NewYear's Eve

 Well, if you are going to make a resolution it might be that you don't live in a bubble in 2021.  Routines yes, bubbles no.  Mary, the mother of Jesus lived in routines, but was open to change when something unusual or different came up.  I wish there was a holy card that was real about Mary.  The ones I see, when the angel comes to announce Jesus is coming, show her in her Sabbath best outfit, reading a bible and not a bead of sweat on her head.  A real Jewish girl in small town Nazareth, lower class income would not be doing that as a routine.  Mary would have been cleaning, sewing, shopping, cooking, washing and such.  I don't doubt that she read her bible and prayed like other girls, but it makes prayer be the only time God can interrupt your life.  "I am going to pray now God, so you can come and do your thing."  I like the idea of God interrupting Mary in her household routines.  It shows she can stop and ponder, ask questions and then give an answer.  She is not stuck in a bubble.  Anyhow, that is 2021 resolution for me, to be open to change and not get stuck in a rut.  

Reading And Living

 When I read the writings of monks, spiritual masters, men and women, I am struck by their depth and insight.  If I were to go to a monastery I would expect to hear this kind of talk among the monks.  It would be one of the attractions for a person who is drawn to a more contemplative life.  But if you do not find that in a monastery then I don’t think you are likely to be nourished by the presence of others who live there.  I, for instance, would be interested in a monastery that talks about prayer from the monk’s personal experience.  If I don’t hear any of that when monks get together, if they get together, than I would find that puzzling.  Thomas Merton, if I recall correctly, felt that the monks at his monastery were simply introverts and not contemplatives, some of whom might fit into yesterday’s blog about monks who live in bubbles.  So if a newcomer arrives, after Covid, I think I would need to talk to him about prayer, contemplative prayer, rather than what I do around the house in work or how beautiful the nature scene is outside.  If you are joining a monastery because of the pretty scenery, I don’t think you will become a monk of what Thomas Merton was looking for.  

The Bubble

 I don’t want to live in a bubble.  To live in a bubble is where you can live with others, but be alone in your bubble.  How does this work?  Well, you find a way to get what you want without needing to deal with the other people with whom you live any more than is necessary.  You are not a community, but rather separate bubbles in the same house or monastery.  Bubble is not the same as routine.  In routine, when something comes up that should have attention, but is not part of your routine, you break the routine to attend to it.  In a bubble, you just ignore it.  Delayed maintenance is the result of people living in bubbles. I have seen monks who I think live in their bubble.  Bubbles are never much open to the distraction of new people coming in.  Thus, too many bubble monks and the monastery will die.  Bubble monks only live with others for the sake of convenience.  They don’t care to deal personally with all the things that make a household function.  So they don’t become hermits.  A hermit has to cook, clean, shop and avoid delayed maintenance.  A cenobitic monastery is supposed to be a community of monks living together which is a lot different than living alone with others.  More on this tomorrow, but I try to avoid living in a bubble.  

Solitude

 Solitude is something you ultimately have to do by yourself.  It does not mean that you have to be all by yourself, alone, but even if you are with others in a meditation room, each one of you is pursuing the deepening journey by yourself.  Nor does being alone mean that you are in solitude.  One can be by oneself, with a busy mind or fantasizing as escape from the now of you alone.  A mediation book, a bible, Vedanta, Tao Ta Ching, Sutra can be a lead in to solitude.  The book is not solitude, but a preliminary, a bridge from busy mind, to a focused mind, to then letting go of being in charge of your spiritual growth.  This is when the book is put aside, the prayer words, the petitions are all let go, and you are taken into the deep darkness where an Energy takes over.  It may be peaceful, but maybe not since you are not in charge of the results of this encounter.  In solitude you may get away from the world's problems as you see them, but you will most likely have to face "you" are the primary problem.  This part of solitude is the way of purification.  I seem to be there a lot at this time.  I am the problem. Yikes!

Christiana

Christiana lived in the 12th century, but had an issue that many saw as problematic, then, as well as today.  She wanted to remain single and even a virgin.  This ran counter to her parents' wishes.  She had all sorts of problems and obstacles in trying to claim her spiritual identity.  She was forced into a betrothal and her parents even encouraged her suitor to take her by force.  Even a church court told her to marry.  She finally escaped, and hid in a cramped hole for four years. Yikes!  In the end her fiancé and family relented and let her pursue her vocation.  She became a nun and then an abbess in a monastery.  In today's terms, she wanted to be "single," a word that says loser  for many a young woman.  Single means that you are in some sort of transition for many people who say they are 'Single."  But for many it is the way they want  to deepen their spiritual life.  Many people think they can best deepen their life through marriage and family or partnering.  But not everyone.  If it is the life for you, single, don't let the world shame you, though the world may try to do exactly that, sometimes, those closest to you.  Such was Christiana's problem.   

Boston

 OK all you Bostonians, Red Sox fans, and Scrod eaters, did you know that the name of your city is quite Spiritual?  Not like the name "York" for that home of the Yankees.  Boston means "Botulf's Stone."  Way back in the 7th century there was an English monk/priest who was given land to build a monastery.  The land was thought to be demon infested, like many New Yorkers think of Boston today, because it was in a remote and marshy spot that no one else could find useful.  Anyway, Botulf was quite a holy master and drew guys from the region to become monks and help finish the monastery construction.  In time, the Danes came along and destroyed the place.  Stones remained lying around on the ground.  Thus one of them was called Botulf's Stone.  And there you have the roots of Boston.  I hope Santa was good to Boston.  Santa did find the monastery.  

Christmas

This Christmas I am giving thanks to God for the unexpected which is in keeping with the unexpected event of God the Baby in the manger.  Covid is a mess of course, but because of it I ended up at this monastery for the long stay.  I had thought about staying here more, but never did it.  I was too busy with "my ministry."  I was traveling about from church to church and rectory to rectory.  Then it all ended and I finally did what I probably would not have done on my own.  So the 2020 stay at the monastery is unexpected but also a grace, just like God the baby in the manger.  Now Jesus grew up and did fantastic things.  I have no such plans.  I am just taking it one grace-filled day at a time.  I hope that today can be a grace-filled day for you, maybe with some unexpected things to expand your horizons.  You are not alone. Somebody loves you. Me!

Christmas Eve

I am thinking of the baby Jesus as many of us do at this time of year.  An infant is taking its first breathes outside the womb.  According to the bible, the very first breath was taken by Adam in Genesis and the Garden of paradise.  He got that breath from The First Breath.  So all the way down to me, each breath that I take is a breath of The First Breath, the breath of the Creator of all this stuff I see in the night sky universe.  So how do I use this breath that is so freely given and is supposed to be so sacred?  Do I breathe fury, anger, unkind words of judgment, either muttering to myself or criticizing others?  Do I breathe quietly with my mouth closed while I listen with compassion to the pain, suffering, anxiety, or woundedness in others?  Do I spend anytime each day, with a quiet breath in meditation?  Well, now that I realize that my breathing is a gift to me, I want to use it as a gift to that First Breath, and then to others in relationship.  Oh, and leave something out for Santa.  It is a busy night for Santa, I hope.  

A Broken Toy

 What if someone gave you a broken toy for Christmas.  Would you toss it away?  Be angry that it is broken?  Never pay it any mind?  Or would you love on it?  While you are musing on your response, think of yourself as a broken something, a used up, second hand something.  God loves on you.  We are all a bit broken in one way or another and God is wanting to love on us.  Sometimes love is enough for fixing us.  At this time, a few days before some of us celebrate God coming into a broken world in God's own small, out of the way, Way, I think of myself as being put together by self-giving infinite love.  And for you non-believers, what if this Jewish baby really is God?  If I believe such a thing to be real, than I had better step up my loving of broken people.  That is one reason I do these blogs!

Thanksgiving

 As I look over this season, I have come to realize that Thanksgiving, four weeks ago, was a turning point for me here at the monastery.  Before that, I would try and “schedule” silence and solitude, not just around me, but within me.  I would try to quiet my thoughts, my restless and critical mind.  But Thanksgiving Day was different this year than any other.  Yes, there was the gathering for turkey dinner, conversation, cleaning up together and all, but before and after that, there was a silence I never experienced any previous Thanksgiving.  No football on TV, or newspapers, or lots of conversation.  And the silence, at first strange, then became something I fell into.  It seemed natural, an ongoing part of me, unscheduled.  After we all cleaned up in mid-afternoon, I never spoke another word until I went to bed.  I did not feel the need to “go to prayer time.”  I was “in” rather than with the Presence.  And I am calmer for it.  I would not call this an “arrival” as that would indicate the journey is over.  

Little By Little

 Well, my Christmas is approaching.  I thought that I would be in better spiritual shape than I am.  I could dwell on this and just have a bad day of self-reproach, which is often false pride disguised.  Instead, I look at myself and see that I am not as bad as I used to be.  I am not what I once used to be on a regular basis of self-centeredness and resentment.  I complain less.  I am more accepting of others.  I find pleasure in a winter day that used to be too cold, too dreary, too sunless, too much darkness.  As the famous quote goes, “I am not what I want a to be, but I am not what I used to be.”  Enjoy the hidden progress.  

Winter Solstice

 Yikes, Christmas week is here!  Tomorrow, at 6:30 AM it will be the Winter Solstice, which for us in my Hemisphere, means lots of  darkness.  The monastery sits between two high hills, so we get very little sunshine at this time.  But I think of Santa up at the North Pole, where the sun shines not this time of year.  He is working in the dark, beginning to pack the sled, or Santa Elves are doing the heavy lifting.  Santa is checking on the reindeer, making sure they are healthy and well fed for the journey.  And of course, Rudolph has to have that shiny red nose to lead the others.  Now if I were a good Christian I would be thinking more about the baby Jesus than what might be packed into Santa's sled.  My big Sis, Maureen, told me that if I were thinking more about what Santa was bringing me, than I was thinking about the coming of the baby Jesus, I would definitely burn.  Well, I got a few days to get it right.  How about you?  

Widow's Mite

 There is a story in the Bible about a widow who gives two small coins into the temple treasury.  It is all she has.  The rich give a lot more, but it is from their surplus.  They still have plenty left.  The point?  For me, I sometimes am like the widow.  I have very little to give to God, but then, unlike the widow,  I don't give God anything.  I say, "This is too little to give."  Like what? Time.  Enthusiasm. Faith. Focus.  I say at times that I am so scattered, empty of feelings for prayer or God or love.  My shortcomings are overwhelming me.  Maybe later God.  Then I recall the widow.  I then give God what little I have, but I give all of my little.  It is tough to pray when things are not going your way, but it may be the best of times for transformation.  Think Gratitude.  It dissipates a lot of our mess.  

Barren Times

Why get upset about the Fall changing into Winter?  I look at all the barren tree branches, the lack of color, except for white on the ground and hillsides.  It is muddy and cold.  It used to be pleasant Fall temps and good runny roads.  But do I not pray for change in me?  Yes, but I want the change to be agreeable to me, like a Florida change, minimal.  But I suspect God has other plans, and my whining just gets in the way.  God made late Fall/early Winter to remind me that change can be challenging on a daily basis.   

The Star(s)

 From 8,000 feet elevation we get two things, very cold winters and clear sky for star-gazing.  Jupiter and Saturn are now so close together that with the naked eye they look like one star and of course very bright.  And at Christmas too!  Wow.  But with binoculars I can see both planets separate but close together.  Now in Florida where you are at sea level and lots of haze, you may see nothing.  In New York you are getting a Nor’easter, so forget stars.  But if you have a clear sky go out soon after sunset or else the planets will go below the horizon if you wait.  Here it was about 6:00 PM, but maybe 6:30 would have worked too.  We have mountains so we cannot delay.  I remember hearing about a bright star when Jesus was born.  Well, here we are, astronomical history or not, Christmas and a bright star, or two planets flying by.  Both work for me.  But it was really cold outside.  

Don't Judge

 Recently I mixed a batter of bread dough and kneaded it, let it rise and noticed that it rose quite fast.  Oh well, whatever.  I let it rise again and it rose even faster.  i tried to pound it down, but it seemed to stay, massive.  I put the bowl of dough into the refrigerator to get some more flavor.  Disaster struck.  I got a message that the bread dough was overflowing the bowl, oozing down the shelves and onto the refrigerator floor.  What a mess.  I took the bowl out with the dough flowing down the outside of the bowl.  I cleaned up the refrigerator and decided that this thing IS Alive!  A MONSTER.  I felt like Doctor Frankenstein.  i decided to bake this bread before it messed up anything else.  I said to myself, "I am a worthless monk.  I cannot do anything right."  I figured the bread, a French Loaf, would turn out to be mediocre if anything.  There was still so much dough left, in spite of all that had spilled, I filled three baking trays and one bowl.  I had to bake it forever to get it to bake fully.  It turned out to be the best French Bread I had made so far.  Never judge, especially yourself.  Baking is an art, and one is never fully in control.  

Zooming

 Some people say that they don’t like zoom or they have zoom fatigue.  I have this myself at times.  Zoom is not a normal way to interact.  It is not in person.  Cell phone talking seems to have become normal.  But when I say that I am tired of zooming, I ask myself, “But am I being helpful to someone else?”  If the answer is yes, and it always seems to be, then I give up normalcy to be helpful to others.  Even when we get a vaccine and can meet in person, I think Zoom should stay around for shut-ins, the elderly and others who cannot drive, bad weather, sickness that keeps one at home.  It is a way to meet the challenge of isolation.  So I zoom on.  

Right Sized

 A truly humble person, when praised for the good she did, said, “You are raising too much wind for this poor dust.”  I like that.  I want to remain quiet dust held together by love, and not be blown about by the need for a kind of praise and recognition that might make me too prideful.  What is too prideful?  I begin to think I am better than others around me.  And I begin to forget that it is not my own self-power that led me to do some good deed.  On my own I mess up.  But with the power of God, as I understand God, I can be quite useful to the world around me.  I can bring joy and not criticism or cynicism.  

We Phone

 Someone said that the cell phone is called an “i” phone and not a “we” phone.  True I use it for a lot of individual stuff, searching, reading, buying and so forth.  But I need to make it a we phone too in my spiritual endeavors.  Why? For one, I need to connect with a world of persons larger than myself, and two, in that connection be of some help, some support, some communal giving.  I have a prayer group that I connect with.  We meditate, listen to a reading and share.  I meet with one or two people on zoom or cell phone to be of service and I meet with an online zoom group that is trying to grew in the spiritual life.  And I connect with friends and family on line.  This all helps me to stay “we” connected.  

Solitude

 The difference between loneliness and solitude is that when I am in solitude, I never feel alone, nor uncomfortable.  Many people avoid solitude because they mix it up with loneliness, and thus they feel lonely and uncomfortable.  I have been blessed with solitude being the answer to my loneliness.  Not everyone is so blessed, or makes this connection.  I have walked down a corridor and suddenly felt lonely.  I then went into the chapel and sat, alone, and the loneliness seeped away.  This has been the case as long as I can recall.  Many people don’t even know they are lonely or won’t admit to it.  It might make them feel like a loser.  Such people seek activity, busyness, projects, noise, chatter in groups, or some addictive substance.  Been there, did that.  When with people, I have gotten over the impulse to talk a lot, in order to feel I fit in.  I can just be with, be part of and that is enough.  Covid does limit interaction.  See how things go after the vaccine comes around to me and to you.  

The Marble

 I think of a block of marble as being in its comfort zone as simply a block of marble.  Then the artist comes along and begins to chisel away.  The marble is upset.  It wants to be left as a block of marble.  But the artist sees something more within the block of marble.  The block of marble is uncomfortable being chiseled away.  Transformation is like this.  I am the block of marble and would prefer my comfort zone as this, but God sees more and chisels away at me to reveal the “more” that can be a blessing for the world around me.  When I meditate, am helpful to another, forgive, accept, have patience and compassion, I am being chiseled away, bit by bit.  It is the discomfort of being taken out of my comfort zone.  My comfort zone is more a place of mediocrity.  God the Artist, the Chiseler.  

Loneliness

 I have always had a lonely streak in me.  I recall it from when I was a boy in the Bronx.  I had a friend named Paul.  I wanted to be like “best friends” sort of thing, but there was another boy across the street named Frankie.  When they got together either I was not invited or when with them, I did not feel I fit in. I think they were cousins of some sort.  When we moved to White Plains, the suburbs, it was summer.  A kid has a hard time fitting in with new kids in the summer.  They all had their relationships.  I did what I could, but I had those lonely blues.  When I went to school, it was a new school for me and 7th grade.  All the kids had years together.  I tried.  I think I enjoyed High School and College because everyone started out together and I had some friends from High School in College.  I felt that I fit in.  Summers were lonely and the post school of work was lonely.  I never really fit into the world of corporate business.  It all struck my loneliness streak.  Fast forward to the monastery.  It is a good fit here.  Rarely, so far, has the loneliness streak been tapped.  I am never lonely in deep meditation.  This may be why I believe there is a God.  I wonder if God ever gets lonely?  I give God time and attention on a daily basis, just in case.  

The Inner Eye

I like the image of my soul having an eye.  Whenever my mediation is deepened enough, the outer eye, though closed in stillness and silence, does not give up looking about in thoughts and images.  Then suddenly, it gives up or let's go and the inner eye of the soul breaks through the veil that separates me from the God beyond my understanding.  To see with the inner eye, the eye of the soul, is to see nothing that satisfies thoughts or images. But beyond the veil is All.  And then I am in peace, searching no more.   

My Place

 When I pray for what I want, it often means that I do not like my place in the universe.  When I pray for what I need I am comfortable with my place in the universe.  Sometimes there are surprises in real life that affect my plans and my wants, but that does not automatically mean I am not getting what I need.  I sometimes want to be more of the center of stuff, but that might not fit my needs.  I know what I want, but do not always know what I need.  So I pray for that which I do not know, my needs.  That is real faith, and real hope and trust.  I may want to be more perfect, but sometimes I might need to mess up some in order to become more humble and more letting go of my will that got me into the mess in the first place.  So what do you request in your prayer?

Differences

I notice that in recovery programs such as AA, there are many different kinds of meetings.  Some are advertised and some are not.  People like to go to meetings where they feel comfortable.  There are meetings for sexual preferences, for judges, police/fire people, clergy, and even airline pilots.  No one meeting says, "We are the best," or "We are the only meeting that does it right."  Meetings or worship services in religions seem to go in a different direction.  Some of these religions think they are completely right, orthodox and everyone else is wrong.  Why not just let people go where they want to go as long as it is what they believe?  So many wars have been and still are fought over religion, dress codes, customs and even skin color and ethnicity.  In AA no one cares what you look like.  You are welcome.  One thing AA has in common with religions is that if you take an old timer's pew seat in church or regular seat at a meeting, they might become a bit upset.  Turf is always a test of welcome.  

Daily Response

 I try to ask myself each morning what I can do to be helpful to someone else today?  Why?  Well, I have come to realize that I cannot change the flawed people with whom I live and associate.   Trying to change such people only leads to resentment, muttering, and frustration.  I am supposed to love them.  But rather then ask what love is in such a situation of reality, I just try to be of some service, be helpful and not critical.  This is good for me.  The second thing that comes out of this being helpful attitude is that it keeps me in today.  I cannot be helpful yesterday or tomorrow.  Those days do not exist.  I only have today.  So I baked challah yesterday, whole wheat today and tomorrow will be rye bread.  They don't deserve it of course, but  I enjoy  the sense of being useful.  Hopefully, this blog is helpful to you too.  

The Meetings

 There is a story in the Bible of ten lepers who asked Jesus to heal them.  He did.  Nine went off to live their life free of leprosy.  One came back to say thank you.  Nine were healed and one was transformed.  There is a difference and I see it in recovery meetings from addiction.  Some come to meetings and follow directions for a time.  They get rid of their addiction to whatever substance.  They feel healed and stop coming to meetings. Some continue going to meetings and continue to practice whatever got them sober. But these are transformed and it shows in their trying to be helpful to newcomers and one another on a daily basis.  I see this in other situations such as religion.  People get what they want and then drift off to carry on with their life.  But they are not transformed.  And eventually, the healing wears off. I have found it so.  Transformation and deeper happiness, fulfillment, selfless fulfillment is a daily effort.  

The Leap

 In my church, most people are baptized when they are a baby or very young.  If they subsequently get any religious ed, it is usually about a system of ideas, and a structure of governance.  Sometimes they go to public worship and learn something about talking to God in prayer.  Well, welcome to Christendom.  This does not yet make one a Christian.  Say what?  In this system something is passed on yes, but the challenge to become a Christian is still a work to be done.  As someone said, becoming a Christian is a leap of faith, and I don't mean dogma or credal belief faith.  It is a difficult thing to do.  I don't know that many baptized actually make it, but then I suppose we can fake it until we make it.  I read the Gospels and say wow, this is not easy.  I cannot think or wish my way into following its tenants.  I have to make the leap, to practice without a comfort zone.  It is not so much about feeling happy, right, or comfortable.  The founder died on a cross.  My whole life would have to change to follow him.  A work in progress begins after the leap.  Ask anyone who has recovered from a life-destroying addiction . 

Why Go?

 I find that many people tend to gather with a group and have a primary purpose being, "I want them to like me."  We sometimes think, or often believe that we are not so good, and hope no one figures this out about us.  We go to church, synagogue, temple, recovery meetings and social events with this in mind.  To avoid this focus on being liked I ask myself what is the purpose of the group gathering?  If I go to church it is about being part of a community that is focused on God and not on being liked by one another.  If a recovery meeting, it is to stay stopped from an addiction.  If I would focus on being liked I miss the point of the meeting.  To go to a social event where I don't know people and want them to like me, wow that is not much fun.  Too much pressure to figure out what they want me to be, since maybe I may be a bit focused on my shortcomings that I want to hide.  So I go and be me.  If they don't like me or talk to me, then I don't go back.  We worry too much about people judging our outsides.  If that is what they are doing, then stop going to that group.   

Spirituality Prepared

Following the rules of a religion or believing in its creed is never enough to prepare a person for reality.  I have found many a person who has abandoned organized religion and belief in a Deity, because reality showed up and they had no spiritual depth to face it.  Like what?  Well, you obey the rules, and in my religion, that is going to church on Sabbath for instance, you profess belief in your religion's creed/dogma, and then reality happens.  You ask your Deity for help, that is, to get the results you want and think is fair, but the opposite happens.  Reality is often the opposite of what one wants.  The result?  Your hopes are shattered.  Your religion and Deity did not come through, so you abandon both.  If I am going to have an ongoing relationship with a Deity and face life on life's terms, then I am going to have to have some spiritual life of depth, that I only get with deep meditation where I stop focusing on me and my plans and let This Power act on my innards, my spiritual innards.  Often, non-belief is merely a resentment against reality.  

December

It is the first day of December.  We have been 9 months into Covid times.  So maybe you are thinking about a vaccine being on the horizon.  That 18 month to 2 year wait has shrunk quite a bit.  But I am not thinking about a vaccine.  Nor am I thinking about the baby Jesus at Christmas, or shopping.  I am thinking about Santa today.  Will Santa come to the monastery?  Does Santa even know we are in this remote spot?  And moreover, does Santa know that I am here?  I have my doubts.  I know that we put up a tree in our dining area and decorate it.  I think that we have midnight mass here, but Covid says no one but us monks will be allowed inside the monastery chapel.  We will zoom it, but you will all be sleeping.  Then we go to bed.  Holy monks will be thanking Jesus for coming into the world.  Mediocre, fake monks, shallow spiritually, will be hoping that Santa will come for him.  But even if Santa does not come, there will be many things to be thankful for on Christmas.  All you blog readers are a gift to me.  You give me hope that with your faith in me, I will someday shape up.  

Divine Expansion

 Isaac Hecker, CSP, the founder of the Paulist Fathers, said that we are all meant for Divine Expansion.  The whole universe is expanding according to it nature, except for us.  We are part of the universe, but unlike all those stars and black holes out there, we have free will and the star does not.  So the universe obeys the laws of expansion from the time of the Big Bang or however it all got started. It is their way of exhibiting Divine Expansion, God revealing the Divine in the action of the universe.  But we earthling humans don't always act according to God's plan because we do have free will to ""do it my way," as Frank Sinatra sang.  He is one of the favorite singers of the current Superior General of the Paulist Fathers.  But I digress.  The only way that we earthlings will follow our purpose for divine expansion is if we have some interior prayer life that confronts our self-will.  This is more than following the rules of a religion, or asking the God of your belief to give you something.  The interior life puts aside your plans and programs for the day, to just be with whoever created you.  Let this Power, Presence act on you. It will be in your best interest, for who knows you better than the Maker?  Of course, you could eat a lot of sweets, but that would be a different expansion.  

Scolding

 If you don't do the right thing, mess up, in religion, work, or home, you often get scolded.  So you might change behavior for the moment out of guilt, shame or fear, but that does not change your insides at any depth.  This is merely dry spirituality.  It does not last.  What I like about recovery programs is that you don't get scolded.  If you mess up, you know it and suffer the consequences.  At some point the consequences energize you to do some inner work so that you have a deeper change, not from shame and guilt or even fear, but from an inner desire to become a better person.  I have benefitted greatly from people who have loved me until I could love myself.  Some of you blog readers have done this for me.  Thank you.  

Age

 When people ask me how old I am, I think to myself, do they want chronological or emotional age?  The chronology stays the same or goes upward day by day.  The emotional is all over the place depending on my spiritual condition.  When I am not in a fit spiritual condition, not exercising my spirit in prayer and service, I am emotionally still a teenager or adolescent.  I have even said to the age inquiry, that I am this age in years since birth, and then emotionally 12 years old.  I have gotten all kinds of looks and wry smiles from that response on my part.  Good health habits are an attempt to control my chronological age and good spiritual habits are used to control my emotional age.  One fellow said that he was emotionally minus one.  That is a really bad day!

Ear Buds

 I try not to judge people who I see walking on a trail or country road, with ear buds on.  Some would say, "Why are they doing that?  They are not in touch with nature.  They are isolating from the world around them."  That would be a judgment.  I have no idea of the why of ear buds.  And it is not my business.  Maybe they are listening to music that connects them even more to their surroundings.  We are all different.  Maybe they are listening to some recording that is expanding them, while at the same time getting some exercise for the body.  Maybe they are bored with walking but know it is good for them or doctor's orders.  Or whatever.  We simply do not know.  I try t simply observe people on my walk or run, and say a prayer for their happiness and well-being.  And wear a mask as well.  

Thanksgiving

 Well, Happy Thanksgiving to all those who are celebrating our USA Thanksgiving.  Though this Thanksgiving Day may be quite different for many of us in Coronavirus times, I hope for gratitude and being of service is part of my day.  Instead of getting together with my California Sister, Jane and her family, I am celebrating with the monks of the monastery where I am now staying.  Since it is my first Thanksgiving dinner with them I await their customs and food.  I will help, maybe in baking some bread which would be minor, given turkey and all the trimmings.  I hope that I don't compare and  contrast with my sister's cooking, but rather enjoy the newness of what is before me.  Expand my Thanksgiving horizons is my plan for the day.  I try to celebrate what I have and not what I do not have.  Be sober.  Be healthy.  

An Imperfect Day

 A person said to me that today is another imperfect day to enjoy.  Oh how true.  Why do things have to be perfect, go my way, for me to be happy.  Every day is imperfect if that is my criterion.  But I have the gift of the day and can just enjoy it.  This is the day before Thanksgiving in the USA.  Maybe you are making plans and feeling stressed that things won't all go as you want or hope.  Maybe you lack plans, shut down by Covid 19.  "Thanksgiving is going to be so lonely," or "So stressful," or "What is there to be thankful  for anyway."  Well, you can make your resentment list or get onto the pity-pot, and surely you will have a bad day today.  But I will try to do what my friend suggested.  I have the gift of still being around and I will not take this imperfect day for granted.  I shall enjoy it and not try to fix the universe...not today anyway.  

Branding

 HOMILY NOTES

FR. TERRY RYAN, CSP

NOVEMBER 22, 2020

MATTHEW 25: 31-46

Branding is very important and tricky in trying to sell a product.  Branding tries to connect you to a product that you will then want to buy.  Sometimes it is a song.  Remember the Alka Seltzer brand song, “Pop, pop, fizz, fizz, oh what a relief it is.”  This was a successful simple song you would remember  and with that buy Alka Seltzer rather than brand X.  The Marlboro Man, the rough, outdoor, manly man cowboy connected to smoking Marlboro cigarettes.  Tony the Tiger was a brand connection with Frosted Flakes.  The product identified with some image you would remember that would attract you to the product.  

A brand connection also defines ownership.  Cattle were branded.  Nowadays they get ear tags.  We see this on our monastery ranch with the cattle that graze.  The tags separate one animal from another in ownership identity.  A monk’s stability in a monastery is a form of brand belonging.  The monks here are part of St. Benedict’s Monastery here in Snowmass.  They belong here and not some other monastery.  The monastery is branded “Trappist” and not Dominican or Franciscan.  

I am feeling a sense of being a part of rather than separate from this monastery though I am more goat than sheep.  This Gospel challenges us here to make sure that we are not just looking for the “Second Coming” down the road in some future.  Jesus says quite plainly that he has come back in the hungry, thirsty, lonely, imprisoned, homeless and ill-clothed person.  We can find him there, and be identified or be branded as followers of Jesus by the way we connect with these people.  Will anyone look at you in your actions with the  suffering in this world and think “Oh, there is Christ in that person.” Are you a Christ brand? As I faithfully ate my Frosted Flakes because I identified with Tony the Tiger, I faithfully am branded a Christ follower by my actions.  Among the hungry and thirsty in our midst here are the Elk, Deer, and Cattle who all eat of our pastures that we work to maintain in spite of drought.  And the ditches with water to give to thirsty animals that we dredge each Spring.  

So you have to ask yourself, how will anyone know that you bear the Christ brand?  Being baptized is not on the Gospel list.  Nor is believing the correct creed, nor practicing any of a litany of devotions.  No, the list is pretty clear.  I do wish that Jesus had added caring for our home the Earth.  For if we fail to do this we will all be hungry and thirsty, and maybe worse.  So, are you branded “Christ-follower?"  Sheep or goat?

The Dead

November is the month that my religion celebrates the dead.  I don't know why we do this in November, but since November is supposed to inaugurate dark and gloomy in the Norther Hemisphere and Death kind of has a dark and gloomy thing about it, November would be a good fit.  St. Benedict, who wrote a rule for monks says that each day we should remember that we are going to die.  Well that will keep us real and rightsized.  But it is not just about physical death.  There is another dying to remember and it comes from our baptism.  Most of us in my religion got baby baptized.  That is when, to me, we began to die to being who someone else wants us to be, and forged the road to becoming who God made us to be.  That is not an easy road.  In this Thanksgiving week, there is a big hoopla about shopping, buying, spending.  The culture wants consumers.  I don't think I am my best self when I buy stuff neither I or anyone else needs or can fit into their lives.  Jobs try to make us conform to someone else's expectations  or wants.  Schools can do this.  No one is in charge, and few are really interested in us becoming who we truly are.  It is a tough thing to die to external powers trying to mold us.  Well how do we know we are becoming our best self?  We will become better lovers, with acceptance, patience, kindness, and compassion for other people, especially people who are not conforming to our desires for them, or are not part of our group, tribe or social club.  We are a work in progress.  

More Or Less

A situation occurs and I seem to accept it.  I don't get all upset and then I do the next right thing but without anxiety.  Another time, the same situation arises, and I go crazed!  What happened?  Well in the first instance, I was at peace with myself, or in a "fit spiritual condition" as some would say.  In the second case, I was out of spiritual balance, easily put on edge when the unexpected occurs or my plans get disturbed.  For me, most often, when I am bothered by something, or someone, I am not working on my prayer, meditation, spiritual reading and such.  I am not working on my insides, and so I go crazed when stuff happens.  It is not the stuff that is my problem, but in most cases it is me who is the problem.  There are times each day when I cannot afford to neglect myself.   

Mopping Up

 One of my jobs here at the monastery is to sweep and wet mop the kitchen floor every four weeks.  When IT  comes to my week, I do this task each day.  IT reminds me of my prayer life. I have to repeat my prayer practice each day.  Just like the kitchen floor, it gets messy between cleanings. I wash the floor today and by tomorrow if not by that night there are muddy prints and crumb droppings on the floor.  I have no control over muddy boots.  My prayer life is not something to be controlled.  It is to be practiced.  It is action and not attitude.  My life can so easily get muddled up from outside stuff if not thoughts and shortcomings making for murky times.  So I practice my prayer rituals each day.  As with the kitchen floor I make time for prayer.  I think everyone benefits by my being sane and serene.  

The Right Space

 Have you ever noticed that there are times when disorder seems to reign all around you?  I have.  Things are a mess and people are making the mess.  Why won’t everyone shape up?  I find later, that the problem was me.  I was not in a good space.  I was not centered within.  How do I know this?  Because when I am more centered within, connected to a deep silence that can permeate my day, the world around me seems better or maybe I am just more tolerant and compassionate and forgiving.  I cannot seem to change those around me by any criticism or even exemplary behavior on my part.  So I work on me.  I generally have a better day of acceptance of “disorder.”  I am in order.  

The Deep Darkness

When you enter into more of a prayer of oneness instead of the usual twoness, you can get disoriented.  Our separate self is our ballast.  But with this depth of prayer can come a sense of meaninglessness.  We cannot fully answer the question of why we would pursue a more contemplative life, even to ourselves much less others.  It is therefore not easy to explain to anyone, the curious, why we do what we do.  I am not even sure of the why, but I do know that it is a winding road to oneness with The Other who becomes not an Other, but more or less, depending on your experience.  Most of us prefer straight roads and surety in the straight and wide road.  That is what I call "Interstate Highway Prayer."  Contemplative prayer is more about the backwoods.  Maybe that is why I like East Tennessee and the backroads to Dollywood.   After Covid, ya gotta do Dollywood, and take the backroads.  No less than the Superior General of The Paulist Fathers loves this way to Dollywood, and he drives it like a New Yorker.  Yikes!

Abraham

Abraham is the Father of the three "Religions of the Book," Judaism, Christianity and Islam.  God told Abe to move from his land.  Abe did not know where he was going or quite what the plan was, but he uprooted himself and moved.  Most of us would not do that.  We have to know what is coming.  We want security and assurances if we are going to give up the familiar.  Sometimes we might make a move because we are miserable in our present circumstances.  Some people marry for that reason.  But even marriage in the best of circumstances is a leap of faith.  Some of our best decisions come with that leap.  Lately, coming to the monastery is such a decision.  People ask me what is my plan, or why do this.  Were things not well enough where I was?  I think of the monastery now not as an escape, but as a leap.  I have no idea what is in he future, but I sense it is right for me now.  So I like Abe and his gumption.  For some people, the belief in the existence of God is an assurance, but it is not a leap into the unknown.  Change for the better does not come with assurances.  It comes with risk.  The best relationships are risk and trust. 

Wine O'Clock

Someone mentioned to me that there is such a time as "wine o'clock," as the time to escape the feelings, anxieties and pressures that one has leading up to wine o'clock.  It is the time with which one rewards oneself for getting through something such as a day parenting, working with others in a job, accomplishing some burdensome task.  This is normal life to some people but a burden to others.  When life is a burden with no reward in sight, one makes up a reward.  The wine is the reward.  No longer is wine something that one enjoys with a meal, to enhance flavor, but rather it requires no food, and at worse, food only gets in the way.  Too much reward for a burdensome life, can lead to oblivion.  Life has its difficulties and challenges.  There is suffering at times.  I try to bring the attitude of acceptance, and see how it can be a service to others and to a better world around me, even in my small world of a monastery.  To get angry or self-pitying does not change the outsides a fig.  It only brings me closer to wine o'clock.  That was a bad time for me in the past, so I try to look upon the clock, as a gift of time.  There are no guarantees.  

Fear

Fear is when you are thinking all about you.  It is therefore called self-centered fear.  I can be fearful for someone else, but it is not quite the same as the terror about my own demise.  I might worry that loved ones are out in grizzly country.  But I am really scared witless when confronted with a grizzly myself.  You don't ask yourself at that moment why you are frightened.  It is not a time for self-reflection.  Self-centered fear is identified often by the ability to ask myself why I am frightened.  I have some energy to reflect.  That is when I see it is usually about me, what I am getting that I don't want or what I am not getting that I do want, or some other happiness program that might think you will benefit if I get what I want.  So each day I work on the things that tend to bring up self-centered fear into my life.  Dropping control is usually a good thing to ward off fear.   

The Bell

Someone imaged the soul as having a bell.  I like that.  In the Buddhist tradition which Westerners borrowed or appropriated for meditation, they use a gong or a bowl.  The gong or bowl plays one long note, rather than a tune as do some church bells.  A tune might make you think about, well, the tune.  The gong or bowl is to simply call you to attention, rather than to thinking.  So it is one long note.  Now this note strikes the bell of your soul, to play that same one note.  Do you respond instantly?  Maybe.  What gets in the way of attention, is all the clutter of thoughts and feelings and anxieties, life's clutter.  So you may not respond to the gong or bowl at that moment.  The Power or Energy of the Universe, God for me, is that one note sound.  It plays each day.  If you don't respond right away, you might respond later to the one note that came earlier in the day.  So not to worry.  If you don't respond so well early, you may do better later in the day.  Just know that someone is always paying attention to the bell of your soul, and watching over you.  The one note plays each day for you.  

Perfect

Someone said, "Perfect is a concept."  Concepts exist in the mind.  But they are not reality in the sense of the possible in everyday life.  Imperfect is reality.  If you want someone to be perfect then you are living a delusional life and disappointment will follow.  People and situations are imperfect.  We might have a goal of perfection, but I prefer to have one more realistic, which is "improvement."  When I am spiritually, and emotionally unbalanced, I get upset when people are not perfect, which is to do the right thing.  The right thing by definition is what I judge to be the right action.  I decide.  When I am out of sorts, unbalanced, I am always two things, disappointed and resentful.  No happy, joyous and free here.  I am a prisoner of the concept of perfection.  When I am living the 'Real" then I am on the spiritual path, centered on it.  Acceptance is a good response to imperfection in my world.  

A Bell

 Do you want to be like a school bell, at whose sound, all attention is sucked toward you? Or silent shyness, like a monk walking down a corridor, eyes down?  Whatever you are as a child, is your child ness.  What then is growing up?  Is it not to expand or contract from being a child?  To always be the same, what spiritual path is that?  Sameness means only that you are growing into a bigger child.  Sometimes growth is becoming smaller in an area of childhood, and sometimes becoming larger, but not the same smaller or the same larger. It is to change, to add something that was there in childhood, but not known or manifested or had yet the strength to be at all.  A spiritual path will reveal where you are stunted and where you have become fuller, the you, the best you.  

Who Am I?

 Your face can tell you who you are.  A perpetual innocent would have no creases, no eye edgeD wrinkles from many smiles and laughter. History will line us if we are involved, risk love, concern, in a word, connect with the human condition .  Because you love, worries will crease your brow.  And as you age your future is shortened.  As you age, you can look upon each day more as something unexpected, gift, a blessing one would hope.  To take time for granted is to miss out on the energy of each day, the possibilities.  Enjoy, but do not tarry with limitations.  

Basics

From time to time I hear someone say, "Let's get back to basics."  Humm.  Why did you leave the basics in the first place, so that now you have to get back to them?  Are you so advanced that you forgot how you got "advanced" in the first place?  The ego is always looking for a way to get center stage, the spotlight.  I try to keep "the basics" in the spot light, center stage, on a daily basis.  Whenever my thinking says I am advanced, I am usually on the way out of practice, rather than on the way up.   So I leave advanced to others.  I try to start each day the same way that I did when I first was climbing out of the hole I had dug in bad behavior or bad thinking, or emotional turmoil.  We do certain basics when we exercise, shop, cook, work if we want things to go well.  I have found it so.  Stay with your basics.  

Injustice

Sometimes, we do a great injustice to ourself.  Like what?  Like trying to be someone or something we are not.  Why do we do this?  Are we unhappy with who we are?  Do we judge ourselves as inadequate when in fact it is simply something that is not who we are?  I might want to be a great singer, but I am not.  It is not me in my vocal cords and voice.  I am adequate.  Adequate is me in the singing area.  I might want to be a holy priest, but I am not and time is running out.  I am OK, and do try, but it may not be me, so why beat myself up over it.  There will always be someone, legions for that matter, holier than I.  I am not going to be the physical person that I was when I was younger, so stop killing myself in exercise or on gym machines.  Do something for fitness and let it be.  So what injustice do you do to yourself?  Who are you trying to be that is simply not you.  You have gifts.  Use yours and be not envious of the gifts of others.   

Stars

 Now that it stays dark for so long into the early morning, I can go out and look at the stars at 5:30 AM after Vigils and meditation.  Two things come to mind when I look up.  I am small and insignificant.  That is one thing in two parts.  The second thing is that I am loved by the One who made all this.  So I am not so insignificant.  It becomes even more amazing to think that this Wow in the heavens would ever become a human being on this tiny rock spinning around in space. This all keeps my ego in check.  I don’t have to try to prove myself.  I am too small in this vastness to be so much, but I am loved. Would you not rather be loved than be a big deal, with lots of control and power?  Living in the country, away from lights and pollution has its benefits.  

In Sequence

In AA's Twelve Steps, I don't think the eleventh step on prayer and meditation is going to happen until Step Ten has been done first.  You won't meditate until you have ceased to fight anything and anyone.  That is Step Ten goal.  I find this axiom works for all of us, not just recovering addicts.  We need a certain peace of mind, resentment-free, if we are going to be in the now moment of meditation.  If I am just rehashing yesterday or yesteryear for that matter, I lack the energy and focus for the now moment in which meditation takes place.  The number 10 comes right before the number 11in an ordered universe.  So if I am trying something and it is simply not working, I ask myself what did I leave out leading up to the present task?  The number 11 is a numeral in something larger than itself.  I am a person in a universe larger than me, and I am not its center.   

Appearance

With Covid restrictions, I realize that I do not have to shave before presenting myself to a doctor or other one one one outside encounter.  I can look like Gabby Haz for that matter.  But it made me think.  Was I only concerned with how I looked on the outside?  What about how I present my insides in a personal encounter?  Each day, I need to work on grooming my insides at least as much as I worry about “appearances.”  There have been times when I said, “I have no time for meditation, because I got to fix my face.”  I might then present a pleasant outsides, but not be so pleasant insides, with which I burden another.  Now the quiz.  Gabby Haz was in a movie, “Red River,” starring Montgomery Cliff and another famous actor.  What is the actor’s name?  Hint. He also starred in a famous movie, “The Searcher,” in which a famous actress made her debut as a white girl brought up by Indians.  What was her name?  

Charity

 When I give some money to something that actually benefits me directly, I call it a contribution.  I contribute to things that I am a part of.  So I would contribute to my church, to a group that helps me to stay sane and balanced.  I hear people say they "donate" to their church or group.  To me, donations go to causes that help others but I do not directly benefit, such as a program that feeds the hungry or house the homeless,  for instance.  If you are in a meeting that helps you and they pass the hat, you contribute.  You don't donate.  Museums could be a grey area, but I call it a contribution if I am a member.  I benefit by going to the museum.  Members contribute.  If someone is looking for money over and above my membership, as museums and the arts do, I call it a donation.  When people send me money for my teaching or preaching, I hope it is a contribution, that they are benefitting directly from what I do.  I am not a charity, at least not yet.  

A Presence

 In my brand of belief, God is innocuous, small, quiet, but present in a little round wafer, in a box, in the chapel.  Wherever there are little boxes, called tabernacles in church-speak, in churches, there is this presence.  So sometimes, never often enough, I go in and sit down.  My churches are open all day long in most places.  It is comforting to know that it does not matter what I believe, or how skeptical I am, the presence is still there.  It does not depend on me.  I get the comfort of someone loving me, always being there for me, even if I don’t love them or give them much time.  The presence is not meant to overcome disbelief, but rather overcomes a sense of being alone and abandoned.  Covid times are tough, but as I sit there alone, I generally feel better.  If I am feeling crazed, in emotional turmoil, scattered, a quiet seems to come over me.  It is comforting to feel a bit of love, of not being alone, without my having to do anything or make anything happen.  I hope that Moms/Dads of my belief will take their little children into these quiet, and massive buildings and introduce them to the Presence in the little box.  It could be a lifesaver someday.  The world is not getting to be an easier place for sanity and serenity.  Anyhow, it is what little ole me does from time to time.  

My Guitar

I used to play the guitar in the seminary.  I would play and sing at mass.  I found that depending on the weather, temperature, and neglect I gave the guitar, it would go out of tune.  So I would have to retune it.  Life is like the weather.  It happens.  My spiritual life is like my guitar.  It needs to be kept in tune if I am to be functional and optimal.  Prayer each day keeps me in tune.  A guitar out of tune and me out of tune, grate on the world around me.  If people say to you, "You need help," or "Why don't you get your act together,"  then there is a good chance you are out of tune.  Meditation gets me back in tune.  Then I am easy listening for others.  Just like my blogs!   

The Now

I am sitting here in my monastery room, at 8,000 Feet altitude.  It is early November and I have my window open letting in the pleasant warm fresh air.  I know that in one week it will be 0 degrees here and snowing, but I don't have to live in one week from now today.  Some  people get all upset when they focus on what will be and fail to enjoy what is in the moment.  I baked bread this morning and the monks did not seem to jump into eating it.  It was OK but not more than that.  It was a Rye and I did not follow the directions exactly.  But that was this morning.  My bread is for the birds, but I don't have to live in this morning.  It is past anyway.  It will not come back.  So I can live in this moment, this pleasant walk on our ranch road, not a person in sight, no wind and no jacket or gloves.  Sun screen yes.  Always sun screen.  So if you had a bit of a failed morning, and nuclear winter is coming, why not just see what is in the moment to enjoy.  It is all we have, the moment.  Enjoy this blog, perhaps? 

Can Do

Instead of focusing on what I cannot do, which is considerable, I try to focus on what I can do.  If I am limited in my exercise for one reason or another, I do what I can do, and not judge it as "too little."  I try not to set goals for myself that are ego driven and probably impossible for me.  I do what prayer I can each day and try not to beat myself up for what I did not do.  The same with cleaning house or room.  Do something rather than bemoan how it is all so impossible and thus do nothing.  I see no good purpose in ending my day with a daily inventory filled with regrets.   Progress is in the little things done that keep me on the path to fullness.  

All Saints

 Two generations after we die, we are pretty much forgotten by this world.  But for me, I am always remembered by my God.  This gives me some comfort and direction on this Feast of All Saints Day in my church.  And the saints remember one another and we them, always.  My Mom, Dad, Big Sis Maureen, are all among the Saints for me.  So why spend so much energy on this earth doing things for which I would be famous?  It is all ego, and fear of oblivion.  Why not work rather for this God who never forgets me, and asks humility and daily faithfulness in love of those around me.  Love does not carry fame with it for most of us.  Fame is fleeting, but love somehow endures and is a lot more selfless.  Energy spent trying to be important, significant in they eyes of those who will soon pass on themselves, seems like such a s waste of time and energy.  Better to love them and let life pass.  And I hope while life is moving along, you enjoy that extra hour you get as you turned back your clocks.  You did turn back your clock, did you not?  Except in Arizona and lots of other places outside the USA.  I am enjoying a good early morning sunrise.  

Be You

 Don't strive to be someone else.  It is a waste of energy.   I am most likely to fall into this trap when I read about someone I admire who is doing admirable things, at least as I see it.  I might feel a draw, or even a guilt about doing "more" than what I am doing.  I want to do what they are doing or did.  But is it me?  I live in a monastery.  In terms of fixing the world, helping others to have a better life out there, in terms of justice, freedom and safety, I do nothing.  The world starves, is homeless, unhappy, lonely and so on.  I do nothing.  And so it goes.  But if I do something out of guilt, that will not last long.  If I do something because someone says, "I should," it won't last long.  All that lasts is being ME, the best me I can be.  I do not have to ask what is the purpose of this me.  But I do trust that the best me, the striving to be the best me, will make some contribution to the world and be attractive to someone who is trying to be their best self.  If I cannot love, forgive, care about, accept and be helpful to the person in the next room, what is the point of trying to save the world?  The ego wants to save the world.  The true self loves the neighbor they can see each day.  Happy Birthday to my sister Jane.  

Halloween!

I become a monster when I fail to recognize how little I know.  If I am not on a spiritual path daily, then I tend to be unable to "differentiate the true from the false."  This would be a form of insanity and I exhibit such insanity by making judgments about reality, your reality.  I judge others to be bad people, deeply flawed, overflowing with bad habits, or at least one bad habit that bugs my program for personal happiness.  But as someone said, "I don't know what I don't know."  I make judgments.  I categorize people as flawed, that is, flawed way more than I am.  But, when I am in a fit spiritual condition, I may have opinions pop up in my mind, or feelings well up, that are disconcerting, but I keep my mouth shut.  How I have been saved by silence!  In time, I am surprised to find out the goodness of people that was not so apparent to me in my monster state.  It can be a fine line between charitable critiquing and being a monster.  I have trouble finding that line.  But such is the life of a monster.  Happy Halloween!

Outside Honor

Worship is a way, and a rather easy one, to honor your God on the outside, your outsides.  A Buddhist can honor Buddha and one another by sitting in meditation.  Outside stuff.  But it seems to me that the wisdom teachings speak about the harder way to honor, and that is: change your insides.  Say what?  Well, in my religion, Jesus says, "Why do you call me, 'Lord, Lord,' but not do what I command?"  Spiritual paths, be there a God, or Gods or not, are fundamentally about changing one's life from self-centered to other-centered.  It is all about love.  I see a loving manner in people who say they don't believe, whereas I see an unloving manner in many people who say they do believe and worship.  I try to do both, but the harder way is the interior way.  

Hangovers

Not all hangovers are substance caused.   Some are of the emotional type.  After a big emotional turmoil, there is usually an emotional hangover.  Energy sapped.  Numbness.  The promise to not let that happen again.  But a promise is not a plan.  A plan takes work and often work with others.  A promise you make to yourself and it is filled with empty hope but no plan.  No action will be taken with a promise.  Couples promise themselves in marriage or partnership. I promised in ordination.  But without a plan of action, a promise is a lot of emotion and wishful thinking and fantasy.  You gotta work at it on a daily basis.  I thought, "Oh, I am now a priest, and everything will go well."  That was magical thinking.  My life is not a mess today, but I have a plan.  I have to renew that plan each day with action.  Otherwise?  The mess returns and picks up where it left off.  

Train Station

Spiritual journeys are a bit like waiting at a train station for a train to come.  You are not sure when it will come though you have heard that a train will stop if it sees you waiting.  The train passes by if it sees no one waiting at the station.  So the important thing is to wait.  Show up on a regular basis and be still.  Wait.  You cannot control the train, but you can control your waiting.  The more often you wait or the longer you wait, the more likely the train will come along, pick you up and take you to places you have not been.  The spiritual power is the train.  The station is where you wait in stillness and silence, with hope, faith, but not control.  You don't control the prayer, the mediation.  But you will get nowhere unless you show up.  Some have said it works like that is sobriety.  You are lucky that the sobriety train stopped to pick you up. But you have to stay on the sobriety train.  If you get off, it may not stop at your station next time you want it to.  Once found, don't take the spiritual journey for granted.  

Voting

I always vote by mail in, or drop off ballot or vote at the election board a few weeks before the election.  I am never at my voting address when election day comes around.  This time I will be in a monastery in the mountains of Colorado.  I was at my voting address for a day last month so I went to pick up a ballot to take with me.  I have time to sit and look at the issues, fewer things to vote on this year with Covid.  If I don't understand some measure, a bond issue, or local candidate choice, I can ask someone who might know.  I take voting seriously because I know that some of my blog readers live in countries where there are no real election choices, or it is very difficult to vote at all.  It is a privilege for me to be able to vote.  I vote in mid-term elections too because there are always House of Representative choices as they have two year terms.  School board, city council and judges are always the hardest.  If I absolutely remain clueless on an issue then I leave it blank.  All any of us can do is the best we can do.  

The Whole Mind

 Yesterday I gave a sermon on the Great Commandment, which is basically love God with all you got and love your neighbor too.  Well I don’t do either.  You might have my problem.  I cannot love God with my whole mind, because my mind is filled up with resentments, complaining thoughts and judgments about the behaviors of other people.  Like what?  Well for years, 48 I believe, I have lived in community with men.  They lack the perfection I think they ought to have.  They use up the last of some food and never write anything on a grocery list.  They use up the last tissue and leave the box empty instead of going to get a replacement.  They don’t screw the lid on properly on a jar.  I have picked up jars by the lid and the whole jar crashed on the floor while I held nothing but the lid.  They don’t wrap food properly so as to keep it from spoiling in storage.  So God gets only a “piece of my mind,” and that piece is complaining that God does not shape up these people.  Imperfection reigns in shopping, on the street, in traffic, at work and so on.  But a friend of mine reminded me that “perfection” is a concept.  It is not reality.  The real is human and it is imperfect.  So I am learning acceptance.  I am learning to see humans as a Grace for me.  They are a check on myself.  How am I doing in communal living?  Am I loving or muttering?  I cannot change anyone else and am not in this world to change others.  I am here to be changed.  So I try and practice silent tongue and still mind.  In prayer and around the house I work on this.  I want to give God my whole mind, heart, and all my inner self.  I want to be happy joyous and free!  How about you?

Not Complicated

The spiritual life, as some have said, is not complicated, but it is difficult.  It is not complicated because it has few parts, but it is difficult because we tend to make mistakes in the few parts.  You don't have to believe in a god to have a spiritual life, though I have found it helps me.  Simply don't pay attention to our mind/imagination/thoughts, and have no goal such as being comforted or feeling good whatever feeling good is to you.  Basically ignore yourself in your head and have no goal in any effort.  Stop being busy. You sit, walk slowly, lie down and ignore you.  The difficulty is that we cannot seem to stop, sit, and ignore ourself for any while.  So what!  Try again.  Keep trying on a daily basis and you will get the hang of it.  What is so spiritual about ignoring you?  The "YOU" that is constantly focused upon is always surface, and somewhat fleeting in agenda.  There is a deeper you that simply waits for an opening to reveal itself.  There is a power there in the deeper you that will make you a better person in nonmaterial ways.  That would be the "spiritual life."  

The Feast

 I like having routines in my day because then I don’t have to spend a lot of time reinventing a schedule.  It allows me to concentrate on prayer in the routine.  Think of when you go on a holiday or tour.  You are out of your routine and find that you spend what was your prayer time and energy on figuring out and planning your day, your schedule for new events, places and times to eat and so on.  You pray less on these excursions.  So prayer is like a feast to which you are invited.  Someone else has planned the meal, set the table, cooked and served.  That is like routine.  All you have to do is show up and enjoy the feast of food.  If you were the cook and host, you would be concerned with many things, like on a vacation.  Make prayer the feast of spiritual food that it can be.  Have daily routines.  It works for me.  

Filler Upper

Why do many people in their 20s want something big and exciting to happen in their life?  I suggest that it might be because they are empty inside and this is the "Filler Upper" whatever the exciting thing is they are looking for.  It might be marriage, a career move, an advanced degree, falling in love, or LSD, or whatever they ingest nowadays.  When I was in my 20s I did not know I was empty on the insides.  I was "unfulfilled" maybe, or sometimes bored, or thought my life meaningless, but it did not occur to me that outside stuff would not fill the inside.  I entered seminary/religious life when I was 29.  This was my ticket to happiness!  Wrong, but sometimes, we make a good decision but for a wrong reason.  It was the best I could do to fix me.  It did not fix me.  But God works with whatever we give God and so I stumbled along being of some use to others.  Fortunately, no big deal was made of my ordination by my group. There were 9 of us, too many to focus all the attention on any one or two like we do today.  Plus, I don't think anyone from my parish came to the ordination.  My homilies were kind of fluff, though kids liked them.  I could aways connect with kids, maybe because I had not grown up yet.  But eventually, I spoke three of the best words ever and it was a miracle.  I NEED HELP!  And help came to me.  Today, I still stay in touch with help.  I am not doing life under my own power.  And kids still like my homilies, though they will have to come to a monastery now to hear them.  

Research

 Research is something that we do when we are trying to deal with our problems as we see them.  We experiment in our research to find more peace, happiness, less loneliness, and sadness.  We experiment with people, jobs, places where we live, as in moving from one place to another, education degrees, buying stuff, drugs, alcohol, sex and food. It is all research on the outsides and it never works to fill us up.  Why?  The problem is not with the outsides.  It is on the insides.  It is ME!  I am the problem that I am trying to avoid.  Well, if this is so, then how do I begin to shift from outside stuff to work in my insides? I think willingness is a start.  I won't do anything if I am not willing.  How does one become willing?  For most, it is a case of desperation.  One becomes willing to work on the insides instead of killing themselves, which is what they were doing, slowly, with their outside solutions.  Once you are willing, all kinds of outside help presents itself to give us the courage to work on the insides, one day at a time.  Friends of mine have found it so, and they taught me.  

The Time

 In the Book of the Bible, in my Bible, called Ecclesiastes, in Chapter three, it talks about the right time for everything.  Everything has a time.  There is a time to be silent and a time to speak.  It fits me.  I have spoken, or spoken too much, when it was not my time.  I either get ignored or the subject gets changed.  I have spoken when my opinion had not the silence to be sufficiently thought out.  Now, in the monastery, I find it is time to be silent.  Not 24 hour a day hermit silent, but it is a time for me, a good time for me, to be more silent.  As we enter into the winter months here in the mountains, it does seem to quiet down overall in the monastery.  Of course, Covid helps, as we have no visitors.  I can still do Zoom talks from my monastery.  Has the Coronavirus given you a time for silence that fits you at this point in your spiritual program?

Strange Maxims

 Well, Ladies, Girls, Women, what say you about some maxims, true or false.  First, in this country a maxim is that a girl who does not like sports has eliminated half the population for marriage.   Men who like sports avoid women who don't like sports.  But a second maxim is that if the woman can cook then the sport man likes her because he can watch sports while she cooks.  Do any of my women blog readers have experience with this?  But to go on, what if a woman likes sports. Does she find a non-sport man an attractive marriage partner?  And what if he cannot cook either?  Are cooking and sports grounds for annulment?  I am a priest of unfathomable ignorance in these areas.  What say the ladies?  Is this all crazy?  

Like A Stream

 There is a proverb that says a good heart is like a stream that in the hand of God can be moved in whatever direction God chooses.  I like that image.  The stream follows the contour of the land.  The only time it breaks away is when there is an earthquake or a major deluge of rain.  The earthquake reforms the banks of the stream and the rain causes the water to over flow the banks.  To stay a stream in God's hand I must not let the little things of life become earthquakes or deluges.  I must keep some emotional equilibrium.  Some circles would call it emotional sobriety.  My will always overflows God's will when I am afraid, angry, judgmental because of what someone did in relation to me, and resentful over and over.  Then I become like destructive waters.  So I need to practice a spiritual program of some silence and stillness each day.  If not, then my heart becomes like a flying kite that is attached to nothing.  It just goes hither and yon, singular and isolated from anything and anyone.  

Zoom Look

 Why do you worry what you will look like on zoom video?  I suppose if you are trying to sell a product you want to look good so as to enhance whatever you are selling.  If you are trying to teach about spiritual growth but you look like a wreck then people might think you don’t look very spiritual.  Yikes!  That’s me. OK, I used to worry about what I looked like on screen, but then I realized I did not have much to work with. Upon further reflection I realized that it is a lot about vanity and what people might think of me.  Well, people are not thinking much about me or how I look.  That is just my grandiose projection.  People don’t pay as much attention to us as we might think.  And vanity is all about a self-rating system.  Compare and contrast.  Be happy you are alive and have wi if to connect with he outside world, far and wide.  And let us not make judgments about how other people look on screen.  

Over-Talk

 I wonder if the reason that so many Catholic grade school children drop out of the church or drift off from sacraments, is because they experienced their religion as over-verbalized and under-experienced.  They parade into the school mass, go to assigned seats, with their teacher’s eye balls on the back of their neck, and act attentive, or else.  Then they hear lots of words about stuff, God, Jesus, Church, Rules, Doctrine, but experience in the heart not so much.  My best experiences of God always seemed to come when I searched and usually alone rather than with any group.  If not alone, then in more singular moments, the hoped for but unexpected experience.  It would happen when I would visit a quiet church or walk in a wood, or park.  Maybe a moment when I was serving mass as a altar boy, a quiet, weekday mass without fanfare.  The monastery has so many of these quiet, singular moments.  Or a one on one encounter with another person, maybe when I would go to anoint a sick/dying person and no one was around to watch.  Experiences can never be coerced.  

Pleasure

 I had been asking myself what is my purpose here in the monastery?  Why all this centered meditation, this deep prayer?  Where is it supposed to take me?  In other words, what is God’s plan?  What is the work down the road?  All for naught, this wondering and wandering in mind.  I realize that I am here in prayer to give God pleasure.  It is not about getting spiritually fortified so that I can go on to do some work later for humankind or the Church.  That would be a work that would give me pleasure by its accomplishment.  It would be ego satisfying and therefore a bit about Self.  But to pray simply to give God pleasure is a more selfless life.  Even if I might at times feel dry in prayer, or it seems tedious, that is just from my side.  It is still giving God pleasure and that is always a sufficient reason to pray.  

Is To Ought

I try to live a spiritual life that will bring me from what I am to what I ought to be, or from is to ought.  I don't mean ought in a guilt-ridden sense, but in the sense of becoming what my unique gifts and talents call me to be, the individual God created.  Potential is just that until you live it.  When I look at the practices of other religions that is what I ask.  Not so much is it true in dogma and doctrine.  What do they do?  What do they practice that brings them from is to ought?  I ask this of course from my own religion.  I can get stuck in safe routines, staying in a comfort zone.  Many a believer looks for just such a parish to call their own.  They like the safe routines and not being asked to do things that challenge their comfort zones.  They want their faith and practice to have a certainty, which of course is neither faith nor very challenging toward growth.   They would be upset if the mass schedule changed.   In this Coronavirus time our routines have changed.  So ask yourself what can you do or learn from this that will move you from is to ought.  The virus has messed up the "IS."  But not the "OUGHT."

Living To Being

When we die we cease living but we do not cease being.  Living is all about this earth which is why we should be concerned with it and with one another.  The Hebrew scriptures are about living well in this life.  A lot of people of religion today focus on God and themselves but are not much concerned about God's creation, which is God's joy.  It is a private religion bent on getting to heaven where they will live the good life forever.  But living is for here.  After we die, we cease to live.  We can not make the world a better place after we die.  But we do go on being.  We don't cease to exist.  But being is not the same as living so I drop the idea of a better version of myself in heaven.  So can we access some sense of "being" here while we live?  I think so and I suggest it is in a more contemplative life, those moments when we say, "I just am" or maybe the prayer is so deep we are not even aware of that.  If you cannot just be with yourself then how are you going to "be" after you die?  The constant demand for diversion, entertainment, activity certainly does not prepare us to "BE."  But while I live I will try to be concerned about God's creation including other people.   

Columbus Day

Yesterday was Columbus Day.  It made little impression on most of you, unless of course you are Canadian, because it was Thanksgiving Day.  For the rest of us it was work as usual, or whatever usual is in Covid times.  Not so when I was a little boy in Catholic School in the Bronx.  Columbus Day was a day off from school.  I was made for play and treats, not learning.  So I loved Columbus as did my schoolmates.  The nuns got the day off too so they could pray more and be quiet in their semi-cloistered life.  And not be bothered by a class of 65 hoodlum-to-be-boys.  The best thing about Catholic school was the days off.  Public schools were in session.  So we Papists got the parks and ball-fields to ourselves.  Plus, we got out early one afternoon a week so that our classrooms could be used by the Catholics in public school for their catechism.  Of course, they had little chance of going straight to heaven, what little catechism they learned.  Well, the Catholic church is struggling now, but that is what it gets for relying on kids like me to be the future.  And New York City had parades too!  There was a Columbus Day parade so I guess a lot of adult Catholics were off too so they could march.  It was all so much fun before the historians revisited Christopher and he has taken a big hit in the last few years.  And for Catholic kids, it is just another day at school.  

Heart Open

 A lot of people like their religion to be clear.  Clarity of mind gives such people great comfort.  That is why they focus on catechisms, doctrine and dogma.  In my religion they have catechism answers to who Jesus is.  But this does not mean they have open hearts.  Why?  Because for many a clear-minded believer Jesus looks just like they do.  If I remind them that he was Jewish, probably brown skinned, a rather noticeable nose, and probably short, they would say no, that is not Jesus, unless of course, that is exactly their profile.  We tend to define God to suit ourselves, do we not?  God has little room to be God in our clear-headed thinking.  Lots of people in my church say they long for Christ, but that does not mean that they would accept him should he show up.  Should I ever see God, I suspect it will be a big surprise.  

Looking Back

 It is a great gift to be able to look back without regret about something I did.  Why?  My past might be helpful to someone who has not yet done whatever it is that I did.  They might be in a similar situation that is the same as mine was in my past.  If I can share with them my experience, it might be helpful to them so they do not make the same mistake or do the bad behavior that I did.  But if I regret the past, still filled with shame and guilt and any other painful feelings, I may not want to share it, and therefore will not be a possible help to this other person.  Some of my past is still wrong, a mistake, a bad thing but I don't have live in perpetual misery over it.  I cannot change it.  So I have learned to deal with my past and get it to where the negative can be a positive from my experience for someone else, maybe a younger person.  My past, the good, the bad, and the ugly, have made me what I am today.  What I am today is totally insufficient and useless for some people, but that is not my side of the street.  Maybe this blog helps someone.  

Do Better Prayer

I find that a lot of time I praise God in Choir song and then ask for stuff, as if I am deprived of something.  I call this prayer, "God you are good (praise), now please do better."  All summer I have been praying for rain and complaining that we are in a drought.  I forget that we do indeed have water and are not in danger of burning down.  This came to me when we received a letter from an Abbot, about the situation at the monastery in Oregon.  One, they are five miles from two fires.  Two, they have no water.  It is not that they lack water.  They have no water.  They have to bring in tankards of it, and that is $$$.  Apparently, over the years, vineyards were planted around their property and the vineyards used highly technical equipment to dig deep into the aquifer and get the water that used to go to the monastery.  Never once, all summer, did I thank God for the water we do have to eat, wash, drink and water some of our fields.  So I am going to try and stop the "God, do better " prayers and thank God for what I do have.  I think it is OK to ask for stuff, but maybe do the thank you list first.   

Take The Body

 Action goes before thought in many a good circumstance.  For instance, if I think about exercising I won't do it or will postpone it until my mind gets around to a "yes".  So I just exercise.  I don't think about it.  After the exercise I feel good and the mind then says, "Oh, this is a good idea."  Sit down to study.  Don't think about studying.  Don't think about visiting the dentist or doctor.  Call and make an appointment.  Then the mind will be glad that the body did the action. Call a friend.  Don't think about it. In bad things, it is the opposite.  If you act first, have "just one drink" and then think about it later, much later, for too many of us, you will regret action before thinking.  My mind seems to know many bad things and avoids them, though not all.  But for good things, my mind needs to deliberate, endlessly, even if it will finally decide for a "YES!"  By then it might be too late for the good thing.  

Time

One monk said that what we give God is our time.  Time is the common denominator that each monk gifts to God in their belief system.  Some monks meditate more, some work more, some read more than other monks and so on.  But they all give the one gift that each of them share: time.  Time is not ours, but is really a gift.  Suicide cuts the gift short, as does poverty,  addiction and loneliness.  But wealth does not guarantee anything.  So the vocation of the monk is to give their God time as a very basic gift.  Whatever time they will have left on this earth, they will live it in their individual ways in a monastery.  So I don't think so much about how I am using my time, but rather that it is given to God here in this place for however long I am here.  And how about you who are not a monk?  Time is your received gift.  To whom and how do you give it as a gift?  "I have no time for you, or this/that," is a phrase we often hear and can cut deeply if someone won't give us any time.  How much time for a spiritual practice? Connecting with friends and family? Physical activity and sleep?  And so it goes.  Knowing that God has all my time here, I do not fret about wasting time. 

Feeling Invisible

If you feel ignored, invisible, or overlooked, my religion might be just right for you.  There is a story where a fellow named Nathanael, out of curiosity, comes from sitting under a tree, and approaches Jesus in another part of town.  Jesus says that he saw Nathanael sitting under the fig tree.  But Jesus was no where in sight of the tree or Nathanael when he was sitting under it.  Well, this gets Nathanael's attention and he begins to follow Jesus.  Why? Maybe because Nathanael, like many of us, was feeling ignored and invisible to the world around him.  Jesus is saying you are never invisible or ignored by Jesus.  Now if Jesus is truly Risen and Alive, as Christians believe, then you are never invisible or unimportant to him.  You are never nobody to Jesus in my religion.  I keep this in mind during these Covid times of separation and living at a monastery.  Sometimes I wonder if I have been forgotten by the world out there.  Certainly I am ignored.  Who bothers to think about a guy living in a mountain monastery.  We all have other more pressing issues.  But I know that Jesus is with me.  Of course, when I am bad, this can be a problem.  So I had better be good.  

Care Packages

 Someone asked for my address for care packages to "Heal" my wound.  Eureka!  My wounded nose will be lightly pressed to the window pane looking for the UPS or Fed Ex truck. The address is: Terry Ryan, St. Benedict's Monastery, 1012 Monastery Road, Snowmass, CO 81654.  Am I shameless? Apparently.  But hopefully, lovable.  

Mohs

 I just had Mohs surgery.  It is the fourth one on my face.  I may audition for the next remake of a Frankenstein movie.  Anyhow, it was right near my eye, on my nose.  So no stitches.  Pressure bandage for now.  Rest. Get fat and happy.  But for now, not so happy but doing ice and Tylenol.  I am paying the price for having Irish skin but spending way more time in the sun than I was meant for.  I used to think that a tan would make me beautiful and attractive to the girls. Instead, well, we have Frankenstein.  I guess a monastery is a good place to be when healing from skin surgery to the face.  And Covid makes us even more remote and isolated.  While I have more time now to pray for your spiritual well-being, you might consider care packages for a healing holy man.  That would be me.  Wear sunscreen and more rather than less clothes.  I just took a Tylenol.  Nightly night!

Whose Eyes

 If you always see yourself through the eyes of another, that could limit how you see yourself.  For instance, if a person of color always see themselves through the eyes of a white person, it might give them a limited notion of who they are, their value, worth and so on.  I might not be able to change the way people see me, but I can change the way I see myself.  If I wake up and say I am worthless, because someone else thinks that about me, then I am not going to have a very good day, and might act out this view of me.  I like my spiritual path because it says that I am worthwhile, precious and loved, even while I am asleep.  So when I wake up, even if no one would be reading my blogs, I am thankful before I get out of bed, for the love I am receiving.  Then I am more likely to get up and act lovingly and be of service to others because I value myself and them.  So if you say you are no good, through whose eyes did you learn that?  

Hidden Intention

 I can rather easily see what someone is doing or failing to do.  I can observe behavior, and of course then make a judgment about the behavior and the person.  What I do not notice is the intention behind the action or lack of action of the person I am observing.  So if you are thinking of taking punitive action or opening your mouth with a complaint, judgment, or accusation, you might first ask why someone acted the way that they did.  I usually say, "I notice that...I am wondering why you do that?"  They may not even have noticed whatever you say they did.  So if a child does not make their bed or brush their teeth, you might ask why, before you consider punitive action.  Motive and intention are hidden.  Only action is observed.  Sometimes people just forget.  Sometimes, it is such a long-standing habit, they do not even think about it.  This comes up when a married couple or partnership begin to live together.  For me, the better thing is just to keep my mouth shut around the monastery or in a rectory.  When intentions are revealed they can surprise me.  That, and I have given up hope in monks and priests.  

A Pardon

 You don't forgive or pardon another person who has done you an injustice so that they will do better or change for the better.  Generally, when you protest, or demand justice, the perpetrator stays the same.  For one thing, they don't see it at all your way.  So the reason I pardon another person is to heal the wound in my own heart.  You know when you have truly forgiven because you can feel your heart change to a more peaceful tenor.  I am not saying there is no place for anger, but don't expect it to change people who are treating you with an injustice.  Sometimes a person will have a change of heart who has been hurtful, but that takes time.  Maria Goretti forgave her killer as she was dying from his knife wounds.  He went to jail. Eventually, he saw the error of his ways.  He was present at her canonization.  Of course she was dead.  You don't always last long enough to see the fruits of forgiveness.  But I feel that you will know the results of your rage and anger rather more quickly, and it may not be so positive as you expected.