The Negative

 Old Timers like myself remember what a photo negative is in the dark development room.  It shows the dark, shadowy image of the camera picture you took.  Expose it to the light.  The true image comes through in the light, no longer a shadowy representation.  Such is it with prayer, as one person told me.  In the deeper meditation, you enter into a spiritual light.  You then gradually take on the image of your truer self.  And as many believe, your truest image of you is that of your Creator.  You are that image, uniquely represented in you.  Even when I pray in the dark, there is the Light within that shines through me.  Eventually, if I don't get in the way with bad behavior and character defects, I will show my best self.  

The Goal

Acceptance is not to make us feel better about a situation, but to transform us.  Acceptance is more than an emotional shift from anger and resentment into some more cozy feeling.  We are not trying so much to pacify the emotions as to accept a cross and its power.  What power is any cross?  Its power is in letting go of control, of needing to be in charge, becoming forgiving and even loving the mess in which you find yourself.  You cannot do this alone.  You will need some greater power than your own self.  "I feel good," is a passing emotion, as are all emotions.  Feeling good can be enjoyed for the moment, but it will mot bring you to become all that you can be.  That is the importance of the cross.  Even God, if you are a Christian, revealed all that God is in Jesus of Nazareth, through the cross.  This did not make people "feel good" so they abandoned him.   

Body First

 As the saying goes, "You cannot stay sober while living like a drunk." You are acting like a drunk while not actually drinking.  The mind won't change until the body starts to change what it does.  Newcomers are told to physically go to meetings.  Drunks are undisciplined.  Action brings one into better thinking.  If I say I want to have a good and balanced Spiritual Life, what am I physically doing each day?  Show up for meditation no matter how the prayer goes.  And I make my bed every day like my mother taught me.  

Success Anonymous

 I must admit that I have an addiction to success.  If I rob a bank and don’t get caught, it might be a moral failure, but I will not be so looked down upon as one who fails in an attempted robbery and even gets caught.  The latter is a “failure.”  Such is our culture.  Failure is worse than moral degeneracy.  Recovery programs are made up of failures.  I would rather be wonderful.  I think God understands my desire to be wonderful.  God thinks I am wonderful.  But that does not seem to appeal to me when caught in my addiction to be wonderful in the eyes of others.  This would make me a bit co-dependent too.  This is all too much work, so I think I will just accept me as God sees me.  

Attitude And Acceptance

 Pour water into a bowl.  You see that the bowl shapes the water.  The water does not change the configuration of the bowl.  Our life of people, places and situations are like the water.  Our attitude, and our acceptance are what can shape the events in which we find ourselves each day.  If you are judgmental, resentful and angry about everything that happens counter to your plans and your ego desires, then you are the water.  Life is shaping you.  Though alcohol is liquid, it shapes the alcoholic who drinks it.  Some things will shape us and should, but most of our day is a challenge to our response of attitude and acceptance.  You can do some things, but you cannot change the world.  With the wrong attitude, the world can and will change you.  

The Hidden Work

Many people love to walk into beautiful cathedrals and enjoy all they can see.  Some feel a sense of holiness about the architecture.  But what they don't see and don't think about is all the work it took to dig the deep foundation upon upon which the visible cathedral was built.  So it is with prayer, recovery, sanity, the virtuous life.  What you see is built upon a lot of hidden work that you do not see.  The prayer of silence and solitude is not what people see.  Nor need they.  That prayer is often done alone, in the dark.  It is the foundation of the beautiful life that people do see and admire.  The work is hidden for the most part.  The results are what people see.   

Losing Out

 Some people have an idea or expectation of what sobriety will feel like and they go after that feeling.  They get sober but the expected feeling does not follow immediately.  I suggest you not give up on what you have just because it does not conform to expectations or expected feelings.  Sobriety is better than addictive drunk even if it does not make you happy.  It might be only the first step to a deeper wholeness.  Don't tie something you did, into an emotional need.  Action and emotion are separate.  You can take the action of acceptance of someone or situation, but not feel so wonderful about it.  If I sit to meditate with the expectation that I will feel "good" or "better" than I won't be very consistent in meditation.  If it is the correct action, then emotion need not play a significant part.  

A Non-Need

 I heard someone say, "Why doesn't God give me this?"  Well, maybe you don't need it.  I have from time to time asked for something only to find out later that it was not what I needed at that time.  Many an alcoholic has asked God, to no avail, to help them to stop drinking.  But they did not stop.  God failed? No.  What they asked for was not what they needed.  What they needed was a recovery program that pointed out to them their broken will-power.  Clueless people ask for a lot of things.  They tend to have big resentment lists.  Eventually, if not dead, they will become all worn out from their way.  Then they might listen to the still soft voice.  And act.  We give ourselves a lot of things we don't need.  God does not do this.  But just because we need something does not mean we are ready to act on it.  God is patient.  

Intimacy

 I was feeling very intimate with God one day, and someone came up to me and said, "I feel so intimate with God in my prayer life."  Well!  I did not let on but in my heart I said, "Phooey to that!"  I want singular intimacy.  Is not that the nature of intimacy?  I don't want to be part of a herd of intimates.  If I am in love with a person, I don't want to know they love me and everyone else in their life equally.  My problem is that I cannot share, because my god is not big enough.  Thus, I worship and love a small idol.  Pathetic?  OK.  But what to do?  Laugh at myself.  Then be honest with God rather than put God on my resentment list.  I have a big ego and am selfish with love.  Actually, a miser.  Then let God take over.  Turn it over to God.  I was never good at fixing myself.  

Idols

Children are often given a very attractive sense of God.  It works for the child.  But what if God is not so?  Then as you grow up you become burdened with this desire for what is not.  What God is not gives little reassurance.  It could lead to resentment and then you become one of the "non-practicing."  So why not just confide in this God you distrust or doubt?  Honesty is a good way to stay on the spiritual path.  Who knows, but you may even grow to some sense of peace with this loss of your childhood sense of the beautiful God.  You may even become comfortable with the bracing absence of this God.  Just because the silent God, the seemingly small God, does not answer your questions, does not mean non-existence.  If every alcoholic had to have a good day, getting their spiritual comforts daily, in order to stay sober, the bars and morgues and rough sleepers on the street would be quite full.   

Attachment

People come onto retreats to face the issue of 'Non-Duality" or Oneness.  They spend countless hours in mediations, walks, readings, trying to let go of the "False Self."  Detachment is their focus, the holy grail of meditation.  Then they all go home to  garages, attics, basements, and closets, filled up with stuff that they really do not need, and sometimes don't even want.  So if you cannot detach from your ego and false self then the answer might not lie in more retreats or meditation.  I'm just sayin' for you Christians, Jesus had it all as God and then became one of us and then died naked on a cross.  I just glanced over my shoulder at my closet.  Looks like I am not much of a Jesus follower.  

Evolving

 If Creation is evolving, then why are we, part of this evolving creation, trying so hard to keep things the same?  Why are we holding on to keep things the same?  Some monasteries become extinct.  They would not or could not change.  And yet, they were founded on change.  They came into existence to change something that would not change to their liking.  A monastery can cease to be what it is but need not go extinct.  Instead, it can evolve into something that takes a core value and expands it.  A ranch can remain basically a ranch with all its beauty but move into modern equipment and modern methods of ranching.  A monastery can maintain silence and solitude in some reserved section, but then in other parts of the property have music, art, conferences, speakers for the curious public.  Same buildings but different insides.  Recovery programs are not fossilized.  They evolve over time.  The extinct would not or could not change.

Belonging

 If I walked into a bar back in the day before I got holy, I never felt I belonged.  It wasn't "Cheers."  So why was I there?  To help me eventually figure out where I did belong.  The bar did not so much have "flaws" as it had limitations.  It's job or purpose was not in the belonging business.  In the bar I was alone in a crowd.  I have come to find out that I can be very much alone but not lonely and certainly not alone.  The lack of people does not make for aloneness.  The God of my NOT understanding fills up much of that empty space within me if I let it happen.  A very sobering experience and a lot cheaper than the bar.  

Dependent Peace

 If my peace of mind relies on no annoyances, and my desires being completely satisfied, then my peace will be of short duration.  Such peace is quite fragile, as someone said.  Many a Christian want the Kingdom that Jesus promised, to be now, right now, today.  But Jesus seemed to remind his unfulfilled associates that his Kingdom was not of this world.  He did say it was within you.  Which means?  That you have to let go of your inner expectations and demands for your own personal happiness, at the expense of life on life's terms.  Buddha said life is suffering.  The Jews certainly suffer.  Jesus suffered.  Do I want my gods to take away my daily displeasures?  There are no such gods.  That is idol worship.  Complete satisfaction is an idol.  

The Problem

 From time to time I must remind myself that I am not so much the victim of what is going on in my life, as i am the problem.  For instance, my house is such a mess, or my office, or cell.  Why do I have to suffer living in this situation?  Well, ask myself when was the last time I cleaned it all up?  "I have no time," I say.  Well, that is not the room's fault.  Maybe I are trying to do too much to fill up the emptiness within me that I do not want to face or admit?  The same with a car that is become unreliable.  It is not the car's fault.  I never do any maintenance or it is all delayed maintenance.  I am the problem.  A lot of things that don't work so well, or in a faulty manner is because of the delayed maintenance.  I wait for a crisis, blame the offending part, and then finally fix or buy new.  The problem often begins and ends with me. 

Live It

 Your name is part of your identity that does not require any action.  It is a given.  The name "Terry" is an identity.  I don't live or do Terry.  But "sober" is not simply an identity.  In fact it is not an identity at all. Someone might say, "I am sober."  I wait.  For what?  For action.  Sober is something one must live.  It is action, and not an adjective.  Sober people act sober which is way more than not ingesting a substance.  It is a way of life.  You live sober.  Otherwise, it is false advertising.  

Footlights

 Beware of a "Footlight Sanctity."  It is when you have made important discoveries about the spiritual life that seem to give you a sense of strength in action and commitment.  All this new insight tends to cover up your still lingering, persistent, though now covered over, weakness, lack of humility, and selfishness.  While you may want everyone else to know about your new enlightened path to holiness, they will also see your flaws to which you are now blind.  When you were well aware of your shortcomings, you were reluctant to proclaim any "better than you" attitude.  Better to attract people by your actions than your self-promoting words.  Progress never mens perfection.  

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day and today, Happy Anniversary of my 46 years as a priest.  Yes, May 14, 1977 at our Mother Church in New York City, nine of us were ordained Paulist priests.  My Mom was pretty happy that day for sure.  And the next day she got to celebrate Mother's Day.  There were no computers in my life back then.  It was still typewriter time for me.  I am lucky that every place I was assigned was a good one for me and just right for that time.  I had a lot of mentors who taught me new skills that I still use today.  This blog is the result of someone telling there are such things and how to use it in my ministry.  I am not yet retired, but referred to as an active senior just like my Mom was in her 80s.  Happy Day to you all.   

Tricky Service

 When being of service such as cooking a meal or baking for people, I must be careful that my action is not to enhance my need for appreciation.  Then, all would depend on being appreciated.  I can be a glutton for appreciation, and in that mode I never get enough.  I then end up becoming angry, resentful and judgmental of these people I am serving who don't appreciate me enough or do likewise service for me.  They become lazy, shiftless and selfish in my mind.  It is a terrible way to spend a day.  So I have to check myself, that I am being of service out of love, with no expectation of feedback or results from my efforts.  

Celebrate

 Do you try to be good so that someone will like you?  Or forgive you for bad behavior?  So if they feel good about you, then you will feel good about yourself, or at least not so shameful and guilt-ridden?  Phooey on that.  Why not simply be good as a celebration of your being worthy of love?  Love cannot be earned.  Earned love is an oxymoron.  And you don't manufacture being worthy of love.  You simply are worthy.  Bad behavior affects only the outsides or periphery of the self.  Within, you are worthy of love, so you don't have to slowly kill yourself, however you might do that.  Created worth is unreal.  You don't create worth.  It is in your true heart DNA.  Being clueless does not make you unworthy.  It might make you unhappy, not not unworthy of love.  When I wake up I say, " I am lovable!"  On my good days I believe it most of the day.  Oops!  I've said too much.  Imperfection damages guru status.  

Live

 There is the saying, "Live and let live."  It is often used as a way to just let other people be and don't try and fix them.  But the first word of the phrase is "LIVE" and that means you have to live, as in learn to live life to its fullest.  Become your full self, not a fantasy self, or a negative self, but the goodness that is in you, though too often hidden behind judgments, resentments, anger and false pride.  Plus a lot of hurt is buried in the "past life" chamber.  If you let past hurts rule your life then you won't really live.  You will die slowly or quickly from the insides.  The best way for me to live each day is to forget myself, that self who is always critiquing the world around me.  Look and see without judgment.  There is a lot to see if we allow it to come out of hiding behind our narrow views.  

Second Opinion

 One of the things that heavy drinkers, on the way to addiction say to themselves in a hangover or deep into the evening is, "I'm no good." They don't like themself very much and so alcohol is a way to slowly kill themself.  Generally, somewhere in their early years they picked up the idea, the opinion, that they were trash, or just no good enough for someone.  So besides drinking into oblivion, the alcoholic has a rich fantasy life in which they are not the person that hate but someone much more famous and successfully esteemed by the world.  In recovery, one of the first persons on their resentment list ought to be themself who they abused.  Then they get a second opinion from a sponsor and tribe of recovering people who have gotten off the self-loathing bus.  Once a person loves their own self, they seem to stop judging, resenting, and being angry at so much of life.  

Holy Communion

I believe that Holy Communion in my religious tradition connects well to addiction Recovery.  You cannot self-serve Holy Communion.  Someone has to give it to you.  It is not like an automat.  If you know what an automat is, you are really old!   And you don't receive Holy Communion all by yourself.  It is done in communion with others.  It is not given impersonally.  Usually, there is love and concern among the group and the one giving the Communion.  Holy Communion is a direct access to God.  In addiction recovery you do not do it alone.  You receive it from another and in a group experience.  Recovery is not self-serve.  The process of receiving from another who is in recovery is a direct access to a Higher Power.  In the Mass and in Recovery you listen to what is being read in the Bible or Big Book.  Sure you may drift off, become distracted, or even fall asleep, but you keep coming back.  And many a Catholic church have Recovery meetings in their buildings.  Saints in process in both places.  

The Code

 Love and tolerance is the code by which I want to live in relation to life around me.  But I am not as consistent as I would like.  When I drift from my code I do not see the change until after the damage to myself and others.  Suddenly, I am trying to get people to do what I want them to do, or I am critiquing them for not doing what they "should" do, which is what I want them to do.  I end up comparing and contrasting myself versus others.  Of course I usually am better than they are, in my judgement.  I end up angry, resentful, and isolated.  I am getting better at catching myself before any damage is done to me or others.  I recognize my defect of character, chide myself and then get back to love and tolerance.  I can be having a "bad day" but then start it over at any time.  I like to go to bed having had a good day at that moment.  

The Bus

 As someone said, "If you get on a bus and stay on it you will eventually get to its final destination."  Chronic alcoholism is the final destination, terminal in health and life, for alcoholics who keep on drinking.  Some on the way will say, "I am not that bad."  "I can get off whenever I want."  Hopefully, you will get off before the end.  The problem with most potential or practicing alcoholics is they do not know they are on the bus.  Until they do.  And then maybe they cannot get off.  You hear the words, "Blind drunk."  It means you are on the bus but cannot see it.  You have closed your eyes to the darkening scenery.  Recovery is a matter of getting off the bus and going toward a new destination...with others.  

Technology

 If I depend upon the computer in our technological culture for my needs and wants, then ultimately I am depending upon my own powers.  The more I know how to work technology the more power and control and even self esteem I have, at least in my own mind.  I never go beyond my own powers and limitations to a deeper dimension in which I discover my center-self, my deeper self.  In meditation I am not the one in control.  It is not my Power that will lead me on this deeper journey.  But it requires time, energy and attention or intention, and that means walking away from the time spent with time-consuming computer/cell phone/iPad and such.  

The Stripping

 Death takes away everything, and does so in an instant.  So why not prepare for this intimate event by letting go of some things.  Like what? Like that which you know in your heart of hearts you don’t really need.  Buy less things.  Become more comfortable with bare necessities.  In trying to move into this simpler life you might discover some things about yourself that all your stuff has covered up.  Maybe a loneliness.  Maybe a sense of inferiority.  Maybe an ego that wants constant feeding.  You might attend to these things as they come up.  Though they are fantasy in reality, they are real to you in your unreality.  The many things we grasp onto are the really unreal.  The fullness of life just might be in the scarcity of stuff.  

Grace

 You cannot love God or anyone for that matter.  But you can want to love.  You fall in love with this person but not that person.  Did you choose to fall in love with this one person?  No.  Saints can love everyone.  The rest of us rely on grace/gift.  You meet several people in a group but only one attracts you.  You did not make it happen.  The attraction is a gift.  In a partnership or marriage, the going gets rough, but you decide to stay and be loving.  The attraction of the other person is gone.  But you decide to love.  The decision is a gift.  From where?  From the source of all love.  God is love.  To the non-believer God is anonymous.  You can only want to love God.  The attraction is gift.  Someone says, “I have decided to get sober.”  If they think it is their own decision, and not a gift, they will simply empower their own self-will to stop the addiction.  They will fail.  Sobriety is a gift and you work to hold onto it.  

The Model

Retirement

 If you are retired but still worry a lot about a lot of stuff, people, places and situations, then all that has changed in retirement is that you now don't get paid to worry.  A retired person may get a bit disoriented at first.  "What is my place in the world?" they may ask themselves.  The fact that you lived to be retired means that now you have the time to find your place in your new world.  Maybe gratitude that you did not get fired for insane living, would be a good start to each puzzling day.  Acceptance that you are older and not younger, alive and not dead.  God still has plans.  Not your plans maybe but God's plans.  So some daily meditation and spiritual reading to get out of your own way would be good.  The ego never retires.  Nor does imperfection, but we can minimize these things with patience and practice.  If you are striving for success in retirement, that is not retirement.  Goals are fine, but too often they lead to wasted time in fantasy.  Maybe be a model of peace for all those who still run around in frantic pursuit of whatever they deem important.  Plant something.  It shows you believe in a future even if you are not here to enjoy the fruits.  That is service to others.  

Bicycle

 The spiritual journey is like riding a bicycle.  You are on a journey on the bike.  But the beginner has training wheels on their bike.  They feel safe and secure.  This is the good beginning of a spiritual fit journey.  The safe and secure say, "I got God."  "I got spiritual stuff."  "I got sobriety."  "I got religion."  And so on.  Lots of gots.  But at some point, and I call it a graced moment or God-shot, a person decides to take the training wheels off the bicycle.  Scary, and not so secure.  Trust and surrender to give the two-wheeler a go.  Voila!  You are on the same journey, with the same bike, but all is different.  So too prayer/meditation/service.  As the prayer deepens, as you let go of control of results, or goals, you find that your service in the world becomes more selfless.  Sobriety deepens.  Deep prayer has fewer parts, as does a two wheeler from a training wheel bicycle.  The God-shots are God's way of saying, "Abandon yourself."

Understanding?

 It is OK for someone new to the spiritual path to have a "god of their understanding."  It is a start.  As time goes on and if the spiritual path deepens in this ongoing time, one realizes that no one understands God.  God is not a thing or in a place.  Go is.  But though we cannot understand God we can love God.  The beginner has no sense of this.  It is probably nonsense or sentimental to the beginner.  I try to be patient with the beginner, but feel a certain sadness for one who says they have been on a spiritual path for a long time, but still are with the god they know.  Spiritual paths are comfortable and comforting, until they are not.  Then the transformation begins.  As Bill says, "abandon yourself."