Convenience

I used to say that I have a God of my understanding.  This really became a God of my convenience.  The God of my understanding was convenient for where I was at in my spiritual journey.  Then I began to read the professional prayer people, the mystics.  I, being an amateur at prayer, was surprised that they all abandoned the idea of understanding or knowing God.  They seemed to agree that God cannot be known, but that God can be loved.  The God that I thought I knew, was really Spirituality 101.  OK.  It was a good place to start.  And convenient.  This God had a home or place, heaven.  I put God in a God-box.  Outside the box was not God.  If God had a special place then I could imagine that place, call upon God to come to me, and then give my what I want.  When things worked out according to my plan, I was all for God.  Doubts came when I thought God was absent, ignoring me, or simply not fulfilling my wish list.  My love meter went up or down depending on results of prayer.  It really was all about me.  I used the word, "love" but I have come to see that it was shallow love, with no self-surrender on my part.  The mystics say that we can love the real God, who dwells within and around us always.  The road to this love is letting go of self, surrender to  the God agenda, whatever that is.  The more I abandon myself, the more I will have a love relationship.  No wonder I prefer the God of my understanding.