Restless

 To be restless is an invitation to prayer.  It is a signal feeling.  It demands the discipline of turning inward in some way.  Evil is on the outside, that is, we have not yet done any stupid action in response to this restless feeling.  The outsides are trying to tell the insides what to do and this is not good.  The need for discipline is because the heart is not so noisy as to shout out, “Pay attention!”  That would come after we have done something stupid, like get drunk or spend money we don’t have, or enter a relationship that is not good for us.  Being uncomfortable in this restlessness is just part of life.  The quote, “Be still and know that I am God.”  Or “Accept the things I cannot change and change the things I can.”

The Field

 Meditation is like a fruit that grows and ripens in a field that is cared for.  The field can get cluttered up with things that are not part of good soil, such as rocks, branches from nearby trees or trees in the field.  And when a tree no longer bears fruit it can be removed, like a work that is no longer productive.  Meditation seems to guide me, with its Power, God, giving direction as to what is next.  I must be patient but work daily, as the farmer must work the field though the fruit ripens in its own time.  

Distractions

Do I water my heart with schedules and distractions?  My heart is like a plant that needs to be properly nourished.  Prayer does this.  Distractions and schedules choke it.  Yesterday was one of those days when I did my routine morning prayers at about 3:30 PM.  And there was so much stuff that I let get in the way.  It was my choice rather than a must do thing.  I feel spiritually parched.  But today is another day and I let the past be the past.  Live in the present with its opportunity.  

The Storm

Many people give up on God belief or Higher Power belief because they were frightened and asked God to bring the calm, or solve the issue.  “Save me!”  But it is always on their terms.  “God, make it stop now!”  It does not stop.  The fear remains and they think God has abandoned them or there is no God.  But it never occurs to them that God is with them, but the message is to “ride out the storm.”  They were never alone.  They only felt alone.  Feelings ruled their faith.  To ride out the storm is to make us stronger.  God has a plan.  It is just not our plan at times.   

Monotony

 Prayer can be monotonous.  Why?  So as to give us to the practice of persistence.  Persistence is the answer to any hidden cross we carry in our prayer life.  If you do things only when you feel like doing them, you will get little done.  Prayer, and recovery can be pleasing and interesting, but just not always.  Not much growth if we only do things when we want.  A relationship with God is not always satisfying.  God is not in your life to fill up your feelings or imagination.  God is in your life to change you for the better.  If God suffered monotony when I don’t change, then I would be in a very bad way.  So if God can put up with our indifference, tepidness, and lack of faith, then I think we can put up with a little less whoopee in prayer.  

The Focus

  A pre-occupation with self-fulfillment will not work because when the self is the center it never feels self-fulfilled.  “More” is its mantra.  It is similar to the drinking alcoholic.  More is never enough.  The very idea of denying the self seems counter-intuitive.  Having less goes against the grain for the self.  Prayer for this self-focus person is about getting something.  God becomes the “Getter God.”  The relationship with a Higher Power God only lasts as long as you get what you want.  The Self is not a giver or a lover, except to the self.  I try to make my prayer a relationship and one of surrender on my part of any program for happiness my self might have conjured up for me.  

Out Loud

 Fear is what keeps us from living our faith out loud.  We say that it is private and we don’t want to bother anyone with our beliefs.  Or we think that everyone should decide for themself.  Yes, but they could use a bit of guidance or example, or a way to follow.  A person in addictive recovery is supposed to proclaim by practice which is rather public when you refuse some drink or drug at an event.  Or when you begin to act in a whole new saner way than you used to, as in less selfish or angry or whining.  If you worship with a congregation you don’t have to sneak out so no one knows.  Live a bit out loud.  

The Diamond

 A home group or congregation is like a Diamond.  A. Diamond sparkles in many different ways, but it is still the one diamond.  The gathering of the group is to keep the sparkle in the diamond of the group.  Each member brings out a a bit different shining.  Differences but all good and all having a common keepness.  The diamond became a diamond because something died and was crushed.  All seemed buried and in darkness but eventually discovery.  My prayer life and spiritual practice is to keep me as my shining part of the diamond, the people who journey with me.  

Maureen

 Today is my Big Sister’s birthday.  A good day to remember a wonderful person.  She stopped celebrating at 64.  She died.  She missed a lot of stuff, good stuff.  Grandkids growing up and now getting married.  One grand child is engaged.  Maureen never met her as the grandchild was not born yet.  I hope they remember grandma at the wedding celebrations.  I called Maureen “Sis” probably because I could not talk very well.  She was my only sis as later siblings had not come along yet.  I used to preach stories about her but that only made her more popular than me.  So I gave that up to spare my fragile ego.  I hope that she is praying for me to go to heaven.  But since I was a little brat and spoiled, so she says, she might not want eternity with me.  This lifetime was enough.  But saints forgive, so I am betting on her good behavior in the prayer department.  Hi Sis!

Stars

 In our Western culture we often act as if we are separate stars unto ourself.  Each star is different and separate.  Each star sustains itself.  One star does not try and sustain another.  But in fact we are also a part of a constellation.  We are more than a separate star unto ourself.  Stars share matter that at one time was all one.  The Bang made a separation but in fact there is still a connection.  A constellation is part of a galaxy and so on.  We are all connected.  A spiritual life challengers a sense of separation.  There is always a WE made up of I, you, them.  

The Rain

 It rains on everyone.  The rain does not decide to rain only on selfish, inconsiderate, or clueless persons.  It rains on the good and the bad.  I need my love to be like the rain.  Don’t judge but love,  OK, judge but still love.  God loves everyone.  Well, sometimes I think God has bad taste.  But that is the challenge of “love your enemies.  Love those who hate you.”  Maybe they need love too?  Maybe they are having a bad day, or bad life?.  I get on the bus and some young person is sitting in a senior seat glued to their cell phone.  I wish them dead.  But maybe they need love too?  So I ask my God to give them what they need.  I usually have a better day as well.  

Outside Eyes

I found myself recently trying to do too much with too little time.  Why did I not say, “I can only do this now, but not that.”  Because I was trying to do things for ‘outside eyes.’  I was doing it to please others.  They already like me and appreciate what I am doing.  They have no expectations of my doing EXTRA.  I run a weekly meeting.  I bake treats.  I stress myself out to bake when I really have not the time today.  The meeting does not require treats.  Is this blog for outside eyes? No.  It is to remind me that I need a meeting! 

Apology

 A good apology is ruined by excuses.  Apology allows for honesty, courage and humility.  All good things.  Excuses cover up the truth.  To contact someone, a boss, colleague, partner,  with a legitimate reason, out of your control, for being late is one thing.  To walk in and give an excuse because you don’t want to face square the real reason for tardiness.  The truth of irresponsibility, selfishness and laziness is usually covered up with an excuse.  Apology allows us to more honestly face the truth.  If we don’t pay the consequences now, we will pay down the road.  I have found it so.  

The Not So Real

 We know we are living a lie when we tend to turn reality into sugar.  You did really bad behavior in some past event or time.  But memory of it says, “Oh, that was not so bad,” or “That really was fun,” or “That was not my fault.”  Why sugar some bitter time in the past with memory?  Because we want to repeat it.  As bad as it was, it gave us something we wanted or avoided something we do not want, such as a feeling.  Some of us do bad behavior to avoid loneliness.  Early in a bad drinking career, we think it was not all that bad, so we repeat it.  Or we admit it was bad but there were circumstances that we will avoid the next time.  We won’t drive drunk.  We will only drink this or that. And so it goes.  Too much sugar can kill you.

Barely Living

We can live without living.  It is often our way to avoid pain.  To avoid the pain of poverty one had known when younger, they might work so hard as to lose a love that was once theirs.  Work draws all the attention.  Life goes too fast for love.  It is love that will slow you down.  An alcoholic is alive, but not really living.  They drink to avoid pain and they lose what love they had.  Love slows us down.  If you practice the spiritual life it must be for love and not to avoid pain.  The spiritual life will be for love if there is a growing relationship.  You know it is growing because you become less about yourself and more about others.  Foxhole prayers are just another way to avoid pain.  They are not relationship with a Power that is Love.   

The Garden

 Love is a garden, I was told.  We have to keep working at it.  When I see a beautiful garden like our San Francisco Arboretum, I am well aware of how much work it takes to make it what it is.  A beautiful love takes work.  Even messy love takes work to deal with the mess.  Someone told me that they love AA.  It is a Recovery Program for Alcoholics.  They love it because they work at it.  If I say I love the spiritual life, it is because I work at it.  There are times when it seems so much work, bother, time-consuming, and it is those times that I must especially pay attention.  Absence of feeling does not mean absence of love.  It means get out of myself.  Gardeners are not selfish people.  

In Between

Where is God?  Well, one place I have found God in action is that space between outside stimulus and  response.  Stuff happens.  People say and act as they do.  That is outside stimulus.  How do I react? Anger, resentment, revenge, whining, self-pity, are all responses in which there is no space for God.  The stimulus and my reaction are bing-bing.  But when I pause, that is God at work.  I may feel a response for a moment.  Feelings happen.  But action need not follow if God gets some space.  This is why I need a spiritual practice in the morning, early.  

The Script

 Why do I get angry, resentful or upset at what someone says or does?  I have come to realize that on some days and occasions, I have gotten up and written a script for how the day should go.  People have their lines to speak and their actions to perform according to the script.  Unfortunately, they don’t read the script.  They say and do things free of my program for my happiness.  So, I am really the director of a fantasy play.  I am the only one in it.  Even God has opted out.  

Trees

 There is a non-profit in San Francisco, “Friends of the urban Forest.”  They plant trees in neighborhoods in tandem with City and neighborhood approval.  One objection to having a tree planted in front of one’s home or business is that they will never live to see the tree grow to full bloom.   But that is not the point.  We don’t plant slow growing trees for ourselves alone.  We plant them for those who will follow us.  Recovery people and people in religious building refurbishing and expansion don’t so much think everything they do is for the present.  Recovery meetings are kept going, functioning, not just for the present membership but for those who have not yet entered the door.  The same with places of worship, and monuments.  

The Whisper

 Grace, that spiritual Power, energy, gift to the heart, does not shout out for our attention.  Grace respects our will to accept or reject.  So grace comes as a whisper.  This is why we need to have meditation in our life.  It is a prayer of quiet, so that we can be open to that whisper who will energize us in a direction for our good and those around us.  Grace gets us out of ourself by getting into ourself first.