Sometimes I have moments of insanity. I would think that if I did something for you, or did not do something, avoid some perceived bad behavior, you would like me. Then I would do this “behavior” this action to gain love, or acceptance, but I would do it with resentment. The reason that I was not getting love or acceptance was that you had so many faults. You were selfish, or whatever, so why do this good behavior on my part? Beneath it all, I am feeling NOT OK in those moments and trying to feel OK with some behavior. The job of making me feel OK was someone else’s and my good behavior, kindness, sacrifice, was to awaken you to do your job. Ouch! This blog is way honest. And you thought I was a guru? But for some reason honesty makes me feel better.
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I happen to think that it's a tremendous gift when we can have insights into what is underneath these types of behaviors.. I did not have that awareness before I got sober. Once I have those moments then I just need to remember I can turn it over and let go. How amazing is that? I also think honesty takes courage and is actually quite easier than any of the lies I used to have to try and keep up with. That includes the lies I was so used to telling myself. Thanks for always speaking the language of the heart. :)
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