Taking A Hostage

When I was young and dating, it was all about self-will.  When there were obvious signs that the relationship was not really a good one, I would pursue it anyway, and if in a relationship I would try to hold on even when it was time to let go.  I just had to have that woman/girl in my life because without her there was no me.  "No me" means I could not be happy with myself.  To be "just me" without a girl was to mean something was missing.  I was not enough for me.  I could not go to a movie or a museum or a concert by myself.  Everyone would know I was deficient.  Of course, everyone would be looking at me instead of the art, performance or event.  I might be nothing but I was all I thought about too many times.  A relationship is not about taking a hostage!  It did not occur to me that just being me, with all my feelings, could be of any interest to anyone.  I never went there, so it became unexplored territory in relationships.  It was not until I became a priest and heard the honesty of people.  I could relate.  They were a lot like me.  I was imperfect.  I was human.  We all are.  The assurances I gave to them were reassurances to myself.  Of course, no one has even said, " I wish you were still available."  So maybe I am still too much a mess, but I am at peace with it now more than when I was younger.  "God, when will you make me a poster priest?"  Well, at least I got the honesty part.