Surrender

 I am supposed to surrender to God, a Higher Power, the Ultimate Reality, the Divine Energy.  But I cannot seem to do it.  Surrender is to give all.  No holding back.  I seem to want to "sub-let" parts of myself just for me.  A little selfishness, a little possessiveness, a little ignoring of something that needs doing, or a person in need of help, and so on.  I am not completely selfish and self-centered, or bonded to a false self.  I have my good moments, but certainly not "abandon myself" to God.  So at night if you do an examination of conscience, or 10th step, ask yourself what you sub-let today just for you, and what did it get you?  Whenever I do this self-examination, I most often find that surrender would have been the better way.  And so we trudge.