Meritless

Yesterday I was so bored at this monastery. How much longer will I be here? I even thought of going to a movie! My meditations were a wandering mind, or a dozing off. God must want me elsewhere!

This morning I woke up a bit later than I planned. I put the heat packs on my back. My legs ached. I did not get to do all the pre-Vigil physical exercises/stretching that I usually do, so that I can sit comfortable and listen to psalms. As I sat in choir at the Vigils, 4:30 AM, I could not get comfortable. "I will not stay after vigils for my half hour meditation," I told myself. "I am sore. I will get coffee, without half and half, and go back to my room," I said.

Then boom. out of nowhere, but it is never nowhere, I felt at peace, comfortable, a deepening rest, as Vigils proceeded. So I stayed for my meditation. The stillness and quiet within me had nothing to do with my "preparations." It is all God's doing. It always is. I saw faults, failings and foolishness within me, which of course, God always sees. The Presence is always meritless love. At least it is for me.

No soul is beyond God's action and love. Do you think your boredom and physical discomforts can keep God away?