Thursday, June 8, 2017
The First Day
I celebrate today because many years ago I had a drink in Vienna. Why celebrate that? Because I have not had another one since and only had that one beer, a miracle in itself for me. Today, would never have happened if I had not picked up the phone about 18 months before this Vienna evening. Back then it was going to be my last day, or the first day of a new way of living. I did not want any more of the pain of my past/present life, but was scared of my solution. It was one of the few times that fear kept me around to tell this tale. I made a call for help, and made a second call to a friend because I did not think it a good idea to be with me, alone. Alone, I had made too many destructive decisions. Sanity was breaking in on a party gone stale. I had many happy and fulfilling moments before all this. Some would say I was successful in what I did. But it was never enough. My dark side just would not stay away. I had a self-destructive side that disguised itself as "fun." But grace got me through that day and many more since. Grace Power. I have trudged this new way of life, except for the Vienna beer, and it has not been easy. Vienna taught me the "cravings." You see, wherever I go, I go with me. On my good days, I see that I am about to act like a jerk, but grace power intervenes and I do not reveal my silliness to those around me. I may think like a jerk, but do not act like one. Bad days, I am on display in all my messiness. But since that day long ago, I don't do the behavior that almost killed me. For some reason, always uplifting, many people seem to like to be with me. Some even think I am a spiritual guide, a support to their efforts to be better persons. I used to think they had a low bar for friends, but I have come to realize I am a lot better than my crazy mind thinks. Well, it can keep me in humility. And honesty has helped me. If I get any more honest in these blogs, all the holy people will stop reading me. Maybe you are just struggling enough, that I can be of some service to you in this missive.