Clinging

God is trying to detach me from my deadly grip on my insecurities.  I read about mystical deaths and they sound so wonderful.  Yet they are not so wonderful to experience.  Example: at times, many times, I want external recognition, which is approval of my spiritual course that I am on. This would feed my security wants.  Yet, I need to let go of results, approval, a time line because these are about me.  And what if I am not on the correct course as God wills, but rather on my course that God does not will?  One of the ways that I trip myself up is when I have a beautiful (I felt good) mediation, on a morning, and then the next morning I eagerly show up to have the same good feeling of "mystical union!"  And it is BLAH.  Nothing but distraction, fantasy, plans for the day, worries about how something did or will turn out that I am doing or will do, and so on.  There is the saying, "Let go and let God" but this is easier said than done by one like me.  Can you actually show up to prayer, or service for that matter, with no expectations, or at least detached from them?  Is there an easier and softer way?  Apparently, not for me.