am God.”

My Way

Wanting things to go my way is like being on a two lane road driving in one direction, in my lane.  Someone comes along from the opposite direction and passes by in their lane.  I think, “Why are they not going my way?”  Because they are going in a different direction, to a different destination.  They are not on my path, but their path and they cannot get there by following me.  So I stop wanting all things to go in my direction, my way.  My way is for me.  Let that be it.  

Backpack

 I go on a spiritual journey for self-discovery and a take along what I think I will need, like one does with a backpack when going into a wilderness.  As I go along, I find that my backpack of spiritual stuff, my thoughts, wisdom, learning from books and life experiences are now becoming a burden into the desert.  So I begin to empty out the pack of support.  I let go of pre-notions, my ideas, my wisdom and just try to be in the lightness of the moment, the self-emptying moment barren of thoughts, and imaginations, and plans of how this journey is to go.  The God of the Universe seems to prefer space for making things new.  My mind pays no attention to the bright stars of past success, or the explosions of past failures.  I stop walking and be.  The journey begins now.  

A Good One

 I like my blog today.  Just what I need.  I will try to act with love for these senior monks.  I will be 80 in a few months, so I guess I am senior too!  Egads. Someone love on me.  

Thankless

 I ask myself, why are you being helpful?  Am I doing something so I will be praised? Rewarded by another?  Recognized as important?  Or because I judge others as too useless to do anything for themselves?  If any of these are reasons for being helpful, I will be quite unhappy, at least.  NO, I must do things of a helpful nature out of love.  People I help may be selfish, self-imploded, depressed, lazy, spoiled, or incompetent.  Are we not all imperfect in some way?  So I must do good for others out of love.  Will it change them?  That is not my job.  It will change me if I act out of love.  I am the only one I can work on, and even this needs a lot of outside, or inside help.  

Demon

 I just finished reading Barbara Kingsolver's "Demon Copperhead."  Lately, I am reading novels about Appalachia, its culture, people, suffering and beauty.  I really got into it.  I told God that I had to drop the prayers fo awhile, the getting holy, and all, because I was reading this novel, 540+ pages.  And Knoxville, TN is in there, where I lived for eight years.  Anyway, I cried at the end, and not before.  I am an ocean guy.  And sometimes the best love is the surprise right in front of your clueless life.  The ocean is my home, but for now I belong here in these mountains, letting go of a life and finding one that has always been inside me, and around me.  Demon Copperhead had to step away in order to see all the beauty that was right there in the mountains and in one young lady.  Opioids, big business mining companies, foster care and a lot of dying are all there.  But there is Recovery.  Redemption.  Resurrection.  

The Pious And The Lost

 Most retreatants who come here lean to the pious side, it seems to me. They have a regular spiritual practice and want a booster.  I prefer the desperately lost, but they generally don't think of a monastery retreat as a help.  I would prefer to listen to the lost, their story, their desperate  need for some clarity, peace and joy.  My reading of the Gospels says that God, in Jesus, came to "save the lost."  That is what brought me back to religion.  I wonder if the pious have quite the gratitude for the grace they have, as one who is lost and gets found.  The monastery is the place where I seem to get found and stay found.  I used to think I was pious, but came to find that I was merely delusional, or mediocre on better days.  Staying found is hard work for people like me.  But the best life is always worth the price.  

The Stray

 I often write for those persons who don't quite fit in, the lost sheep.  They may or may not be lost to themselves, but they are not fitting into the herd.  They function, live, or stray beyond the normal structures.  They often don't fit corporate structures, rules of church institutions, or mall shoppers.  In a way, I am one of them, living as I do in a remote mountain monastery.  We are odd types.  It is why I like Jesus.  He went after the lost sheep.  His Kingdom was kind of upside-down.  But somehow over the centuries he got fitted into institutional structures.  But he was crucified by these same structures, political and religious.  So if you feel no one understands you, or cares if you go missing from the herd, you might like the gospels.  Try Mark.  It is the shortest.  Or Matthew which I am reading a lot this 2023 year.  Somehow, along the way, I got a little broken.  Jesus came for people like this, broken.  

Decisions

Every decision I make or made in my life changed how things were for others.  We are interconnected.  I look back and think that I made a wrong decision or say, "What if?"  But if I had made a different decision than the lives of others would be different.  Instead of saying "I should have done this instead of that," I realize the "this" that I did effected the lives of lots of persons.  Had I chosen "that" I would not have even met those people or lived in that place or done that work.  Example: I was a terrible seminarian and barely got ordained.  I was not going to get a plum assignment. They sent me to the outback of Aldine, Texas.  It turned out to be  the best thing for me.  I was a terrible student at Columbia MBA school.  Almost last in my class.  Got one good job offer, to Chicago.  My girlfriend on the East Coast dumped me.  I took the job in Chicago to get away.  There I met the Paulists.  I am still being carried along by a power greater than myself.  Don't discount the life you are living.  Just live it.  Be kind.  The novel, The Midnight Library  It is a good one.