I liked to drink. It allowed me to live pretend reality, and escape the real world in which I lived. Scratch below the surface of any serious drinker and you will find fear, anxiety and beneath that probably depression. Who wants to drag that stuff around in their consciousness and emotional life? Not me. My world of pretend was my solution to living. I even meditated in my world of pretend. I really did meditate, but I did not change for the better. I had good qualities. I could be compassionate, kind and well, nice, but these were islands of respite in my world of pretend. I could be a successful worker at times, but not day after day. I could run several miles at a time in working out. None of these good things were my solution to living. They did not drive away or evaporate the underlining discontent and restlessness. One day, and now, every day, I decided that I alone had no solution to my dilemma. Didn't I have God in all that mediation and church going? Yeah. I let God in the door, but then I climbed out the window to go howl!