This connection, and its desire to be helpful from a center within me, carried on until I came to the monastery. Here I thought I would deepen my spiritual life and get renewed somehow. Instead, I became bored. The prayer was dry, the weather was cold and dreary. The work was dull. I wanted to go back to the parish, to work, to being helpful. "Why am I here?" I whined to myself. I have learned to make no changes when bored. Don't change spouses, jobs, or geography.
In time God began to make things more clear. It came with opening myself to the more contemplative way of prayer, even if bored. Boredom was the emotion, or presenting issue. But what was the content? What was going on? The answer is that anxiety had taken over my unconscious, my soul. I was afraid of being forgotten, being unimportant, being ignored. "They will forget me in the parish," I feared. This is my dark side out of which I can act helpful, that is, do go things, but the motive, the energy center is fear. Usually whining is a sign that I am doing good things, but not from a good place. There is no positive energy, so I get tired, cranky, difficult.
I am in a better place now, but it has been a rough several weeks. The monastery is the right place to be for now. Here I am not important. I am not necessary. I can let go of my need to be important, wanted, popular, in my work as a priest, outside the monastery. Detachment is beginning to give me a calm and peace. And I feel so silly worrying about such stuff. I can laugh a little now, at myself, but it was not so funny for several weeks here.
I am writing this blog to make things clear to myself, and if it helps someone that is fine. But even if no one reads it, I am still loved by God and important to God and that gives me peace. I don't have to knock myself out to be loved, to be important, to be needed. I am enough for God. Now I can go back to being helpful from a center of Love. I am at my best then. I am all God made me to be. Transformation? Well, that is for another blog.