The Between

 I often hear people say, “Between God and me or God and the soul.”  This is an image of two persons with a between.  But God is not a person, nor is a Higher Power a person.  As Julian of Norwich says, “between God and the soul, there is no between.”  All is One.  Too often our spiritual practice is done “remotely.”  God is always present, always coming.  It is ourself who is absent from the scene of prayer.  We feel absence or distance.  We blame God when in fact it is us who don’t show up.  We at that moment are not showing up to ourself, our true self.  Fears and fantasies can fill the space we have tried to create.  Stay in the present and not the past or future.  Don’t get too far ahead into next year without getting into the next or present moment.  

Disaster

 Why do things seem like they will be a disaster unless we get them done?  Why do we busy ourself so much?  Anxious and afraid with a little resentment at the itinerary?  One reason is that the busy adult, the bustling veneer, as someone calls it, really is hiding beneath itself the frightened child.  I try to keep aware of this possibility in myself whenever I get crazed at something that later, seems like no big deal.  The crazed motif is my moment of insanity.  My sanity comes when I right-size the situation.  Insanity is my drama time.  Sanity comes with climbing out or being pulled up and out of my drama in which I have buried myself.  So as I approach the end of this calendar year, I ask myself, in this short life, how important was all the stuff I made so important and in need of immediate fixing?  How many times did I waste in the “poor me” mode?  I hope for a better 2025.  It will be better if I try NOT to do it alone.  

A Child’s Feast

Why do so many people get involved in church at Christmas but not other times of the year?  Because Christmas is a child’s feast.  Not so much Good Friday or Pentecost.  If a child grows up with Christmas being made special then it is more likely that they will keep this childhood memory alive just as it was made alive for them as children.  If there was a tree and presents under a tree, then they will pass on this tradition.  It is not so much about consumerism as about the importance of giving a child good memories of love.  Christmas is an example.  You might create other examples or replay for children examples shown to you when you were a child.  I find that those who have had no good Christmas memories tend to do nothing much at Christmas for themselves or others.  So find various ways to give a child good memories during the year, be it birthdays, name days, or “special” event.  Spring Cleaning was never a good memory.   

Amends

I know a lot of people who say they are sorry, and sometimes I am one of them.  We think we are making “amends.”  But amends does not mean “sorry.”  It means change.  When you mend something, you change it from being broken, torn and problematic.  To say I am sorry for being broken does not mend anything.  It might deal with shame and guilt, but not change.  People in my religion go to confession but they don’t change.  It just makes them feel better to say they are sorry.  You don’t change without a plan of action.  Amends is about action and not just words.  If I get upset and anxious about the same things over and over, then I have no plan.  So what is your plan for today? 

By Chance

When someone, even an atheist, says that something happened by luck or by chance, it is not just a lucky break, a chance happening or even a coincidence.  It is God, The Higher Power, that is acting anonymously in their life.  Since God does not mind being anonymous, not recognized, why should we when doing something good for another person or group?  Maybe we need a new group called “Esteem Anonymous” for all those people who are addicted to getting lots of recognition and spotlight for their “good works.” 

The Last Ditch

 Too often, trust for me comes as the “Last Ditch.”  I have tried everything else to get what I want, to get my way, to be in control, to make determination my energy fuel.  Behind all this is “worry” that things are going to go terribly sideways and beyond my control.  I clinch my jaw and push on.  All fails at results I sought.  I come to the last ditch, trust.  Obviously, I am not a trustful person at least in God or any Higher Power than myself.  But trust is all I have left.  I feel diseased in trust, but feelings are not necessary to trust.  I just say, “God I trust.”  Then I try and relax.  I mean what else is there to do?  If  I would trust more, or more readily, it would come easier, like other things that I do over again.  I am a work in progress?  Hope.  And maybe call a trust coach.  

Merry Christmas

 I hope you do have a Merry Christmas today.  But I do know places where I can find people who are quite alone, bereft and anything but merry.  Go to a bar around midday or even late morning in some places.  Or go to a morning AA meeting.  Sure there will be people who are checking in before going off to have a sober meal with family and/or friends.  But there are some for whom this meeting is about the only time they will interact with anyone and they too prefer not to drink, at least this day.  I remember a Christmas night when I had no place to go and ended up working at a restaurant into the late hours washing the restaurant and kitchen floor after closing.  So today, I will look into the dark corners of church to see someone alone and tell them I am glad they are here.  Thank them for coming and making it a better Christmas for me.  I never want to forget my past both the good and not so good Christmas times.  

Christmas Eve

 Lots of us are happy this day and into the night.  It is Christmas Eve.  New baby.  Happy  Shepherds.  Mom and Dad beaming.  Angels singing good music.  And the churches go all out to decorate.  But beneath all this glitz and joy, I recall the image in my religious tradition of the heart surrounded by thorns.  Love can hurt and does hurt.  Mary and Joseph are outsiders in the suburbs of Jerusalem, Bethlehem.  They are like hicks from Nazareth, red necks, think the hollars of Appalachia.  They are in untidy and unsanitary conditions in a barn with animals.  No nice comfy bed for the baby or themselves.  And they will be on the run soon after because the word got back to the rulers that someone special was born.  And the rulers don’t control this someone.  So, I enjoy this Christmas Eve but always try to keep in the background, Good Friday.  Why?  So that I will be loving when the thorny time comes and I am not so happy.  Love isn’t all about me.  

The Voice

 God speaks me.  My coming into the world as a human being is God speaking me into life on this planet, as flesh and blood.  So why do I speak stupid things?  I speak resentment, fear, selfishness, anxiety, and criticism.  I do this because I do not or did not meditate and read helpful literature from wisdom figures.  I speak my voice when I am too separated from God.  I have faith, but not union.  My belief does not go deep enough for change.  So I meditate to hear the voice of God or at least to speak that voice which really is the voice I am meant to have when I am my best, created self.  It is the voice of my blogs, I hope.  

Consumerism

 You are exhausted from shopping or maybe you just love to shop and find sales, or not.  Well, as we look to the dawn of Christmas let’s look at consumerism.  It is not the same as buying something you need.  That is not an addiction.  Consumerism is about physical enjoyment as your only destiny.  It is about chasing happiness and fulfillment by buying yet one more thing, or opening that package/box from Amazon or whoever shipped it to you.  When you buy something you need you actually enjoy it for a while.  Food is enjoyed.  Those pair of shoes for winter weather that you needed are enjoyed all winter.  You know that consumerism is your addiction when you buy something and the joy is but for the moment.  Then it passes and you need to buy something else to get that joy back.  Alcoholics know this feeling.  

The Tardy Blogger

 So what happened to the blog today, Saturday, December 21?  Well, last night the Fordham Club of Northern California had a dinner that did not really get going until 8:00 PM at a restaurant about 15:00 walk for me in San Francisco.  I am usually in bed by 8:00 PM so as to blog early in the pre-dawn.  I was still sitting at the restaurant chatting, at 10:00 PM, after having eaten the bestest pork chops and chocolate cake.  I did not get to bed until 11:30 and did not sleep all that well.  Then when I finally got up at 7:30 AM it was going to rain so I rushed out for my power walk to deal with all the sugar and red meat eaten last night.  Then got the idea, that, being rainy, I would bake for the brothers and parishioners.  Bread, muffins, cake, and then shower and start laundry.  Then I remembered, “Oh! The blog.”  So I published it at 3:30 PM San Francisco time.  But I had fun!  And everyone is happy here.  

Walking Alone

 When I was in Boulder, Colorado in the late Spring, Summer and early Fall, the weather was just right for an evening walk down to the Pearl Street Mall.  I would walk alone looking here and there at people, storefronts and foliage.  What I noticed is that rarely was there a woman doing the same thing.  One of the reasons, and many women know this, is that it is simply not safe, or at least not as safe as me walking alone.  There might be a woman going from one place to another, on a mission, shopping, getting something done, performing a task.  But not just meandering along in curiosity about their world around them.  Too many men see women not so much as individuals, persons, as objects to satisfy something in the man.  In such a culture, women are made for men, and not to be themselves.  I ask myself how many girls are taught to find a man than to find themselves.  To be taught to not find yourself is to be taught “non-existence.”  

Sabbath People

Meditation makes me a Holy Saturday person.  Or I have to be a Holy Saturday person each day to allow myself to be drawn into the depth of meditation.  Why?  I need to be in silence, stillness, like one dead, empty of my personal, self-centered agenda with all its character defects.  And I wait for the God who does not seem to be anywhere.  For a Christian like me, this would be Holy Saturday.  God is dead, gone, but wait.  Yes, wait.  In silence and solitude.  Buried in wordless and thoughtless prayer.  At least thoughts of what I want to “get.”  So, while you are all getting ready to celebrate Christmas, keep the balance.  Busy shopping, parties, feasts, family and friend reunions are all very busy.  I will try to remember I am a Holy Saturday person as well.  Keep a balance.  

Liquid Living

The life of an alcoholic is “Liquid Living.”  Their life requires alcohol.  They cannot go long without it so they are liquid living persons.  Maybe they don’t have it everyday, at least in the beginnings, but eventually, should they live long enough, it becomes daily.  You feel sorry for them?  Well, at least they know what they need even if it is killing them.  How about you religious believers who belong to some religion, say Christian.  Baptism says you are a Christian.  But if you can go long periods of time without needing Christian things are you really “Christian Living?”  At least the alcoholic knows what they need and they have a  recovery program, steps, fellowship that can help them to a better life beyond liquid living.  What has the Christian who ignores their Bible, their Big Book, the sacraments for many types of Christians save Christmas and Easter?  Baptism without living like a Christian can be deadly.  It is the same with whatever makes you call yourself a Hindu, Buddhist, Jew, or Muslim.  So many “believers”need recovery programs, but don’t know it and die a sad death, unfulfilled.  And they don’t take their stuff with them.  

Dismal Outlook

 When you are looking ahead and the future seems dismal, it may mean that you are paying too much attention to yourself.  You are not thinking, for instance, of what you could do for others, or how could you improve life around you, or what good can you add to the lives of those you will see today.  Dismal futures are about thinking too much of oneself.  You say, “No, I am thinking of how miserable it is for another person.”  Well, a lot of people are miserable but it does not bother you.  When it does bother you it is about your peace of mind too.  So when you think of a dismal future for you or for others, try to see what you can do to make life more positive.  Visit the sick, or write a letter.  Call on the phone and listen.  Don’t leave a message.  They may not return your call.  Call until you can talk to the person.  Takes a lot of time away from thinking about yourself.  

Bubbles

 Why does a child reach up to grab at a bubble floating around in the air?  Because they think there is something inside.  But when they touch the bubble it bursts and there is nothing left of it.  Nothing inside.  So the child goes for another bubble.  Over and over.  At some point the child might just like breaking bubbles.  Lots of the things we do and reach for are rather empty but we go for them time and again.  How many of the same thing do you need to buy?  At some point the purchases fill up nothing but space in your life.  So when I am shopping, I have to ask myself, “Am I chasing bubbles?”  And for the Alcoholic, the next drink is just a bubble.  

Choice Or Change

 A lot of people choose a religion or belief system because they think it is the correct one, all others being degrees of incorrectness.  Its importance is the truth of what it professes to be so. But often the choice is not supposed to be about right versus false or off center, but about surrender and transformation.  Often there is the least surrender of one’s will, one’s wants, by those who profess to be right.  I am not so interested or fascinated by someone saying that they are a Buddhist or belong to AA, as in how this choice has led to surrendering their ego-centeredness.  It is what one does and not what one believes that makes the big difference.  

Sacraments

 The church has what it calls “Sacraments.”  These sacraments both reveal and conceal.  On the one hand they reveal to the believer that God is present in the host, the white round wafer, that is received at mass.  But catechisms, and dogma can only reveal.  There is more to a sacrament than what dogma can reveal which is why the host, when consumed, needs us to rest quietly with what we have just done.  A Sacrament requires us to meditate in silence and stillness to allow what is concealed to be slowly revealed, over time, God’s time.  And what is revealed will ultimately change us for the better.  It works the same way to some extent in recovery.  The Big Book reveals a lot about alcoholism and the person.  But if there is no meditation on the steps, the recovery process, one is often left with information and not transformation.  Going to a meeting downstairs or church upstairs and then leaving right after to “get on with your life” won’t make the necessary change that we all need to be our best self.  You need the quiet time if not there than sometime that day.  

Choice

 Once you have lost the power of choice you need a spiritual practice, to include a power you did not have, to get onto the correct path.  You over eat or eat the wrong stuff and it becomes a habit you cannot break.  What now?  Find spiritual help as in someone(s) who have found a way to break the habit, and/or a spiritual power of some sort.  For some, this would be God or a Higher Power.  But even if you break the habit, or lose the interest in food as you once had, the habit does not die.  It goes away, and waits.  Sneaky, yes.  Bad habits want to kill us, and make us miserable on the way out.  So just give up the spiritual solution practice on a daily basis and the bad habits will take over again and well, just don’t give up the daily practice.  That means every day daily.  

Outsides

 It seems to me that I have made a decision to be happy or miserable depending upon what happens on the outside.  Cold, windy day, then I am going to be unhappy.  Medical insurance issues not working out as I planned or want?  Miserable day.  Sore hip?  Miserable days.  And so it goes.  Lots of miserable days because I cannot seem to control the outside to get what I want.  But what if?  If what?  What if my day depends on my response to what happens on the outsides?  Oh, I did not think of that.  Must be a higher power or something gave me this notion.  Or someone who is really on a spiritual path and not a fantasy path.  I cannot control what happens so much of the time, if ever.  Stuff happens.  But I do have some control as to how I respond to life coming upon me.  So I try to see today as a gift rather than another cross to endure in the never ending effort to get my way.  Trudging. 

Hunger

 Hunger does not feed us, right?  It tells us that we are empty and need to eat something.  But not always.  Sometimes hunger does feed us. Hunger feeds the heart when it knows suddenly, that it is in need of something that it cannot fill by any other means than waiting.  Meditation/prayer is the food for the soul and we cannot go to get it from a store or cupboard or refrigerator.  We must wait and feed on this hunger until a Fullness comes to satiate the heart.  The hunger of the heart awakens us, calls us back to the road of Fullness.  What emptied us?  Detours.  

On Hold

 It seems very annoying to be “put on hold” when we are trying to get something done with one agency or another.  I have a land line in my room, so if I am going to try to work with some agency on an issue I usually call on the land line on speaker. Then I can use my cell phone for something else or walk around the room or do whatever for the many minutes that I am on hold. But prayer is a lot like being put on hold.  God does not seem to give an instant response.  “Are you still there God?”  I feel some early connection as I move into my prayer and then…what?  I am on hold.  But don’t do something else.  Just wait patiently, longingly.  God is at work.  God seems anything but quick in my prayer.  So in this age of instant communication on smartphones, I have to wait on God in the time and true old fashion way, God’s way.  The spiritual life is not connected with the internet.  

My Address

 If you are wanting to contact me by mail this Christmas, my address is

Old St. Mary’s Church, 660 California Street, San Francisco, CA 94108

Stability

 What is stable in our prayer life is not our interior state.  One day it is fine and the next we feel a mess, chaos, darkness, futility.  No, what is sable is our commitment.  So many of us give up a prayer practice because the insides seem uncontrollable and so fluid in ups and downs.  But what is up, is often simply feelings.  They come and go, but God does not come and go.  God shows up and is always present but under different aspects.  We don’t control God but we can control our commitment to pray.  That is our stability.  And that commitment requires some discipline in our daily life.  Don’t leave a daily commitment to chance or whim.  If it is not central, it will fall away because the results are so fluid.  I don’t wait until I want to pray.  That would be a disaster.  

the Desire To Change

 A lot of people say that AA is for Alcoholics, but that is not quite accurate.  AA if for people who want to stop drinking.  So it is an action program on a daily basis, since that is the way many of them drank.  It is not about having a title, an identity, “Alcoholic.”  I meet a lot of people who do have a title but have no action. A person says, “I am a Catholic.”  But their ‘actions” seem no different from someone who does not have that title.  You get baptized and now you are a “Christian.”  But then no action.  I am not much for religion or recovery that is without action.  Since I tend to be a forgetter or one who lives on yesterday’s action, I need to be vigilant on a daily basis.  Saying, “I am a priest,” but no action is pitiful.  

Immaculate Conception

 Today is the Feast of the Immaculate Conception.  What is that? Well, it is about God beginning surprising plans in little, out of the way, secret places and ways.  It is an event in life, that no one knows about but God.  It seems to be the way God works out divine plans for each of us.  I have come across many a sober addict who upon reflection can recall that their journey to recovery began in some very small, almost unnoticed way.  It got buried in their unconscious until one day it popped up and they began to stop the addictive ways of life.  My desire to be a priest was planted in a small daily activity when I was a kid.  It took me almost 30 years to respond.  God does not give up.  Maybe the journey with your spouse, your great love, began with a glance, a simple look, an everyday event that in time awoke you to love.  Happy Feast Day Mary!  

Burial

 It is not really all that important where I get buried, just as long as I am buried somewhere.  I don’t want to be idolized or kept on someone’s table top.  It is just ashes of what was.  What is important is that God can find me.  Since God is everywhere, then God can find me.  I like that the Catholic Church in its mass has a prayer that all the dead be remembered, not so much by us as by God.  I believe that God finds me right after my last breath. If God wants the ashes or bones or whatever, then that is fine.  I don’t need body parts.  I need relationship.  I try to remember that when I am sitting alive in meditation, I am not at the gym for my body, but working on inner parts that do not go to dust when I die.  

Life In Ruins

 I always send out a flyer to a person, my friend Mary, who notifies a huge list of people who come to my teachings in Boulder, Colorado or who go online with zoom.  I teach tomorrow, December 7.  I just found out that I forgot to send my friend Mary the flyer months ago.  I was sitting here preparing my reflections, looking forward to being of service and help to many others.  Well, now my life is in ruins.  I will show up and be with the people preparing terrific treats and coffee, my friend Phil who records and zooms the talk, and me.  To make it worse I won’t even make plane fare back to San Francisco.  Is this God telling me I am done, washed up, over the hill?  My last talk ever?  Well, I will go to the Nutcracker ballet tonight in Denver and try to put this behind me for a few hours.  But check your email lately and at least see what you are missing.  I will be missing you.  

Winner and Loser

 Some countries have elections.  When there are two candidates, each quite popular, but very different,  lots of people tend to vote.  One candidate wins and all their voters are happy.  The loser voters tend to be very unhappy, with maybe some hope for things to be not so bad.  Whatever.  Within a year, the winner is more unpopular than when the election was decided.  Why?  Well, the voters who “won” voted because they thought happiness was in material things.  Material things did not materialize as expected.  So whether my candidate wins or loses, I tend to wake up each day with gratitude for what I do have, much of which is not material.  And then I try to see how I can keep this body in fit spiritual and physical condition to be of help to others, regardless of who they voted for in any election.  I don’t vote for any miracles.  The miracle worker I believe in got crucified and would have won no elections with his program for happiness.  

A Memorable Prayer

 Now I lay me down to sleep,

I pray the Lord my soul to keep, 

And should I die before I wake,

I pray the Lord my soul to take.  

We teach this prayer to children at night before they go to sleep.  It is filled with trust, the awareness that this life will end as we know it, and  hope.  Children sleep fine with this prayer.  It does not ask for everything, but for something important.  We teach connectivity to the child.  Then we grow up and forget it all.  Maybe we start the journey back to God with just such a prayer.  Try it and get on your knees if you can still do that.  For me, getting down is easier than getting up.  

Up Close

 Why are religious people so busy and active in trying to find God or make God present?  God is everywhere.  Nirvana, the Kingdom, is in our midst, not far away.  We searchers might be far away but the kingdom is not.  Some build and finance beautiful worship spaces and I do enjoy such places but I must beware that my God is not bound by the walls of these physical places.  The buildings don’t make God especially present any more than does a mountain top or Fall trees.  But we feel the presence more in some spaces and places because of their physicality.  But maybe God is hiding in places and situations where we least expect.  The struggle is not so much between belief and non-belief as it is in awareness and cluelessness.  

Little Power

 Sometimes I pursue and seek “A Lower Power.”  A lower power might help me to get what I want, to be filled rather than empty to be satiated and full.  With what?  With all the things I think I want that will make me feel problems free.  If I have insurance medical issues I want my little power to fix it so that I will feel better.  Control, relaxed, no worries.  I pray to my lower power to come and fix my life and I give this power the tools.  But I find that I am not particularly changed from the better by my lower power being at work.  I am still all about me and my issues, my comforts, my sense of control, and esteem.  Now if I would seek a Higher Power, then I would have to surrender, say “Thy will, not mine, be done.”  I would have to trust and even follow directions from this power.  I may not get what I self-focused want, but I might get what I need.  

Unknowable

 You have God issues?  You don’t understand, or you don’t believe in a God?  But you would like something/someone to help you? Well, why not just call this God “The Unknowable.”  It fits a lot of people and a monk, Thomas Keating, wrote about such a God.  And Keating was a believer.  The problem with traditional concepts of God is that these concepts seem to imply an understanding of their God.  This is ignorance posing as knowledge.  It is comforting so I don’t mess with it.  But really, God is beyond anything or anyone that we could imagine or think up.  But unknowable does not mean non-existent.  It does mean you are humble enough to believe in what is beyond your limited capacities.  This to me is faith.  

Benedictine

 In the movie, “The Sound Of Music,” Mother Abbess seems to be much more patient with the wayward young postulant, Maria, than the other nuns seem to be.  They want her tossed out because she just does not follow the rules.  She is forever late for things.  The Abbess is patient because they are all Benedictine.  Saint Benedict, the founder of the Benedictines, wrote a rule in which he devotes 14 chapters to the handling of the “wayward.”  I lived with the Cistercians who are Benedictine, for several years of my life and was blessed with their patience.  I am “wayward.”  I am a wayward Paulist, full of faults, yet I seem to fail in becoming shamed enough to do better.  I was allowed to live with the Cistercian’s high up in the Rocky Mountains, because of their patience with me.  There, in those mountains, I heard the sound of music, God in all the Silence.  So, be patient with the wayward.